A/N – Hello all! I know it has been quite some time since I posted anything, but after the lovely finale I just felt compelled to write this one shot; of course I could not do it without my writing better-half, so I totally roped her into co-authoring it with me. Thank you Jann (JannP) as always; there is no way I could have completed this story without you.
Disclaimer: No claim to own Glee. No infringement intended. Just for enjoyment
It had been four months since she left Lima to make her new life in New York; three and a half months since Kurt joined her-and nearly six months since she heard from Finn. It was December and while the winters weren't nearly as strong as the ones back home; it was still freezing and the ground was covered in white. She still loved watching the snow fall; even if the white satin covered ground almost always turned immediately to a greying slush. It was still beautiful and serene while it lasted. She had finished her semester with flying colors; she secured the lead in her freshman theater workshop and even had made a few friends along the way. However, the ache never went away. Yes, it had dulled over the past few months, but occasionally something would happen that would cause all the pain to resurface and that wound that had been tentatively sealed was torn open. He hadn't called or written, well except for the one letter that remained still sealed in her desk drawer. She had been tempted on so many occasions to rip it open and try to understand what he thought he was doing the day he forced her to get on that train; the day he changed their futures forever.
She ran her hands through her hair as she looked at her phone.
Rachel Barbra Berry you better be packed and ready to go! I will be there in promptly fifteen minutes. – Kurt
They were going home for their winter break; well, supposedly going home. She just had failed to mention she wasn't going to Kurt. They kept saying Finn wouldn't be there; that he was fine, but had chosen not to go home for the Christmas and she wondered if he was doing that solely to avoid her. The thought caused that wound to bleed once again. He hadn't given her a choice that day, but she had as he requested, surrendered, but only under the pretense that she was to be gone for a few days and that when she returned, she'd talk to him; convince him that they could make it all work if they tried hard enough. Yes, it would have been hard, but they could have gotten married and lived in a tiny shoe box apartment. Yes, they would struggled, but they could have made it…together. They could accomplish anything as long they had one another, or so she always thought.
She stood up and wandered over to her window; watching the snow fall a little heavier than before. She would never forget his words; I am setting you free (just remembering them left her with the feeling of being sliced with a sharp knife) which would have been a very sweet sentiment if she had asked to be freed, but she hadn't. She had asked him for forever which he had promised her over and over. He had told her they'd go to New York together no matter what. He had pushed to get married and she had accepted. Why hadn't that been enough? Why wasn't she enough? She closed her eyes as she pressed her forehead against the cool glass; trying desperately to fight off those painful memories. She had told him she'd wait; she'd defer and when he rebuffed that argument; she had asked him desperately to come with her. The thing was; she had thought he'd at least be there when she got back, but he was gone; no word, no warning; all he left her was a letter that stated she wasn't to open it until she moved on with her life. The same letter that remained sealed in her desk drawer.
She felt that familiar stinging in the back of her eyes and the knot in her throat every time she thought about him and how their perfect future was simply a house of cards that had fallen all around her. Rachel lolled her head to the side when she heard her phone vibrate on her small desk. She didn't want to go home because Lima was not her home; it never really was. She sighed when he vibrated again, pushing herself away from the glass. How was she going to tell him? I am sorry, but I cannot go back and be flooded with painful memories that felt like being slapped in the face over and over. It had been hard at first not knowing anyone and the wounds still fresh, but over time she made friends and her schedule kept her busy that some days she only thought about him five or six times as opposed to the usual twenty. The thing was; she knew that wouldn't be the case if she went back to Lima. She'd be immediately reminded of what could have been…what should have been…what he took away from both of them. She had spent that summer in Lima and spent so many nights reaching for him in her sleep only to wake up alone. On certain nights her Dads had even had to run in her room because they said she was crying hysterically in her sleep. She just couldn't and wouldn't subject herself to that – never again. She had to laugh a little at the irony. She had told him after they lost Nationals that year that she was going to leave and never come back; she just didn't know that he would be the reason she'd never return.
She blew out a breath and wiped the errant tears that had trickled down her cheeks when she heard Kurt knocking at her door. He was going to be livid when she told him, but it didn't matter; nothing mattered, but her sanity. She sighed and rolled her eyes as she stomped over towards the door. "God, Kurt, I'm -" she froze; her words dying on her lips when the man standing in her doorway wasn't Kurt ready to drag her off to the train, but the man who forced her onto it in the first place. "What – what are you doing here?" She finally stammered as she stared into those familiar yet different brown eyes; the same eyes that she used to be able to get completely lost in. She swallowed hard when he smiled a little and rubbed the back of his neck. He was nervous.
He dropped his hand and tried to really cover the massive breath he had to take just to feel like maybe his lungs could, y'know, function. He'd known way back at the train station, maybe even before the train station once the plan was coming together in his head, that this moment was going to be just so much. He just hadn't known how much was too much, especially when it still wasn't like he had any answers exactly. He didn't know how to be this guy; he'd stayed basically numb and he didn't know how to handle everything that happened to his stomach and his chest and heart-God, his heart was pounding-when he saw her. It wasn't like he had forgotten but he wouldn't let himself think about it too much either. Well now, he didn't have a choice. The feelings were there and they almost knocked him over and they definitely knocked out his ability to speak. He finally choked out the first words that came to mind.
"You look good, Rach," he said.
He immediately broke eye contact, which broke them free of the stunned spell they were both under. She felt the tears well in her eyes and the wound rip open like a canyon, but along with that sadness and hurt came anger and pain.
"I look good?" She asked; her voice a little harder and gruffer than she would have liked, but there he was after four months with no word acting as though nothing had transpired between them. Did…why was he here and why now when she was trying so desperately to move forward? She watched his smile falter and his eyes taken on a sadness that made her want to wrap her arms around him and - - no – he left – he – pushed her away saying he was loved her so much he was letting her go and all that nonsense that happened in romantic movies where you were left sobbing and awing but never actually ever wanted or expected it to happen. "I asked you," she demanded harshly, "What are you doing here? Just – passing through town?" She grimaced at the cold hollowness of her voice, but it was that or breakdown into tears and he didn't deserve to see how much he broke her heart. He didn't deserve to see just how much she had needed him. He didn't deserve her love even though he would always have it.
"Not exactly," he said. "I just thought maybe I could at least give you some kind of... I dunno... I thought maybe I could finally try and explain a little." He stumbled through his request and finally met her gaze, "Please, Rachel. Just give me five minutes -ten tops."
She didn't let him finish before she moved, as she knew what he was trying to say: that he wanted to fix what was broken because he had broken it; just like always. She wordlessly stepped aside, wrapping her arms around her now trembling body, so he could enter her tiny dorm.
"My Dads insisted I get a single since they felt I was a little too emotional to share a room with someone," she said, wiping away a few more tears. "Imagine that? I mean I had just been dumped by my fiancé, so yes I was a bit upset." She licked her lips and felt her heart beat painfully in her chest when he looked at her so apologetically he didn't even need to speak. "Don't, okay…I am fine now. I – I did everything you claimed you wanted. I am a straight A student and got the lead in my freshman workshop." She said brokenly as the sobs threatened to consume her, "You…you did me a favor, I mean – I showed I could be on my own and – "she gave him a tear-filled smile; her lips trembling as she spoke, "Did you figure out what you wanted in life? I – I mean that was what it was all about wasn't it? Because, you were the only one who doubted us…I never wavered. Not once…" she whispered; the words now distorted and unsteady.
"I…know you didn't," he replied not once taking his eyes off of her, his voice low and even. It wasn't necessarily what he wanted in life; it was what he thought he had to do. He still didn't expect her to get it 'cause he hadn't really let her into any of it. His breathing wasn't nearly as steady as his voice when she kept going, though.
"I – I trusted you not to hurt me again. I - I trusted you with my whole heart and you – you broke it. You didn't give me a chance to fight for us. You took the coward's way out and left with no phone calls or texts, just some stupid letter that I never even had the strength to read..." she trailed off and wandered back to the cool window (it always provided her with a weird sort of calm) to compose herself. "You – you lied to me…again. You – I needed you and you said you couldn't have to be there for me and that wasn't fair. It wasn't fair because we were a team; a unit…it doesn't work when the half of that team quits. I- I didn't want you to set me free…I just -" she looked over her shoulder; his own eyes red and she saw the trails of fresh tears on his face, "I – just needed you…forever…I needed our happily ever after."
He still wasn't exactly sure how he'd kept his shit together at the train station; just like he wasn't sure how he kept it together standing in front of her while she was marching through the list of ways he'd screwed everything up-like always. He took a couple of breaths that he knew would probably give him away unless she'd somehow managed to forget everything about him; after a couple of false starts, he managed to swallow and that really helped. His eyes were burning, catching fire from the back forward and he'd really thought he was ready to do this but maybe he'd been wrong again. He knew a couple of tears had escaped, but he'd be damned if he let any more out.
"I can't..." he kept his eyes trained on the ground. She had this way of just laying stuff right out there and it always kind of knocked the wind out of him. "I can't tell you I'm sorry enough, Rachel I...I got ahead of myself when I started making promises to you. I kinda thought if I could promise it that would somehow make it true and that wasn't really how it worked out." He flashed a smile that wasn't really a smile and closed his eyes and broke a promise to himself as his eyes leaked. " I didn't know what I was doing. Hell, I still don't really."
She wiped away at her cheeks, not even really sure why she was bothering anymore given that the tears just kept flowing uncontrollably. She hadn't wanted his apologies. She never had. All she had ever wanted was for him to explain. To help her understand how he could throw everything away stating it was for love. She licked her lips; tasting her own tears (something she had gotten quite used to over the past few months) and gave him a small nod. "You're sorry? I suppose that is what you think I wanted to hear? That those words somehow erase how much you hurt me?" She shook her head and laughed bitterly (she hated how jaded she sounded when her heart screamed to just let it all go and figure out how to fix everything, so they could be them again).
"No, I-" he tried to cut in, but the attempt was weak; like him. He pinched the bridge of his nose and she continued without him actually getting a word in edgewise.
"Hurt, is a putting a bit mildly; you crushed me on our wedding day. I was ready to pledge my undying love for you; to commit to you for the rest of my life and you not only decided that wasn't going to happen, but you picked the worst possible way to do it." She shrugged and offered him a weak smile. "I hadn't wanted to get married initially, but you knew that. You knew I was hesitant and scared. I didn't understand why you wanted it so much, but - but I took you at your word; I trusted that you wanted a life with me forever. That we could make it through anything if we had one another, but in the end - we couldn't and now you are standing here telling me you are sorry that you what? Thought you were ready to make a commitment to me?" She sighed and turned back towards the window. It was easier to lay her heart on the line when she wasn't actually getting lost in his own pain because regardless of how much he destroyed her; she never wanted him to hurt...ever.
"Not... Rachel, no," he said, finally finding his voice a little bit. "I wanted to be ready and I wanted to do it. I still want that life I just can't..." he shrugged. Can't even finish a sentence.
"How do you expect me to react? I...I don't even know what I am supposed to say? You were my life. I know you probably do not want to hear that and I am not trying to make you feel guilty, but it is true. When we first met; my thoughts were consumed with the future because the present was almost unbearable. It was my way out of my life, but that changed - "she swallowed hard as she tried desperately to compose herself, - but that all changed because of you; because of us. I stopped seeing the future as simply a way out, but something amazing to look forward to because I was going to have you to share it with. In all honestly, I couldn't see my future without you in it and I thought you felt the same way because that is what you told me." She smiled sadly and looked away (that wound that she had kept somewhat healed now ripped wide open) as her eyes welled back up with tears. "I...what...I asked you before; what are you doing here?"
"I've spent like six months talking to people," he blurted out. He hated the feeling he wouldn't be able to get a deep breath again; yeah, he'd said he was letting go and he'd asked her to do the same but... honestly did they ever let go of anything? It had been stupid and ridiculous to think they could do it together sitting in a car at the train station. "A bunch of people I thought I needed to talk to because I couldn't talk to you. I...I'm here. I'm not going home for Christmas because I'm moving here. I, um...I got accepted for spring semester at Pace. My other application just had some problems and was too late to work them out and...that's why I didn't get in the first time. I just needed to tell you and I don't know why."
He licked his lips. "There's nothing I can do about what my dad went through. And it turns out, I mean one of the thousands of things I was wrong about is that I don't need to. I still want that future with you, Rachel. I never lied about that part. It's just that all this stuff needs to...I needed to...I don't even know. It was just like last spring, though, I mean I got the letter about my Dad and the letter from Pace in the same week and it was different this time; not just 'cause I got into school but because you weren't there to tell. I don't expect anything from you. I don't really have the right to since I gave it up and all. I didn't want to blindside you again and run into you like at Kurt's or something, though. I came to tell you I'm here."
She held her breath as she listened intently to every word that fell from his lips and was flooded with a myriad of conflicting emotions. He was here, in New York and on one hand she was ecstatic and on the other, she was petrified. What did that mean for them? He claimed he wanted a future with her, but she had heard that before and look where it had gotten her. However, she knew what he meant. When she had gotten the lead in the freshman workshop the first person she had wanted to tell was him and he wasn't there. The victory while impressive felt empty...like it was happening to someone else because the one person she needed to share it with wasn't there. She inhaled sharply and offered him a tentative smile. "I always knew you'd get in. I mean; I always knew you could accomplish anything you set your mind to." She licked her lips and took a few tentative steps towards him. "I - I am sorry about your Dad. I know how much you wanted that to be resolved, but am glad you are moving forward and attempting to make a life for yourself." She wanted to hug him like she used to whenever there was tension, but she just couldn't bring herself to touch him as she was afraid she'd not be able to let go and she was a different person now. She was more guarded and cautious. She didn't trust him with her heart anymore.
He nodded and scuffed his shoe on the smooth floor. He finally had to do something about the stupid water on his cheeks, so he reached up to impatiently swipe it away with his fingertips as fast he he could. "Yeah, um, thank you." He licked his lips, but his eyes were basically the only thing actually hydrated on him; his throat, his tongue, his mouth... it was all dried out. He remembered her saying metaphors are important and he just... he shook it off. "And the Dad stuff is basically whatever. I can't do anything about it and I have to get right with that, with what...well, what I hope I won't turn into I guess. And the first step is setting stuff up here instead of going back to Lima now that I'm done with that."
She was always waiting for the shoe to drop, but had also learned how to function on her own again (well thanks to Kurt and his constant prodding). She didn't need him anymore. She could be her own person; just as he wanted. However, it didn't stop that yearning in her heart. She loved him and always would. She just had absolutely no idea where to go from here. "You won't; turn into what your dad became. I mean, that thought never occurred to me. You...you were always so good and strong. I am not going home either. I - didn't want to be reminded of you and well..."she trailed off looking down at her hands; twisting her ring on her finger, before looking up at him with another tearful smile, "But you are here, so..."she licked her lips again, her throat so dry she felt as though she had been walking in the hot desert sun for days; she suddenly felt as though she was suffocating in the memory of what was once them.
"Yeah, here I am," he breathed. He raised an eyebrow when her motion drew his eyes to the small engagement ring still gracing her finger and he knew she could hear him breathe in when he saw it. He was happy it was still there, but he couldn't tell her that. And no, he really didn't know what any of that meant. As always, though, she saved him. Or she tried to; this time he thought he'd let her and he just stayed stock-still, listening.
"...I couldn't take it off." She laughed (it was either that or cry again), "...I tried wearing it on my other hand and even on a necklace, but it always ended back up on my ring finger. Kurt said it was unhealthy, but...did...I mean do you want it back? I just - as pathetic as it sounds on some level, I hoped you'd come back and...and we can't go back to the way things were. I know that, but...it would be nice to see you I guess. Maybe get coffee or something?" She said shakily as she walked towards the door; she needed time to think and having him standing there was so overwhelming that it made her head spin and her heart race. He gave her butterflies and made her question everything. She just needed time to reconcile everything he had said with what had actually happened.
He somehow just knew she didn't mean right now with her offer and he didn't comment or anything but tried to breathe. Breathing, walking... they were simple processes. It was about all he could honestly handle at the moment; he wasn't sure how he was gonna make it back to the temporary room he was staying in, some special at the school now that the dorms were vacated for winter break. "Yeah, I'd like that... I mean, maybe next week or something?"
"My number is the same and you obviously know where I live. We...we can just take things one day at a time..."she tilted her head to the side and eyed him curiously, "...if that is what you want."
He had changed since the train station; he was sure it was obvious to even her. He'd been learning about his dad, learning about the world and the way it changes people and what happens when you grow up, and... well, he just wasn't the same. He didn't think the world would just hand him what he wanted or needed. He knew he had to go out and take it. There were some things he just had to force, and right now he was gonna force himself to slow the hell down when it came to this girl because they had a long way to go. They also had time to get there. For once there was no rush. It didn't stop the reply from coming out all self-deprecating or whatever. With a not-a-laugh for good measure.
"Since when have I ever actually known what that is?" He asked her, but he tried to smile and back down a little. That wasn't really a fair question to ask her and he knew it. He had avoided touching her or anything else like that while he stood there watching her cry and hold herself together, but now he reached his hand out to give her arm a squeeze. Her arm felt so good underneath his hand that he pulled away almost as fast as he'd reached out. "But I'd like that. All we can do is try, right?"
She sighed sadly at his reply. He was always so hard on himself and once upon a time it was her job or at least she felt as though it was her job to prop him up; it wasn't anymore. Maybe one day it would be again, but for now they were in a strange sort of in between and truthfully they were probably going to need to start at the beginning in some respects. He had changed; that much was apparent, but so had she and he was going to have to see if the new Rachel was someone he wanted. He had changed her in wonderful ways and in ways that she wished he hadn't. He had shown her an indescribable love (something people could only dream of) yet he had also shown her what it was like to be broken. She didn't blame him anymore, so that was a positive step and they had time to figure out the rest. She licked her lips, tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and sucked in a ragged breath when he placed his hand on her arm. The touch was so familiar yet foreign and she nearly burst out into tears when he pulled away.
"Yea, I suppose that is all we can really do at this point." She replied; her voice a little strained and hoarse from crying. "I...it was really good to see you, "she added as her hand came in contact with the door knob, "I do not have any plans during the break, so just call or text me." She knew she was pushing things; that part of her hadn't changed. If anything she had gotten even more ambitious since he left as all she had left was NYADA and Broadway and apparently it still extended into her personal life.
"Oh and just so you know..."she paused and looked up at him, a small smile tugging at the corner of her lips that he responded to in kind, "...I really am just a phone call away...if you ever want to just...talk." She shrugged a little and turned the knob while he nodded his agreement. It wasn't like before; it never would be, but at least...well, there was a little bit of hope; a feeling she thought didn't really exist for them anymore and that would have to be enough for now.
Thank you for reading!