One Shot Series #1: GO SHOOT YOURSELF!

"This is shit! Why can't we all just go home! I could be doing things that are way more important than this crap!" A solider in colbalt colored armor complained as he fiddled with his sniper rifle.

A second solider attempted to console the first, "It is fine, Church. We could always go and visit those nice guys in red!"

Church laughed incredulously, "And why the fuck would we want to do something as insane as that? Hell, we might as well just wear signs on our fucking backs that say 'Please shoot me now! I'm free game!' Trust me Caboose, we are fighting against the reds! As in they're our enemies!"

The one named Caboose stood still, his breathy voice riddled with doubt. "I do not know, whenever I go to visit them, they always give me free bullets."

"Let me ask you one small question, Caboose."

"Question me away."

Sighing, Church slowly began to shake his head. "Okay, when they're 'giving you free bullets', are they firing them from their weapons?"

"What is a weapon?"

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?" Church screamed and felt like bashing his helmeted head up against one of the stoned walls of the Blue Base. "Caboose, please tell me that you're joking!"

"Joking about what?"

He screamed again, "WE'RE BACK AT SQUARE FUCKING ONE AGAIN! WHY DID YOU EVEN JOIN THE ARMY?"

Almost as though this were new information to him, Caboose gasped, "We are in the army? Has my mom sent me a care package yet?"

"You were dropped on your head a lot as a baby, weren't you?" Church asked sarcastically.

"Uh...maybe?"

"That's the smartest thing that I've ever heard you say, Caboose. It's actually something that makes the slightest bit of sense!"

"I like cookies!"

"And then it's over." He became more aware of the rifle in his hands, about how quickly he could be rid of Caboose's stupidity. Yet, he thought better. He'd never been the best when it came to firing accuracy, and that in the end, not only would he still have Caboose to put up with, but he'd also no have any ammunition to end his own life...If he got desperate enough. "Damn it, there really is no way out of this mother fucking war is there?"

Walking over to stand beside Church, Caboose set a hand on his shoulder, "Atleast you still have me, my bestest buddy."

Out of habit, Church pushed away the hand. "Then do me a favor would you?"

With much excitement, the rather stupid solider in blue, clapped his hands together, "Oh! Anything for you, Church!"

"GO AND FUCKING SHOOT YOURSELF!"

"That does not make much sense. If I do what you just told me to do...then that would leave you with no one but Tucker!"

"So? Atleast he's got more than one brain cell that works!"

Whispering, Caboose whined, "But I do not like Tucker..."

"And that's my problem, how?"

Church..." Lowering his voice even more, he barely breathed out his next words, "I think he loves you..."

By now, Church had learned to not pay any attention to the stupid nonsense that Caboose spouted, but still, ever so often, he could not contain his surprise. "That's nice, Caboos-Wait WHAT?"

"It is true! I have seen it with my own four eyes! He is always looking at you!"

"But that doesn't mean that he's fucking in love with me! He's my subordanate, Caboose! He's got to understand my god damn orders! Do you know what needs to be done, in order for someone to understand orders?"

Thinking as hard as his challenged brain could, Caboose was silent for a moment, then with a rush of energy, and a whole lot of confidence, he exclaimed, "I know! When a mommy and a daddy love each other..."

"WHY DO I EVEN FUCKING BOTHER?"

"Because you love me?"

Sarcasm coated Church's next words thickly, "That's right...it's because I love you..."

"Yay! But do you love me more than Tucker?"

Restraining himself from murdering Caboose right then and there, Church muttered through gritted teeth, "Where is Tucker?"

"He wanted me to tell you that he was seeing Tucker Jr. today."

"Wait...He fucking told you to tell me?"

"Possibly..."

"And you're just now telling me this?"

"Could be..."

"That he's gone to see that mother fucking alien spawn of his?"

"I don't remember..."

"Caboose..." Church said as he was surpressing the burning rage that he had inside, "Do everyone a favor and finally shoot your god damn self!"

Caboose sighed, and asked, "Does Church need a hug?"

"NO! What I need is to find Tucker!" Church yelled as he walked to the exit of the Blue Base. "He'll help me murder your fucking ass!"

"Can I come?"

With a final attempt against Caboose, Church yelled out, "NO! STAY HERE!"

Caboose, however, followed behind Church just like a faithful, idiotic watch dog...that would attack its owner, rather than attack the enemy.