"I'll destroy her!"
Kylo Ren heard the words ring through his head again as he pulled himself out of bed. He'd shouted them to his uncle Luke, so angry, so full of hatred.
Hatred for Rey.
Hatred for Luke and a burning desire to rebel against anything he said.
Kylo's anger and agony in that moment had clouded everything he could see, experience. She had left him. He offered her everything, his power, his connection to the Force, his life. She walked away. Everything he felt for her, she felt nothing. He was nothing to her but she was everything to him.
He realized she had come to turn him to the light and gain his help for the Resistance, she didn't see him as a person the way he saw her.
With Rey he felt complete, he felt balanced, he felt whole.
She left him so easily.
Why couldn't she see him? Really see him for what he really was?
Kylo stepped in front of the mirror in his standard issue First Order bathroom.
He wasn't sure he really knew who he was sometimes either. How could he expect her to know? When he saw Rey he wanted to become someone noble, someone who could save the galaxy, who never made a mistake along the way. His fists clinched as he thought again how she refused to help him, they could have done so much together. They could have been so strong.
He knew she wanted a family. He could feel it the first time he was near her on Takodana. Kylo could sense her attachment to Han, his own father. He knew she would never have found belonging there, as much as Han loved him, he was never the attachment type.
Luke had disappointed her too, for that he hated Luke even more. Rey had come to him, desperate and alone. Searching for a last hope, searching for belonging.
He had failed her.
He pulled on his black clothing and tightened his belt around his waist. He knew she belonged with him, he longed for her to be by his side. He had seen it when they touched but he had failed her.
Just like everyone else had. He was just as bad as them. He didn't deserve her. He wasn't worthy.
It had been a month since he watched her shut the door of the Millennium Falcon and leave Crait with her friends. That misfit band of rebels she chose over him.
A month since she walked away so easily and he was left with nothing but rejection. He longed for the Force to bridge their minds again but whatever Snoke had set up had dissolved slowly after his death. Kylo wasn't strong enough to bridge their minds himself.
So he devised another plan.
He was searching for her, every day. He had First Order troops all over the galaxy. Someone would find her.
Then he would speak to her again, be with her again, feel her presence again. For that moment, he would have peace.
Then he would let her go. Again. Because he knew he could never hold her. He could never possess her. She was brave and beautiful and strong and everything he was not. She could not be contained and he would never try.
Not again. He had tried to interrogate her before but she had overpowered him and read his mind instead.
He wanted to share himself with her now, to show her who he really was, to make her understand.
Maybe then, she would feel about him the way he felt about her.
Kylo Ren had left a beacon aboard the Millennium Falcon when he was a child. He had never thought much of it, for all he knew, the ship was stranded in some junk yard somewhere or in the hands of pirates. Recently though, he began to wonder if it would be possible to activate the beacon once more.
The comms unit in his room illuminated, "Sir, we have a transmission from Bilko Shmee." The communications officer said.
"Put him through," Kylo Ren commanded.
The next voice on the line was one that he would have recognized anywhere. Bilko had trained with him at Luke's Jedi academy. The night Luke had attempted to murder him, Bilko had helped him fight off Luke's more minion-like students, they had escaped with a handful of others and formed the Knights of Ren. Kylo Ren still felt a debt of gratitude to the man, he may not have survived that night without him.
"Go ahead, Bilko," he prompted.
"Sir, I just left Ahch-to, there was no sign of the ancient Jedi texts." Bilko's voiced faded out slightly.
"And my uncle?" Kylo Ren asked.
"No sign of him either."
"The girl?"
"No trace."
Kylo Ren's hand formed into an involuntary fist, "Thank you, Bilko."
Author's Note:
I have heard from some readers that this story feels like it is going to be a tragedy. So, I'm going to say up front that I believe in happy endings. This is a slow burn romance but the end is worth it so hang in there :-)