motorcyclegirlfriends on tumblr recently posted this ( post/161549268711/is-it-canon-that-lena-actually-hates-aliens-ive) and this ( post/161547156236/i-understand-the-need-to-write-a-kara-finally) which might have led to the rambling ficlet that is below. i hope it does their commentary justice. i was shooting for a good fic, but i'll settle for mediocre as i'm still pretty new to the fic game.
feel free to leave comments and feedback!
The knock on her office door startled Lena. She glanced at the clock on her computer. She had been staring off into space for a good thirty minutes now, just letting random thoughts bounce around the inside of her head. Getting lost in her work was one thing. In her thoughts? She hardly ever let herself do that.
Lena tried to right herself before welcoming her mystery guest, smoothing out her blouse and skirt.
"Enter."
Lena's mouth went slightly agape. "Kara? I mean..." Lena cleared her throat and tried again. "Kara... it's so good to see you. Come in, sit." Lena half stood stiffly from her seat in greeting as she ushered Kara into the room.
Kara walked into the large, top floor office timidly, recalling images of the nervous reporter Lena met not all that long ago. How their relationship had changed and grown in such a seemingly short time.
"Hi. Yeah. It's ummm... been a while? I'm sorry. I just..." Kara waved her had airily as if she could somehow reach out and grab the words she had been searching for.
"Just didn't want to see the woman who built a device that at worst nearly killed your boyfriend and at best still manipulated the environment as such that he could never return to this planet again?" Lena deadpanned nervously. The gallows humor fell heavily over the room.
"Lena, no... I... no?" Kara fiddled with her glasses as she searched for the appropriate response. It's not what kept her away. Not really.
"I had a lot to sort through once Mike… Mon El... left. And I just needed to do that on my own?" Away from you. Away from the confusing feelings I have for you that always seem to take over my mind whenever I'm within five feet of you. " Even my sister was in the dark for a while," she tried to state reassuringly. "I needed to sort through some things and I think that..."
"Why didn't you ever tell me about him?" Lena asked quietly.
"I mean... I did?" Kara's eyebrows crinkled in confusion. She wasn't following.
Lena stood up from behind her desk and came around it to face Kara.
"No. Not that. I mean yes that... you mentioned dating... barely mind you... but that's not what I mean. Why didn't you tell me you were dating an alien?"
"Oh." Something cold slid down Kara's neck and spine. "Does it matter that he's an alien?"
"I think you know the answer to that. It matters as much as you decided to keep it a secret from me." Not the whole truth. Not a whole lie either.
"Would it matter if I was an alien?" Kara seemed nearly as surprised as Lena at the question.
"I don't see what that has to do with anything. Don't be flippant, Kara. We're not talking about you."
Well this certainly wasn't the conversation Kara came here to have. But it's the conversations you're not planning to have that sometimes are the most necessary. And really, how long had Kara and Lena, Lena and Kara been leading up to this moment anyway?
"Yes we are."
"Yes we are, what?" Lena asked, her turn to get lost in the conversation.
"We are talking about me. I'm an alien too, Lena."
"I'm sorry. What did you just say?"
"I said..." Kara tried to stand up a little straighter. Tried to appear more confident than she felt. Tried to ignore the dropping feeling in her stomach as she needed to repeat the words. "I said, I'm an alien. Kryptonian, to be specific."
Lena stared at Kara's downcast face; the poor girl shuffling her feet nervously. She hadn't asked Kara to repeat herself out of spite, to torture her, it was simply that the roaring in her ears made her think she couldn't have heard her friend (her best friend? her maybe something more, someday?) correctly.
"All this time?" Lena started. "All this time, and you never told me. Kryptonian?" Lena started to pace. "You're Supergirl? All this time, Kara? You didn't think I had a right to know?"
Her voice was rising in pitch and volume. Hands trembling as the adrenaline started to course through her veins. Was this how Lex felt when he found out about Superman? Was it this level of betrayal? Of deception? The two people she valued, she trusted more than anyone on this Earth and they had lied to her. Lied to her like so many others.
"I wanted to tell you. Of course, I wanted to... but I was afraid. I was afraid to see the look on your face that I'm seeing now." Kara's eyes finally managed to make contact with Lena's again.
"It's because I'm a Luthor. Because of my mother. What happened between my brother and your cousin. God... Superman is your cousin." Lena shook her head in disbelief as she headed over to the small bar in her office to pour herself a drink. She downed it in one swallow, the burn a momentary distraction, and turned again towards Kara... towards Supergirl. God... how has she not seen it before?
"No. No... I meant it when I said that you are not your mother, that you're not like your brother..." Kara reached out her hand towards Lena only to see Lena take a fraction of a step backward. She dropped it back to her side, balling it into a tight fist.
"I don't have to 'come out' to everyone I meet, Lena. I have the right to take the time to see who is trustworthy with my secrets. With my life. With my family's lives."
"And you didn't trust me? After everything I've tried to do here in National City? After all the good L-Corp has done? After I personally helped thwart my own mother's mad plans on several occasions? After I saved the world from the Daxamite invasion?" Lena was yelling now. Eyes wide, chest heaving. She couldn't believe that Kara would treat her this way.
Kara drew a deep breath. "Yes." Another deep breath. "Yes. Even after all of those things. Because not everything in life is as black and white as mass genocide. Because you still built an alien detection device because you think humans have 'a right to know who they're dealing with'. Because you think that I should have introduced myself to you the first time as 'Kara Danvers comma reporter comma Kara Zor El comma alien comma Supergirl'.
"Even after all of those things, Lena, because at the end of the day, you may trust Supergirl, but you don't trust aliens as a whole. Because at the end of the day, for you it's 'us versus them'." One last heavy breath from Kara filled the silence that overtook the room. Months of pent up fear that Kara hadn't let herself truly feel, truly express, settling over them.
Lena crossed her arms again, about to open her mouth for a retort when sirens could be heard through the open balcony doors. She shook her head angrily as Kara looked torn between responding to the sounds of distress and staying rooted to finish out this argument with Lena.
She used her now empty glass to point in Kara's direction. "I did trust Supergirl. I did trust you. Now I'm not so sure. You should go."
Kara nodded once and made her exit out through the balcony.
The fire at the port was minor in comparison to the devastation that National City was still recovering from after the Daxamite invasion. A few minutes of freeze breath and some assisting with the coordination of the evacuation of at risk port workers and her work was done.
As she floated back to the skies she thought about the previous few weeks. For the most part, Kara's duties as Supergirl had been (at the behest of the President no less) to be the face of aliens working together with humans to rebuild. Infrastructure, sure, but more so to rebuild the strained relationships between humans and aliens after the attack. It was no secret that the President's pro-alien agenda was under heavy scrutiny after so many casualties. Could the Earth, should the Earth continue to be a place welcoming refugees? It was a question that no one could seem to agree on an answer for.
It had been draining to say the least. While Kara relied heavily on her Kryptonian culture and training as far as the act of diplomacy was concerned she had still spent most of her formative years on Earth, and that made balancing out her loyalties difficult. Her own hatred of the Daxamites went farther back in time than those of humans and her rage often swelled when she thought of Rhea and her deadly plans.
She also knew hundreds of aliens now who were no more powerful than a human being. Those who cowered in the shadows, afraid to come out. Those who had now traded one type of persecution for another. Did that make humans any better? Did they have the right to deport all aliens in the off chance that one or two may have sinister motivations?
Kara floated up, up, up, until the air became thin and the Earth curved over the horizon in front of her and she could see starlings peeking through the atmosphere. It was moments like this that she missed being a child on Krypton most. She longed for the days when Kryptonian logic was infallible and she simply had to look to her parents for the wisdom to lead a planet full of people.
Of course, the way a twelve-year-old views the world is not how the world really is. And longing for days of naivety were pointless.
Kara was thankful for Alex's pep talk the other night. She was right (as her sister often was). There was only so much Kara could do. She could take responsibility for herself and she'd have to trust that the rest of the world would also strive to do the right thing.
For the rest of the world, she would have to wait and see.
For the things, the people closest to her heart, she would have to do the same apparently.
Kara sat curled up on her couch under her favorite blanket, a pint of the best gelato from a little village in Italy in hand, and Zootopia muted playing on the TV. She had been meaning to watch it for ages now, but only part way in and she felt like it was all just too much to take in at the moment. Thus, blanket and ice cream. What more could a girl want? Kara thought to herself. She groaned as she stabbed the frozen treat with her spoon. There was plenty that she wanted.
As if Kara's super powers extended to conjuring people up out of thin air, the sound of clicking heels in the hallway stopped just outside of her apartment. Kara turned around and lowered the glasses on her nose to see Lena standing on the other side of her doorway, staring ahead, hand raised to knock but unmoving.
Kara held her breath.
Knock.
Knock.
Please knock, Lena.
She watched Lena lower her hand and walk away.
Three times this week Lena found herself on the verge of seeking out Kara. Standing outside of Kara's apartment (only to never knock on the door), an elevator ride up to Kara's floor at Catco (only to never get off the elevator), and even standing on the sidewalk staring up at the building that housed the DEO. (Some serious hacking went into finally finding the headquarters where Supergirl took her marching orders.)
Three times she lost all nerve and walked away.
This was the first time in their friendship that she felt at a loss for words with Kara. She still felt so betrayed. But if she was honest with herself she wasn't sure if it was more from feeling like she hadn't earned Kara's trust or the fact that she, deep within herself, felt like Kara owed it to her to tell her she was an alien at the first possible moment.
It was a question she came back to often. Usually when she was supposed to be working on the transporter that she started with Rhea. Usually when she was supposed to be reviewing plans to improve the infrastructure of National City. Usually when she was supposed to be doing anything that she would love to hear Kara's or Supergirl's opinion on.
Weeks had gone past now since their tense exchange in Lena's office. Lena had seen Kara as Supergirl several times since then in official capacities. Just last week it was the ceremony at the newly built City Hall in which she and Supergirl - among other heroes including one Maggie Sawyer - had both received keys to the city. It was the type of day that Lena had been dreaming about since her move to National City. She had earned the people's trust.
But what did that matter when the one person who she wanted to earn it from most now looked at her with such sadness in her eyes? After the ceremony and the pictures for the press Kara had turned to Lena as if about to say something. Lena's face tried to convey the desire to talk again in earnest, but Kara had opened her mouth, shut it, and simply turned heel and flew away.
Maggie's hand on her arm brought Lena's attention back down to Earth.
"You know, Lena. If you ever want to talk about it… I have some experience with the Danvers girls." She placed her card in Lena's palm and strode away to where Alex was waiting for her.
It was three days before Lena gathered up enough courage to call Maggie and ask her to get together and another week before their schedules lined up to actually set a date.
"Wear something casual, Luthor," was all that Maggie said before texting the address to Lena.
And here she stood, in a dark, dingy, alley off 3rd Ave waiting for Maggie to show up. Dark jeans and a flowing maroon colored sleeveless top with flats that meant she barely stood taller than Maggie who just arrived leather clad on her motorcycle. Well I can certainly see why Alex came out for her.
"See something you like there, Luthor?" Maggie threw a mischievous smirk over her shoulder as she banged her fist on the door four times, then two, then four times again. A small panel at eye level opened and Maggie duteously gave the password: marigold.
Lena followed Maggie into the dive bar, past the pool tables, and over to a corner booth. On her way, she nodded at the people that waved in Maggie's, and by extension her, direction. "Beer?" she double checked with Lena before ordering. Lena nodded and got as comfortable as she could on the hard bench. Two bottles of amber liquid were sat in front of them. Lena grabbed hers immediately and took a long swig.
"So. You want to tell me why you and Kara haven't spoken in nearly two months? Or should I just take a guess?"
"Well, you certainly don't beat around the bush, do you?" Lena's eyes flickered up from where she was meticulously concentrating on removing the label from her beer bottle in one go. Maggie simply smiled, and turned her head slightly to the side, peering at Lena and waiting for her to open up.
"Some say it's one of my better qualities. Although, I'm never really sure what that means about my other qualities…"
"No. No. It's good. In my line of work, someone who can cut through all the bull is rare."
"So?"
"So. I guess I need help. With Kara. I need help with Kara. And normally I would talk to Supergirl about that but…"
"Ahh. But alas. They are one in the same. Yes." Maggie nodded sympathetically. "And just what is the help that Lena Luthor requires?"
"It seems…" Lena took a deep breath, "that after careful consideration, self-reflection, and one pretty awful conversation with Kara that I might, in fact be, somewhat, a little…. xenophobic?"
"Well, props to you for owning it, Luthor."
Lena thought she might be being teased for a moment but her drinking companion showed no signs of insincerity.
She slouched into the booth and mumbled mostly to herself. "Doesn't seem to be doing me much good with Kara. I've hurt her. And I feel betrayed. And I don't know how to make it right."
"Listen. Things that are ingrained in us… they're hard to overcome. Let me ask you something. What do you have in common with Kara? I mean really, this junior reporter from Midvale and you, multi-millionaire CEO who has traveled the world? How do the two of you end up being the best of friends?"
Lena felt herself bristle at the question. It was an oversimplification of her and Kara as individuals and their difference in status was one that she feared might one day make Kara insecure in the friendship.
"We're both orphans. We both are trying to forge our own paths despite what legacies have been left to us. We both want to be a force for positive change in the world. We both love kale, even though she'll never admit it. We both love NSYNC, even though I'll never admit it." Lena laughed softly to herself. "We're both gay?" Lena looked up at Maggie expectantly.
"Ha. Nice try Luthor. If you want that piece of information, you're going to have to go straight to the source. If you'll pardon the pun."
Lena shrugged half-heartedly. "Can't blame a girl for trying."
Maggie took a sip of her beer as she looked at Lena seriously. She placed the bottle back on the table top gently. "It sounds like you two have a lot in common."
"We do."
"And yet, despite from being from different worlds, literally mind you, you've managed to see that. You've managed to connect to Kara's humanity. And she has been able to connect to the alien in you."
"I'm sorry, the what?"
"You fled. When you left Metropolis, you fled. You decided that you were going to take refuge in another city away from the people who couldn't separate you from your brother and his fight with Superman. You decided that you deserved a shot, separate from your brother. And ever since you've got here you've had to fight tooth and nail for that to become a reality. Despite doing the right thing over and over again, it's taken a long time for the people of National City to trust you. And there will still be people whose trust you will never earn."
Lena nodded. It was true. There was simply never going to be enough she could do for some people. She would always be a Luthor first. Good actions be damned. The fact that she retained so much power in the aftermath of Lex meant she was feared. People feared power that they didn't understand.
"Ahhh… there it is," Maggie nodded to herself.
Lena's eyes were wide. Had she really been this simple? How could she have not seen herself in these people? How could she not see them in herself?
"Listen, Lena… self-awareness is the first step. Give yourself some time. Then call Kara. She's waiting to hear from you." Maggie got up and laid a twenty on the table, pretending not to see Lena wipe away the mist from her eyes. "In the meantime, look around. Make some more friends. You might find some people in this very bar who would love the chance to meet you, even thank you for saving their lives a time or two."
Maggie was out the door before her words to sunk in. Lena looked up and took closer stock of the patronage of the bar. Nearly all alien. Or, she supposed, they could all be alien as many of them could simply resemble humans closely enough to pass. She got up and walked over to the bar top. There was always one sure fire way to make a friend in a place like this. "A round on me for everyone here." The roar of excitement that filled her ears brought on a fresh wave of tears.
Kara had barely touched down in her living room when she heard the faint knocking on her front door. Seeing it was Lena, she used her super speed to open the door before Lena could change her mind.
"Lena. Hi."
"Hi. Can I… would it be alright if I come in?"
Kara stepped back into the apartment to allow Lena entrance. The door closed and an uneasy silence took over the room.
"I missed you." "I've missed you."
They both laughed softly.
"Well now that that's out of the way. Would it be okay if I sat?"
"Sure. Yes, please. Just let me change out of the suit." Kara gestured at herself and started walking backward towards her bedroom.
"You don't… you don't have to. It doesn't bother me or anything."
"Oh… oh. Umm. Thanks? Thank you. Really. It's just… as many modifications as Winn has made to this thing it's never quite as comfy as sweat pants and a hoodie, ya know? I'll be back in a second."
Lena had barely sat down on the couch before Kara had sped back into the room and sat opposite her.
"So?" Kara looked everywhere but Lena.
"So," Lena began. "I had all of these things that I wanted to say to you and I'm afraid now that I'm here they've all gone from my head." Lena dropped her face into her open palms.
"I saw on the news last week about your new job initiative, specifically geared towards recruiting refugees. Alien and human alike. It sounds great."
Lena knew an olive branch when she saw one. An olive branch she wasn't sure she deserved.
"Yes. I'm very excited about it. We've already recruited some wonderful talent and I'm working with a wonderful Luminite named Wanda who has been helping me craft a meaningful program that can be utilized by other corporations. They have a wonderful understanding of so many alien cultures. And they've kept me from putting my foot in it on more than one occasion."
"Wow. That's great. That's really great, Lena." Kara picked absentmindedly at the blanket draped over the back of the couch.
"It is. But that's not why I'm here." Lena gathered herself to sit up straight and look Kara in the eye. "I owe you an apology."
"You?"
"Yes. And before you even think about saying that you owe me one, don't. I was wrong, Kara. About a lot of things. I continue to be wrong about a lot of things. And I have trust issues. And the thoughts that sometimes come into my mind when working with aliens are still there. They are. But now there's a second thought. Always a follow up. A pause to reflect to see if what I'm thinking about is coming from a place of fear or reality. And it's helping. It is. I feel as though I'm changing."
Lena stood up and started to pace the length of the apartment.
"I'm changing. But I'm worried that I've changed too late. I regret that I hadn't done all of this work before meeting you. Because then I would have been the kind of friend you needed all along. The kind of friend who you wouldn't be scared to tell that you're an alien. The kind of friend who wouldn't have made you feel like you had to keep that part of yourself hidden from me.
"And I still have a lot of growing to do. And I was just wondering, if you might hang around long enough for me to prove to you that I have changed. That I'll keep changing, for the better. Not for you… and don't take that the wrong way, but I want you to know that I'm doing this for me and because I want to navigate the world differently than I have for so long. I want to…"
Kara sprang up from the couch and pulled Lena into a hug. Tight. Maybe just a tad too tight, but Lena didn't care. God how she missed these hugs. She wrapped her arms around Kara and took a shuddering breath into her shoulder. Inhaled the smell of her shampoo. Grabbed on tighter… afraid, always now afraid that this time would be the last time she got to hold Kara.
After a full minute Kara pulled back just far enough to look Lena in the eye but not break contact with her.
"I would very much like to hang around long enough to see that, Lena."