The boys were over at Kyle's house watching the Terrance and Phillip marathon.
"Hey, Terrance," said Phillip.
"What, Phillip?" asked Terrance.
"What do you get when you cross *N Sync with Hanson?"
"I don't know, what do you get?"
Phillip farted in Terrance's face as they both started laughing. The boys at home started laughing too.
"Man, this Terrance and Phillip marathon kicks ass!" said Cartman.
"Sure does," said Stan.
Suddenly, the TV turned staticky.
"Dammit, I thought mom and dad had the TV checked yesterday," said Kyle.
"That faggot in the red coat must've messed the
TV up, not taken out any errors. I told mom and dad that the TV was
fine and didn't need some fag from that Bill Bradley
commerical to fix our home!"
A news broadcast then appeared on the TV.
"We interrupt this very popular program which we will get flames for
from millions of fans but we don't care to bring you this
special announcement. Ahem." The reporter was talking with a calm voice
until he said, "THE CITIZENS OF SOUTH PARK,
COLORADO ARE CATCHING A DEADLY DISEASE CALLED THE BLACK PLAGUE! RUN
FOR THE HILLS!
AVOID JEWISH PEOPLE AT ALL COSTS, THEY ARE TO BLAME!" Buboes start
developing all over the reporter's
skin. "Huh? Ahhhhhh!!!!! I've got Black Plague! There's no cure! This
is Will U. Crap signing off! We now return to our
regularly scheduled program!" Will fell down dead.
"Dude, this sucks ass!" said Stan.
"Jewish people, eh?" said Cartman, looking at Kyle. "Everyone, let's
get away from Kyle! Otherwise, we'll get Black Plague
too!"
Cartman, Stan, and Kenny ran out of the house.
"Hey, guys, wait! Don't you wanna see the rest of Terrance and Phillip?" asked Kyle. No responses. "Guys..."
Cartman, Stan, and Kenny went to Stan's house and watched Terrance and Phillip there instead.
"I hope we got away from that Jewish household in time," said Cartman. "I don't wanna die of Black Plague!"
"Although I feel bad about abandoning my friend, Kyle," said Stan, "what's more important, life or friendship?"
Kenny mumbled something.
"They only give that answer in those gay ass fairy tales that Mr. Garrison
reads us, Kenny," said Stan. "The answer is actually
life! And I want to live a long time!"
The next day, at school...
"Now, class, time to call roll," said Mr. Garrison. "Eric."
"Here," said Cartman.
"Stanley."
"Here."
"Wendy."
"Here."
"Pip."
"Oh father."
"Tweek."
"Ahhh! Oh, uh, hi Mr. Garrison."
"Craig."
Craig flips Mr. Garrison off.
"Kenny."
"Mmmm!"
"Timmy."
"TIMMY!"
"Kyle."
Silence.
"Kyle Broflofski?"
Silence.
"Where the hell is that kid?"
"I saw him outside today, Mr. Garrison," said Stan. "The security guard wouldn't let him in because he's a Jew."
"What's wrong with being a Jew?" asked Mr. Garrison.
"Didn't you hear the news?" asked Stan. "Jews are being held responsible
for the Black Plague that's been sweeping South
Park recently."
"I didn't hear that news. I was watching a soap opera on Turner Classic Movies. What were you kids watching?"
"Terrance and Phillip!" all kids but Timmy answered.
"Now, I tell you, that kinda stuff is junk," said Mr. Garrison. "Back when I was your age..." Mr. Garrison rattled on.
"It'll be a while before he shuts up," said Cartman.
"Yeah, like when the bell rings," said Stan.
The bell rang.
"Sit down, I haven't dismissed you!" said Mr. Garrison. "Now anyway,
where was I? Oh yes, Mr. Hat and I used to watch The
Brady Bunch with my parents. I miss the old days when my mom would
make me peanut butter and jelly sandwiches while
watching it."
"Mr. Garrison," said Mr. Hat, "if the principle finds out you held the
students, he'll make you write passes for them to their next
class!"
"Oh, then, uh... get outta here you little devils! And be sure you watch TV Land tonight!"
The class left for the cafeteria. Cartman, Stan, and Kenny stould in front of Chef.
"Hey, kids, what's going on?" Chef asked. "Where's Kyle?"
"Chef, this really sucks," said Stan. "The Terrance and--"
"I know, Stan, my boy, the Terrance and Phillip marathon was interrupted just when they got to the funny part!"
"Not only that, Chef, but Jews were blamed for the cause of the Black Plague!"
"Oh yeah, Kyle's a Jew, isn't he?"
"He sure is! I miss Kyle! I wish there was something I could do!"
"I'm glad he's gone," said Cartman. "Jews are no good bastards! They made this disease to kill Christians!"
"No they didn't, fatass!" shouted Stan. "I just wish there was some
way to prove Kyle and the other Jews' innosense so that the
school security guard would let Kyle back in. I'm starting to miss
him."
"Well, kids," said Chef. "Perhaps there is a way! Just find out what caused the Black Plague for real and prove it!"
"How can we know unless it kills someone?" asked Stan. "Well, I guess
someone will have to die." Stan looked at Cartman.
"You'll be the bait!"
"Hell no!" shouted Cartman. "Why not you instead?"
Cartman and Stan got in a big fight, and Kenny jumped in just for the heck of it.
Later, Cartman, Stan, and Kenny were walking down the street at an ally and they saw a rat. It jumped up and bit Kenny.
"Oh my god, it bit Kenny!" shouted Stan.
"MMMM!!!!!" Kenny screamed.
"I learned this on Terrance and Phillip," said Cartman. Cartman turned
around, bent over, and farted. The rat couldn't stand the
smell and it ran away. Kenny pulled the strings on his jacket tighter
to avoid the smell of Cartman's fart.
"Now that that's over, let's go find whatever caused the Black Plague and prove Kyle innocent," said Stan.
Kyle was watching the news. On one side of South Park, he saw people
running around, screaming "BLACK PLAGUE!" The
other side of the radar showed people in hapiness and harmony. That
was the side where Kyle lived.
"Dude, how could they blame this on Jews?" wondered Kyle. "Jews don't
even live there. And those people with Black Plague
are coming closer and closer to this area and making the disease spread.
What's up with that?"
At the cafeteria the next day...
"So, kids," asked Chef, looking down on Cartman, Stan, and Kenny, "did you gather any evidence?"
"Well," said Stan, "we heard on the news that the disease is at the
area of South Park on the opposite side of here and is
coming this way, and this is where all the Jewish people in South Park
live. So, I called the White House and told Bill Clinton,
but there's no way you can have an intelligent conversation with him!"
"You called the White House?" asked Chef. "Your mom's gonna kill you when she sees that phone bill!"
Stan whispered something in Chef's ear. Unfortuneately, Cartman heard.
"What?" he shouted. "You traced it through my phone? How'd you do that?"
"When I was talking to you on the phone the other day," said Stan, "I
told you a button sequence to press so that Terrance and
Phillip may call you someday. That wasn't true, you dumbass! I can't
believe you fell for it! What it did was make my phone
calls be put on your phone bill!"
"Why you son of a bitch!" Cartman tackled Stan and they got into another big fight. Kenny jumped in again.
The next day, the mayor of South Park addressed a speech.
"Attention, citizens of South Park," she said. "Quit trying to get me
to sign your autographs, stop flashing cameras, shut the hell
up, and listen. As you all know, the Black Plague has sweeped South
Park. Originally, Jews were blamed for this. But it has
been discovered that a fly carrying the disease bit a rat and everyone
it bit got the disease and it was very contagious. If
someone you know is bit by a rat, please put something over their entire
body besides their eyes, like a really big parka with a
hood, so that they may not spread the disease."
Cartman, Stan, and Kenny were sitting in Stan's house watching the news.
Then, Stan grabbed the controller and turned the TV
off.
"Dude, we didn't have to prove Jews innocent," said Stan. "It's already been proven!"
"Wait a minute," said Cartman. "Didn't Kenny get bitten by a rat the day before yesterday?"
"You're right, Cartman!" said Stan. "Luckily, Kenny has his parka on,
so he can't spread the disease to us or anyone else.
Kenny, I'm afraid you may die shortly."
Cartman and Stan looked at Kenny to see a buboe sticking out of his
parka hood. Cartman and Stan screamed at the top of
their lungs as they heard Kenny let out a weak "Mmmmm!!!!" Kenny then
fell to the ground, dead.
"Oh my god, they killed Kenny!" said Stan.
Later, wearing a rubber suit with a gas mask on it, Stan pulled Kenny's
courps out of his house and tossed him into a ditch,
where he flowed away through the sewer.
While the next day at school, Cartman and Stan approached Kyle, who was now allowed back into the school.
"Kyle, you're back dude!" said Stan.
"Sure am!" he replied. "They allowed me in because the Black Plague has been discovered to not be caused by Jews."
"Yeah, cause you know, I learned something today," said Stan. "I learned
that you should always turn the TV off when your
favorite show is interrupted by a news broadcast, especially if it
has higher ratings than every other show!"
Kitty walked up to Cartman, Kyle, and Stan.
"Hey, Kitty, wassup?" said Cartman.
Kitty looked up at Cartman, holding a dead rat in its mouth.
"KITTY!" shouted Cartman, spanking his cat's mouth. "SPIT IT OUT, THAT RAT COULD HAVE BLACK PLAGUE!"
"Meow!" the cat reached up and scratched Cartman till he was bleeding.
THE END