I do not own X-Files. It is copyrighted by Chris Carter. However, everyone except for the normal people found in X-Files are real people (except for Hallie.) and are owned by themselves.
Cast:
M. = Mulder S. = Scully SJ. = Scully-chan/Casey SC. = Sab-chan/Margaret/Sabine/Lambert
H. = Holly E. = Elizabeth SM. = Scully's Mom F. = Fernando
B. = Bouncy T. = Tounds MJV. = Mrs. JoeVonson (secretary)
L. = Langly BY. = Byers FR. = Frohike CO. = Cooper
CU. = Curtis (non-speaking part) HA. = Hallie (non-speaking part)
ACT I
Scene I
(enter a large city in Mississippi. on the left is a big brick building with a sign on the right that says "Meridian High School." A car enters the parking lot and parks. From stage left a car enters the parking lot and parks. From the car, exit FBI agents Mulder and Scully)
M: Well, the brochure didn't do this place justice. (joking) What's wrong, my special g-woman? This place doesn't fill your appetite for learning?
S: It's not that. It's just that I feel guilty about leaving Hallie for four days with Mom.
M: Well, honey, she's almost a year old. She's gonna have to miss us sooner or later.
S: I know. Sometimes I think my g-man is too good to me.
M: That's a crock of bullshit and you know it. Besides, I'll never be too good to you. (kisses her hand)
S: (playfully snatching her hand away) No, no, no. As Laura Holt says, "You should never mix business with pleasure."
M: (grabbing a hold of her hand) Come on. Let's get this show on the road.
S: Mulder, why are we here in the first place?
M: We are here because of this. (hands her a picture of a blonde-headed girl who looks like she's levitating and running at the same time.)
S: Where'd you get this from?
M: A website called "Sabine's DBZ Fan Fiction." It's a really good website. There are at least five cohorts on the thing. There is even a story written by Scully-chan. (Scully gives him a strange look) Get this--it's a cross between "The X-Files," "Remington Steele," and the "Nutcracker Suite."
(from the side, Zer-chan, Sab-chan, and Scully-chan are screaming, "You hear that? We're famous!" and start doing the X-warp.)
S: Do you hear music?
M: (cringes) No, I don't hear anything. Anyway, back to what I was saying. This website has stories and other things and I came across this picture. So I traced the webmaster to here.
S: Mulder, we flew from D.C. to here just for that? (points to picture)
M: Yes, that's why we are here.
(enters the office through glass doors. they are greeted by Mrs. JoeVonson.)
MJV: May I help you?
S: Hi, we're agents Dana Scully and Fox Mulder with the FBI. We're here to see the principle, Mr. Tounds.
MJV: Yes. He's been expecting you. (gets up) This way, please.
(they are shown to the principle's office)
T: Well, morning agents. I'm Mr. James Tounds, the principle of Meridian High. And you are...? (extends his hand to both of them)
S: Agent Dana Scully
M: Agent Fox Mulder
T: Take a seat, please. (agents sit down) What can I do for you?
M: We need information on this girl. (hands him the photo)
T: Oh, that's Holly Massey. She's a sophomore here. Great drawing talent. A little strange, though. What has she done?
M: Nothing. We just need to ask her a couple of questions concerning strange activity that's been around here.
T: Strange activity?
M: Let's just say, "Twilight Zone" strange.
Scene II
(enter two girls in the hallway)
SJ: Did you hear that the feds were here?
SC: Yeah, I heard! They were looking for strange behavior around here.
SJ: Wait a minute. Strange behavior? Isn't there enough of that already here?
SC: Yeah, but there's a lot more strange things between you, me, and Holly than the rest of the school combined! (laughs)
SC & SJ: (together) "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, God said 'Let there be lips!' And they were, and they were good." (laugh)
(as the girls exit, agents Mulder and Scully enter the hallway)
M: Well, I suggest we find this Holly girl and ask her some questions.
S: Well, I'm going to talk to some of her friends and see what I can get out of them.
M: Okay. I'll meet up with you later. (touches small of her back as she grins)
(Mulder exits as Scully goes to search for the girl's pals)
S: (walking toward Bouncy) Excuse me, Mr. Bouncy. I was wondering where I could find Casey Newell.
B: She should be at lunch now. She usually eats on the sidewalk outside the courtyard.
S: Thank you. (pulls out cell phone and dials number.) Hey, it's me. What are you doing now?
M: I'm having no luck finding out little levitator.
S: My guess is she's at lunch now with her little group. Meet me at the courtyard in five minutes.
Scene III
(Agents enter courtyard. They spot a group of girls on the sidewalk. Elizabeth, a blonde-haired chick with pink and purple streaks in the front of her hair, is standing around doing nothing while a brunette named Margaret is ogling a picture of a green anime character. Holly is twirling around. The agents' attention suddenly comes on a brunette with shoulder length hair. She is wearing a baby-tee with what looks like the agents kissing and has red letters spelling out "Shippers Rule!")
SJ: Hey, Sabine, how's this for an idea? The Lone Gunmen go no MTV's "Fear."
SC: Oh my God. No, let me guess. Frohike would be on his dare and pisses in his pants?
(both laugh as Holly stops twirling for a while and starts poking Elizabeth)
E: Oh, I feel so loved right now.
H: You must! It is your lame-ass destiny!
SJ: Hey, Holly. I hear some feds are looking for you.
H: I haven't done anything. I think.
E: I heard they're looking for strange behavior.
SC: Well, come and take us, you damn feds!
(all laugh until Scully-chan looks up from her unfinished story and sees the agents.)
SJ: Um, guys? Would you believe me if I told you that those feds were coming this way and both look extremely like Agents Mulder and Scully?
H: I say you're nuts, you "X-Files" obsessed freak.
(agents approach)
S: Mulder, did you see that kid's shirt?
M: It's probably from that movie about us.
(approach girls)
SJ: Guys, you would have to see this to believe it.
(the girls look in amazement as agents approach them.)
M: Hi girls. I was wondering if we could talk to you for a minute.
E: About what?
S: Nothing, just about a certain photo of you (points to Holly) floating in the air.
H: Oh, that picture. Well, you may want to talk to the photographer about it.
M: Who's the photographer?
(all point to Scully-chan, who is currently speechless)
SJ: Um... may... may... may I help you?
S: Yes, did you take this photograph?
SJ: I... I sure did. (looks mean at her fellow cohorts). Thank you, guys.
All: You're welcome!
M: Can you explain how she is floating?
SJ: No, sir, I can't, but you might want to talk to Holly.
H: Let me see this... (grabs photo). I'm floating, yeah.
(Fernando then enters)
F: Hey, what the hell are they doing here?
SC: Investigating Holly.
E: And looking for strange behavior.
H: So agents, why don't you take me up to the lab, and I'll see what's on the slab. I know you shiver with antici...
SC & SJ: Say it! Consta...
H: Pation!
M: (inside his head) Make them stop with "Assistant Director!"
S: Well, come with us and we'll run some tests.
(they start to exit)
SC: Hey, Agent Mulder, is it true that you and Scully are engaged and living together?
(agents exite frightened as Sabine and Scully-chan are drooling over Mulder)
ACT II
Scene I
M: (calling Frohike) Hey, Frohike, did you put another camera in me and Scully's bedroom?
F: No, I didn't do it. Last time I did that was ya'll's six-month anniversary.
M: Remind me to kill ya for that. (hangs up)
H: (singing) In just four days I can make you an agent.
M: (cringes) So, Holly, what exactly were you doing when that picture was taken?
H: I was running from Vegeta's invisible form.
M: Dragonball Z fan?
H: No, I hate Dragonball Z. I just like to rape Vegeta.
S: (entering) Holly, that's it. You can go home now. The results should be back in two days.
Scene II
(the agents enter their hotel room at Howard Johnson's)
M: Boy, what a day!
S: Yeah, what a day. I'm gonna call Mom and see how Hal's doing.
M: I'm gonna get a shower.
S: (picks up phone) Hey Mom. How's Hallie doing?
SM: She's fine, Sweetheart. Want to talk to her.
S: Sure. Hey, Sweetie. How's Mommy's litle girl? (Hallie laughs) Daddy told me to tell you "hi" and he loves you. (Hallie laughs again) Bye, Sweetheart. Mom, I'll call tomorrow night, ok? Bye.
(Mulder sneaks up behind her and kisses her on the neck)
S: Thought you were getting a shower.
M: Well, I was hoping for some company...
S: Really? Well, I'm free.
M: Well, want to join me then, g-woman?
S: Sure, g-man.
(grabs her and heads to the bathroom)
F: Langly, where's that damn camera?
Scene III
SC: Morning, Case.
SJ: Don't "morning" me. I had the strangest dream last night. Holly was floating above the high school, sparring with Fernando.
SC: That'll teach you not to watch Dragonball Z before you go to bed.
H: Hello my fellow insaniacs. I bear pictures.
SC: Any of them from the experiments?
(Holly looks at Sab-chan with a very dirty look)
SJ: So, how were those tests yesterday?
H: They were fun. I sat there raping Furnando in my mind as they took some blood samples.
SC: That's it?
H: There were also some others that weren't really fun.
SJ: Well, I'm surprised you're her today . I thought the aliens would abduct you and put an implant in your nose which would control your insanity.
SC: Now, that would scare the hell out of me.
(bell rings)
F: Come one guys. We're gonna be late.
(accidentally runs into door)
SC: (laughs) Man, Nando! That's three days in a row that you've been pimp-slapped by the door!
Scene IV
(agents hotel room. Scully wakes up as Mulder is pretending he's asleep.)
S: Wake up sleepy-head! (Mulder grins) Come on, Mulder, get up. You spooky, lazy g-man.
(pins her down)
M: Who you calling lazy? (kisses her)
S: Get offa me. Come on, we're gonna be late.
M: Late for what?
S: Our meeting with Holly's friends.
M: Oh, that.
(the agents get ready and drive to the school. enter Sab-chan and Scully-chan for lunch)
SJ: Hey, here's that story I typed up for ya. It's the one where Mulder and Scully first get married.
SC: I so happy! So, what are the Lone Gunmen wearing at the wedding.
SJ: Langly has got one of those tux shirts on, while Frohike is wearing a powder blue seventies tux with ruffles and flairs. Byers is in a regular tuxedo, looking fantastic.
SC: There's Holly and Wizbef.
H: Hello, my insane cohorts. Anybody got any chocolatey goodness?
E: It smells like goat ass out here...
H: It always smells like goat ass out here, Goat Whore.
(all laugh)
E: Hey, here're those feds again.
(enter Mulder and Scully)
S: Hey Holly, hope those tests weren't too hard you.
H: They weren't.
M: Hey, Lambert. I read your Lone Gunmen story. It was quite good. And Casey, I read your X-Rocky Horror story. Quite...funny. (cringes)
SJ: Oh, Lambert was the co-author of that. Lesson learned: never let two teenagers who are bored on an afternoon get together with Rocky Horror lyrics.
E: Here Agent Mulder. Have a goat ass flower. (hands him a flower) They stink like a goat's ass. I think you two should investigate the sewage system around here.
(Cooper enters)
CO: You should investigate the cafeteria, too. Want a green hamburger? (holds out green burger to Mulder)
S: Maybe later. We just wanted to see how Holly was.
(Mulder looks at Cooper's burger in both confusion and disgust)
(agents leave)
H: Guys, I forgot to tell you this morning! Mulder called Scully out of the room. I saw him grab her and kiss her on the neck. It made me so happy that I started to rape Vegeta again.
SJ: You would, wouldn't you?
E: Well, let's eat. I'm starving.
(girls and Cooper sit down to eat. Cooper, not thinking, takes a big bite of the burger. he turns green and throws up behind a tree)
ACT III
Scene I
(the agents are in their hotel room. Mulder is on the bed fooling with his laptop when Scully sneaks up behind him.)
S: What are you doing?
M: Nothing, just reading a story.
S: Well, I'm fixing to pick up those test results.
M: Okay. (pulls her towards him) I'm fixing to go to bed. Night, g-woman. (kisses her)
S: Night, g-man.
(Scully leaves for test results as Mulder starts e-mailing her something. She returns thirty minutes later, test results in hand. She notices Mulder is asleep, his laptop off.)
S: (softly) You couldn't wait up for me, could you sleepy head? (kisses him on the cheek. She gets ready for bed and then climbs into her side of the bed as a sleeping Mulder puts his arm around her waist.) Guess not... (Mulder awakens and pulls her closer to him.)
M: Night, g-woman.
S: Night, g-man.
(the two fall asleep)
Scene II
(Scully-chan's house where she is online talking to Sabine)
SJ: Hello cohort.
SC: Hello insane one. Sugar!!!
SJ: Wat the hell is wrong with you?
SC: I had sugary goodness!!!! *flail*
SJ: Oh, I see. I had those little kids tonight and I'm hungry.
SC: Hey, somebody just entered this chat. The name is G Man FBI@aol.com.
M: (typing) Hey CMNScully and SSJ Sabby Wabby.
SJ: n/a/s/l Scully-chan/16/f/MS
SC: Sab-chan/15/f/underneath a rock
M: Fox/42/m/DC
SC: Mulder? Is that you?
M: Who's this?
SC: Lambert.
SJ: And Casey. What are you doing here?
M: Well, Scully is asleep and i can't get her up because I've got a second wind.
SC: How did you find this chat room? It's private.
M: Well, Langly told me this place and I think I shoulod pay a visit to him. *cracks knuckles*
SC: No! Don't do that! I'll just rape him for you!
M: Um, okay.
SJ: So, how long have you and Scully been dating?
M: What?! HOW DID YOU FIND OUT ABOUT THAT?!?!
SC: Thanks to your buddies, the Gunmen. We saw the tape, Mulder.
M: What?
SC: The one with you and Scully.
SJ: Mulder, here's some advice. Before you guys...er...go at it, check your rooms for webcams.
M: I'm gonna kill those guys...
SC: Save Langly! I haven't raped him yet.
M: Excuse me?
SJ: You don't wanna know. How's Hallie doing?
M: Let me guess. Uncle Ringo has more than just our bedroom webcammed.
SC: Yup. You guys are really popular!
M: She's fine. She's my sweet little angel.
SJ: Oh, just wait in a few years.
M: What's that supposed to mean?
SC: You'll see. So, how many kids ya'll want?
M: I don't know. Maybe four.
SJ: Heh heh...
M: ?
SJ: Nevermind.
M: Got to go. Scully woke up and I'm in a good mood. n_n
SJ & SC: That's a lot more than we needed to know. *sweatdrop*
(leaves)
(pops back in)
M: Hey, Sab-chan, what's that address again?
SC: http://saiyanprincess.cjb.net
M: No, I have that one bookmarked already. The other one where Scully and I are.
SJ: Trying to spice up ya'll's relationship?
M: Maybe. O_o
SC: http://www.lonegunmen.gov/m&sbedroom/porn/webcam.phtml
M: Okay. Thanks. Bye
(leaves) (enter Gunmen)
L: Hey, since he's apparently in a good mood, wanna watch?
FR: Okay. Let's see what he has that I don't have.
BY: A clue. And he didn't smoke pot when he was younger.
L: How would you know?
BY: I don't think he did...
SC: *rapes Langly*
L: Ah!! The crazy, purple-haired Saiyan lady is attacking my thighs!
FR: Well, at least you're getting some...
SJ: You guys are weird. I'm leaving.
SC: Me too...
BY: Hey, Scully-chan. I wub u.
SJ: Wub u 2.
L: Awww....
SC: *pouts* What about me???
L: Don't worry, Sab! I wub u!
SC: *flail*
Scene III
(agents hotel room in the morning) (thank God!!!)
M: (trying to get Scully up) (thwaps her on the head with pillow) Come on, my little g-woman. Get up. (she groans) Well, I must have really tired you out last night. Come on, get up.
S: (yawning) Mulder, leave me the hell alone.
M: (kisses her first) Come on, my little g-woman. Besides the little group is gonna show us around Meridian. They said they were going to take us to a movie.
S: Screw the movie, Mulder. We can make our own.
M: Oh? What might this movie be rated?
S: Oh, g-man, you know?
M: Come on. They're kids. And besides, the Lone Gunmen already made that movie. I can show you the site.
S: What?
(scene ends as Scully screams)
Scene IV
(a van enters, parking outside the Temple Theatre)
E: (driving) So, Holly. Sorry you can't really levitate.
H: It sucks but at least I got to see some tonsil hockey Olympic trials! (agents blush)
M: What's playing, anyway?
SC: What do you think? The ultimate midnight movie.
M: (begging) Please say it's not...!
All cohorts (Elizabeth, Cooper, Fernando, Holly, Curtis, Christine, Casey, and Margaret): ROCKY HORROR!
M: Scully, help me! NO!!!!
SC & SJ: (singing) Let's do the X-Warp again!
The End
by: Dana Scully Mulder & Sabine Ojisama