"Why won't she go out with me!" Sirius Black groaned and banged his head against the chessboard. Remus Lupin petted his head in sympathy, before giving his hair a sharp tug to get it off the board, and ordering:
"Pawn to E4."
Peter Pettigrew unwrapped a chocolate frog.
"I mean, she dated that Andrew guy last year, and we all know he only wanted her for her body."
"Bets on how long it takes him to realise we're not listening?" Sirius was completely ignoring the game in front of him and Remus' insistent leg-kicking. Peter eyed the pile of candy in front of him.
"Four frogs says ten minutes." Sirius looked disgruntled.
"Real betting my friends!"
"Fine. Four frogs, a wand, two pasties, a box of Beans and… two Sickles worth of Jelly Slugs at Honeydukes."
"Excellent! Rem?"
"An Outstanding essay of the winner's choice, twenty-five minutes."
"Great. Two detentions, a half hour."
"Loser sits them or winner sits them? We're not James."
"Losers sit 'em, one for each, winner's choice. No interference, winner takes all, losers split the pot?"
"Deal."
"Deal."
"Time starts… now."
"Can we play!" Nine minutes and thirty-eight second passed, with James ranting, Peter watching the scenery go past, and Sirius and Remus engrossed in their game, when the door to the compartment was pulled open. James was up in a moment.
"Evans! You've finally come to your senses! Of course I'll date you! I'd love to! I love you!" Sirius looked rather upset.
"All bets off. No one wins." Remus gave his hand a quick squeeze.
"Lily. What are you doing here?" James stopped talking to stare at Remus incredulously.
"To see me, of course!" Lily looked uncomfortable.
"Actually, I did come to speak to Potter." Peter almost fell off his seat. Lily looked even more uncomfortable.
"Erm… I don't suppose you could… give us some privacy, or something?"
"No." said two voices and a squeak.
"Erm… okay then…" She sat James back on the seat and perched next to him, almost putting her hand on his knee before withdrawing it and folding it in her lap.
"Listen, Po- James. I know why you're asking me out all the time-"
"It only took her three years. It's true, ladies and gents, Lily Evans really is the smartest witch of our age!"
"Sirius, shut up."
"Uhm… okay…" Lily looked like she was going to bolt. "Anyway, I know why you're doing it-" here there was a muffled snort and a thud "-and I just want to say… say… that you don't have to!"
Silence. An ineloquent "huh?"
"There's nothing wrong with being what you are!"
"What, a stag?" Peter almost jumped into James' lap, Remus knocked the chess board over, and Sirius started banging his head against the window, repeating different combinations of "whipped" and "idiot". Lily looked slightly less confused, but a lot more creeped out.
"If that's what you want to call it… but… they know? Your friends know?" Sirius and Peter looked like they were about to haemorrhage.
"You know?"
"Of course I know! I've known for years! It's why he keeps asking me out!! By fixating his affections on an unattainable girl – me – his s ubconscious is giving him a reason to feel disgusted when he's dating, or kissing or, well, you know, with a girl, because he thinks he's in love with me! When he's not, his subconscious is making him think he is, so he doesn't have to face the truth!"
Now she had four boys staring at her in shock.
"The… truth?"
"That he's… a stag. We never told him because we thought he'd figure it out eventually, but then he seemed to be quite happy to wallow in denial for, well, ever, and frankly I'm getting a bit sick of it, but now that we know you've admitted it to yourself and your friends, you're fine! And you don't need to pretend anymore! No-one cares! Be whatever you want to be!"
There was a beat.
"Man, you suck at keeping secrets, if 'they' know before we did. What else have you told 'them'?" Sirius was looking at Lily like he would a bomb. Peter almost was, but couldn't quite keep the awed expression off his face. James was ticking over everything he knew about stags, trying and failing to match it up with what his obsession had said. Remus was certain that it would have all made sense, but only if the two parties had a different meaning for the word 'stag'.
"So, um, what do you think James is, exactly? No euphemisms?"
Lily looked slightly disheartened.
"Well, if you're sure-"
"We're sure."
"Well… homosexual, I suppose."
"Homo- WHAT!"
Sirius and Remus collapsed due to the laughter that was overtaking them.
"You- really think- me- GAY?"
"Yes!"
Peter looked nervous.
"You're not just… playing a prank on us?"
"No! Why would I do that?"
Sirius could breathe just enough to complete one sentence.
"Evans, your gaydar sucks!"
Peters lips were also twitching.
"Maybe you poofs were just giving off so many vibes they bounced off him."
Lily looked startled.
"What?"
"What do you think? James… gay!"
"But… you're…"
"Two of the biggest shirt-lifters you ever laid eyes on?"
"HELL yea!"
("ME… gay!")
"But… how?" By now Lily was completely confused.
"Have you ever seen two guys more obsessed with their appearance?"
"Or who wear makeup?"
"To be fair, she's never been in our bathroom."
"But, that's just good grooming, and it's the seventies! Tonnes of guys wear makeup!"
Sirius was now making an effort to calm down.
"Okay, okay. Do you see us in the common room, like, ever?"
"The other day! Did you see us in the common room the other day?"
.:oxOXOxo:.
Three days prior; sometime after seven:
Sirius was sitting in Remus' lap, wearing the infamous puppy-dog look. His bottom lip was twice the normal size, as were his eyes, which when you looked closely were suspiciously watery. He had been begging Remus for something for the last half hour, and had spent the three hours prior draping himself over the poor prefect.
Remus shook his head again and muttered something, a small smile playing over his lips. Sirius' eyes somehow got larger, and the overall demeanour of despair heightened.
Remus turned his head, and Sirius sniffed.
"Oh, okay! Fine." Instantly the tears evaporated. Sirius yelled "Yay! Thankyou!" before kissing Remus on the mouth and running upstairs. Remus just shook his head, a huge smile on his face, and turned back to the essay he had neglected in favour of gracing Sirius with company.
.:oxOXOxo:.
Lily looked slightly chastised.
"Well, you do it all the time!" The looks she was graced with could only be described as "uhm…duh?". James shook his head.
"How many other people think I'm gay?" Lily winced.
"Uhm… well… most of our year… and the seventh years… and the fifth and fourth years… no one else really cares." Remus and Sirius disintegrated into laughter again. James glared at them.
"And no one ever thought they would be gay?" Lily winced again.
"Well no, I mean, it's Black, and Lupin." James scrunched up his face and leaned back into his seat.
"Great. So the entire school thinks I'm gay when I'm not, but Sirius and Remus, the biggest poofters I ever met, aren't even considered in the running!"
Lily winced yet again and quickly fled the apartment, offering only a quick "sorry". Peter held out a frog to the irritated boy.
"At least you'll get to spend the next two weeks with people who don't think you're a poof."
James groaned and threw his hands over his face.
"My Aunt thinks I'm gay!"