(This author's note takes place about one and a half years before the fanfiction was actually published. This is what we call awesome procrastination skills, kids).

Enia: 'Ello there! I really should be working on Nanowrimo right now but… I don't feel like it. Mainly because that would require me to get up off the bed and go get my notebook. So I'm writing this instead! It's just some random idea I've had for a while. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: Enia Silverson does not own Legend of Zelda. Nintendo does. Enia Silverson is also very jealous of Nintendo because she is totally in love with Twilight Princess Link and she would love to own him.

Enia: Disclaimer! What the hell?! I didn't give you permission to say that!

Disclaimer: Heh heh heh.

Enia: Jeez, I hope Samik doesn't read that.

Samik: Too late.

Enia: Erp. On to the story before Samik can kill me or Link! Even though Twilight Princess Link isn't in this fic. This takes place right before the events of Phantom Hourglass.

Write Me A Poem

A Fanfiction by Enia Silverson.

Narrated by Enia Silverson

Created by… you get the point.

Link yawned and stretched luxuriously on the warm wood. The sun shone on his face and a gentle wind messed with his hair. It was a perfect day for kicking back and relaxing. Except for the fact that Tetra was bellowing something.

"Link! Get your lazy butt up here!"

Link grumbled and shifted a bit. He didn't want to get up and besides… he was sure Tetra could do whatever it was without him.

"LINK!" Tetra yelled again.

He opened one eye blearily. "What?" he mumbled.

"What are you doing, just lazing about?" Tetra demanded. "There're things to be done!"

"Like what?" Link asked. He sat up and rubbed at his eyes.

Tetra paused. "Well, erm, you could swab the deck."

"But Niko's doing that."

"Then hoist the sails."

"Somebody else is doing that."

"Then steer."

"But you don't let anybody do that but you."

"Fine then, write me a poem."

"What?"

"Yeah," Tetra continued, beginning to like this idea more and more. "If you can't contribute any manual labor, then contribute the fruits of your mind."

"I'm really not a poet," Link protested.

"Too bad!" Tetra yelled and pegged a wrench at his head.

Link ducked but suddenly the wrench came winging back and smacked him upside the head.

"Woah woah woah!" yelled the moderator suddenly. "Physical impossibility!"

Ain't you ever heard of a boomerang wrench?

"There's no such thing! Enia, come on."

This is a freaking fanfiction, Samik, it defies the laws of physics.

"But you can't just go and stick stuff like that in there just 'cause you need something humorous and you're too lazy to think of anything else."

Who's the author here? That's right, me.

"Give me the goddamn mic, Enia."

NEVER!

Link and Tetra stared up at the passing cloud from which sounds of struggle animated. "Sooo…" Link said, trying to break the awkward silence. "I guess I'll write that poem then?"

"Yeah…" Tetra agreed, still staring at the cloud.

'KACHINK' Phew, I got it. Sorry about that, my moderator decided that the laws of physics are actually important. I had to lock him out of my studio. You guys go ahead and forget that ever happened.

Link cleared his throat, deciding to follow the narrator's advice.

"Tetra is a pirate,
A vicious, cold-hearted pirate.
She sailed the seas and fought many monsters,
And… um… killed all those who stood in her way?"

Tetra scowled and chucked another wrench at his head. Link ducked and cowered as she berated him. "What kind of poem was that? And I'm not like that! Try again!"

Link worked his jaw as he tried to think of a suitable poem. He really wasn't cut out for this kind of work. He should be fighting monsters or storming castles, not trying to write a girl a poem. Why did Tetra even want him to write a poem? She never struck him as that kind of girl. Suddenly inspiration hit him. Literally. As in, it fell from the sky and struck him on the head.

Link unfolded the slip of paper.

"Tetra told me to write a poem so write a poem I shall.
Tetra is the bravest pirate who ever sailed the fearsome seas.
Beautiful and dignified, she was like a paper plate.
Monsters cowered before her wake,
then she said that birds and flowers were her one true love,
and that poetry was the only way to capture them.
So that is why I write this poem,
to appease a captain of my ship… mainly so she doesn't through a wrench at my head."

Tetra just stared at him. "What? Where did that come from? It didn't even make sense."

Link shrugged. "Don't blame me, blame the authoress."

Hey!

Link ignored the retort. "I'm sorry, Tetra," he said. "I'm just not any good at poetry."

"Take a look around you, Link," Tetra said, spreading her arms wide and spinning in a circle as if to encompass the entire sea. "We're on the open ocean, free as birds with nothing to hem us in, and you say you can't write a poem?"

"I guess my brain's not wired for it."

"Try again," Tetra commanded.

Link rolled his eyes; this was starting to get tiresome. Couldn't she just accept that he wasn't and never would be a poet?

"We roam the high seas, free as can be,
we float along the waves with our captain at our helm.
She keeps the monsters at bay with her mighty fierce roar,
erm… the seagulls soared above her boat as she roared her victory roar,
and, um, yeah. She saved the day?"

"I don't roar!" Tetra yelped indignantly.

Link shrugged and, anticipating her next command, tried again:

"Tetra is a pirate girl of long and flowing golden locks.
Her crew gazes upon her in obvious awe and she struts about the deck.
Her frame is thin and small, yet no one dares threaten her resolve.
She is one to beware of and one to admire, Tetra the pirate girl."

Tetra nodded, obviously pleased. "Go on."

Link rolled his eyes. Tetra was so weird sometimes. All girls were. You could never tell what they wanted. Did they want to be told they were fierce and strong, or delicate and pretty? Link was never sure what he should say.

He opened his mouth, wracking his brain for another poem. He felt like he had already exhausted his creative juices for the day. Tetra stood up above him and stared down, arms crossed and toe tapping as she waited. Link felt a bead of sweat drip down his forehead.

"Everyone loves Tetra the pirate 'cause she's awesome
It's impossible not to since she's, ya know, cool.
Some day she'll rule the Seven Seas
And be…"

Link's brain blanked. Tetra raised one eyebrow. Her silence was almost worse than if she'd made some snarky remark. A bead of sweat rolled down his forehead. His throat closed up. Tetra was going to kill him if he didn't finish the poem!

"Ahoy!" Gonzo yelled from the lookout nest that Link never learned the name of.

Read: that the authoress never learned the name of.

"Ship!" the big pirate continued. "I think it's the Ghost Ship!"

Tetra forgot all about having Link write a poem.

Enia: So…I think this was originally supposed to go somewhere else, but since I started it almost a year and a half ago, I don't remember where I was heading with it. Don't judge my awful poetry. I have never been a poet.

Please leave a review! And don't hate on me for the authoress interjections.