This is a warning: you may not like this one. It will turn out to be very, very sad. However, I felt compelled to write it as a possibility, to stretch myself as a writer.
Of course, I own none of Stargate: Atlantis.
VVVVVVVVVVVVV
She Called My Name
Whack!
John Sheppard swore, but he did not double over as Ronon's bantos stick struck him across the knee. Instead, he ignored it almost as if he could not feel it. He withdrew slightly, fire in his eyes, sweat dripping down his face, then lunged at his friend again.
The weapons cracked and snapped against each other with unaccustomed viciousness as the two men whirled and dodged in a violent dance. Ronon caught John in the forearm. Pain blared up to John's shoulder, proving that no matter how deeply he tried to submerge himself in the fight, he could not focus. His thoughts were in the Gate room.
Where Teyla was.
Where Kanan was.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Teyla's people, the Athosians, had been missing for almost five months, now. The search continued for them, tirelessly. Teyla would not relent in her efforts, urging all of Atlantis to keep up their earnestness to locate them. When John had first learned that they had gone missing, he had joined in the work, striving as hard as anyone to discover what had happened to them and where they were.
And then he had learned that Teyla was pregnant.
John had strolled into the infirmary to ask Dr. Keller a question---a question which was driven from his mind when he caught sight of her studying a full-body scan of a woman. "What's that?" he had asked, for some reason filling with an odd, foreboding feeling. Dr. Keller had whirled around and begun stammering at first, for he had caught her unawares, but he had pressed her so hard that she finally relented and told him what he wanted to know.
And then he had nearly been sick.
For a very long while after that, he could hardly speak to Teyla. He did not have to explain his suddenly awkward and aloof behavior--he could tell that she knew that he had learned her secret. And yet every day that went by that she did not come out and tell him what had happened felt like a slow, confined torture; a blunted pain. He had always trusted her. Apparently, she did not trust him.
Out of an agonizing need to know, he had pressed other sources for more information, and finally heard, from Dr. Keller again, that the father was probably an Athosian named Kanan---a man amongst the missing.
Kanan. A man John had never really even talked to. John could barely remember what he looked like. A man who had never fought for her, or risked absolutely everything to save her life. And yet, she had chosen him.
One night, when Teyla had been showing her condition for about three months, John lay in bed, staring at the ceiling again. He did not sleep very well, anymore.
He missed Teyla's easy, unaffected company so much, but he did not know how the two of them could just pretend that nothing had happened. He had done something to break her trust. And how could he ever regain it when he could not possibly understand what she had done?
A soft dinging sounded, telling him someone waited outside his door. He took a breath and glanced over at his clock. It was past midnight. Sighing deeply and rubbing his eyes, he dragged himself off his bed and shuffled toward the entrance to his room. Listlessly, he waved his hand in front of the opening mechanism, and the door whooshed open.
Teyla stood outside, wearing loose clothes that betrayed the soft bulge of her belly. She glanced up and smiled uncertainly at him, pushing a strand of hair out of her eyes.
She was so pretty.
"What are you doing up?" John asked, trying to act normal. "Shouldn't you be resting?"
"I...Well, the baby's kicking." She slowly rubbed her stomach. "He's been kicking me all night."
"Oh," John nodded, really at a loss as to how he was supposed to help with that.
"I just...I thought you'd..." She stopped, then smiled a little bit, glancing down. "Give me your hand."
"Huh?" John's brow furrowed. She held out her hand to him. Going cold, John gave her his right hand. She pulled him a bit closer and pressed his hand down onto the baby, warming his fingers.
"Feel that?" she wondered.
"I...um..." John felt color rush into his face. "No..."
"Push a little harder," she urged, gently forcing him to do so. "You will not hurt me. Feel it now?"
John jerked a bit when his fingers finally encountered a sharp solidness beneath her soft skin. A thousand emotions instantly rushed through him, as if he had been shocked.
"I do not know if it is an elbow or a knee..." Teyla murmured thoughtfully, keeping her hand over his. "Isn't it amazing?" She lifted her head and unabashedly beamed at him. He gazed back into her eyes, not moving his hand where he felt that baby, that little fragile, incredible life beneath his palm.
"Yeah," he said breathlessly. The baby reared back and kicked against him hard. Teyla winced, then laughed. John unexpectedly could not keep himself from smiling back at her. He withdrew his hand, and shakily, almost painfully, rested it on her shoulder.
"How've you been?" he asked softly, rubbing his thumb back and forth against her skin. She swallowed.
"I have been...all right," she answered, taking a deep, braced breath. She searched his face. "I am sorry I did not tell you," she whispered. "I simply...did not know what to say."
John bit his lip and nodded, casting his gaze to the floor. She shifted so that she stood directly in front of him, then lowered her head. Realizing what she wanted him to do, he lowered his as well and touched his forehead to hers. He found himself wanting to kiss her on the cheek, on the forehead, but stopped himself. She did not belong to him.
"Goodnight, John," she said quietly, and turned and left.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
After that night, three months ago, Teyla and John had both made an effort at speaking to each other, at spending time together. At first it had felt awkward, and for John at least, it was always painful, but he would rather be with her and feel that dull ache than lie awake at night and be so lonesome for her he could barely breathe. Now, Teyla was almost full term and they had found no sign of the Athosians---and deep down, John buried a shameful hope that, somehow, Kanan had not survived.
But then, this morning, everything had changed.
An offworld team had found the Athosians. While some of them had been killed in the adventures that had taken them from their home, most of them had survived. Including Kanan.
John had been standing in the Gateroom when the transmission had come through. He had been rooted to the spot, frozen with a sort of livid, sickening fury.
"Come on," Ronon had growled in his ear, grabbing his elbow. "You're about due to have the crap beat out of you."
"Really?" John had muttered absently, staring at the empty ring that was about to bring one of his worst fears to reality.
"Yeah. It's just what you need," Ronon advised through his teeth, so no one else would hear. John looked over at his friend, and saw complete understanding in his dark eyes. Ronon wanted to distract him.
"Sure," John nodded, perceiving the Gate's sapphire light flashing to life out of the corner of his eye. "Sounds good."
And so, forcing himself not to even glance at the Gate, John had strode out behind Ronon's stalking form toward the sparring room.
They had now been there for three hours.
"You ready to quit, Sheppard?" Ronon finally panted, sweating as well. John wordlessly shook his head.
"Well, I am," Ronon tossed his sticks down, flopped onto the floor and leaned back against the wall.
John's heart was pounding erratically, surging with adrenaline. He felt as if he could fight for the rest of the day, and simply could not sense the five or six places Ronon had struck him. He also felt slightly ill.
"Why don't you go back to your room, take a shower and watch a movie or somethin'?" Ronon suggested. John cocked an eyebrow at him.
"What're you implying?" he questioned, out of breath. Ronon looked back at him.
"Don't go looking for him," he said pointedly "Not until you know how you're gonna act."
John did not answer, but nodded again. Dropping his weapons as well, he turned and left the room.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
He had barely started down the corridor before he heard a deep voice that tightened his entire chest.
"Colonel Sheppard? Colonel, may I speak with you?"
John did not turn, but kept walking, a haze seeming to descend around him. He dimly heard quick footsteps approaching him from behind, and then someone came up beside him. John glanced up for an instant to see a tall, broad-shouldered, bearded young man with keen dark eyes, long dark hair, and wearing the rustic, earthy style of clothes usual to the Athosians. It was Kanan.
"It is good to see you, sir," Kanan began cordially.
"What do you want, Kanan?" John asked roughly.
"I...well, I wanted to speak with you---about Teyla,"
John stopped and turned sharply, his jaws tightening, aware that his gaze doubtlessly shot daggers. Kanan's brow furrowed and he hesitated a moment.
"I wanted to ask about the possibility of my living in Atlantis," Kanan said, recovering and drawing himself up. "I have been absent during most of Teyla's pregnancy, and I...feel badly that I have not been there for her."
John tried to control his breathing. Kanan went on.
"Our marriage has not been sealed yet---it will be confirmed upon the delivery of our first living child, and so I would require separate quarters, but," Kanan lifted his head. "I want to be near her." Kanan took a breath. "I also would ask you to consider taking me on as part of your team."
John started.
"What?"
Kanan blinked.
"Well, Teyla will be tending to the child. Her duties as part of your team will still need to be fulfilled," he said, as if this was obvious. "I wish to do that for her."
"Do whatever you want," John gritted. "I won't be in charge of that. 'Cause if you stay in Atlantis, I'm going back to Earth...or the other side of the galaxy; whichever is farther away."
Kanan looked shocked.
"That makes no sense, Colonel Sheppard," Kanan stated. Suddenly, his eyes narrowed. "Is there something going on that I need to know?" he probed slowly, with fearless suspicion. "Something about you and Teyla?"
John did not even realize he had hit Kanan until the man was lying sprawled on the floor. Pain seared through John's hand and he just stood there as Kanan, stunned, touched his bleeding lip. Not saying a word, John whirled and stormed down the hallway.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVV