The Matrix: Cliched
by Nain and Calli
--------------------**
TRACE PROGRAM RUNS. PHONE RINGS.
Cypher: Hello, you've reached Cypher's Sexy Hotline. For girls, press 1. For boys, press 2. For girls AND boys, press 3. For Agents in Drag, press 4. To talk to Cypher, the love god himself, please press one five times.
ONE IS PRESSED FIVE TIMES; CYPHER'S VOICE IS HEARD.
Cypher: Helloooo, this is Cypher the Love God.
Trinity: Hello, Cypher, this is Trinity.
Cypher: oh SHIT!
Trinity: Yeah, it's good to talk to you, too.
Cypher: I, er, well, it's not what you think.
Trinity: Uh-huh. Anyway, get off the computer. I have to stalk that Anderson guy now.
Cypher: You like him, don't you? PERV!
Trinity: You're calling ME a perv, Mr. God of Love?
Cypher: My love is perfectly disease-free!
Trinity: Mmm, I bet his is, too. I mean, uhh... just shut up.
Cypher: You sick, deluded child. Anyway, I better go. And so should you. Bye, sexykins.
CYPHER HANGS UP, SCREEN SHOWS SPIFFY GREEN TELEPHONE CORD, THEN POLICE GUY.
Officer Donut: PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE HEAD. Wait.
Officer Priscilla: Oooh, Drag!
Trinity: Hmmm, who should I beat up?
Officer Mitzi: I think the unfashionable rebel is IN THE ROOM!
Officer Coffee: OOH! PICK ME! PICK ME!
Trinity: I will kill you all, muhahaha.
TRINITY DOES SPIFFY KICK. TRINITY KICKS THEIR SAD PLUGGED IN ASSES.
Officer Coffee: YAY! I HAVE BEEN BLESSED!
Officer Priscilla: Now I can go to the big gay club in the SKY...
fr3akscene: SCENE CUTS TO AGENT SMITH GETTING OUT OF HIS PRISCILLA BUS
Drag Smith: -flutters eyelashes- Hello, big boy.
Officer Tastee Wheat: Oh, look, it's miss man!
Lieutentant: Who the hell are you?
Agent Brown: We're the baddies! Nice to meet you!
ZeeGrandPoobah: Lieutenant: I already sent officers Donut, Coffee, Mitzi and Priscilla up. They're bringing her down now.
Drag Smith: I will asphyxiate them.
SCENE CUTS TO TRINITY TALKING TO MORPHEUS ON THE PHONE
Trinity: Morphy, Cypher's a sex-crazed freak. He's running this porn phone company.
Morpheus: ... wow.
Trinity: Morpheus, how do I get out of here?
Morpheus: There are more levels than you ever could dream of.
Trinity: Are you playing Sonic the Hedgehog again?
Morpheus: IT'S REALLY ADDICTIVE!
Trinity: Screw you, I'm going to save myself.
TRINITY DOES SOME RANDOM RUNNING
Drag Smith: I would chase her, but I'd rip my ball gown.
Agent Fuzzy: Can I do it? Oooh, pick me, pick me!
Agent Brown: Whatever. This scene is getting way too long.
Trinity: Wait until you get to the rave in Reloaded!
Keanu Fangirls: WE SEE HIM NAKED, OMG
Calli: Yes, but unfortunately he's getting it on with her.
Keanu Fangirls: LYK Y!?
Nain: Who knows. It's a mystery.
Calli: ... that's what I've been wondering the whole time.
TRINITY GETS INTO A PHONE BOOTH. THE GARBAGE TRUCK APPEARS
Drag Smith: You little ... Ooooh. I made my nail go bye-bye. Now you must DIE!
Agent Brown: Oh, God, he's going to POP.
Audience: Why the HELL is she running for the phone booth?
Purists: Stupid mainstream...
Fangirls: LYK, GET RUN OVER! YES! DON'T GET IT ON WITH NEO!
TRINITY DISAPPEARS, AND THE TRUCK RAMS INTO THE PHONE BOOTH
Trin Fans: YAY!
Drag Smith: She got away.
Fangirls: DID SHE DIE?
Agent Brown: We have the name of their next ... um, One.
Agent Jones: The name is... -looks at script- Keanubish. Wait, uh, no. That isn't right.
Drag Smith: Is his name Fuzzy, the happy Elf?
Agent Fuzzy: No, that's me. Remember last year's Christmas party? When I got myself that legal name change?
Drag Smith: oh, yes.
Agent Brown: Dude, you were totally wasted.
Agent Fuzzy: Well, I'm sorry, but Lolo kept giving me drinks.
Drag Smith: She was a man.
Agent Brown: Dammit. She was damn fine. I mean, HE was damn fine.
SCENE CUTS TO SEXY NEO, IN FRONT OF HIS COMPUTER.
Computer: Wake up, Neo.
NEO LETS OUT A LOUD SNORE
Computer: ... WAKE UP, NEO.
NEO FLINGS HIS ARM OVER THE KEYBOARD, ERASING THE WORDS ONSCREEN
Neo: five more minutes, mom.
Computer: WAKE THE HELL UP, YOU SHITHEAD!
Neo: Wazzat?
COMPUTER MAKES THE MICROSOFT LOGIN NOISE
Computer: The Matrix, like, has you, Mr. Duracell.
Neo: What?
Neo: This is damn trippy.
Computer: Follow the orange speckled elephant
A LOUD ELEPHANT NOISE IS HEARD
Neo: What?
Computer: Knock, Knock, Neo.
THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR, THE ELEPHANT KNOCKS THE DOOR OVER
Neo: What?
Choi: Um, dude, what happened when the Mongols invaded China?
Neo: What?
Choi: Can I have my bootleg copy of 'Britney's Dance Beat', please?
Neo: ... What?
Choi: My bootleg, you idiot.
NEO THINKS FOR A MOMENT.
Neo: Ohh..
NEO GETS THE BOOTLEG AND GIVES IT TO CHOI
Choi: Dude, you're like, Jesus.
Neo: What?
Choi: You're, like, going to save humanity.
Choi: Want to come with us and get wasted? What do you think, Dujour?
Neo: What?
Dujour: Sure. I'll just call my orange speckled elephant over for a ride.
Neo: ... what? I'm really confused.
Dujour: Just come with us, you moron.
Neo: Uhhh, okay.
SCENE CUTS TO SCARY CLUB WHICH IS NOT AS SCARY AS HEL CLUB. NEO IS STANDING IN FRONT OF A PILLAR, EATING A WAFFLE
Trinity: Hello, Neo.
Neo: What?
Trinity: My name is Trinity.
Neo: Dude?
Trinity: No, I'm a woman. I have boobs.
Neo: Oh. -stares at boobs-
Trinity: But they don't really exist.
Neo: What?
Trinity: Please just listen.
Neo: Huh?
NEO FINISHES HIS WAFFLE
Trinity: I know why you're here, Neo.
Neo: Why?
Trinity: Uh, well, I thought you knew.
Neo: What?
Trinity: They're coming for you. Here, have a Malibu Stacy doll.
Neo: HER BOOBS ARE HUGE!
Trinity: The Matrix, Neo, THE MATRIX.
Neo: Whoa.
Trinity: Oh, this is dumb, I'm out of here.
ALARM RINGS, NEO WAKES UP
Neo: ... what?
by Nain and Calli
--------------------**
TRACE PROGRAM RUNS. PHONE RINGS.
Cypher: Hello, you've reached Cypher's Sexy Hotline. For girls, press 1. For boys, press 2. For girls AND boys, press 3. For Agents in Drag, press 4. To talk to Cypher, the love god himself, please press one five times.
ONE IS PRESSED FIVE TIMES; CYPHER'S VOICE IS HEARD.
Cypher: Helloooo, this is Cypher the Love God.
Trinity: Hello, Cypher, this is Trinity.
Cypher: oh SHIT!
Trinity: Yeah, it's good to talk to you, too.
Cypher: I, er, well, it's not what you think.
Trinity: Uh-huh. Anyway, get off the computer. I have to stalk that Anderson guy now.
Cypher: You like him, don't you? PERV!
Trinity: You're calling ME a perv, Mr. God of Love?
Cypher: My love is perfectly disease-free!
Trinity: Mmm, I bet his is, too. I mean, uhh... just shut up.
Cypher: You sick, deluded child. Anyway, I better go. And so should you. Bye, sexykins.
CYPHER HANGS UP, SCREEN SHOWS SPIFFY GREEN TELEPHONE CORD, THEN POLICE GUY.
Officer Donut: PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE HEAD. Wait.
Officer Priscilla: Oooh, Drag!
Trinity: Hmmm, who should I beat up?
Officer Mitzi: I think the unfashionable rebel is IN THE ROOM!
Officer Coffee: OOH! PICK ME! PICK ME!
Trinity: I will kill you all, muhahaha.
TRINITY DOES SPIFFY KICK. TRINITY KICKS THEIR SAD PLUGGED IN ASSES.
Officer Coffee: YAY! I HAVE BEEN BLESSED!
Officer Priscilla: Now I can go to the big gay club in the SKY...
fr3akscene: SCENE CUTS TO AGENT SMITH GETTING OUT OF HIS PRISCILLA BUS
Drag Smith: -flutters eyelashes- Hello, big boy.
Officer Tastee Wheat: Oh, look, it's miss man!
Lieutentant: Who the hell are you?
Agent Brown: We're the baddies! Nice to meet you!
ZeeGrandPoobah: Lieutenant: I already sent officers Donut, Coffee, Mitzi and Priscilla up. They're bringing her down now.
Drag Smith: I will asphyxiate them.
SCENE CUTS TO TRINITY TALKING TO MORPHEUS ON THE PHONE
Trinity: Morphy, Cypher's a sex-crazed freak. He's running this porn phone company.
Morpheus: ... wow.
Trinity: Morpheus, how do I get out of here?
Morpheus: There are more levels than you ever could dream of.
Trinity: Are you playing Sonic the Hedgehog again?
Morpheus: IT'S REALLY ADDICTIVE!
Trinity: Screw you, I'm going to save myself.
TRINITY DOES SOME RANDOM RUNNING
Drag Smith: I would chase her, but I'd rip my ball gown.
Agent Fuzzy: Can I do it? Oooh, pick me, pick me!
Agent Brown: Whatever. This scene is getting way too long.
Trinity: Wait until you get to the rave in Reloaded!
Keanu Fangirls: WE SEE HIM NAKED, OMG
Calli: Yes, but unfortunately he's getting it on with her.
Keanu Fangirls: LYK Y!?
Nain: Who knows. It's a mystery.
Calli: ... that's what I've been wondering the whole time.
TRINITY GETS INTO A PHONE BOOTH. THE GARBAGE TRUCK APPEARS
Drag Smith: You little ... Ooooh. I made my nail go bye-bye. Now you must DIE!
Agent Brown: Oh, God, he's going to POP.
Audience: Why the HELL is she running for the phone booth?
Purists: Stupid mainstream...
Fangirls: LYK, GET RUN OVER! YES! DON'T GET IT ON WITH NEO!
TRINITY DISAPPEARS, AND THE TRUCK RAMS INTO THE PHONE BOOTH
Trin Fans: YAY!
Drag Smith: She got away.
Fangirls: DID SHE DIE?
Agent Brown: We have the name of their next ... um, One.
Agent Jones: The name is... -looks at script- Keanubish. Wait, uh, no. That isn't right.
Drag Smith: Is his name Fuzzy, the happy Elf?
Agent Fuzzy: No, that's me. Remember last year's Christmas party? When I got myself that legal name change?
Drag Smith: oh, yes.
Agent Brown: Dude, you were totally wasted.
Agent Fuzzy: Well, I'm sorry, but Lolo kept giving me drinks.
Drag Smith: She was a man.
Agent Brown: Dammit. She was damn fine. I mean, HE was damn fine.
SCENE CUTS TO SEXY NEO, IN FRONT OF HIS COMPUTER.
Computer: Wake up, Neo.
NEO LETS OUT A LOUD SNORE
Computer: ... WAKE UP, NEO.
NEO FLINGS HIS ARM OVER THE KEYBOARD, ERASING THE WORDS ONSCREEN
Neo: five more minutes, mom.
Computer: WAKE THE HELL UP, YOU SHITHEAD!
Neo: Wazzat?
COMPUTER MAKES THE MICROSOFT LOGIN NOISE
Computer: The Matrix, like, has you, Mr. Duracell.
Neo: What?
Neo: This is damn trippy.
Computer: Follow the orange speckled elephant
A LOUD ELEPHANT NOISE IS HEARD
Neo: What?
Computer: Knock, Knock, Neo.
THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR, THE ELEPHANT KNOCKS THE DOOR OVER
Neo: What?
Choi: Um, dude, what happened when the Mongols invaded China?
Neo: What?
Choi: Can I have my bootleg copy of 'Britney's Dance Beat', please?
Neo: ... What?
Choi: My bootleg, you idiot.
NEO THINKS FOR A MOMENT.
Neo: Ohh..
NEO GETS THE BOOTLEG AND GIVES IT TO CHOI
Choi: Dude, you're like, Jesus.
Neo: What?
Choi: You're, like, going to save humanity.
Choi: Want to come with us and get wasted? What do you think, Dujour?
Neo: What?
Dujour: Sure. I'll just call my orange speckled elephant over for a ride.
Neo: ... what? I'm really confused.
Dujour: Just come with us, you moron.
Neo: Uhhh, okay.
SCENE CUTS TO SCARY CLUB WHICH IS NOT AS SCARY AS HEL CLUB. NEO IS STANDING IN FRONT OF A PILLAR, EATING A WAFFLE
Trinity: Hello, Neo.
Neo: What?
Trinity: My name is Trinity.
Neo: Dude?
Trinity: No, I'm a woman. I have boobs.
Neo: Oh. -stares at boobs-
Trinity: But they don't really exist.
Neo: What?
Trinity: Please just listen.
Neo: Huh?
NEO FINISHES HIS WAFFLE
Trinity: I know why you're here, Neo.
Neo: Why?
Trinity: Uh, well, I thought you knew.
Neo: What?
Trinity: They're coming for you. Here, have a Malibu Stacy doll.
Neo: HER BOOBS ARE HUGE!
Trinity: The Matrix, Neo, THE MATRIX.
Neo: Whoa.
Trinity: Oh, this is dumb, I'm out of here.
ALARM RINGS, NEO WAKES UP
Neo: ... what?