"Captain..." Chakotay repeated.
Still she did not respond. Her knuckles were white as she clutched the railing of the deck over looking the warp core. Chakotay took a hesitant step forward and this time, quietly said "Kathryn..." He saw her blink and shake her head slightly, he stopped in his quiet approach and watched as she slowly turned to him.
The look in her eyes nearly broke his heart.
They were brimming with tears and she looked more defeated than he had ever seen her.
She stood there for a moment, and then rushed past him to the lift. He stood there wanting more than anything to run after her, to cuddle her up in his arms and tell her it was going to be okay, that they would make it out of the void. But he knew he couldn't, she'd never let him. So he stood there for a moment in silence, looking at the place Kathryn had just been standing, and hoping to the spirits she would accept his help.
He then turned on his heel and went after her.
Kathryn clutched the railing with all her might. Just one throw. That's all it would take, just one 'slip' and she could end it. "How selfish." She thought, but then that voice in the back of her mind whispered "You know they would be better without you... seeing you like this isn't helping them, and you can't let them help you, that would be weak... very un-captainly.."
She squeezed her eyes shut and gently swayed at the railing. At this point her hands and wrists were numb and she squeezed the railing harder to try to feel something. She began to relax her hands and sway farther forward when she heard a quiet "Kathryn.."
Of course it was him. Of course he would find her here like this. Quickly, she put on the best captains mask she could muster and turned to face him. When his eyes met hers she knew she hadn't fooled him. Not knowing what else to do, she rushed past him to the turbolift.
As she made her way back to her quarters she silently cursed herself. How could she have thought that no one would see her there? Even if it was 0300 hours. Of course he would be the one. At that thought she clenched her jaw, quickened her pace, and sped angrily forward.
When he entered her quarters she took a heaving breath. She hadn't realized it but she had been holding her breath. Why was she letting this void get to her? A Captain never fails her crew. But she wasn't just a captain, she was a person.
She clutched her head in frustration, how long would this inner argument last? Completely ridiculous. Making one more tug at her hair she marched over to the replicator and shouted for a cup of black coffee. As it appeared, she suddenly felt weak, but she reached out to grab it anyway. She held the cup in her hands and turned, then collapsed.