Ryan Howard carefully maneuvered the black BMW down the tree-lined street. He coveted the one relic he still had left from his life in New York and was especially thankful for it today as he retraced many of his old haunts. Past the old familiar buildings and houses, he had only one destination on his mind as he navigated the busy street through the middle of Scranton. He was a man on a mission, had been ever since he got back to the city a mere three hours before. With his life and career back in New York just a distant memory, he had elected to return to the one place where people just might still be happy to see him. There were decisions to be made when he returned to reality, but for now, Ryan only wanted to remember.
He caught sight of the old office building just as he turned the corner. The Scranton branch of Dunder Mifflin appeared before him as he parked his car toward the back of the parking lot. The site of two years of distorted memories before him, Ryan made his way across the asphalt parking lot and down the outside sidewalk. Slipping inside the empty warehouse unnoticed, he headed for the first pit stop on the journey down memory lane. He paused briefly outside the elevator, smiling as he remembered all the stolen kisses they had shared there.
Heading up the back staircase, he took the steps two at a time until he came upon what he was searching for. It was the emergency door that led to the annex, one rarely used by anyone on the staff. It was a Saturday, and thankfully, no one had ever bothered to shut off his security access code. They had spent countless hours there together in this little nook. It was also the very place she was sitting when he saw her for the first time. Slightly bubbly but absolutely gorgeous, she had peaked his interest from the very first moment he laid eyes on her. Over the past three years, as the airhead young woman turned into his unsuspected best friend, that beauty had remained the same. Looking back, Ryan couldn't remember what life was like before he had known her.
Minutes later, he was jogging across the vacant parking lot and falling breathlessly into the front seat of his car. There was another memorable location he had to get to, but before he could start the engine, he pulled out the old photograph he had tucked into his messenger bag before leaving his parents' house that morning. Her silky black locks framed her face perfectly as she smiled back at the camera with those sparkling chocolate eyes. Months after they had parted ways, Kelly Kapoor was still the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and the one thing he couldn't get off his mind.
Backing the car out of the parking spot, Ryan put the top down and enjoyed the feeling of the unseasonable November breeze in his dark hair. Weaving in and out of traffic, he felt more at ease than he had in far too long. With his parents barely speaking to him after what they called the unfortunate incident and his friends not returning his calls, the concept of belonging anywhere had become foreign to him over the past few months. Yet, as he drove down the familiar boulevards of the Electric City, he realized that the sense of belonging still lived on with her, even if he did not.
Ryan slowly pulled his luxury car to the elegant front doors of a beautiful hotel on the outskirts of the city. Handing the keys to a valet, he entered the grand entry hall of the plush hotel where she had held her Diwali celebration last year. After checking in with the front desk, he headed for the ballroom he had thought about on a whim that morning. The moment he walked into the empty ballroom, he was transformed to a memorable autumn night during their last year together. He had made a decision that night that a part of him would always regret in some small way.
He could remember going to pick her up at her parents' house where her sisters had flirted with him while he waited nervously in the doorway. Her parents had already gone on ahead, so she was staying behind to help the girls get ready. Her hair had been longer then, as black as coal and as luscious as spun silk. She had begged him to wear the slate grey outfit she had picked out, and he hadn't been able to resist the charming way she had convinced him. As soon as he had seen her, he was certain that no girl had ever looked as beautiful and that all his half-hearted preparation had been well worth it. Her vivacious fuchsia sari clinging perfectly to her body, she looked the part of an Indian Princess. Even with the beautiful women he knew would be there that night, he knew that everyone's eyes, including his own, would be on Kelly.
Kelly had managed to do something that no woman had ever been able to do. She had dragged him reluctantly to the center of the ballroom and got him to dance with her. He had always hated dancing, but with her body pressed against his, it somehow didn't seem so bad. In fact, it was borderline amazing. They actually had a great time for a significant portion of the evening, enjoying being around each other and even the people that they worked with. Finally, her parents had posed the question that had crossed Kelly's mind a thousand times that night and a million times before that. As soon as her mother started asking about his plans for the future, Ryan felt his heart almost leap out of his chest. His heart racing, he tried to forget the pathetic excuses that had come tumbling out of his mouth.
And then, he had turned to find Kelly standing right behind him. He saw the overwhelming look of hurt and disappointment in her eyes. That single look affected Ryan more than anything ever had in his entire life. It was the one thing that guided him away from the inevitable connection he felt to her. When she posed the question to him a few nights later, Ryan once again lied to her. He had never really been able to tell her the truth, but maybe that was because he couldn't tell himself. It still bothered him now. He told her that he didn't think about her in his future, and Kelly told him that was the meant thing anyone had ever said to her. Then, he told her the one ounce of truth he could allow himself to share with her, hoping that it would somehow make her smile that signature smile, the one where her eyes shone and her nose was wrinkled. He told her that he was too afraid to think about her in the future because he didn't want to be let down if all their dreams didn't come true. The night of Diwali he had realized that all of those dreams actually did include her.
With one last regretful look back at the ballroom, Ryan returned to the car to pull out the leather-bound journal that he had stashed beneath the passenger seat that morning. Wanting to look at the list he had carefully planned out but not needing it to remember the next destination on his journey of remembrance, he absently inspected his own deliberate scrawl. Poor Richards, the site of many memories of his life with Kelly, was the one place he dreaded visiting the most. While it would be great to catch up with Rick, his favorite bartender, again, he didn't want to risk running into anyone he knew. Still not ready to make his presence in Scranton known, he silently prayed that no one would be there as he pulled into the familiar back lot of the dive bar. He scanned the row of cars, noting that he didn't recognize any of the vehicles.
"Howard!" Rick called out happily as he slipped in the back door. "No one told me you were coming back. I would have rolled out the red carpet."
"No one else knows I'm here other than my parents," he admitted. "I'd appreciate it if we could keep it that way for the time being."
"Why don't you want them to know?"
Ryan didn't need to ask what the old bartended meant. He knew that he wasn't really asking about anyone else in the office other than her. He looked down at his feet and then peered up at the man who had listened to many of his drunken confessions. Only one word was needed and he knew that Rick would understand everything. He knew that he would comprehend the weight of the situation with any further explanation. "Kel."
Rick only nodded before asking Ryan if he wanted anything. After he left to retrieve a bottle of his favorite imported beer, Ryan looked out into the smoky atmosphere of his favorite bar. The memories flooded him all at once, coming one after each other like a cruel receiving line. He could see her singing karaoke with her girlfriends from high school in one corner or laughing like conspirators with Pam at the end of the bar. He could hear her asking him to come home with her after she'd had too many drinks and quizzing him in their favorite booth the night before a test. Shaking his head, he tried to clear all the thoughts from his mind but they wouldn't go away.
Rick came over to the booth where Ryan always sat and sat down the brown bottle with a light thud. "Old ghosts?"
"More than you know, my friend," Ryan commented as he took a sip of his beer. "Do you care if I slip in next door?"
"Sure, go ahead. It's not open tonight, but I don't mind."
"Thanks, man," Ryan nodded as he stood up and headed for the private room next door. "For the beer and for everything else, I appreciate it."
"Anytime, Howard," Rick shrugged as he left. Ryan nodded at him silently and headed to the pool room next door. It was a favorite of the Dunder Mifflin crew and the only place outside the office that Ryan ever let himself see his co-workers. The old pool table was still alive in the center of the dingy space, its felt well worn from years of use. As he stood in the middle of the dim floor, Ryan spun around in a circle to take in the view. Countless games had been played with her in that very spot, all for varying wages that she would inevitably lose on purpose. He would catch her watching him while he took a shot, and each time, he felt like everything in the world was created just to give him the feeling he had when she was looking at him. Walking over to the cue rack, he pulled out the one he would always choose and lightly fingered hers. Closing his eyes, he finally allowed every emotion pulsing through his veins to wash over him. Knowing that he needed to move on to the next place but not quite ready to do it, Ryan just let himself feel it through. For once, he let his soul remember right along with his mind and his heart.
The next stop on his journey found him at a bench along a busy path at the mall. He knew that this one would be difficult, as it was a rare and poignant moment in the downfall of their relationship on his part. He had finally let his guard down with her there, partly out of wanting to compete with the doctor her parents wanted her to marry and partly because he truly did mean it. The cameras hadn't been around, and he had thought that he could finally open up to her. Even as heartless and cold as Ryan could be, he still knew that he didn't want to lose her.
I know that I can't give you all the things that he can, Kel, but you love me. That has to count for something here, right?
It wasn't exactly the grand declaration of love that she deserved, but it was the only one he could manage at that point. He had bought her a diamond-encrusted K necklace and hidden it in the bottom of a bag of her favorite candy. It was an uncharacteristic thing for him to do, pushing him beyond his boundaries of comfort as she had done time and time again. Even when they were apart, her ability to do that somehow kept them forever connected. He remembered when that girl from corporate he had hooked up with a few times found the necklace in his drawer, mistaking it for her own. It had killed Ryan then because he didn't want anyone else to see it, touch it, know that it existed. Sure, he didn't want anyone to see that part of him, but it was more than that. The necklace was theirs, and he didn't want anyone else to have it.
He had gone to return it shortly after they had broken up, and it still surprised him how hard that decision had been to make. He had actually ran into one of her old friends from high school outside the same Tiffany's store he had bought it. He took it as a sign and had held onto it.
He had kept it affixed to the end of his watch chain for months, tucked closely to his heart within the private confines of his suit pocket. His mother had seen it once and had asked him too many questions for his comfort. He had lied, saying that it was just the designer of the watch. She had refused to believe him, and they had ended up having one of the best conversations of his life. Everything he had wanted for the past two years, through the ups and downs of being with Kelly and his dreams for the future, finally made sense in those precious two hours when he was talking to his mother. And then, his mother had cemented that perfection with a single gesture.
You held onto it for a reason, Ryan. Why do you still have it?
I didn't want anyone else to have it, he had finally admitted. He had realized then that he meant a lot more than the necklace. He didn't want anyone else to have her.
Ryan clutched the diamond initial pendant in his hand as he headed back to his car. There was only one place left on his little walk down memory lane. He knew that this where he was going to find her. He didn't even have to think about it. His mind and his body knew instinctively how to get him there. It was as if fate was on his side because he managed to make it across town in record time, too. The lights were all green, and for once, there wasn't any traffic on the highway that led to where she was. It was only when he had once again shut off the motor to the shiny BMW that he allowed himself to think about what he was about to do.
The lights were on in her apartment as he stood in the parking lot alone, staring up at the place she called home. This was the epicenter of their entire relationship in a lot ways. They had spent hours on her couch watching reality TV, sitting at her table with his text books and flash cards, eating junk food on the floor of her kitchen after hours of making love, sprawled out in her bed on lazy Sunday mornings. His hands were shaking as he made his way into the building. She still hadn't moved into a place with a security system or a doorman, which her father was always after her to do. He was once again glad that she was too stubborn to listen to her dad. In fact, Kelly was actually pretty damn independent when it came to everything but him. He knew that had changed, however, since they were together because she was with Darryl now. Still, he had to believe in his heart that it wasn't too late.
She was half-asleep when she came to the door, her tattered lavender bathrobe hanging off her body. It was clear that she hadn't been expecting any company because the Kelly he knew would never answer the door looking like that. She had only let him see her without her makeup a few times in the fourteen months they were together. However, he had always secretly liked her the most like this – freshly scrubbed and stripped. It was when he got to see the real Kelly Kapoor.
"Kelly."
"Ryan?"
Walking slowly into her living room, he waited for her to close the door before turning back to look her. He could hear the television playing in her bedroom. Time seemed to slow down at she shortened the distance between them. Her dark hair shone brilliantly in the incandescent light of the overhead chandelier, creating an angelic halo effect.
"Ry?" she repeated as she looked at him, her voice thick with confusion.
Hearing her say his name again was enough for Ryan. He leapt forward and pulled her close to him, stopping only when his forehead was pressed against hers. "Kel."
Hearing him say her name again was enough for Kelly. She went to turn away from him when he caught her hand. He reached up and took her face in his hands, cradling it affectionately as his thumbs traced over her graceful jaw line. In one swift move, he leaded in and captured her mouth with his. Their lips crashing together, they both relished the kiss they had been waiting nearly a year for. Breathlessly, Ryan finally allowed her to pull back for him.
"Y-you're back," she stuttered. "You came back."
"I did," he confirmed with a serious tone. Gone was the cocky, confident guy who knew he held her heart in his hands. This time, he was playing for keeps.
"For what?" she asked. She still wasn't sure what he was doing there in her apartment. "Ryan, did you come here for me?"
"No," he shook his head. She turned away from him successfully this time as she felt her eyes immediately fill with tears. He was going to break her ever hopeful heart all over again. "For us."
"For us?" she repeated as he tilted her chin so that her eyes met his.
"For us," he promised as they became lost in another kiss. "Hey, Kel?"
"I love you, too, Ry," she said, voicing the sentiment before he lost the nerve to say the words. She knew that they were there, and someday, he would be ready to say them. Until he was, she had no problem saying it for him.