"Rock the Boat"
Disclaimer : If I really did own "GetBackers" I would've cast them adrift for real BWAHAHAHA…
A/N : Pointless three-part 'what-if?' nonsense that was actually the first ever GB plot bunny ever to Frankenstein out of my head. Thought I'd resurrect it to break the toll I'm taking from writing my other fic (to those readers following it; don't worry, Himiko's grief continues, I promise, hehe). Anyway, I hope this little piece of mayhem suffices in the meantime. Based more on the anime version of events that happen in the Venus de Milo arc (since Kazuki and the boat don't even actually appear in the manga version! ).
Enjoy!
Part One : I'm Not That Tough, Y' Know?
Sploosh!
Heave.
Splash!
Triumphantly, chibi-Amano Ginji wiped his stubby little paws clean after tossing out the heaviest piece of 'junk' off the boat. Beaming happily, he turned towards the rumpus that was his brawling fellow retrieval agents and got four pairs of bulging eyes staring right back at him instead.
That second between disbelief and sudden realization hit them like the awful sensation of one moment you're feeling fine and then next thing you know, your gut explodes, screaming bloody MURDER on the bullet train to the nearest restroom. For those in the know (and not as if anyone on the boat would ever care to admit to such), that was exactly how it felt.
"AAAAAAGGGHHHHH!"
"Oops."
-o-
Mido Ban had his arms hooked awkwardly around Emishi Haruki's legs and was in the process of throwing him overboard when he heard the ominous splashing noises. Feeling what had seemed was his brain sinking into his stomach, he noticed that the tiny craft was instantly, conspicuously – horrifyingly - empty.
"Ngggghhhh… GIN-JIIIIIIIIIIII!"
Ban unceremoniously dumped the whip expert on his ass and lunged at his runt of a partner. Grasping the doll-like creature by the hair, he bull-horned into his puffy SD face.
"You stupid, dumb, retarded BAKA!" Apparently, Ban was a proponent of redundancy being a good thing when trying to make a point.
"Gomen, Ban-chan…" Ginji whimpered with a sheepish smile.
"Apologize to the arms, moron!" Ban howled as he drop-kicked the blond tare into the moon in the horizon. Everyone else stupidly watched Ginji's wriggling silhouette fall helplessly against the white light before landing in the distance with a pathetic plop.
Fuyuki Shido threw steel-gray dagger looks at the suddenly "S"-less retriever. "What the hell did you do that for?" he growled, bunching up his fists. "Now we'll have to go back and get him, you fool!"
"If you want to join him, monkey trainer, it'll be my pleasure," Ban fumed while cracking his knuckles.
"Why you arrogant –" the Beastmaster inadvertently bowled over his teammate as he charged towards the brunette dakkanya. Emishi, who was still struggling on his sea legs, then totally lost balance and found himself bending over backwards on the edge of the boat.
"Ai… Aiiii – yaaahhh!" he yelled before toppling down the drink with a dull splish.
The two beastie boys grabbed each other by their jacket lapels, oblivious to the fact they were now two crew members short.
"This is your fault, snake bastard!" Shido sneered. He held a menacing fist under Ban's chin.
He shoved his rival away and smoothened out his tuxedo. "Oh yeah? I really doubt you'd have gotten away with the Aphrodite without my Evil Eye. So you owe me thanks, chimp!" Ban derided. "Actually, I demand a commission seeing as I completed the job for you wannabes."
"Asshole! If it weren't for us you'd be Miss Hera's target practice dummy by now." Shido pushed back.
"Heh! Knock it off guys! I need to turn this boat around and you're rocking it!" Fuuchouin Kazuki shouted above the grinding din of the motor, his deathly grip on the steering wheel belying his outwardly checked temper.
"Tch! Silly of me to expect gratitude from a missing link like you," the Jagan master spat.
"You want gratitude? Fine. I'll give you gratitude – with my fist!" The Beastmaster squared his shoulders, recoiled, and threw a punch.
Ban quickly sidestepped the attack. "Ha! Missed!" he trumpeted.
Swiping at nothing but the breeze, Shido's forward momentum brought him flailing half over the boat and half over water. "Shit!" Pivoting, he reached back for the nearest support he could grab; which was, conveniently enough, the snake man's smug head. Together, they tumbled out.
"FU -! Glurrgghh…" Ban managed to blurt before his face got dunked into the warm ocean.
Kazuki flipped his long, wind-swept mane and glanced over his shoulder. He knew trouble had been brewing the minute the craft got progressively more silent.
"Oh great," he sighed and ruefully shook his head. The good news was the boat was now light enough to reach shore on a leaky gas tank. The bad news? It was totally empty of cargo and (idiotic) crew.
Not that the thought hadn't crossed his mind; that Kazuki could simply continue on his way to shore, hire a new boat, and come back in a few hours to pick up the, er… survivors. After all, one of them reaching land was better than none at all, right? Besides, Shido was perfectly capable of whistling for a dolphin or some such animal to help him out. And knowing how Emishi was always at Shido's heels, he'd probably find a way to tag along.
As for Mido Ban… Kazuki made a face that marred his feminine features. Heck, that brash charlatan was so full of hot air he could practically hovercraft himself all the way to Taiwan for all he cared.
But… the thread master couldn't possibly leave his Raitei behind. No sir. Even if it meant the horrid prospect of all of them being stranded in the middle of the sea together. With his bells wildly resounding his frustrations rather than himself, Kazuki took one last check on his fuel gauge and pushed the boat's gears to full throttle. Making a hard left turn on the wheel, he forced the craft into a wide, sweeping arc back towards the spot where he thought the chibi had fallen.
"I'm coming, Ginji-san!" the former Volts lieutenant shouted.
-o-
Ban and Shido popped out simultaneously from under the surf to the sight of the moonlight reflecting off each other's scowling faces. Coughing and angrily sputtering petrol-tainted salt water, their bickering resumed from where they left off.
"Sonofabitch! I'm not your friggin' personal floatation device!" the Jagan master cursed vehemently as his arms skimmed the surface.
"Screw you! If I go down, you go down!" Shido kicked against the tide, desperately trying to drift away from his insufferable rival. But the strong current held him back stubbornly, pushed him even; the rhythmic slap of the waves hitting Shido's broad back as though chanting fight… fight… fight!
Ban stared contemptuously as the Beastmaster struggled to stay afloat. "Hmph! I guess what they say is wrong. You monkeys can swim after all."
To which Shido answered by swatting water into Ban's precious assets.
"Aaagghh! Dammit! You got gasoline into my eyes!"
As Ban rubbed his evil baby blues, Shido simply gave out a barely discernible chortle. Then, he noticed their boat's fast approach. "Good. My ride's arrived," the former Volts King announced and began waving his arms vigourously in the air. "Kazuki! Kazuki! Over here!"
But the string-style expert's one-track focus was fixed dead ahead and, unintentionally (or not. It was hard to tell) paid no heed to the two dark heads bobbing in his periphery. To his consternation, Shido realized the speeding boat had no intention of slowing down. Worse, it even looked to run him over.
"What the - ?" he exclaimed as the hull hurtled past him and Ban, sending a wall of inky water that smashed into their faces like a giant cast iron frying pan. Both chorused a mutual roar of pain.
If anything, at least Ban and Shido could finally agree on something.
Meanwhile, a hundred or so meters behind, Emishi began to swim towards what he assumed was certain rescue. "Save me, Kazuki-han, save me!" the wannabe comedian warbled in a faux damsel-in-distress voice. Yet, the boat snubbed him, and his pleas, too, were answered by an inundating wave that blasted the glasses off his surprised face.
"Ack!" Emishi shrieked while fumbling about the churning sea for his trademark pink frames. He'd hate to lose such an irreplaceable item, knowing full well he'd be hard-pressed to find another pair like it in the world. Even on eBay.
Unfortunately, his fingers grazed plastic, and with a heavy, ecstatic sigh of relief, the whip specialist reset the shades firmly on his nose – leaving everybody to suffer its atrocity for yet another day.
Blinking curiously at the boat's stern which was hurriedly sailing away, Emishi asked loudly, "Kazuki-han! Is it something I said?"
Kazuki slowed the boat to a leisurely crawl as it entered the vicinity where Ginji had landed. "Ginji-san! Where are you?" he hollered into the vast, open space, scanning for a distinct patch of yellow-gold on the moonlit surface, like searching for a glowing sun amidst an ocean of glittering stars. Then, spotting what looked like a deflated beach ball being tossed about in the swell, Kazuki steered in its direction, careful not to collide with it.
"Ginji-san? Are you all right?" the Fuuchouin heir inquired with concern while parking beside the wet, wilted, round blob thing. He peered over the side of the deck and reached out.
"Wah! Kazu-chan! I knew you'd come back!" chibi-Ginji bubbled as Kazuki fished him out of the sea like a soggy piece of flotsam and jetsam.
"Of course. Don't forget, you're still paying for the ride," The long-haired informer smiled, finding it impossible to be irritated at the cheerfully bouncing ball of energy in his hands…
… even if he did just dump the century's greatest art find and the biggest haul in the history of drug busts down the drain.
Ginji chuckled as he reverted back to his normal form. Then, his large brown eyes suspiciously surveyed his surroundings. "Um… Where is everyone?"
Kazuki pushed the boat back into its original course to the groans and rumbles of the gas-starved engine. "They… I guess they all decided to join you for a swim," he quipped with a hopeless shrug.
The vessel putt-putted along valiantly for a few feet before gasping on the tank's last fumes and finally choking to a full stop. As it swayed gently, Kazuki tried keying the ignition repeatedly – to no avail. Sighing, he collapsed into the captain's chair. "That's it. We are now officially dead in the water."
Ginji pouted and scratched his head. 'I'm sorry Kazu-chan. I suppose this is all my fault."
The former right-hand man waved his leader off. "What's done was done. You're partner didn't have to kick you out, you know?" He tried to keep his tone neutral, an always difficult feat when referring to the snake man.
"Hehe. Well, that's Ban-chan for you. He sorta has trouble keeping his cool sometimes."
Kazuki rolled his eyes and muttered inaudibly. "No kidding."
-o-
Two pairs of arms propellered wildly on the water, chugging and whipping up a froth towards the solitary boat.
"You better… not… turn into… a swordfish… glub… or something," Ban warned, his head dipping and re-surfacing as he free-styled briskly for the finish.
" – and don't… you dare… use your… Snake Bite… as a damn… paddle…" Shido sputtered next to his competition. He held a slight lead over the smaller man.
Emishi lowered his glasses and glimpsed the miniature tsunami headed his way. As he meekly attempted to dog-crawl out of its rampaging path, he wondered if hooking up with Shido and his new 'friends' on the outside was more trouble than what it was worth. Certainly, Emishi didn't expect to be wishing he was back in the comparative safety of Mugenjou so soon. At least there weren't any man-eating sharks around, he thought. Or were there?
Suddenly, he paused in the water and made a funny face.
"Oi! Wait up!" the whip expert called out as he hastily joined the convoy of racers.
Soon, with a few more broad strokes, Shido reached the rear of the boat and effortlessly hauled himself into the cabin space. "Ha! Ha! I could've transformed into a rabbit and I still would've beaten you," the victor blustered with arms akimbo as he lorded it over the stragglers.
"Aw, shove a banana in it, baboon! You brag too much for someone who barely beat a guy whose arm is practically hacked off." A bit of an exaggeration, true, but Ban further pushed his point by climbing up by his uninjured left arm.
"Boo-hoo…" Shido hooted, wiping an imaginary tear from his eye.
"Hey, Ban-chan… I'm really sorry," Ginji sidled up to his partner and pleaded for forgiveness with the moistest, roundest, most vulnerable seal pup eyes he could muster. "But you did say we should dump everything, so – "
"You're the last person I need a logic lesson from, dork!" his best friend retorted, refusing to meet those gooey, brown puddles. "I'm not speaking to you – " Ban paused for a beat. Then, he added, " – yet."
"Ban-chan…" The blond frowned.
Clicking his tongue, Kazuki could hardly suppress a slight, knowing smile from gracing his placid features.
"Yo, thread spool! Now that bottom-feeder's here – " Ban jerked a thumb back at a wheezing, soaking wet Emishi, who was complaining that the Loulan clan were a landlocked people and therefore weren't natural-born swimmers.
" – care to move this junk anytime this year?"
The annaiya swiveled in his seat and flashed the rude ingrate a killer narrow glare. He folded his arms tightly. It was the most Kazuki could do to keep from using his strings as fishing tackle and actually casting Ban overboard as shark bait.
"If you hadn't noticed, the apparent lack of noise coming from the motor should tell you we aren't going anywhere."
(Five stages of an imminent volcanic eruption : 1. Low-intensity earthquakes)
"WHAT?" Ban's head, shoulders, and fists trembled fiercely. "How could you lose all our fuel so soon?"
"Making those hard turns ate up the gas," Kazuki deadpanned. Fortunately, his relatively good nature prevented him from adding 'you hot-headed idiot!' to that reply. "… you know, so I could get back your partner?"
"Is there an extra can of gas around?"
"No."
"Surely, we can radio the Coast Guard at least," Emishi suggested hopefully.
Kazuki shook his head. "Sorry. This boat doesn't have a radio, or a GPS unit, or a beacon for that matter."
( 2. Fissures open on the slope, venting steam)
"A sea fishing vessel with no friggin' radio? Are you out of your mind?" Ban howled incredulously. The pressure in his skull mounted so much it practically blow dried his damp hair into its usual porcupine quills. "Do you actually have a brain in that thread head of yours or did it all go to your hair?"
The Fuuchouin heir gnashed his teeth behind the grim line of his lips. "Look who's talking. I, for one, don't see your brain or your boat anywhere."
"You calling me stupid, cross-dresser?"
"Don't…" Kazuki plucked a bell out of his queue of hair. Biting his tongue, he countered sternly. "You said it, not I."
"Maa… Maa…" Emishi inserted himself between the combatants. Kazuki shooting out his strings in such a small space was definitely not a good idea. "Okay, so we don't have fuel or a radio. What about the ferries? Ferries ply these routes between the Okinawan islands all the time, right?"
"Yes," the string-style master uttered. "I read the ferry schedules and I know one made a trip to Warship Islet just this morning."
"So. Another will come by later. What time?" Ban grumbled impatiently.
"Seven o'clock – " He paused dramatically. " – next Sunday."
( 3. Glowing red magma rises to the surface and flows out of every crack)
"Shit! That's like…" Feeling the blood about to burst out of his ears, Ban was slow to do the math. " … a fucking week away! Is that the only one?"
"What do you expect? An uninhabited former mining site is hardly a tourist destination. The only reason why a ferry even made a journey today was because of the auction."
"So we're stranded here?" Ginji gulped as he poured water out of his shoe.
Emishi shrugged. "Then I guess hitching a ride on the cruise ship is out of the question?"
"Right," Shido snorted sarcastically. "I can see Ryuu Mouen and Miss Hera rolling out the welcome mat right now. 'Hello there. You'll be glad to know we got rid of the Aphrodite and the arms for you. And, by the way, can we get a ride back to the mainland, please?'"
"And I'd hate to run into the Mirokus again – all seven of them," Ginji cringed. Though, honestly, he really didn't mind meeting Yukihiko, especially if he brought more ice cream cones and forgot about that thing about sucking him into a black hole. Oh, and maybe even Kirara, if only she were less murderess and more… seductress. Him stripping off her vestment and finding out she was one-hundred percent female turned out to be a very pleasant surprise indeed. Ginji looked up and blushed ruby red at the memory.
The Beastmaster fiddled with his bandanna irritably. "I could try whistling for some dolphins provided they're within hearing range. But since this area isn't good feeding ground…" He threw up his hands in dismay.
( 4. Pyroclastic debris forms a dome at the mouth of the volcano)
"Heh. Just as I thought. You're as useless on water as you are on land, monkey face!" Ban spewed. "The only thing you're good for now is if you transform into a cow. That way, we can butcher you and eat beef jerky for a week."
Shido hurled himself and clamped both hands around Ban's neck. "Dammit! Not before I turn you into fish food first!" They knocked and scuffled around a bit until the inevitable dunk back into the ocean.
Ginji leaned over the side of the boat and watched as his friends took turns trying to drown each other. "Ban-chan! Shido-nii! If it makes both of you feel better, when I die you can eat me instead," he offered.
(One wonders how much more wrong that true story "Alive" would be if it were these guys trapped on the Andes rather than the Uruguayan rugby team.)
"Ginji-san, no one's going to eat you." Kazuki tried not to laugh. "Survival's Rule of Three states that you can only go three minutes without air, three hours without shelter, three days without water, and three weeks without food. Therefore, before any one of us starves to death, we'd all probably die of thirst first," he explained with endearing exasperation.
Ginji took a while to process this overwhelming little factoid in his airy head. Then he grinned. "Oh. Okay. That's nice to hear. Because… If you guys ate me I'm not sure how good I'd taste."
Kazuki and Emishi couldn't help but trade looks of amazement. Er… right.
"Gee, Kazuki-han, I feel better now that I know I have a life expectancy of three days," Emishi groaned.
The thread master smiled as if hiding a wicked secret. Then he took out a five-liter container out of the cabinet next to him and tapped it with his foot. "I've got the water covered. If we only drink as much as we need, I'm guessing we'll last a few days just fine. And I'm pretty sure Hevn-san will have found us by then."
Ban lurched back onto the deck and clapped his hands patronizingly. "Bravo, itomaki. Glad to see you had enough foresight to bring drinking water yet forget the freakin' radio. You're such a good girl scout." Mockingly, he held up the scout's three-fingered salute.
The angry jingling that ensued made the gang wonder if those were actually tambourines in Kazuki's hair rather than bells. "Will you please quit whining about the radio already?" he refuted defensively, his voice raised a couple of octaves higher.
Kazuki pointed an accusing finger at his persecutor. "Besides, I don't think calling the authorities for help is such a wise idea knowing that you guys stole the targets on live TV and that your tuxedo-wearing mugshot was broadcast nationwide."
Ban pursed his lips and began taking off his bow-tie. Eh. He had to admit the string bean (sort of) had a point.
"Oh, let the authorities come," Shido grunted as he climbed aboard. "We can always claim the bastard hijacked us… which he kind of did."
The snake man and the Beastmaster exchanged inhuman hisses.
"So, how long do you think it'll be before we're missed?" Emishi asked.
Kazuki bit his lip and briefly deliberated possible scenarios. He then took a deep breath. "Well, Hevn-san probably won't be expecting contact from us earlier than tomorrow afternoon. Granted, she wonders where we are by evening and given the fact that this is a sensitive, top-secret job; let's assume Hevn-san only manages to organize a search party by morning the next day…"
Ban shook his head maniacally. "No way that blood-sucking leech takes that long. Hevn would sooner die from lack of commission before we die from lack of water."
Kazuki arched a perfect brow and darted a disdainful look at him. "Nonetheless… barring another boat or small aircraft passes our way, I figure we're stuck here for another two days –" Pause. Shrug.
" – or three."
Silence. The only sounds heard were the whispers of the ocean wind and the waves gently lapping at the boat's smooth hull like kisses on naked skin. Ten seconds… Twenty… Then…
( 5. KA-BOOM!)
"Aw, Shit! Fuck, no!" Ban exploded, stomping his foot wildly. "The hell I'm spending three days cooped-up with you annoying dimwits! No goddamn way!" He started to hyperventilate. Who knew being trapped in the middle of the ocean could feel so – claustrophobic?
Ostensibly, Shido felt the same. The collective growls of a hundred food chain predators rumbled in his throat. Animal instinct and the law of natural selection kicked in. In a microcosm where two like-species compete for dominance eventually leading to the inevitable elimination of the other; the boat wasn't nearly big enough for the both of them. And so the Beastmaster did what was necessary in this, a game of survival of the fittest…
"Fine! Then leave!" Shido bellowed like a lion as he roughly shoved Ban out of the boat. And for the fourth (or fifth, he lost count) time that night, the Jagan master was swallowed up by the sea – again.
"Ptuh! Ptuh!" Ban spurted violently and splashed a massive jet of saltwater into his rival's face with his arms (though Ginji and Emishi got showered as well).
The driest man remaining, Kazuki lifted his feet slightly off the floor as an ankle-deep pool of water sloshed beneath him. The craft began listing to the side. "Hey! Stop! Do mind not flooding the boat and sinking it?" He scowled, completely losing his cool and looking almost – butch.
"He's right. Let's not expedite our death sentences, ya?" Emishi joked as he proceeded to bale out water using his shoes as ladles.
Ginji followed suit. "This is fun," he chirped while merrily scooping away.
Meanwhile, Ban hoisted himself back on board, staying as far away as possible from his arch-rival. Just in case.
"So, what do we do now?" Shido inquired gruffly as he sat down on the bench and began untying his own shoes.
"Organize what survival gear we have, I guess," Kazuki surveyed the bare cabin. Except for the jug of drinking water and that which was already bolted to the deck, he could find nothing else of use. "But I think we chucked everything out."
"Everything?" Ban's jaw dropped stupidly. "Flashlight? Flares?"
"Aa."
"Reflector?"
"Ditto."
"We've got to have at least a mirror somewhere, right?" Ban whinged. He then eyed the long-haired Fuuchouin heir skeptically. Kazuki glowered back. He knew he wasn't going to like the venom that foul mouth was about to spit out.
"Come on, admit it, thread spool. I'm sure you've got a powder compact or something hidden in your pocket, ne?" Ban made a come hither motion with his hand. "Out with it now."
Kazuki furiously contorted his face, took a length of koto string and pulled it taut between his hands like an assassin wielding piano wire. "I. Do. Not. Own. A. Compact!" he seethed.
Just as it seemed Kazuki was about to garrote the sniggering scamp, Shido blocked him by crouching down and scrounging around the boot of the dashboard.
"Nothing here either," the Beastmaster rummaged noisily. "… except for some fishing line, a couple of hooks and –" He turned on his knees and held up a small bottle. " – sunscreen. SPF 70."
"Ah, wonderful," Ban huffed. "That way, when they find our corpses, at least our skin will be smooth and supple and won't be red and crackly… like a roasted pig's."
Shido dejectedly leaned on the paneling and lightly banged the back of his head on the boat's controls. "Geez. I can't believe we might be stuck here for three shitty days doing… nothing."
"Hmm. Maybe it won't take that long," Kazuki commented dryly. "Who knows? We could all end up killing each other before dawn."
"In that case, I have first dibs on the snake bastard," Shido muttered.
Ginji abruptly stopped his childishly joyful baling and stared at the sulky expressions on his friends' faces. "Oh, come on guys. This isn't so bad. It'll be just like - I know! Camping," he pepped up brightly.
Mumbles. Grumbles. Snorts.
Enthusiastically, the blond added, "Yeah! We could sing songs, and play games, and sunbathe and stuff… Oh, and we might even learn more about each other! Wouldn't that be nice?"
Ginji found four sets of laser-guided missiles targeted at him in disbelief. He simply smiled and shrugged innocently.
"What?"
-o-
(to be continued)
-o-
"Alive" is the true story (and made into a movie starring Ethan Hawke) of a plane carrying the Uruguayan National Rugby team that crashed into the Andes mountains. In the ten weeks of their ordeal, the sixteen people who survived sustained themselves by cannibalizing their… teammates. Ugh.