As usual, I get into the idea of writing within a fandom via angst and fluff and entirely too much introspection.
I have a lot of Ginoza feelings and think about the past too much. Enjoy!
Part 1 of the Broken Promises series.
Ginoza had been ignoring the prompts for days. Organised as he was, his at-home AI was meticulously programmed. Having something else worry about his schedule meant more time devoted to work and less distractions. Naturally, it had noticed when he'd come home late. Or not at all. Sibyl's recommendations called for more restful sleep and supplements to preserve a healthy Hue.
"Thanks, but no thanks.." A tap of a finger closed the pop-up that had appeared in the middle of Ginoza's screen and he pressed on with his work with his usual rigid efficiency. With the Division's manpower cut down by two, there were plenty of unfinished tasks left to go around. Recommendations called for sleep but with sleep came dreams that bordered too close to nightmares for comfort, like his mind was seizing the opportunity of a lowered guard to let his imagination run wild. It was a dangerous trait in an Inspector. The numbing monotony of clerical work was like a sanctuary. It was a backwards, roundabout way of minding his Psycho Pass, but Ginoza's life had revolved around avoidance and the careful control of his experience for a long time.
The room was silent save for the mechanical hum of the computers and the climate control. Absorbed as Ginoza was in his work, the unexpected sound of the door opening at the far end of the room startled him. No one else was due to be in for hours. He leaned over to peer past the row of computers blocking his view and felt his curious confusion dry up and turn into a bitter irritation. As Ginoza's eyes adjusted to the dim of the room beyond his terminal, he could only make out the silhouette of the person who had come in at first, but what a familiar shape that was. The messy hair and open-collared shirt suggested a lack of concern for appearance but the lines of the suit tailored to compliment the man's muscular build said otherwise. Ginoza slid his glasses higher up his nose and wore the glow from the monitor the lenses reflected as a mask.
"You look surprised to see me, Gino. Didn't you get the memo?" Kougami moved closer, stepping more into the light. He didn't look any different, Ginoza noted, but he wasn't certain what he was expecting either. Perhaps that Kougami might look a little worse for wear after everything; he certainly had by the time he was pulled off the case and sent away. But that was gone now and he looked like he'd stepped right out of any other day back then.
Ginoza straightened and folded his hands in front of him, staring at his partner with the same calm intensity he used in an interrogation. Former partner. He looked confident, even if he didn't feel it, surrounded by his carefully erected walls. "Received and acknowledged a few days ago, actually. You're not supposed to be here."
Kougami's confident expression wavered for only a moment, a movement so subtle anyone else probably wouldn't have noticed. Ginoza had known the man since their high school days, of course, and little escaped his careful observation. His words had cut and knowing that fact was oddly reassuring.
"Yeah, well.. You know how it is. Sleep doesn't always come easy.."
"That doesn't explain why you're here. Shouldn't you be off somewhere.. hitting something, perhaps?"
Kougami reached out and grabbed a chair, bringing it around to sit on backwards. "Actually.. I suspected I'd find you here. How long has it been since you've gotten a proper night's sleep, Gino?"
"We aren't partners anymore, Enforcer. You should learn now to address me with respect," he snapped, feeling his anger beginning to boil up. How could Kougami be so casual? To make matters worse, he was acting concerned, as if he actually cared about Ginoza's feelings. That might have mattered months earlier. Now? Now it was just infuriating.
"Oh, come on," Kougami chuckled. "Are we really going to do this? I go away for a few months and you act like we're strangers.."
"We might as well be. I thought I knew you, but clearly I was wrong. The Kougami I knew wasn't a latent criminal.."
"Ah. So that's how it is, is it? After everything we've been through.." Kougami nodded, drawing the words out for dramatic effect. It didn't sit well with Ginoza, which was likely the point.
"Don't.." Ginoza warned, lowering his chin so that he stared at the Enforcer over the top of his glasses. "Don't start with that. Don't act like I'm punishing you.."
"What are you saying? Am I punishing you then, somehow? How do you figure?"
Ginoza studied Kougami in silence for a few seconds. If he was joking it was in poor taste. But it seemed that he really had no idea what the issue was and that was worse. That meant he'd never thought about any of it, not once, while he'd been away. He'd clearly never spared a thought to how Ginoza might have felt about the whole thing. He was given to being serious and by the book but it didn't mean he had no feelings at all. Apparently that was how Kougami thought of him despite their history or else he might have considered, even for a moment, what it might have done to him to know his friend and partner had been so affected by what he'd experienced that his Hue had clouded so drastically. With a sigh, Ginoza sat back in his seat and removed his glasses to clean them. "You've a real talent for detective work, you know that? I lost track of how many cases you managed to solve with that intuition of yours.." He paused to shift the long strands of hair out of the way as he replaced the glasses. "You're so damn observant and yet you fail to see what's right in front of you.."
He felt Kougami's eyes upon him as he stood up and pulled his jacket from where it had been hanging over the back of his seat. His work could wait until the next day; Ginoza needed to get out of there before things got to be unbearable.
"I'll ask again.. What are you saying? You're obviously not talking about a case.."
"No. No, I'm not. Maybe you ought to take this time to think it over. Look outside yourself for once.."
Kougami's chair rolled forward as he stood up abruptly, barring Ginoza's path as he tried to get by to leave. "'Look outside myself'? Really? How many times have I gone out of my way to pull your ass out of the fire, huh? And you have the nerve to tell me I'm the selfish one?"
"I never betrayed you.." Ginoza's voice was ice cold and his expression hardened. "I never left you alone. I never looked through you like you were invisible. You knew and you still let it happen. Even when I was right there the whole time, warning you. Trying to stop you. Trying to protect you from yourself. But it's too late now. I'm tired.." The words trailed off and he was silent, gaze fixed on the far wall beyond Kougami's shoulder. Considering how easily the words had tumbled out of him a moment ago he had nothing now. He could barely breathe for how tight his chest felt, like someone had his heart in a vice. After the seconds ticked by and Kougami seemed to have nothing to say in his defence, Ginoza grew sick of waiting and shouldered his way past with every intention of leaving.
It was irritating, knowing he could still be so childish and petty. What had he been hoping to accomplish with those weak, school girl tactics? Ginoza might have laughed at his own stupidity if he hadn't been fighting off every other tangled emotion right then. He was a mess and honestly he was surprised his own Hue hadn't already clouded over all of it.
Maybe Ginoza was just used to being betrayed and ignored and left behind.
He had taken a few steps toward the door when he felt a strong hand grasp his arm firmly and pull, the suddenness of it nearly throwing him off-balance entirely. How dare he!
"Get your hands off me, Enforcer," Ginoza warned, already reaching with his other hand to pry Kougami's grasping fingers off of him.
"Will you stop that? Stop talking to me like I'm your dog and not your best friend.." Despite Ginoza's attempts to free himself, the Enforcer's grip only tightened. If this was a preview of their future working relationship, it was going to be a hell of a time. Kougami was entirely too headstrong and stubborn and entirely too familiar with Ginoza to ever fall in line. Maybe accepting his former partner's assignment to his Division had been a mistake on Ginoza's part and they would have been better off elsewhere.
At the same time, he had a good idea that one day Kougami would need his help. Given time, he'd find himself in hot water and there was no Inspector more likely to pull him out.
"If you were my dog I'd speak to you much more kindly.."
Kougami let out a bitter chuckle. "Of course you would-.."
"Dogs are loyal."
The Enforcer froze, still but for the fire in his eyes. Ginoza stared back unflinching, confident in his position. He'd already bared enough and gotten nothing in return but humiliation. He wasn't backing down now.
"You're a real bastard, you know that?"
"You're one to talk.."
Ginoza saw Kougami move but it was so quick he didn't realise the other man had grabbed him until he was face to face with him, hot breath on his lips. Kougami smelled like mint and cigarettes, just like he always had. The thought sent a shudder down his spine he knew he needed to ignore right now.
"I never betrayed you, Gino. Never. I did my job, that's it. And I failed. I failed you.. I failed the whole Division. I let Sasayama get killed on my watch. My responsibility.." Kougami had fistfuls of his shirt in both hands and seemed to be trying his hardest to resist shaking him, though Ginoza had felt the emotion behind each word anyway.
"I know. And he was everything, wasn't he? He was so much that you were happy to follow him right down into the mud.."
"Damn. I knew you were ice cold, Ginoza, but not like this. You know as well as I do what they put him through before the end. He felt everything. He was just trying to do his job and some maniac tortured him to death. And you?" Kougami's voice grew louder and more forceful as he went on, perhaps because of the unflinching expression Ginoza regarded him with. "You sat here feeling sorry for yourself. And now you have the gall to be jealous? I don't care what you think of us, but we're people, Gino. We are people . A human being died and this is how you react?"
"'Us'?" Now his hands were grasping Kougami's wrists, trying to push the Enforcer away, jacket discarded on the floor now. It didn't matter anymore; he just wanted to be away from him. "You accept it that easily, do you? Did you even try to get better? Or did you just wallow in it until it was too late, thinking your penance would be throwing your life away? He was my responsibility too, Kougami. Maybe I wasn't as close to him as you were — you and I both know how much he enjoyed deliberately getting under my skin — but it affected me too.."
"Not enough. Not like it should have.." Kougami released him and shoved him back, collapsing onto the chair he'd leapt out of earlier with an exasperated sigh.
"And how is that? If I'd joined you in the rehabilitation centre would it have been the appropriate response? I'm an Inspector, Kougami. We aren't supposed to get emotionally invested.."
Kougami folded his arms and shook his head. "I don't know how you do it, Gino. I honestly don't.."
Neither do I..
"I do it because I have to. Because this is my path and I have to stay on it no matter what. Even if it means I'm always walking it alone.." Reading between the lines, the true meaning of his words were clear. Ginoza was referring to his father. That was why he'd grown his hair and wore those glasses and changed his name, trying so hard to erase those parts of himself that connected him to Masaoka. He'd shouldered the burden that was having a latent criminal for a parent for a long time. He had made that vow that he would never fall like his father did. Lived according to the belief that the more he denied any relation to the man that it would prevent his Hue from ever clouding. The fact that he had brought Masaoka up at all, even indirectly, was significant where Kougami was concerned.
"So when you say I betrayed you-.."
"You left me too. For that side. I trusted you.. you knew what it meant.."
"Gino.."
"It's fine," Ginoza said sharply, cutting Kougami off. "I've made my peace. I had three whole months to come to terms with that.."
"How do you figure? I find you here in the middle of the night. I know you. I've known you a really long time, you realise? I'm well aware what it means when Ginoza stays up well past his bedtime.."
Ginoza scowled and narrowed his eyes as he stared down at Kougami again. "Are you done? I did say I was tired and you sitting here needling me isn't helping.."
"Come here first..? I haven't seen you in months and the last thing I want is to know you went home angry.."
"If you'd thought about that before then maybe neither of us would be in this situation right now. I went home angry more often than not while you were the one still sitting here, burning the midnight oil. Ignoring me when I'd tell you to go get some sleep and take care of yourself before you lived to regret it.." It was an odd sort of role reversal. Kougami had always been the one to dote on Ginoza. At first, it had made him feel good to be able to finally do that for Kougami. That was until he realised his concerns were falling on deaf ears. Kougami saw and heard nothing and no one but him.
"Fine. Point taken. Lesson learned. I'm an idiot." Kougami threw his hands up in frustration before he shifted his weight in the seat, reaching into a pocket to pull out his crumpled pack of cigarettes. "Satisfied?" He tapped it against his hand a few times before he drew one of the cigarettes out and held it between his lips, patting himself down in search of his lighter.
"No. You're also a cruel, self-centred asshole intent on smoking yourself into an early grave.." Ginoza closed the gap between them swiftly and snatched up the unlit cigarette, earning the sort of scathing look he probably deserved for coming between the man and his nicotine fix. "You know, they've invented better ways.."
"Me? Vaping? Nah, not for me. It's like the difference between an e-book and a real book. There's something about the smell and the feel of an actual, physical book that makes the experience more pleasurable.."
"So.. What you're saying is that you're a hipster?"
Kougami raised a brow, letting out a bark of laughter. "I'm surprised you even know what a hipster is."
"I do have access to the Net. Just like everyone else. You learn things.." He brought the cigarette up to smell it and made a face. Whatever the appeal was, it was lost on him. "Besides, paperbacks don't kill people."
"Maybe not, but have you ever seen one of those coffee table books? You could probably kill someone with one of those.. if one were so inclined.." Kougami rose from his seat again, reaching over to reclaim his stolen cigarette. As he went to take it, Ginoza lifted his hand above his head. Kougami gave him the oddest look in return; it just didn't seem like a Ginoza move.
"Thinking like a real latent criminal already, are you?"
"You know I have more, right? And what's with the keep-away anyway? Shouldn't my premature death make you happy? One less burden for you to worry about.."
Ginoza lowered his hand slowly and seemed to deflate as he stood before Kougami, looking away. "Why would you even say that? I can't figure out if you're fucking with me or you're really that stupid.."
"Let me see.." Crossing his arms over his chest, Kougami tilted his head back and raised his eyes toward the ceiling. "You've been in a foul mood since the moment I walked in here? You quit working on whatever you're doing which, knowing you, will probably bother you in the morning. It seems like if I wasn't around agitating you, you would be better off.."
"That doesn't mean I would want you dead! I just want you to get a clue!" Now their positions were a reverse of how they were only a few minutes ago, Ginoza's hands grasping at Kougami's lapels, the now forgotten cigarette tossed aside much like his jacket had been. He hated the way his hands were trembling, making his grip feel uncertain and weak. It was a recurring theme and always had been. Despite Kougami's downfall he seemed almost stronger than ever and more self-assured than he had been before. Meanwhile, Ginoza's Hue remained clear but he felt so fragile, like he might shatter into pieces anyway if pushed too far. He had always been the weaker of the two of them — physically or otherwise — but he had never resented that strength. Ginoza admired it and took comfort in the knowledge that no matter what he could rely on it.
Or so he'd thought.
The feel of Kougami's hands settling atop his startled him out of his thoughts. It was surprisingly gentle, a reassurance rather than an attempt to pry his fingers loose. Ginoza let go, shaking his head. Kougami didn't.
"Let me go.." He said, his voice cracking uncomfortably as he said the words. Why did that small gesture of kindness hurt so much? He was exhausted trying to keep up with his own ups and downs.
"Is that what you really want?" Kougami asked softly.
"N-no. No.. I've never wanted you to let go. All I wanted was for you to stay, but you didn't. You couldn't see me. You were a brilliant Inspector, Kougami. Better than I'll ever be. Probably because you could see everything else.. and all I ever saw was you.." Ginoza's voice had dropped to a shaky whisper. That admission was likely to haunt him for the rest of his life, if his track record so far was any indication.
"Gino.."
"Look, I really don't have it in me to keep this going any longer. Just let me go and forget like this night even happened and keep things strictly profess-.."
"Nobuchika! Shut the hell up for two seconds!"
Ginoza's eyes widened and he went still, startled at the use of his given name, so much so that even when Kougami let go of his hands he didn't drop them to his sides. That was just as well as his long fingers grasped almost desperately at Kougami's jacket again when the other man pulled him close and kissed him. It would be a lie to say he hadn't imagined this moment more than a few times in the years since Kougami had come into his life but his imagination, however vivid, could have never done the real thing justice. At first, it was softer and gentler than he ever imagined Kougami could be, not out of fear for Ginoza's reaction but out of care. He might have taken comfort in that and let all of his bitterness fade away, but this was real life and satisfaction was apparently not in Ginoza's nature. If Kougami was capable of that, why had he made him go along so long thinking he didn't care at all?!
He could feel the curve of Kougami's lips as the other man smiled in their kiss, responding to Ginoza's forcefulness as he quit simply being a passive participant and deepened it. Kougami was humouring him, but Ginoza wasn't the experienced one here ultimately. He fumbled where Kougami was sure and he was certainly willing to give Ginoza his best. Any remaining resistance crumbled and he felt like he was melting, finally truly giving in with a sigh that escaped him as a contented moan. How much of his thoughts and his dreams and his fantasies had been consumed by Kougami? How long had he insisted upon lying to himself that his heart was still his to give to anyone else? Kougami had been in possession of it, unaware, for as long as Ginoza could remember.
They only parted when they were both breathless and despite being the taller one, Ginoza found himself leaning against Kougami a bit. "You used my name. You've never used my name.."
"I know.. I knew it would shock you. Worked, didn't it? Are you complaining..?" There was that familiar smirk again, now so much easier for Ginoza to stomach. He let go of Kougami's jacket slowly, trying to smooth the material out with his hands before he took a step back. He would also be lying to say he hadn't also thought of other things beyond what kissing Kougami might feel like, but he knew that neither of them were ready to go down that road. Not yet.
"Just don't get used to it.." Ginoza said, straightening his glasses and his tie.
Kougami laughed and pulled a fresh cigarette from the pack, taking a deliberate step back this time before Ginoza could think to steal another. This time he located his lighter on the first try and after lighting it, he took a long drag before he turned his head aside to breathe out the long stream of smoke. "So what you're saying is that you don't mind it?"
"No, what I said was 'don't get used to it'. How exactly did you pull that I wouldn't mind out of that?"
"Because that implies that you wouldn't object to it being a once in awhile thing. In private. It would just be.. our thing." Kougami shifted over to one of the desks and flicked a bit of ash into one of the ashtrays.
"I thought we already had a 'thing'? I let you get away with one nickname.."
"Oh?" Ginoza scowled as Kougami flashed that confident grin of his. "I'm getting away with it now? I thought I was to strictly refer to you only by your designated rank, Inspector?"
Snatching up the jacket he'd dropped on the ground earlier, Ginoza folded it over his arm and once again did the once over to make sure all was in its proper place. Shaking his head a little so that his hair would fall just so, brushing a hand over his shirt to remove any evidence that a pair of hands had grabbed it earlier. Ridding himself of any incriminating 'evidence'. "You're annoying. I am tired, so I am going home to go to bed-.."
"Alone?"
Ginoza looked momentarily surprised and turned his head but it wasn't enough to entirely hide the blush that was blooming on his pale cheeks. "Yes. Alone. I suggest you do the same. You've an early shift tomorrow, don't you? There's a lot of work to be done here.." Ginoza paused and it made Kougami study him a bit as he took another drag from the cigarette.
"You've been away for three months. A lot has changed and there's a lot to catch up on.." Ginoza pivoted on his heel neatly and turned towards the door. "… I'm going to really need you here."
Ginoza couldn't see it but those words made Kougami smile happily. He wasn't naive enough to think all their issues had been solved by one kiss. Even if it was a very good kiss. There was going to be a lot more to wade through before either of them felt comfortable with the way things were. But it was a start.
"And here I will be. You'll always know where to find me.."
Ginoza nodded and his shoulders slumped a little. Relief, perhaps? He'd been carrying the burden of everything alone for so long, it was refreshing to finally have it out in the open at last. It was comforting to know Kougami would not just be there, but be there for him. Maybe everything would be okay after all..
"See you tomorrow, Kougami.."
"Night, Gino.." Kougami watched the other man leave, the door opening and then closing behind him with the hiss of the mechanism. Leaving him alone in that relative silence. He sat down in his chair again, leaning his head back to stare up at the ceiling as he took his time and finished his cigarette. Letting his thoughts wander where they may in the familiar near-quiet of the office. He felt relieved and.. almost excited for what the next day would bring. And the next after that. But at the same time Kougami couldn't quite put his finger on why he still felt uneasy. Like those last words he'd said to Ginoza before their farewells had sounded hollow to his ears somehow.
"It's just a little paranoia after everything.." He chuckled to himself darkly. "Sitting here, talking to myself..? Maybe I really am a head case.." Reaching over, he snuffed out the cigarette butt in the tray and stood up, heading for the door. Ginoza was right: there was probably something he could be hitting right about now. There was no better way to clear his head than sparring with the combat AI.
He was surely just overreacting. Things couldn't get any worse, now that his life on the outside was officially over. He would stay here and be the PSB's newest hunting dog. He could take care of Ginoza when Ginoza failed to take care of himself, just like he used to. Kougami would be there to watch his back again — something that had been a source of anxiety while he'd been in confinement — and that was good. They were growing closer. Much closer. He would be there because Ginoza needed him and nothing would ever be more important than that again..
There was no way that Kougami could tell what the future would hold or how circumstances might twist his promises into lies.