WARNING: This story is categorized under Horror for a reason, because personally, it terrifies me that basically half of fan fiction is written like this.
To be clear: This is the type of story I hate most, and I would never EVER write anything like this if not under the duress of a challenge.
Harry Potter and the Season of Change
Chapter One: In which: the reader learns how truly sexy Harry is, what happened to him over the summer, and why Malfoy always smirks.
Harry James Potter was a strikingly sexy young man who had really filled out once he turned seventeen. He was 6'2", had a rippling six-pack, and startling green eyes, which you could see now that he got rid of his ugly glasses. His sexy scar just added to his hot bad boy new look, and so did his silver snake earring. He was wearing tight black leather trousers that really made his arse look hot, and a silky green shirt that totally matched his sexy eyes. The hot look was completed by knee-high dragonhide boots, and he had a small tattoo of a snake on his sexy back that you could see through the gap between his shirt and pants.
He walked up to his best friends, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger, who were standing in front of the Hogwarts Express. Ron had really filled out that summer too, standing at 6'5" with his sexy shoulder-length auburn hair and his strikingly blue eyes. He too had a sexy six-pack, and was wearing tight jeans with rips across the knees, skater shoes, and a skintight blue tank top that somehow showed off his enormous muscles and complemented his pretty eyes. Hermione had turned into a foxy witch, with her hair finally becoming sexily wavy, and her face covered in makeup. She was wearing a tight miniskirt, and a skintight pink t-shirt that said 'I love YOUR boyfriend' in white letters. Her long legs were made longer with a pair of baby pink stilettos, and her belly button ring was sexily visible through her tight t-shirt.
Harry smirked and said hey to his friends, and Ron said hey back. Hermione squealed in a sexy way, and gave Harry a hug. "You look so hot, Harry! What happened to you this summer?"
He shrugged, and replied, "I dunno, Mione. I just woke up one morning, maybe on my birthday or something, and I looked like this. It's pretty sweet, ne?"
Hermione squealed again, and said excitedly, "Omigod! I totally know what happened to you, as I kind of read a lot, in between looking like a slut, and making out with Ron! You obviously came into your Magical Inheritance, like on your seventeenth birthday or something, because that's when wizards come of age. It probably means you're a Veela, too! This means that lots of people are going to be attracted to you, until you find your mate, because you're just oozing Sexual Magic! I would totally be attracted to you, except for the fact that Ron's my mate, and we have sex like 5 times a day! Isn't that right, sweetie?"
Ron smirked, and said, "You know that's right, bitch."
Hermione slapped him on the arm and pouted prettily. "Ronald! Just because I look like a flipping hooker and I give in to your every sexual desire doesn't mean I'm not a feminist. As an assertive, independent young woman, I resent you calling me a bitch! Because really, I'm quite a nice person to everyone except for Slytherins. Except for Draco Malfoy, who is the hottest thing since the Foreman Grill! He's just so sexy and hot! If I wasn't too busy giving Ron blowjobs every hour, I would totally lust after him."
Harry was shocked. "You mean Ferret-Face Malfoy? Goddamn, there's no way in hell I would ever find him hot! Even if I did like boys, which I obviously don't, because I dated Ginny, and had sex with like a bajillion girls this summer!"
Ron smirked again, and said, "That's my man! I could tell you got some as soon as I saw you! You can tell I'm getting some too, because I'm smirking. That's why that smug bastard Malfoy was always smirking, because he gets some like every five seconds. Even though I'm straight, I still know he's smoking, Harry. Maybe you just couldn't tell with your glasses on."
Harry just smirked, and said, "Well, now I'm going to be getting laid a hell of a lot more often, mate or no mate. And I still think Malfoy's uglier than Neville."
Hermione gasped, and smacked Harry's arm. "How can you be so mean to Neville? Just because he's fat and zitty doesn't make him any less of a nice person. Sure, he'll probably commit suicide because no one will ever take his virginity, but we should make his last years slightly more pleasant."
Harry said, "Whatever. I'm just glad this is my last year of school. Being under the eye of that creepy old man totally outweighs the benefits of shagging schoolgirls in sexy uniforms."
Ron totally agreed, and gave Harry a high-five.
Hermione suddenly gasped. "Omigod, you guys! We're totally going to miss the train if we don't get on like right now!" She dragged Harry and Ron onto the train.
As they went from compartment to compartment, all the girls and some of the guys tried to throw themselves at Harry. Harry didn't mind all the girls, but he was creeped out by the guys, and punched a few until they got the message. He smirked down at the seven Forth Years surrounding him, and said, "I think there's a girl's bathroom right down the hallway. Might be useful. Ladies?"
Just as Hermione was going to give Harry a lecture on the dangers of propositioning young girls in groups (she was also a women's rights activist), Harry heard the sexiest voice in the world.
"Reduced to Forth Years, Potter? God knows no one in our year would shag you."
Harry looked up. Standing there was the hottest person he had ever seen. His white blond hair hung sexily over his grey eyes, which smoldered sexily. He was wearing tight black jeans and dragonhide boots like Harry's, and a green t-shirt that said 'My imaginary friend doesn't like you' and showed off his amazing body. Harry knew that this was his mate because clearly he was the only other truly sexy person in the school.
And suddenly, Harry knew who it was. Draco Malfoy. Ron was right, he really was smoking! But, Harry suddenly realized, he had a horrible personality, and therefore couldn't be his mate, no matter how gorgeous he was. Besides, Harry was definitely straight. His mate was probably some girl shaped like Ginny, but with a different hair color.
Harry sneered at Malfoy, and said, "Whatever. I'm totally not having sex with you and becoming your mate because I'm definitely not attracted to you. So, NYEH!" *
Harry vaguely wondered why everyone was staring at him, and then he realized what he had said.
Harry thought to himself, oh fuck, and then he randomly fainted, as a lone tear trickled down his shapely cheek.
TO BE CONTINUED.
A/N: * Beebee, I think I've spent too much time talking with you. :]
Alright. I just couldn't do it. I failed in the fourth paragraph. Hell, if I can't make this a parody, what am I doing writing it? :]
By the way, I think this'll be a combination of every badfic there ever was, including:
-Harry doesn't know he's gay, but then becomes bisexual in like one chapter
-Harry is a Veela, and Draco is his mate
-Hermione's a slutbag
-Ron is somehow a 'ho'-slinging American wangster
-I WILL DESCRIBE EVERY OUTFIT EVERY CHARACTER EVER WEARS!
-Purebloods wear shirts with lame Muggle sayings on them. Seriously, does anyone else hate when people do this? They don't even choose the funny sayings, they use ones like mine. WHICH ARE LAME.
-I will use the lone tear quite often; as I think it is hilarious, and I find it hard to take stories seriously that use it.
-I might even delve into the M-Preg. For real this time. (UPDATE 2/17/10: No M-Preg this time, folks. I think I've said just about everything that needs to be said in about, oh, 3 other stories?)
-Harry is an insensitive lout (as is everyone in this story, except for Hermione, who is a humanitarian in between shagging Ron and putting on mascara) who smirks a lot and wears tight leather clothing that no doubt cuts off his circulation in the bottom portion of his body
-Everyone smirks a lot, because everyone's getting laid, except for Neville. I feel vaguely sorry for him…