A/N: Well, I should be updating Pills, but I had this idea and couldn't really let it go. So. Julie agonizing over her "marriage" to James Wilson.
I heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
I'm eating dinner alone again. Again, Wilson. Yet another meal I'll take alone, another glass of wine, another plate of curry I cook because I know you like it.
But you don't really care for music, do you?
But I don't like curry very much, actually. In fact, I don't like it at all! I detest it.
It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall, the major lift, the baffled king composing Hallelujah
Who knows why I cook it? It's not like you eat it.
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
It's because I remember, I guess. I remember a time when even if it was burnt and horrible you would be here with me, trying to eat it, and then we'd laugh comfortably and order takeout. I remember when you used to love me! I remember when I didn't care if you spent a night or two with House, because after all, he's your best friend. Your buddy, right?
Hallelujah
What happens when you spend all your nights at your friend's apartment, and maybe one or two awkward nights at home?
Hallelujah
Your faith was strong but you needed proof, you saw her bathing on the roof, her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you
You used to think I was beautiful. You used to think I was the only thing that mattered. You used to tell me everyday that I was pretty and you loved me. What happened? What did I do wrong?
She tied you to a kitchen chair, she broke your throne, she cut your hair, and from your lips she drew the Hallelujah
Did I tie you down? Did I force you into a commitment that you weren't ready for? If I did, I'm sorry. Not just for you, but for me, as well, because now I'm stuck in a dysfunctional marriage, just waiting to become ex - Mrs. Wilson number three. Excellent. I should've realized what a risk I was taking with you, James.
Hallelujah
But I loved you, damn it.
Hallelujah
You were there for me when no one else was. You were my knight in shining armor, sweeping the damsel from her feet and marrying her in the dazzling oblivion.
Hallelujah
Did Cinderella get divorced?
Hallelujah
Maybe I have been here before, I know this room; I have walked this floor, I used to live alone before I knew you
Yeah, so I've been through it before. Love, and flowers and ribbons and chocolates. I've known love before. But this? This empty coldness I have to suffer as I try to eat dinner alone, again? It's a different loneliness. I have no anticipation for the future, James, I hope you know.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch, love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah
Were you just trying to prove something, by marrying me? To House? To yourself, perhaps? Oh, I don't know! Where you trying to assure yourself that, yes, you could make something work.
Hallelujah
Well, it's not working, James. It's not fucking working. I'm here, in the empty echoing house with nothing but the night and the wind for company.
Hallelujah
When I met you, I didn't mind that you had had two other wives. I thought, well, third time lucky. I truly didn't mind.
Hallelujah
Like it was a joke, you know? I thought, oh, maybe he was young then. He made a mistake, so what, you know? Oh, James, I was so in love. You saved me. You drew me up from the darkest hour.
Hallelujah
So where the hell are you now?
There was a time you let me know what's really going on below, but now you never show it to me, do you?
I know you're not just working late again, okay, James? I know!
I know that you've finished up, found House on the way, and begged to go over to his place, or, even worse, let yourself in quietly with the key I know you have. Maybe you're watching some movie now, Chinese takeout in hand. (I know about that too; I do your laundry, remember)?
Maybe you're just sitting with him, talking. (Something we never do). Maybe you're sleeping on his couch, arm thrown over your eyes as he continues to watch some sick film. (We used to watch movies. Romantic comedy, and all that). Maybe you're thinking. (About me? About our impending divorce? About a patient)?
Maybe you're fucking. Oh, hell, oh God. I don't really know!
Remember when I moved in you; the holy dark was moving too, and every breath we drew was Hallelujah
Accept it! You've basically moved in there. When you and I picked this house out, moved in, made it our own, it was so alive, so full of life and hope and future.
Now? Well, James honey, you're not here right now, and those painting we selected look very lonely against the stark white wall. That lovely matching furniture we bought stands solemnly, cherry-wood too bright for my pained eyes.
Hallelujah
And where will I go when we do divorce? Where will all this stuff go? I know where you'll go; back where you've been for the past six months. You'll go back to House. You belong there, for heaven's sake. You're a goddamn fixture in his goddamn home. But I don't have a place like that, James. You're pretty damn lucky.
Hallelujah
Oh, my God. What the hell were you thinking? What the hell was I thinking?!
Hallelujah
Sometimes, I see you in the morning. It's early and just getting bright but you're already dressed for work, shrugging on your coat. I'm just getting up. You give me a small, timid smile, and I think maybe it'll be all right. I smile back, a little tautly, gingerly testing the ropes to see if they'll snap and lash me in the face.
Hallelujah
But then you push the farce too far, you try to kiss me, and it's close-mouthed, tight lipped and it's dreadful and the rope snaps. All our passion's gone, too. God, if only we could still have sex, at least. If only we could just fuck once in a while, affirm that the other exists! Then again, I'm not sure. What will I find on your naked body?
Maybe there's a God above, and all I ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
There were those two other women, your ex-wives. And then there were scores of others, those women who looked at you at restaurants, who winked, who giggled when you passed. And I thought I was damn lucky to have you. I thought I'd beaten all the others in some sort of ridiculous competition and won you, the oncologist, the sweet, funny, charming, handsome, innocent man who wanted nothing but good for the world.
So I thought then, in my glorious naivete. I think the same of you now, you know. Only now, I resent it in the same way I resent the way you spend more time with House than me – if only you weren't so golden, then I could feel better about letting you go.
And its not a cry you can hear at night, its not somebody who's seen the light, its a cold and its a broken Hallelujah
If only you were some cold-hearted bastard, and every night you went to a bar and got yourself totally stoned, and came back home and beat me. If only, if only. If only you weren't like some fucking angel in a labcoat who vowed to stay with me forever and ever, amen. If only you hit me and roared and screamed and punched me until I was a bruised, battered butterfly, hovering near the door, waiting for you to collapse on the couch.
Oh, God. At least then you would touch me without flinching, like I slapped you or something. You would touch me.
If only! Then I could leave you. I could cut the strings and have no shame in leaving you, if you were a drunk. Well, I can press adultery charges. You know. You and House.
But what the hell am I going to tell my mom? It sort of…dissolved? He…got bored of me? He really needed some "guy sex" that one night, and it went downhill from there? I can just see her face! James, that angel? Never!
The problem is, I don't know, myself. What is it, James? Come on, you can tell me. Am I really that insipid? Or is House just more interesting, more confusing?
Hallelujah
I don't care if it's the last thing you ever say to me, just tell me why. Tell me why the marriage made in heaven went down to hell. Tell me which demon blessed the wedding.
Hallelujah
Tell me if the demon limps and takes painkillers and works with you. Tell me if you're eating Chinese at the demon's apartment.
Hallelujah
Oh, James. The tears are coming. You usually would be here, holding me, asking me why I'm crying, but if you were here, I wouldn't be crying, damn it!
Hallelujah
What happened to us? What happened to us, James? When did you stop loving me? Why can't I keep loving you?