Title: I'm Not That Girl
Category: TV Shows » General Hospital
Author: GwenhwyfarRose
Language: English, Rating: Rated: T
Genre: Angst
Published: 01-09-06, Completed
Chapters: 1, Words: 537
Warnings/Spoilers: Nikolas' amnesia storyline front and center.
Summary: that doesn't soften the ache we feel when reality sets back in
Official Disclaimer: All General Hospital characters and plots belong to Frank and Doris Hursley, and ABC. I do not hold stock either the people or the company. Nikolas Cassadine, Mary Bishop, and any other character featured are NOT mine. The title, summary, and lyrics come from the song I'm Not That Girl from the Broadway play Wicked and I don't own that either.
Maybe it was wrong…
She allowed herself such thoughts from time to time, during her rare unguarded moments. She was sitting in her modest living room, half perched on the couch, watching him sleep. She couldn't help but think of what another woman would have done in her place. Could they give him up? Would they tell her that they understood the root of her loneliness? Somehow she doubted it, and contented herself to know that he was hers.
For now…
Maybe it was wrong…
But still she kept the charade. She had found a sort of ally in the most unlikely of places. The man knew what it was like to want something that you couldn't have. He seemed to understand what her desperation has cost her. He had provided a job, away from the public. Away from the woman he would never remember that he loved.
He stirred slightly in his sleep and murmured something unintelligible. Undoubtedly something that he wouldn't quite remember when he woke. Something he would ask her about during another time alone. Something she would have to create a lie for.
She hated lying. Especially to him. It was almost as if he knew that she was hiding it. That she knew everything that he was feeling and that she was daring him to discover it on his own.
And maybe she was….
Maybe she wanted him to remember it all. Maybe she wanted him to come to his senses and get angry with her. Maybe she wanted to see first-hand the famous Cassadine temper that she had been warned against. Maybe she needed to see the love in his eyes as he spoke about the woman waiting for him, instead of the confusion that he held when he talked to her.
And maybe she just needed proof…that…
Maybe it was wrong…
She had stopped seeing her friend's face when her husband held her to him and promised that everything would be all right. She no longer heard the voice telling her how much they missed him and she started believing what she told herself about everyone moving on. She had quit her job at General Hospital under his orders. He didn't want her anywhere near the woman that she had thought of as a friend in her brief time of grief. He didn't explain it either, just made up his mind and convinced her he was right.
Briefly she wondered if that was what he was like before. If that was part of the man that she never knew and he didn't remember. A braver woman might have ask…Then again, a braver woman wouldn't be holding someone hostage with the memories that he so hoped he would recover. A braver woman would come clean about the truth.
Sadly she knew she wasn't that woman. She would hold on to the life she had conjured up until his memories returned.
He whispered gently from his dream and she had to bite back the tears threatening to spill from her eyes.
She knew he wasn't dreaming of her.
She knew that she couldn't hold on to this forever.
It was only a matter of time.
And yes…
She knew it was wrong.