TODD SWEENEY
A PARODY OF STEPHEN SONDHEIM'S SWEENEY TODD
CHARACTERS
TODD SWEENEY: A FORMER HAIRSTYLIST WHO COMES BACK TO NEW YORK CITY SEEKING REVENGE ON SGT. TURNIP FOR THE MURDER OF HIS WIFE AND KIDNAPPING OF HIS DAUGHTER.
MRS. HATEIT: A STRUGGLING HOT DOG VENDOR WHO SUPPOSEDLY MAKES THE WORST HOT DOG IN THE CITY. SHE LIVES & WORKS IN TODD SWEENEY'S OLD HOUSE/BARBER SHOP.
MR. TURNIP: MULTI-MILLIONAIRE WHO MURDERED TODD SWEENEY'S WIFE & NOW HAS HIS DAUGHTER.
TABBY: A YOUNG GIRL WHO HAD TRAVELED WITH A SWEDISH FISH VENDOR. LATER HELPS OUT MRS. HATEIT & TODD SWEENEY.
TONY: A TAXI DRIVER WHO FALLS IN LOVE WITH JOSIE, THE WARD OF MR. TURPIN.
JOSIE: EMO DAUGHTER OF TODD SWEENEY, IS NOW THE WARD OF MR. TURNIP. LOVES TONY, BUT IS PUSHED TO MARRY MR. TURNIP.
MR. BEADEL: A WEALTHY SOCIALITE OF WALL STREET WHO IS MR. TURNIP'S SIDEKICK.
LISA/BEGGAR WOMAN: WIFE OF TODD SWEENEY WHO WAS SUPPOSEDLY MURDERED BY JUDGE TURNIP. NOW IS A BEGGAR LIVING ON THE STREETS OF NEW YORK CITY NEAR MRS. HATEIT'S FAST FOOD RESTURANT.
SVEN: A FLAMBOYANT SWEDISH FISH VENDOR.
BODYGUARD: MR. TURNIP'S BODYGUARD. (KINDA A GIVEN)
ACT 1
SCENE 1: on a street corner, Todd Sweeney, carrying a small, beat-up suitcase, waves for a cab. A bright yellow cab that has been beat up beyond belief comes speeding up around the corner and comes to a screeching halt.
Tony: (head out window) Tony Jerimiad, at your service!
TS: Oh, great, a morning person.
Tony: Yessiree Bob!
TS: Oh joy. (gets in cab)
Tony: So, dude, where ya headed?
Todd Sweeney: 127 Fleet Ave.
Tony: (confused & interested) Ya don't say. I've heard stories 'bout that place. Isn't it haunted or somthin'?
TS: I don't think so. My aunt's second cousin's sister's grandfather's brother's granddaughter lives there.
Tony: OMG, is her name Andrea?
TS: No. (stares out the window, obviously pensive)
Tony: You're not from around here, are you, Mr…
TS: Sweeney. Todd Sweeney.
Tony: Sweeney…rings a bell…
TS: Uh…no it doesn't…it shouldn't. Hehe…um…
Tony: So, whatcha doing in the Big Apple?
TS: I don't really know. But I'm staying with my friend, Mrs. Hateit-
Tony: Oooooooooh! Don't do anything I wouldn't do! (giggles like the little girl he is)
TS: OH HELLZ NO! NOT THAT!
Tony: Oh, yeah, okay dude, whatever you say…
TS: Do you know her?
Tony: Uh, not really. But she does have a hot dog shop…
TS: Who knew? (another pause. They pull up to a small, beat up townhouse with a small sign that reads "Mrs. Hateit's Hot dog- The Best You Can Get!")
SCENE 2: Mrs. Hateit finally has a customer. Inside her shop. All sorts of bugs are all over her food and counter.
Mrs. Hateit: (seed TS, excited) Ooh, yay, a customer! (hurries to TS side) Welcome to Mrs. Hateit's Hot dog Shop, where we aim to please YOU! (may be accented with an over exaggerated pointing motion) What can I get for you today, hon?
TS: Nothing, thanks.
Mrs. H: Are you sure? (hands him a bowl of hot dog) I just made fresh hot dogs…
TS: Thanks. (eats a spoonful)
Mrs. H: …last week!
TS: No shit! It sucks!
Mrs. H: Wanna a soda or somethin'?
TS: (his voice hoarse, like he's choking) Yes…please…
Mrs. H: (goes behind counter and grabs a Styrofoam cup) Ya know, I haven't had a lot of business lately. (fills the cup with soda and sees a bug floating in it.) Oh, get outta there! (disgusted, picks bug out of cup and throws it to the floor. Stomps on it.) I really don't know what's been going on lately. (gives TS the soda) It's becomin' more expensive every day to buy meat in bulk.
TS: (sips soda) Hmm.
Mrs. H: Yeah, and that's not the best part! They're startin' to sell rotten meat at half price! Can't believe what the world's comin' to. (sees the bugs on her counter and tries to squash them with a spatula)
TS: (paying half-attention) Neither can I.
Mrs. H: It's just hard times, I guess. Want anythin' else?
TS: No, thank you. (Mrs. H, looking dismayed, tends to the near-empty cash register. The bugs continue to run amuck.) But, I would like some information.
Mrs. Hateit: (closes all of the blinds, locks the doors, and sits very close to Todd Sweeney) Sure, darlin'. Whatcha wanna know?
TS: Tell me, what exactly do they say happened on the second floor of this place.
(Mrs. H, visibly surprised, shuts the cash register & rushes over to TS)
Mrs. H: You mean, no one's ever told you? (Both sit down at a nearby booth table. Mrs. H leans in close) You're an outta-towner, aren't cha?
TS: (Thinks for a minute) Let's go with that.
Mrs. H: You need to know that this is all 100% true. People will tell you different. They'll say "Oh, that Hateit woman's just a crazy old bat. She doesn't know what she's talkin' about. She once ripped off all her clothes and dove in to the fountain and started yelling "Arrgh! I am a kraken from the sea!" They LIE! (pauses) Okay, not about the fountain thing, BUT THAT WAS ONLY ONE TIME!
TS: OMG I THAT WAS YOU!?!
Mrs. H: …No it wasn't! Back to the topic at hand
I'm not just some weirdo who makes up stories. No, I saw this one with my own two eyes. It was 15 years ago, back when I was a hot dog street vendor…
(Flashback. Mrs. H is at a hot dog stand, dressed in high 80's fashion, looking tired & bored. 127 Fleet Ave. looks brighter, cleaner, and is thriving in business. A young couple & their baby daughter were walking in a nearby park.)
Mrs. H: Benny Marker was the owner of a very much loved hair salon. His workplace was just above this restaurant. Got a nice amount of press, too. Either Michael Jackson or Jack Nicholson stopped by the one time, I think. Anyways, I remember he used to come by my stand every Tuesday (show TS at hot dog stand). Sometimes, his wife, Lisa, would stop by, too. Bless her heart, she always gave exact change! A pretty little thing, she was, too. They had a daughter, Josie, I think. Benny Marker had everything; good business, a beautiful wife and daughter, everything a man could hope for. But then…
TS: Then…
Mrs. H: That was for dramatic effect, just to mess with ya!
TS: DAMMIT! Just tell me what happens!
Mrs. H: Ok, ok. So, along comes Sgt. Turnip. He was a creeper. Never liked him much, myself. But, he…(air quotes) "fancied"…Lisa. Don't blame him, I mean, she WAS really pretty. (twirls hair around her finger, and speaks airily) Just like me. He sent her husband to some prison to get him outta the way. Depressed the hell outta Lisa. Had to take care of a kid all by herself, and, to be honest, she wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed. The Sarge would stop by every day and give her flowers or somethin'. Drove her nuts. She hated that guy. Only, he wouldn't let up. He asked her out every Friday night, without fail. Of, course, she'd decline.
Well, finally, it drove him over the edge. He got his best friend, Mr. Beadle, to convince her otherwise. He invited her to a party at the Sarge's place that night so they could talk things over and see 'bout gettin' her husband back. Of course, she went. We were neighbors at the time, so I helped her pick out an outfit and all that good stuff. She needed to look professional, but also a bit laid back. She finally decided on this pretty black dress that didn't show TOO much, but it wasn't exactly a turtleneck either. Oh, and I let her borrow my little black heels with the electric blue bows and…(sees that TS has lost interest) Sorry…where was I? Oh, yeah!
So, she goes to this party and the Sarge was nowhere to be seen, and, worse yet, she doesn't know anybody there. Yet, they kept handing her drinks. She took them, drank a little, but not a whole lot. Finally, she just sat down and waited for him.
After a while, he finally showed up. Only, he…ummm…how can I put this? He fucked her!
TS: OH GOD! You mean…he…they…did…IT!?!
Mrs. H: Yeah. He forced her to.
TS: Dammit! I just got some REALLY bad mental pictures!
Mrs. H: May I continue? (TS nods) So, she tries to get help, and no one believes her. They think she's crazy-out of grief, I guess. They laugh at her like she's some kind of freak.
TS: WTF WORLD!? Seriously, she's, like, depressed and stuff! Why'd they have to go make it worse?
Mrs. H: Ah, back so soon, (very slowly and clearly) Benny Marker.
TS: NO! DON'T CALL ME THAT! IT'S TODD SWEENEY, NOW!
Mrs. H: Don't you mean "Sweeney Todd"? Ya know, the guy who was exiled and got his revenge and all that stuff (TS doesn't react). It was turned into a musical…(TS still doesn't react)
TS: Nope, doesn't ring a bell. Anyways it's TODD SWEENEY. That "Benny Marker" guy is dead. What happened to her? Where's Lisa?
Mrs. H: She died. I'm sorry to tell you this, but it was suicide that did her in. Drank some cleaning fluid, I think. Mr. Clean can be really nasty to brain cells…
TS: What about Josie?
Mrs. H: Sarge took her. The day after he heard Lisa killed herself.
TS: Oh. No. He. Didn't. Ooh, Sarge is goin' DOWN!
Mrs. H: Dream on! How do you plan to get to him? You gotta plan this stuff out! Anyways, he's not gonna know it's you.
TS: I'll figure something out…eventually.
Mrs. H: Ok. So, in other words "Procrastinators Unite…Tomorrow!"(momentary silence) Well, I have some of Benny's things still here. You were…close to him. I think he'd want you to have 'em.
TS: What things?
Mrs. H: I'll give you a hint: they're silver, and start with an "sc" and end in "issors".
TS: (looking pleasantly surprised) So, you saved them? My…my…
Mrs. H: (Pulling a shoebox out from behind the counter) Yep, they're still here. (shoves the box towards him) Here, just like you left them.
TS: OMG! (opens box) Sweetness! I missed you guys! (hugs scissors)
Mrs. H: It might not be the smartest thing to hug a pair of scissors like that.
TS: Right. (stops hugging them) You guys rock!
Mrs. H: Ok, in the meantime, you can stay here and get back on your feet. I'll let you set up your shop and it'll be just like old times!
TS: Whatever. Just, leave me with my scissors!
Mrs. H: Ok, Mr. S. (leaves)
TS: (holding the scissors up to the sky [ok, ceiling]) At last, my fingers are complete again!
SCENE 3: Tony is walking outside beside Central Park when he sees Josie sitting out on her balcony. Beggar sits outside
Tony: (to beggar) Hey, who's that? (points to Josie)
Beggar: That, is Josie, almost-daughter of Sgt. Turnip.
Tony: Almost-daughter?
Beggar: Yeah, it's a long story. Somethin' havin' to do with drivin' the girl's mother to suicide and sendin' her father to prison. All I know is you better not mess with her. You mess with her, you mess with the Sarge, and he's got connections. I once asked her for directions, and, just for talking to her, the Sarge went ballistic. I'm talkin' super-scary, rip-your-head-off ballistic. (sees Tony's shocked face) Yeah, it wasn't pretty. If you'll excuse me, I've got a date with the soup kitchen. (leaves)
Josie: Aww, the birdies are so pretty. They can fly away whenever they want…lucky. And, I'm stuck here with the Sarge…(turns around and yells) WHO BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT ME THROUGH THAT KEYHOLE! (hear loud footsteps running away) That's better. (back to birds) I could really use a pair of wings right about now.
(Josie sees Tony, smiles, and looks as if she is about to say something when she quickly turns around to see Sgt. Turnip who is smiling at her. He leads her inside and glares at Tony before going inside himself. Tony, looking disappointed, continues walking down the street.)
SCENE 4: It is about a week later. TS has moved into the upstairs of Mrs. Hateit's.
(Mrs. H. enters, looking furious.)
Mrs. H: Ugh, I can't believe that idiot is actually back!
TS: Who?
Mrs. H: Pirelle!
TS: Huh?
Mrs. H: Alfredo Pirelle and I went to culinary school together.
TS: Hmm…Alfredo Pirelle…what an unfortunate name.
Mrs. H: I hated that stuck-up Swedish kid! Oh, he GLOATED about how he began to bake crème-brulee at age three every time I talked to the guy. It drove me nuts!
TS: Swedish, you say? What an odd name for a Swedish boy.
Mrs. H: His parents were Italian. Anyways, he got some great job in France straight out of college, and I haven't heard from him since.
TS: So?
Mrs. H: SO he sent me an e-mail saying that he's coming. Tomorrow. To see me! Oh, I never thought I'd ever have to deal with him again.
TS: Well, tell him you're busy or somethin'.
Mrs. H: No! Then he'll think I chickened out. And homie don't play that!
TS: What!?
Mrs. H: I mean that I don't do that.
TS: Well show him the hot dog shop. Maybe that'll flatten his ego a bit.
Mrs.H: Todd, this is a hot dog shop. Not exactly the five-star restaurant Pirelle's used to.
TS: But it's…*cough*…good…hot dog.
Mrs. H: Good hot dog or not, it's still not good enough. I need to crush him! I need to beat him!
TS: You're starting to scare me.
Mrs. H: I want pain!
TS: Seriously, cut it out!
Mrs. H: I want torture! (Comes closer to TS)
TS: I want my personal space!
Mrs. H: I WANT BLOOD! LOTS AND LOTS OF PRETTY SWEDISH BOY BLOOD!
TS: You need a shrink.
Mrs. H: I want his fingers to bleed!
TS: I'm getting the tranquilizer gun…
Mrs. H: I want his ears to ache at the sound of my voice!
TS: That's wonderful. Now sit still while I go call my nice psychiatrist friend. He's gonna help you.
Mrs. H: I DON'T NEED ANY HELP! ALL I NEED IS THAT LITTLE SWEDISH CRUMBCAKE OUTTA MY LIFE!
TS: What do you have against the Swedish? They're cool.
Mrs. H: Not the Swedish in general, but just that ONE drives me over the edge! I want my revenge!
TS: And you'll have it. All in due time.
Mrs. H: (whining) But I want it now! (runs over to TS and puts arms around waist) Come on, Todd Sweeney, whom I love so much. I wanna have fun, too!
TS: Please stop hugging me.
Mrs. H: No!
TS: Please?
Mrs. H: Not until you say 'yes'!
TS: I won't say it. (long pause)
Mrs. H: I'll make you an ice cream sundae! (TS shakes head) I'll let you work the drive-thru! (TS shakes head) I'll tell you where Sgt. Turnip lives so you can kill him and get your daughter back!
TS: (shocked and mad) Wait, you knew where he lived all this time and didn't tell me?
Mrs. H: Hello, MAPQUEST?
TS: Right. (thinks for a minute) Ugh…fine. You can have your revenge. Now, gimme the address!
Mrs. H: Thank you, Mr. Sweeney! It's 666 56th Street. Have fun! (kisses cheek) I think I have the perfect plan. (exits.)
(TS makes sure she's gone and, disgusted, wipes off cheek with hand. Then grabs a bottle of Lysol & sprays hand.)
SCENE 5: Out in the park. Banner says "THE ULTIMATE COOKOFF! HATEIT VS. PIRELLE." Two tables with food, ingredients, bowls, etc. Pirelle wears a well-tailored designer suit. Mrs. Hateit wears an old sundress with a flowered apron.)
Pirelle: (walking with Tobi over to Mrs. H & TS & speaks with a heavy Swedish accent) Bless-ah my heart! Millie Hateit, you look the same as you did twenty years ago!
Mrs. H: (sweet-sounding) I wish I could say the same about you.
Pirelle: Always the jokester, ah! (looks to TS) Well, who might-a this-a be?
Mrs. H: Oh, um, he just works with me. (blushes & talks faster & more nervous. Speaks quickly) Heh, w-who else would he be?
Tobi: (mumbled) Your boyfriend or somethin'?
Pirelle: YOU! (slaps him) YOU WERE TO KEEP-A QUIET, HUH? GO ON, LEAVE! (Tobi runs) Ugh, cannot stand the kids, no? Such a nuisance!
Mrs. H: You shouldn't have hit him like that!
Pirell: Why-a not? He was in-a the way.
TS: But hitting is mean!
(Mr. Beadle enters, talking on cell phone.)
Mr. Beadle: No, that simply won't do…I will NOT settle for that!...Alright, I talk to you Monday…Uh, huh…Later. (Sees TS, Mrs. H, & Pizzelle) Ah, well, what are you doing here?
Mrs. H: Just the usual. Getting revenge on an old college friend by making my hot dog better than his. And you?
Mr. B: Oh, just milling around until my conference regarding the Parkson deal. Who, am I ask, is moderating this event?
TS: Well…um…(looks at Mrs. H) Nobody yet.
Mr. B: (sarcastic) What a coincidence. Here I am, a conisseur of all types of cuisine, with absolutely no prior engagement. How funny!
Mrs. H: (to TS) Listen, we should let him in on our little competition. He's one of them uptown social-types. This could get me some great publicity! (Mr. B smiles) Think of all the hot dog!...And…(whispers) think of all the cash!
TS: Hmm…yeah…I could use a new iPod…
Mrs. H: Now we're on the same page, Mr. Sweeney! (Over to Mr. B) Mr. Beadle, we would be honored to have you judge our food.
Mr. B: Fabulous, darling. Let's get started!
(Mrs. H & Pirelle take their places at the tables)
Mr. B: Alright, you both have thirty minutes to create a completely original dish. As for rules…well…just try not to kill each other. And…you may start…NOW!
(Mrs. H. begins to feverishly chop veggies, while Pirelle leisurely organizes the ingredients.)
Pirelle: Tobi! Get-a over 'ere!
Tobi: Y-yes, sir.
Pirelle: (hands him a piece of leather) Hold-a this!
(Tobi nervously takes the leather and Pirelle begins sharpening a large knife. Tobi winces as the blade grazes his hand. Mrs. H. is over at a small stove, stirring a pot of soup. Pirelle finally finishes sharpening the knives and mixes random ingredients into a bowl)
Mr. B: Your time is up! Please turn off all ovens. (Mrs. H & Pirelle put down knives, turn off appliances, etc.) Ah, now for the fun part. Bring the food down. (Mrs. H & Pirelle each bring down a bowl.) First, we have Mrs. Hateit's…vegetable soup. (takes taste. Looks slightly disgusted) Interesting. (takes Pirelle's bowl) Now, for Alfredo Pirelle's…what is that?
Pirelle: Well, you see-ah, it was-a supposed to be-a bread, but I was-a…
Mr. B: No excuses. Well, I guess Mrs. Hateit wins, because, although terrible, she managed to actually finish her dish. (Pirelle looks sad. Mrs. H is victorious)
Mrs. H: WHAT NOW, SWEDISH BOY, WHAT NOW!? FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU!
Pirelle: Actually, I'm a Swedish-born American who is of Italian descent.
Mrs. H: Whatever!
SCENE 6: at the restaurant. Beggar woman is outside.
Mrs. H: (sing-song voice) Ooh, yeah, I won! And the little Swedish boy lost! I am so awesome!
TS: Ok, this is getting old.
Mrs. H: Yeah, but I so WON! And he so LOST!
Beggar: (from outside) How 'bout them apples? Why don't we all have a congratulatory bowl of hot dog on the house!
Mrs. H: Not even on your best day! Get off my property!
Beggar: No love for the homeless. What's this world comin' to? Whatever happened to the Corporeal Works of Mercy? Feed the hungry, visit the sick…
Mrs. H: Leave, or, soon, I'll be buryin' the dead, if you catch my drift! (Beggar leaves, grumbling inaudibly)
(Tobi & Pirelle enter. Tobi has black eye, small cuts, looks like he was in fistfight. Can walk with a limp)
Mrs. H: (sees Tobi) Oh, dear! What happened to him? (leads him to chair) You sit right there while I get the first-aid kit!
Pirelle: Eet is-a nothing. He was-a, um, walking down-a the street, um, and he-ah, well, he-ah…
TS: Tripped?
Pirelle: Ah, yes! That is-a the word. My English isn't-a that-a good.
TS: Come on, I'm no idiot! You did that to him! All I want to know is why? Why did you do that?
Pirelle: Well-ah, you see, my-ah anger boils over a bit sometimes. Like-ah any honest man, no?
TS: Well…I guess I could understand that. (Tobi's eyes grow wide) Come, while the boy is getting cleaned up, I'll show you the rest of the place. (Goes halfway upstairs) Millie, we'll only be a moment.
(upstairs. Pretty much empty. Small table with the shoebox with the scissors & such. 1 chair)
TS: It's not much, but I am starting up my old hairstyling shop again. Oh, please do sit! (Pirelle sits)
TS: (daintily picks up scissors) Ah, my old friends. Old friends sure bring back memories.
Pirelle: (American accent) Yes, they do. (TS is puzzled)
TS: Whoa, dude, what happened to the accent?
Pirelle: Did you really think I was Swedish? (TS nods) Wow. You really are as gullible as they say you are, Benny Marker. (TS's grip on the scissors tightens) Oh, did you think I believed that your name really was 'Todd Sweeney'. Hey, isn't there a musical about a Todd Sweeney?
TS: No, that was 'Sweeney Todd'. We're two totally different people.
Pirelle: Yes, I remember. He was a barber, and you're a …
TS: Hairstylist.
Pirelle: Hmm, yes. And his accomplice, Mrs. Lovett, owns a pie shop. Mrs. Hateit owns…
TS: A hot dog shop.
Pirelle: Right. And the whole murder thing and baking people into pies.
TS: Yes.
Pirelle: (uneasy) Ok, then. I gotta get going, now.
TS: Oh, please, do stay! I like having someone besides Mrs. Hateit to talk to.
Pirelle: She is a crazy one, I'll give you that. And such a twit! Get this, one time, I told her to get me a paring knife, and she got me a carving knife! How can you mix the two up?
TS: *Under breath: What the sam hill?* A completely idiotic mistake! If you'll excuse for a moment…(leaves Pirelle & goes down to Mrs. H)
Mrs. H: (to Tobi) Alright, darlin', go out and get me some whole milk and a bag of potatoes from the grocery store down the street. Tell Taylor I sent you. (sees TS. Looks back to Tobi, who's clutching handful of dollar bills.) Go on! (Tobi exits) Hey, Todd, what's up?
TS: Listen, this guy, Pirelle is a total pain in the neck.
Mrs. H: Or three feet lower.
TS: That too. Remember yesterday, you said you wanted blood? His blood.
Mrs. H: Uh-huh.
TS: Do you still mean it?
Mrs H: Sure, I do. And after what he did to that sweet little boy! The man deserves to be shot!
TS: Just checking. Listen, whatever you do, keep the boy downstairs.
Mrs. H: Why?
TS: You'll find out. (goes back upstairs)
(back upstairs, Pirelle is still seated. Ts. Grabs scissors & opens them so that the blades form a straight line.)
Pirelle: What did the cooking-school-dropout have to say?
TS: Oh, nothing much. So, Mr. Pirelle, where do you come from?
Pirelle: A lot of places, actually. My parents loved to travel. I was born in Sweden, so, although my parents are American, I am originally Swedish. I spent my childhood everywhere: Russia, France, Japan, Spain, the Caribbean. And I loved the theater. Every year, on my birthday, we would travel to New York City and see a Broadway show. That's how I knew about 'Sweeney Todd'. Remember it like it was yesterday. Oh, man, did I have nightmares!
TS: Do you remember what happens in the end? (walks behind Pirelle)
Pirelle: A lot of people die. First, it was the guy (voice dwindling)…who lost…the…contest. (eyes grow wide, visibly frightened) SHIT! (begins to rise. TS is quicker. TS puts blade in front of Pirelle's throat, thus causing Pirelle to walk into it. Bleeds profusely. Then falls to the floor with a loud thud! And is dead. Mrs. H runs up, breathing heavily)
Mrs. H: What in the name of...LORD ALMIGHTY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM!?
TS: He's dead.
Mrs. H: I CAN SEE THAT! WHO DID IT!?
TS: (casually) I gave you blood, blood, gallons of the stuff. I gave you all that you can drink…
Mrs. H: (shocked) You?...you?...(grabs him around the throat and pushes him against the wall) I WANTED TO DO IT!
TS: (choking) Here (drops blood-stained scissors) Knock yourself out.
Mrs. H: NO, YOU ALREADY RUINED IT FOR ME! (kicks scissors away and, no longer choking TS, still pins him to the wall by holding shoulders) I OUGHTA BEAT THE LIVIN' TAR OUTTA YOU! PRAISES BE, HE'S DEAD, OR I'D (frightened)…oh…he's dead. Oh my gosh. He's dead, he's dead, he's dead. (voice shaky. Hyperventilating) They're gonna kill you. Us! They're gonna kill us! We are SO toast! We are…
Tobi: (from downstairs) Mrs. Hateit? I got the stuff you wanted! Taylor was really nice. He gave me a candy bar!
Mrs. H: (calling down to Tobi, voice shaking a little) That's great, sweetheart! Give me just one moment, and I'll be right down! (whispering to TS) We've gotta move this body! (Both look frantically around the room. Mrs. H spots an empty trunk)
TS: Here! (walk over to trunk &opens it) No, wait, that's my comic book collection!
Mrs. H: So!?
TS: I don't want some dead guy bleedin' all over 'em!
Mrs. H: Too bad! (both stuff the body in the trunk. Hear footsteps)
TS: (To the trunk) If you bleed on #48, I'll…(Tobi enters. TS & Mrs. H freeze. Tobi sees the blood on the floor.)
Tobi: What happened? Is that…BLOOD!?
Mrs. H: Um…well, yes, that is blood. You see…Mr. Sweeney was…um…
TS: Cleaning off my good pair of scissors.
Mrs. H: Yes! He was cleaning the scissors…when…he cut his hand? (TS nods & covers hand with spare rag from table) He cut his hand! So, a little blood got on the floor!
Tobi: Yikes, you bleed a lot!
TS: Yeah, I've been takin' those anti-depressants- that aren't really working, by the way- and they make my blood really thin and stuff.
Tobi: Oh, well, are you ok, Mr. Sweeney?
TS: Ouch, ooh…Yes, yes, I'm fine. It's just a tiny cut! I'll be all better by tomorrow.
Tobi: Good. But, what happened to Mr. Pirelle?
Mrs. H: Well…this is kinda hard to say, hon, but…he's…
TS: No longer with us.
Mrs. H: (glares warningly at TS) W-what Mr. Sweeney means is that…he left. And said that he's… never, ever, EVER coming back.
Tobi: Oh. (teary-eyed) W-what's g-g-going t-to happen to me?
Mrs. H: Um…He left you in our care. Said that he doesn't need you anymore.
TS: So, that's why I was cleaning my scissors. I figure I'll start the old business up again and send you to a proper school! How's that sound?
Tobi: Ok, Mr. Sweeney, but it's June. I'm pretty sure most kids around here don't go to school in June.
Mrs H: Right…I got it! You can help me out in the shop! I could really use a pair of hands… (picks up hands) that size. How's that for ya?
Tobi: Really? Oh, thank you, Mrs. Hateit! (runs over to Mrs. H and hugs her)
Mrs. H: (giggles) You're quite welcome!
Tobi: (Runs over to TS) And you, too, Mr. Sweeney! (hugs him)
TS: No problem…um…what's your name?
Tobi: Tobias Ferdinand Kembell the Second, sir. But, please, don't call me that…unless you really want to. Or you're mad at me or somethin'.
TS: Ok, Tobias Ferdinand Kembell the Second, what shall I call you?
Tobi: Tobi; spelled with an "i", not a "y"!
Mrs. H: Alright, Tobi with an "i", not a "y", come help me downstairs. Mr. Sweeney has other things to do.
TS: I do?
Mrs. H: (eyes wide) Yeah, ya do! (looks at him, then the trunk, him, the trunk)
TS: Right, right, I'll take care of that. (Mrs. H & Tobi leave. TS makes sure they're gone before turning to the trunk)
TS: (to self) I'm a goner, I'm a goner, I'm SO a goner. (pause)(to trunk) Got anymore room in there?
SCENE 7: The Sgt.'s house. Sgt. Turnip stares at Josie through keyhole or hole in door. Josie is looking out window. Josie sees Tony outside. Their eyes meet. TS is sitting outside the house on a park, face hidden by a newspaper.)
Tony: Ooh, she's pretty! I feel the sudden urge to do something that could kill my social life forever! I know… (yelling, like from A Streetcar Named Desire) JOSIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
TS: Hey, you! (Tony looks at TS) Try singing. It's so much cooler.
Tony: Sounds good. (sung, like No Good Deed from Wicked) Josie…JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSIEEEEEEEEE!
TS: No, no, not like that. You wanna flirt with her, not freak her out.
Tony: Right…now, I think I've got it!
TS: Obviously, singing isn't your thing.
Tony: Whaddya mean? I was voted "Most Likely To Win American Idol" in middle school.
TS: Then, your friends had really bad taste. (Tony looks hurt) Try just talking to her.
Tony: (face lights up) Ok. Umm…Josie…I feel you…Josie…
TS: (hushed) Eww.
Tony: Oh, not like that! "I feel you" in the Dictionary of Tony means "I feel what you're feeling". Get it?
TS: (relieved) Ok, that's MUCH better. Please, by all means, continue.
Tony: I'll steal you, one day, Josie.
TS: CREEPER!
Tony: Give me a minute to think of something better.
Sgt. T: (watching from window) Eww. That's icky!
Mr. B: Icky?
Sgt. T: (talking like Mr. B is an idiot) Yes, icky! Doesn't that sewer rat know she's MINE. Ugh, (singing) "Teenager scare the livin' shit out of me!"
Mr. B: (singing) "They could care less, as long as someone will bleed!"
Sgt. & Mr. B: "So darken your clothes, or strike a violent pose, maybe they'll leave you alone…"
Tony: (from outside) "But not me!"
Sgt. T: (to audience) Please excuse the My Chem musical montage. I just got an iPod for my birthday, and, it is SWEET! (back to scene, disgusted) Just go get the kid & bring him to my study! I'll meet you there. (Mr. B leaves.)
(Back to street, where TS looks really, really bored and Tony is deep in thought)
Tony: What about this: Josie…(looks like he's going to say something really important)…hi.
TS: Dork.
(Mr. B. enters and sees Tony)
Mr. B: (to TS) What's he doing?
TS: Don't even ask. Can you get rid of him?
Mr. B: Sure thing. (approaches Tony) Hey! You look like you're deep in thought.
Tony: Really? 'Cause I totally am!
Mr. B: Why don't you come in and look up whatever you want to know on Wikipedia?
Tony: Great idea! Wikipedia would never lie to me!
(Mr. B and Tony walk inside. Sgt. T goes to window & watches Mr. B drag him in. Exits.)
Scene 7A: In Sgt.'s study. Lots of books, pictures of Josie., etc. Tony walks in nervously.)
Sgt. T: So, young man. What is your name?
Tony: (hesitates) Anthony William Jeremiad, sir.
Sgt. T: Hmm, that is an interesting name. Do you possibly have a shorter one?
Tony: Well, my homies…my friends call me Tony.
Sgt. T: Yes, well, I'm going to stick with Anthony. (Picks up letter opener from desk and looks at it in the light)
Letter Opener: (looks threatening)
Sgt. T: Is that alright?
Tony: (gulps) Yes, sir.
Sgt. T: Good, very good. (smiles & puts letter opener on desk, but still keeps his hand on it) Now, what were you doing just down there? Just on the sidewalk.
Tony: Oh, n-nothing, sir.
Sgt. T: You shouldn't lie to me, Anthony. Especially since I know every police officer in the city and can have them hunt you down anytime. (picks up the letter opener again)
Letter Opener: (look threatening again)
Sgt. T: Now, are you ready to tell the truth?
Tony: (quietly) Yes, sir.
Sgt. T: Well…you can begin!
Tony: O-ok. I was walking down the street…
Sgt. T: Yes?
Tony: I saw…(Sgt. T looks at him, urging him to go on. Hand gesture optional) I saw Josie.
Sgt. T: You were looking at her?
Tony: Y-yes, sir.
Sgt. T: Tsk, tsk, tsk. (spoken, not the sound. Pronounced 'tisk') That's a shame. I was beginning to like you, Anthony.
Bodyguard: Someone's gonna get it…
Sgt. T: You see, I simply cannot have people standing around GANDERING at Josie. People would get the wrong idea.
Tony: Um, what's wrong with gandering? Wait…what IS "GANDERING", anyways?
Sgt. T: Look it up. Anyone who GANDERS at Josie is a threat. Now you listen to me. (pins Tony to wall with great force) Do it again…
Tony: You mean look at her?
Sgt. T: No, I mean look at, glance at, stare at, make eye contact with, and especially GANDER at. Do anything of that manner and there's a spot at the morgue and a toe-tag with your name on it! (cheery) Are you seeing where I'm going with this? (Tony is silent) Ok, let's try something simpler. (very threateningly) You look, you die. You speak, you die. You so much as think, you die. Are we understood? (Tony nods very quickly) Splendid! My bodyguard will show you the door. (Bodyguard enters) As much fun as this has been, Anthony, I hope not to see you again, and I'm sure that you understand why. Good day.
Tony: (as bodyguard grabs arm) Same to you, too, sir.
(Tony & bodyguard exit. In hallway, a good difference from the study. They stop.)
Bodyguard: You'd be smart to never come back here. Sgt. Turnip doesn't threaten for nothin'. You must never come near this house again. Don't even come down this street. He will find you, and, believe me, will cause you more pain than you can imagine. I have seen it happen too many times. And you are too young to go through that. Promise me, never will you see Miss Josie again.
Tony: (thinks about it) I can't do that. (runs) Thanks anyways, for your concern.
Bodyguard: Oh, by the way, I was ordered to beat you up, so…ummm…sorry in advance. (Bodyguard grabs an umbrella [ella, ella!] and beats him over the head with it.
Tony: Oww! That hurt!
Bodyguard: No fake! (beats him a couple more times)
Tony: (nose and lips bleeding) Ok…you can stop now.
Bodyguard: Oh, one more! (hits him again)
Tony: Ouch! Alright, that's enough! (bodyguard hits him again. Tony tries to grab the umbrella) GIVE…ME…THAT! (Tony wins, and points the umbrella threateningly at the bodyguard) No more!
Bodyguard: Ugh, fine!
(Tony exits)
(outside. TS is still there, reading the newspaper)
TS: (Puts down paper) How did it go. You were in there forever!
Tony: Well, I was apparently GANDERING at Josie.
TS: (sarcastic) Oh, GANDERING at her, were you? Shame, shame, shame! GANDERING! I can't believe a friend of MINE would GANDER! (end sarcasm) Ok, first of all, who uses the word GANDER anymore?
Tony: Apparently, Sgt. Turnip does. And, he remembers to put the extra emphasis on the word.
TS: And what is GANDERING, anyways? Is it staring at? Fawning over? Looking and thinking inappropriate thoughts?
Tony: No, I was just looking at her. She's beautiful, Todd. I wasn't going to do anything except maybe talk to her. What's wrong with that?
TS: In Sgt. Turnip's eyes, everything. It's like he's keeping her for himself! (both laugh. TS stops before Tony)
Tony: Well, I've gotta go drive the taxi before my boss knows I was here. Bye, Todd.
TS: Bye, Tony. (waits until Tony is gone) What if he IS keeping her for himself? (thinks for a moment) For Josie's sake, I hope not. (exits running, or at least with a quickened pace)
SCENE 8: Back at the hot dog shop. TS, Mrs. H in kitchen
Mrs. H: (chopping veggies) So, how did it go with Tony?
TS: Well, he saw my daughter, he sang to her…
Mrs. H: Sang? Really?
TS: Yes. Beu, that didn't exactly work for him. So, he stuck with talking. Sgt. Turnip saw him, threatened to kill him, and, to top it all off, I thinks he wants to marry my daughter.
Mrs. H: Who, Tony? I've always liked him!
TS: No, not Tony. The Sarge!
Mrs. H: Eww. That's just not right!
TS: Tell me about it! I don't wanna be related to him, he's a meanie!
Mrs. H: You have a way with words, Mr. Sweeney. (hushed) Speaking of things that aren't right, I moved what's-his-face…
TS: Pirelle?
Mrs. H: Shhh! I don't want little Tobi to hear! But, I moved him to the basement freezer and locked the door. We've gotta figure out what to do with him.
TS: Well, I was thinking…
Mrs. H: There's a first time for everything.
TS: Shut up! Anyways, going to the Sgt's house and killing him sounds great and all, but what if we got him to come to us. That way, he wouldn't suspect a thing!
Mrs. H: Awesome! How are we gonna do it?
TS: We'll advertise and all that other good junk. But, in the meantime, other people will come. And I'll practice by murdering them, so, when Sgt. Turnip comes, I'll be ready.
Mrs. H: No, I-I just c-can't do that. (seizes him by the shoulders) No more dead people, Todd, no more dead people! We barely got Pirelle past Tobi last time. The kid's gonna find out! And, I can't be seen carrying any more bodies downstairs. One day, I may have a customer! What would they say?
TS: Relax, Mrs. Hateit, I have a plan to get the bodies down to you. That's not a problem. All you have to do is keep an eye on Tobi and make sure he doesn't go down in the basement or up to my shop, and we'll be fine.
Mrs. H: What about the freezer? While you're just a-slittin' throats, I have to stuff them into the freezer. Only so many dead guys can fit into one freezer!
TS: We'll figure that one out later. Please, trust me! Have I ever done anything without thinking it through?
Mrs. H: Well, no. Not in the past week I've known you.
TS: And, have I always kept your well-being and safety in mind?
Mrs. H: …Yes, Todd. So far…
TS: Then, what's the problem?
Mrs. H: (sighs) Nothing, Todd.
TS: So, I can do it?
Mrs. H: I guess…
TS: Alright! I'm gonna get started!
Mrs. H: Todd?
TS: Yes?
Mrs. H: If you screw this up, you're gonna end up like Pirelle…only worse.
TS: It will all be fine, trust me!
(Todd exits, Mrs. H lingers)
Mrs. H: Oh, I can see the headlines now. "CRAZED HAIRSTYLIST AND HOT DOG VENDOR KILL CUSTOMERS, PUT BODIES IN FREEZER." I hope I look good in newsprint. (exits)
SCENE 9: Sgt.'s House. Sgt. is staring at Josie through keyhole.
Sgt: (to self) Daaaamnnn, mah girl's getting "big"…heheehehehe! She has grown up to be so beautiful…so very, very beautiful.
Bodyguard: I agree, sir.
Sgt: (Turns to Bodyguard) When did you get here?
Bodyguard: I'm always here. It's kinda my job. That YOU'RE paying for.
Sgt: Right. And you have been doing a fine job, indeed. Now, leave!
Bodyguard: Ok…does this mean I can have a break?
Sgt: Yeah, sure. A very quick one!
Bodyguard: Enough time to run down to Starbucks?
Sgt: Yes, but only if you get me a Café Mocha.
Bodyguard: Will do. Bye! (darts out of room)
Sgt: (back to the keyhole) My Josie…so young and beautiful… (quieter) …young and beautiful. Is it a sin that I love you, dear Josie? (silent for a moment, sighs) Am I horrible person, Josie? Am I? (begins pacing) But, how am I to keep you forever? I need to think. (walks into study. "Jeopardy" song plays)
Sgt. T: Hey Beadle! (Beadle pokes head out) Stop practicing for your piano lesson! I'm PONDERING!!
Beadle: Sorry, Boss.
Sgt: You should know better than to bother me while I'm PONDERING! Or else…
Mr. B: (Sarcastic) Ooh, are ya gonna give me a court sentence or somethin'? See me tremble in my Italian leather shoes.
Sgt: No, (grabs letter opener from the desk and looks at it ominously) but you just might end up like the last guy to interrupt me while I was PONDERING…
Mr. B: (nervous) I get the picture.
Bodyguard (carrying coffee cups): I'm back! There was, like only two other people there besides me. (sees Beadle) You're still here?
Beadle: Um, yes.
Bodyguard: You related to the Sarge or somethin'?
Beadle: No, I just hang out here all the time.
Bodyguard: Why?
Beadle: I have abandonment issues!
Bodyguard: Whatever you say, stalker-boy! (Leaves)
Sgt. T: Hey! What about my coffee?
Bodyguard: Sorry! Here! (hands him the coffee)
Sgt. T: Mmmmm…chocolate, chocolate, chocolate! (stares at coffee lovingly. Remembers that Mr. B & Bodyguard are there) You didn't see any of that.
Bodyguard & Mr. B: Yes, sir.
Sgt. T: Ok, then. Let us COLLABORATE! I like Josie…
Bodyguard: Like, or "like, like"?
Sgt. T: The second one.
Bodyguard: Ewww! Cooties!
Sgt. T: Shut up! Back to the topic at hand: I (air quotes) "like, like" Josie. I want her to stay with me. FOREVER. (creepy music plays)
Mr. B: (creepy music abruptly stops) Forever, you say?
Sgt. T: Yes, FOREVER. (more creepy music for a few seconds. Then it abruptly stops) Any ideas?
Bodyguard: Ooh, I know! You can put a powerful force field made out of…electro-magnetic…things around her, so she can't leave!
Sgt. T: Where did I find this guy, again?
Bodyguard: It was Friday, January 2nd, 1994. I was standing outside of The South East Diner when this idiot in a red plaid shirt and jeans…
Sgt. T: Please leave.
Bodyguard: Nobody appreciates me! (storms out)
Mr. B: If I may, I would tell you just to marry her. You love her, she'll learn to love you. And, you'll never have to worry about her leaving again. Oh, and let's not forget about all of the kinky sex…I know you've been wanting to use those new fuzzy handcuffs…
Sgt. T: Ah, THIS is why I let you hang out at my house all the time! I shall marry Josie soon…ish. Let me check my planner. (pulls tiny book out of pocket & leafs through the pages) Hmm…Wednesday's no good, and neither is Thursday. There's always Friday, but that may be too soon. It's impossible to book a wedding anywhere on a weekend, so I guess Monday's the day! (scribbles in planner) Ok, I'll go tell Josie we're getting married. You, stay here.
Mr. B: But, sir, what if she declines?
Sgt. T: She wouldn't. I'll make sure she accepts. (leaves)
Mr. B: Ok, my friend is marrying someone over three times younger than I am. What's wrong with this picture?
SCENE 9A: Josie's room. Pale pink or blue. Josie sits on a blue/pink butterfly chair near window, overlooking Central Park. Has a birdcage/birdcages.
(knock on door)
Josie: Yes? You may come in.
Sgt. T: (enters) Thank you, dear. How are things outside?
Josie: Quite nice. The sun has come out, so everything looks very cheery.
Sgt. T: And your birds? How are they?
Josie: Fine, as usual. (pause) But, I know you didn't come to talk about the weather or my birds.
Sgt. T: You're correct; I didn't come to talk about the birds. I have a more…serious matter to discuss.
Josie: (worried) Oh, is everything alright? No one's sick, are they?
Sgt. T: No, darling, nothing's wrong! It's a good thing, or, at least, I think so.
Josie: (sighs) Good. You had me worried! What do you need to say?
Sgt. T: Josie, remember how I have forbidden you to date, under any circumstances?
Josie: (remembering with sadness) Yes. Even though I disagree with your thinking, I have been taught to honor your will always.
Sgt. T: Yes, and you have proven yourself able to do so. I think you'll be pleased to hear that I have found a suitable husband for you.
Josie: WHAT!?! But, I'm kinda young! No one gets married at seventeen anymore. What if I don't want to marry him? What if I don't love him?
Sgt. T: STOP with the questions! You'll learn to love him! As I understand it, you have developed a…fondness for him over the years. Almost like a blood-relative.
Josie: You mean I know him?
Sgt. T: You have known him for most of your life, since you were an infant. Go ahead, guess.
Josie: This is a bit weird. I'm now playing the "Guess My Husband" game.
Sgt. T: I'll give you a hint: This certain someone lives in New York.
Josie: Well, that narrows it down to about 10 million. Umm, let me think…(ponders) That cute Baker boy from down the street? (hopeful)
Sgt. T: Nope. Closer.
Josie: Our neighbor's son, Eric?
Sgt. T: No. Even closer.
Josie: (horrified) Certainly not Mr. Beadle!
Sgt. T: Negative.
Josie: (looking up at the celling) Thank you SO MUCH!
Sgt. T: Even closer. He's in this room.
Josie: (puzzled) My canary?
Sgt. T: (a bit frustrated) Closer.
Josie: (still puzzled) My tonsils?
Sgt. T: NO! HOW DID I RAISE SUCH A BUMBLING IDIOT!? (sees Josie, who is visibly sad. Tears streaming down face.) Oh, darling, I'm sorry. I've had a VERY bad day. (wipes tears off her face with his hand)
Josie: It still hurt! (turns away from him)
Sgt. T: Sweetheart, (Hugs her from behind) I know how we can make this better.
Josie: (sniff) How?
Sgt. T: You can marry me.
Josie: Huh? (begins laughing) OMG, I thought you were serious! (laughs more)
Sgt. T: (sighs) I kinda was. (grabs Josie's hands) Josie, I love you. I WANT to marry you!
Josie: (shocked) Oh…oh, gosh. You're serious. Seriously, seriously, seriously, SERIOUSLY! Oh, snap, crackle, pop you're really serious!
Sgt. T: I think we've established the fact that I am, indeed, serious.
Josie: (throwing hands away from her) No! (backs against wall) Don't touch me. (Sgt. T edges closer) Get back, or I'll put those Tai Chi (not sure if that's a type of martial arts, but just ad-lib there) lessons to good use! (Sgt. T exits quickly. See Josie sink to the floor, hugging knees to chest, staring at the door.)
SCENE 9B:
Sgt. T: (In the hallway, Sgt. T. closes Josie's door and leans against it) That could have gone better. (walks back to the study, where Mr. B & Bodyguard are playing cards)
Mr. B: (still concentrating on the game) So, did you get the girl?
Sgt. T: (hesitant to say) Well, um…not exactly…
Bodyguard: Ooh, Sarge just got rejected! (Sgt. and Mr. B. glare at him)
Mr. B: What did you do to her?
Sgt. T: It's hard to explain.
Bodyguard: Ok, then, act it out for us. Mr. Beadle, you can be Josie since…well…you're more in touch with your…feminine side.
Mr. B: Do I look like a woman to you? (no response. Mr. B looks offended) Fine, I'll be Josie!
Bodyguard: Ok, Sarge, for once in your life, I want you to be yourself! And…I'll…just be here. 'Kay, places everybody! (they go to their spots) And…ACTION!
Sgt. T: Alright. So, I knock on the door and Josie says to come in.
Mr. B: (in falsetto) Come in! (the Sgt. and bodyguard exchange a puzzled glance)
Sgt. T: So I ask, how the weather is, since all she does is stare out that stupid window all day.
Mr. B: (f) Oh, quite lovely.
Sgt. T: For conversation's sake, I ask about the birds. She loves those little feathered feinds.
Mr. B: (f) Absolutely fabulous! Now, are you going to create any more small-talk or get to the point? This is horribly straining my voice.
Sgt. T: Sorry. So I tell her that I have something to discuss with her, and she thinks something is wrong.
Mr. B: (f) Gasp!
Sgt. T: No, I tell her, nothing's wrong. This is a good thing.
Mr. B: (f) Sigh!
Sgt. T: Then, I tell her that I have found her a suitable husband, but she is shocked. She says she's too young, she's not in love, she doesn't know the guy, that stuff.
Mr. B: (f) I'm too young! I'm not in love! Who is this guy?
Sgt. T: So, to make things a little more fun, I decide to make her guess who her husband would be. She guessed the Baker boy down the street (Mr. B. giggles in falsetto), our neighbor, Eric (Mr. B smiles), Mr. Beadle (Mr. B looks shocked) Although, she didn't seem too fond of the idea. (Mr. B's face falls, Bodyguard stifles a laugh) And, it gets better. She then guessed her canary and her tonsils. I, being very frustrated, got mad and lost my temper a bit. I kinda called her a 'bumbling idiot'.
Mr. B: (f, fake-crying) How could you?
Sgt. T: So I then hugged her (hugs Mr. B from behind) and said I was sorry. (Mr. B still feigns crying. Takes Mr. B's hands) And I told her that we could make it better. She could marry me! (Mr. B looks shocked, girly gasp) And, then she laughed!
Mr. B: (f) Hahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahhaha!
Sgt. T: No, I said, I'm serious. I love you, Josie! Then, things got pretty ugly…
Mr. B: You? Seriously! (backs against wall) Don't you lay a hand on me!
Sgt. T: She threatened to use Tai Chi on me. (Mr. B strikes a karate pose) I ran.
Bodyguard: Smart. Very smart.
Sgt. T: I know that now.
Mr. B: (f) Did she…(clears throat, end falsetto) Did she ever actually give you an answer?
Sgt. T: No…I guess she didn't.
Mr. B: We still have a chance!
Sgt. T: Score!
Bodyguard: Let us plot! Again!
ACT 2
SCENE 1: up in the hairstylist shop, TS has set up a trapdoor to the bakeshop. He is now showing Mrs. H)
TS: Look here, Mrs. H. (motions towards the trunk. Walks over.) Just your everyday, stylish, trunk, correct? Well, open the lid…(opens the lid to reveal a hole in the floor, leading to the kitchen.)
Mrs. H: Ooh, cool! (moves in for a closer look) Ya done good, Todd Sweeney. The trunk's a perfect disguise! Such a nice cuttin' job ya did, too. (hugs him) Oh, things are finally lookin' up! (exits)
TS: (to self) Things are lookin' up…(closes trunk. Picks up scissors.) Dear friends, you are my life, now. You shall free me from this horrible, hateful world…
Mrs. H: (runs into room, panting) Mr. Sweeney, you have a customer! (hushed) Now, we'll be able to try out the new invention. (calls downstairs) Just up here, sir! (a young man, about 25 enters. TS picks up scissors and opens them fully) I'll be downstairs if you need me!
TS: Welcome, my friend. Have a seat, and I'll be right with you. (Gets brushes, hair gel, etc. & stands behind man) What might I do for you?
Young Man: I have to go to my sister's wedding on Sunday, and I'd really like something…(TS slits throat. Man dies (duh!))
TS: Ah, a wedding, you say? Too bad, it looks like you're a bit busy being dead. Might want to return that gift ya got her. (drags body over to trunk & opens lid) Mrs. Hateit?
Mrs. H: (looking up from the bottom of the chute) Yeah, dear?
TS: We've got one. Watch out! (throws body down chute)
Mrs. H: (body lands with a thud) That's great! Hey, come down here. I have a good idea! (drags body away)
SCENE 1A: in the basement kitchen
TS: Mrs. Hateit? Where'd ya go?
Mrs. H: (voice from the right) Over here! (TS walks towards her voice to see the large freezer and an oversized oven/stove. Mrs. H has moved the body next to a large wooden table.) Come, help me pick this poor guy up. (TS does so) That's better.
TS: So, what's your brilliant idea?
Mrs. H: Ok, this is gonna sound kinda sound strange…
TS: Like we're not already strange?
Mrs. H: True. But, I found a way to get rid of the bodies! It starts with "put them" and ends with "into hot dog"!
TS: (figuring it out) Put them…into hot dog. (puzzled) Put them…into…hot dog (thinks for a moment) Oh, put them into hot dog!
Mrs. H: (sarcastic) Nothin' gets past you, Mr. Sweeney. Think about it…
TS: Yeah! We could put anyone in hot dog! Think about it!
Mrs. H: A poet!
TS: A grocer!
Mrs. H: An actor!
TS: Harry Potter!
Mrs. H: No. He's the "Boy Who Lived". We're not gonna be the ones who kill him!
TS: Fine. I'll settle with businessman.
Mrs. H: That's fine, dear. Oh, I just invested in an industrial-sized meat grinder, so I'm gonna go test it.
TS: You do that, while I find a way to get all this blood out of my clothes. Do you think I could take my stuff to the coin-laundry down the street?
Mrs. H: What do you think?
TS: Well, I'm sure they've seen stranger. (Mrs. H shakes her head) Ugh! Fine! I'll do it myself!
Mrs. H: That's better, Mr. S. (exits. Yells from offstage) Hey, this guy's got $700 in his wallet! I could buy a Chanel suit with that!
TS: Who's Chanel?
Mrs. H: (sighs) Never mind, Mr. S.
SCENE 2: (Sgt. T & Mr. Beadle are walking down the street)
Sgt: Why does she resist me? I'm a likeable guy…I think.
Mr. B: A very likeable guy. But, how can I say this…
Sgt: Say what?
Mr. B: You see, women are very sensitive when it comes to certain things.
Sgt: Like that?
Mr. B: Well, appearance, for one. They like their men all "spic and span", if you please.
Sgt: So, this pertains to me how?
Mr. B: Well, you're…you're…
Sgt: Out with it!
Mr. B: Well, you're looking a bit rough. I mean, your hair is kinda…unkempt, I guess is a good word for it. Don't worry, I have the simple solution. There's a great hairstylist on Fleet Ave. Tons of my friends have heard of him. Todd Sweeney is the name.
Sgt: You mean "Sweeney Todd"? That murderer guy from Victorian England?
Mr. B: No, Todd Sweeney. I'm sure he gets a lot of that, though. Never killed anyone, as far as I know. He seems like a pretty nice guy, too.
Sgt: I may pay him a visit. What's the address, again?
Mr. B: 127 Fleet Ave.
Sgt: I shall get to him tonight. Thanks.
Mr. B: No problem, sir.
(Both go separate ways)
SCENE 2A: at Sgt.'s house. Tony stands in front of house, looking to Josie in the window
Tony: Josie? Josie, it's me, Tony! Come let me in!
Josie: I can't. They'll be back any minute!
Tony: I can run fast. Now, come let me in!
Josie: Ooh, alright! (runs downstairs & opens door) Get in! (shut door after looking around cautiously. Both run up to Josie's room. Josie locks door) I've got bad news. You've met the Sarge, yes?
Tony: No…wait…yes, I do remember, vaguely. Didn't he threaten to kill me or somethin'?
Josie: Tony, this is serious! The guy wants to marry me.
Tony: EWWW! Wait, that's like cradle-snatching!
Josie: No, according to the law, people are allowed to get married at age 17. I'm seventeen! This is bad! And, we're not related, so it's perfectly valid!
Tony: No kiddin'. I wouldn't want to be stuck with the Sarge "'till death do us part" either! What are we gonna do?
Josie: I don't know. We're getting married Monday!
Tony: Oh, snap! That's not good!
Josie: Tell me about it! The only way out that I can think of is death, (grabs him by the shirt and shakes him) and I don't wanna die!
Tony: (thinks for a moment) You don't have to die, because I have a plan.
Josie: What?
Tony: We'll get married! We're both seventeen, so we're old enough. And…(puts her hand in his) I love you, Josie. I loved you even when I didn't know your name.
Josie: And I love you, too, Tony. (they kiss. Josie, looking slightly embarrassed, gasps and blushes profusely)
Tony: What's wrong?
Josie: I'm sorry, but that was the first time I've ever kissed a guy.
Tony: Really?
Josie: Yes. The truth is…I've never dated. It was forbidden. I've never even had a friend.
Tony: Wow. It sure does suck to be you!
Josie: Yeah, but, ya can't miss what ya never had.
Tony: True. Well, we're gonna change that. Do you accept my proposal? Will you be mine?
Josie: Yes!
Tony: We'll run away to Philadelphia tomorrow and get married there. Is that ok?
Josie: It doesn't matter where we are, just as long as we're together.
(Hear door open.)
Sgt's Voice: Josie, dear, I'm home! (or, you could do the "I Love Lucy" version 'Josie, I'm hooooome!)
Josie: SHIT! You've gotta get outta here! (ushers him towards the side window) There's a fire escape you can climb down.
Tony: Before I go, I gotta know somethin'. Does the Sarge ALWAYS do the weird "word emphasis" thing?
Josie: (stifles a laugh) Yes, yes he does. Now, scram!
Tony: Meet me at 11 o'clock tomorrow night. I'll be at your window.
Sgt's Voice: (coming up stairs) Josie? Where are you? I want to talk to you.
Josie: Go! (shoves him out the window)
(Sgt. opens her door)
Sgt: There you are! (walks towards Josie, Josie backs up) You're not still freaked out about the whole marriage thing, are you?
Josie: Nothin' gets past you…
Sgt: I never meant to cause you any pain. (walks over slowly. Gently grabs shoulders from behind. Josie looks disgusted) I think it is the best thing we can do at this time. Maybe, you'll even like it. (Josie stays silent, in a resistant manner) Still resisting me, I see? (suddenly angry. Still from behind Josie, whispering threateningly into her ear) I tried to be a considerate man, Josie. And, yet, you still are not satisfied? (Josie flinches) Like it or not, you will marry me, Josie. I shall be sure of it. (whips Josie around to face him. Frustrated) Why am I not good enough for you? I love you, Josie, I love you! WHAT AM I DOING WRONG!?! (Josie, crying, just shakes her head. Sgt. violently kisses Josie, but Josie pulls away. A slap upside the head is optional [because he kinda DOES deserve it] Sgt. looks bewildered and frightened. Runs out of room.)
Josie: Fuck my life…
SCENE 3: at the hot dog shop, business is thriving. Mrs. H wears fake-designer clothes and looks cheery. Tobi stands at the front counter, taking orders, where there are large containers of hot dog. The shop had been fixed up a little, with new tables, chairs, etc. TS waits upstairs, the room and himself both looking better than before.
Mrs. H: (to Tobi) Business is really lookin' up, isn't it, hon?
Tobi: Yes, Aunt Millie, it is. (turns to customer) Welcome to Mrs. Hateit's Hot dog Shop, may I take your order?
Tobi: Hey, people! Mrs. Hateit makes some really good hot dog! Come get some!
Mrs. H: Tobi, stop advertising and go tend the register! And get that beggar off the curb! (Tobi does this)
Mrs. H: Well, it's back to the kitchen with me! (goes to basement where she has invested in an industrial-sized meat grinder, just to the left of the chute.)
SCENE 4: It is about 10 o'clock PM when Tony comes into the shop. He looks exasperated. Mrs. H enters)
Mrs. H: Sorry, dear, the shop's closed. You'll have to wait until 10 tomorrow morning to get some hot dog.
Tony: With all due respect, I didn't come for hot dog. I don't even like hot dog.
Mrs. H: (shocked) That's impossible! Everyone loves hot dog.
Tony: Listen, I'm here to see Mr. Sweeney. I need to discuss something with him.
Mrs. H: He's just upstairs, the second door on the left. Try not to wake Tobi! Poor guy had a busy day!
Tony: I'll be sure not to. Thanks! (runs upstairs. TS is standing by the window, cleaning his scissors.)
TS: (hears Tony) Sorry, but I'm not seeing any more customers…(turns around) Tony! What can I do for ya?
Tony: Sir, I really need your help. I found your daughter, Josie.
TS: Did you? What does she look like?
Tony: She's gorgeous, Todd. The most beautiful girl I've ever seen.
TS: Just like her mother, then.
Tony: I wouldn't know. Listen, Sgt. Turnip is going to marry her!
TS: (stops cleaning the scissors. Sounds worried) Eww! When?
Tony: Monday. Todd, I have a plan to stop this whole thing.
TS: Tell it to me!
Tony: Ok, Saturday night, I'm gonna meet Josie outside her window at midnight. We're going to Philadelphia from there. I have money, don't worry, and so does she…I hope. We'll get plane tickets for first thing in the morning. When we get to Philly, we'll get married there.
TS: Where do I come in?
Tony: We need a place to stay, only for a couple of hours. No one would find us here. Please, can you be ready for us?
TS: Sure, anything. As long as you get Josie out.
Tony: Thank you, Todd. (heads for the door)
TS: No, Tony, thank you. (Tony exits. TS goes back to the window) Sixteen years, Josie. I'll see you, finally, after sixteen years. I hope you like me as I am, a…hairstyling serial killer. (TS puts scissors down and exits)
SCENE 5: the next day. It is 9 AM, and Tony stands in Josie's room.
Tony: …We'll be staying in a friend's house, and, after that, it's off to Philly!
Josie: Whose house will we be staying in?
Tony: Umm, yeah, well…do you know who your real father is?
Josie: The Sarge told me about him a few times. Said he was some alcoholic nobody who lived down on Fleet Ave., and that I should never go there.
Tony: First of all, he's not an alcoholic. Second, he's who we're gonna stay with. And, yes, he does live on Fleet Ave.
Josie: He's alive? And he's been in the city this whole time?
Tony: No, he just got here in June. And, he asked me about him. He's very excited to meet you.
Josie: Oh, Tony, thank you! (hugs him) You're the best!
Tony: I know. Now, dear, I must be off to tell Mr. Sweeney…well, dad, I guess, that everything's ready to go. I'll see you soon. (goes to leave)
Josie: Please, don't leave me with the Sarge! Who knows what he's gonna do to me? I know what he's done to other women, and I…
Tony: Wait…you WITNESSED all that…stuff.
Josie: He was never too quiet about it. He would introduce his (air quotes) "friends" to me and everything. And, he would tell Mr. Beadle about it, too. His study is right below my room, and there's an air vent that leads to it, so I could hear everything he told him.
Tony: That's a little awkward. Did you hear him threaten me?
Josie: Yes, and I know he used the old letter opener trick, too.
Tony: No way! How did you KNOW that?
Josie: It's what he does to everyone. And, trust me, he WILL dismember you with it if you don't say what he wants to hear. I've…heard that, too.
Tony: Woah. That's weird.
Josie: I wanted to make sure you would be alright. I didn't want him to hurt you.
Tony: Well, he didn't. Ok, he DID have his bodyguard beat me with an umbrella a few times. But, that didn't hurt very much.
Josie: Oh…sorry. (momentary pause) I love you.
Tony: Random…but I love you, too. Just think about our wonderful life in Philly, and, before you know it, I'll be back for you!
Josie: I will! See ya on Saturday!
Tony: Yes, Saturday! The best day of the week! (exits)
SCENE 6: at the hairstyling shop.
TS: (talking to scissors) You've done well, my friends. I owe you everything. (sharp knock on the door) Come in!
Mrs. H: Todd! Todd! You're not gonna believe who's here!
TS: Tell me!
Mrs. H: The Sarge!
TS: The Sarge?
Mrs. H: Sgt. Turnip!
TS: Yay! (pause for a moment) I don't know if I can do it.
Mrs. H: Whaddya mean?!? You've waited 16 years for this!
TS: I know…
Mrs. H: Come on! WHAT TEAM ARE WE?!?
TS: Team…Revenge
Mrs. H: I SAID…WHAT TEAM ARE WE?!?
TS: TEAM REVENGE!
Mrs. H: Now, go out there and slit some throats and take some names!
TS: YEAH!
Mrs. H: Now…wait.
TS: You just told me to go ahead and kill 'em!
Mrs. H: Yeah, well…that was then, this is now.
(enter Sgt.)
Sgt: Are you Todd Sweeney?
TS: Yeah…
Sgt: Good. Listen, I'm getting married on Monday, and I want to look…younger…ish.
TS: (to self) Gonna take a lot more than a haircut…
Sgt: What?
TS: Oh, nothin'. Talkin' to myself- bad habit.
Sgt: I know what you mean. I have this problem where I OVER-EMPHASIZE words.
TS: You don't say…
(Sgt. sits down and TS begins to cut hair)
Sgt: Afraid so. My sorta-kinda-adopted daughter hates it. Oh, by the way, she's the one I'm marrying.
TS: And you say it like it's normal.
Sgt: Huh?
TS: Sorry…it's…ummm…a hairstylist thing. You wouldn't get it.
Sgt: Oh, I see. Anyways, she's really pretty.
TS: Yeah, she's got her mom's looks…
Sgt: (sounding scared) You-you knew h-her mother?
TS: No…ummm…I said "I bet she's a really good cook!"
Sgt: Hmmm…I don't know. I never let her near a stove. Might burn her hands. Her smooth…soft…pale…(notices that TS is still there)…uhhh, yeah, you get it.
TS: Of course. What would we do without pretty women?
Sgt: IDK.
TS: Don't do that. It's creepy.
Sgt: Well, I'm a creepy guy.
TS: Ok…I've gotta go over here and…do something of importance.
(walks to the other side of the room)
TS: (to the scissors) Alright, guys you know the drill. Slice quickly, but let him feel the pain. Remember: "TEAM REVENGE!"
Sgt: I can hear you…
TS: Right. (walks back over to Sgt.) Forget what I just said.
(the "Jaws" music begins to play, as TS edges closer to the Sgt. He slowly puts the opened scissors to his throat as the music climaxes.)
TS: MRS. H. IS GONNA HAVE ONE HECK OF A TIME GETTING' YOUR BLOOD OUTTA MY SHIRT!
(Tony bursts in the door)
TS: Aww, COME ON!
Tony: Mr. Sweeney! Everything is set. Josie is going to meet me on Saturday, so we can escape!
Sgt: WHAT!?
TS: Tony! SHUT UP!
Sgt: Wait, Tony…(realizes who it is, gasps. jumps up, looks to TS) YOU'RE helping HIM?
Tony: (seeing that it is Sgt.) OH, SNAP! It's YOU!
Sgt: Yeah, IT'S ME! And, YOU are gonna steal MY Josie!
TS: Hey, guys, chill!
Sgt: (to TS) I thought you were a good guy, Todd Sweeney. WE SANG! Doesn't that mean anything?
TS: And a lovely song it was! An instant classic! But, he was kinda here first.
Sgt: I DON'T CARE WHO WAS HERE FIRST! As for Josie, I'll lock her up. So she'll be safe from (points at Tony) YOU! Mr. Sweeney, I have no business here now, or ever again! GOODBYE! (leaves, slamming the door)
Tony: Well, I really blew it.
TS: (patting him on the back) Yeah, ya did.
Tony: Sorry.
TS: Ah, it's no problem. (Tony leaves) I was only going get revenge after waiting for sixteen years and introduce Mrs. Hateit to Cream of Sarge hot dog.
SCENE 7: back at the shop, in the afternoon the next day.
Tony: (running in) Todd, they got rid of her! They got rid of Josie!
TS: I'm not surprised.
Tony: Aren't we gonna try to find her?
TS: Duh!
Mrs. H: Ok, where could he have put her in twenty-four hours?
Tobi: A boarding school?
TS: No, she has to be close by. No one could be accepted that fast.
Mrs. H: What if he took her out of the state?
Tony: No, the Sarge's car was there.
Tobi: What about a hospital?
Mrs. H: The kid's got a good idea. They take people at any time…
TS: And, there's high security…
Tony: And, no one would suspect anything.
Tobi: She's not sick, so she must be in some mental ward.
TS: The Sarge must have come up with some deranged story to get her in there.
Mrs. H: So, now all we have to do is go to the hospital and break her outta there.
TS: It's not gonna be that easy. We need a plan! (all huddle around table)
SCENE 8: TS is upstairs with Mrs. H.)
Mrs. H: Ok, remember, we're gonna go get Josie at seven, so work until six and then come downstairs to Tobi, Tony, and I.
TS: Ok, Mrs. Hateit. Will do.
Mrs. H: She's gonna be fine, don't you worry! (leaves)
SONG: JOSIE (2)
SCENE 9: down in the living room, Tony and Tobi sit on the couch. Mrs. H sits on a large armchair. TS enters)
Mrs. H: Oh, good, we're all here! Boys, go eat some hot dog and get ready, alright. (Tony & Tobi leave) Listen, Todd, I wanted to talk to you for a moment. We should plan our lives AFTER this a bit, just a bit. I have a few ideas in mind…Wanna hear 'em?
TS: (half-heartedly) Sure.
Mrs. H: Really?
TS: (sigh) Yes, I want to know.
Mrs. H: Well, I was thinkin' we could move to the Jersey shore. I could set up a good business, you could kill off a tourist or two, and Tobi could meet some friends his own age. And…we could…maybe…get married…if you wanted…
TS: (staring into the distance, and is suddenly jolted awake) What? Sorry, I wasn't listening. Run that by me again?
Mrs. H: Ugh, forget it!
Tony: (followed by Tobi) We're all ready to go, Mrs. H!
TS: Great, let's review the plan. Ok, Tony, Mrs. Hateit, Tobi, and I are going to get you to Josie, but you have to take it from there. After you have her, bring her back here where you'll stay for a little while, and then be on your way.
Tony/Tobi/Mrs. H: Right!
TS: Ok. (puts on determined face) Let do this! (all exit)
Tony: I feel you, Josie. And not in the creepy-perverted way. I'm gonna steal you away soon.
TS: (with a customer) I wonder if you're pretty like your mother, Josie…(slits customer's throat)
Beggar: (looking at the shop from outside. Sees smoke coming from the kitchen) Gasp! Smoke! (pulls book out of pocket and flips through the pages) According to Insanity for Dummies, that's a sign of the devil! City on fire!
Random Person Walking Down The Street: No, it's not.
Beggar: Smoke equals fire. Duh! Like I was saying…CITY ON FIRE!
SCENE 10: in a hospital welcome center. At the front desk, there is a young nurse reading a tabloid)
Mrs. H: (to the nurse) Excuse me? (nurse looks up) We're here to see Josie Turnip in the Psychological Ward.
Nurse: (looking through files) Josie…Josie…ah, here we are! I'm sorry, but we're not allowed to let anyone see her.
TS: But, my family and I have come such a long way!
Tobi: I wanna see my cousin, Josie!
Mrs. H: (in tears) I'm sorry, darling, but we can't. She..sniff…can't be…seeing…a-anyone…sniff…right n-now. (breaks down crying) Oh, poor thing! (falls to the floor. Nurse runs over to her) I j-just w-wanted t-t-to see my-my n-niece! (TS motions for Tony to go. Tony slips past the nurse to the door) JOSIE! OH, MY LITTLE JOSIE!
Nurse: I'm gonna get you some tissues. (looks at TS & Tobi) Keep an eye on her. (leaves)
TS: Good job, Mrs. Hateit!
Tobi: Totally awesome. Let's get outta here, quick! (all exit)
SCENE 10A: (Tony runs quietly past the doors and doctors, into a doo marked "Kennedy Lewis Psychiatric Ward". There is a large, cheery room where a few patients sit. One approaches Tony)
Patient: Thank goodness you're here! The soufflé is done, and the children are starving! (pulls him over to a corner where there are three pillows propped against the wall) You remember, the children, right? (motions towards the pillows) That's Alice, she's almost three months old, now.
Doctor: Jessica, darling, what are you doing? (a doctor approaches. Speaking to Tony.) So sorry about her. She tends to do this a lot. (leads him away) Who are you here to see?
Tony: Josie Turnip.
Doctor: Oh, that one. Her father brought her in just this morning. Apparently, she suffered the horrible loss of her brother, so all she does is call her brother's name "Tony! Tony!". She also likes to sing, something about birds, so the other patients are going nuts!
Tony: I'll try to talk some sense into her.
Doctor: No offense, but once people end up here, there's only a little you can do to help them. (leads him over to corner, where Josie is sitting on a folding chair, wearing a straightjacket. Singing softly) Josie, someone is here to see you!
Josie: Tony, you came back!
Doctor: No, sweetie, Tony is dead. This is…
Tony: Todd.
Doctor: This is Todd.
Josie: No, it's Tony!
Doctor: (sigh) I give up! (leaves)
Josie: I hoped you'd find me! (he hugs her)
Tony: It's all right, I'm here now. (helps her up) I'm gonna get you outta here. (they exit)
SCENE 10B: back at the hot dog shop, Mrs. H & Tobi sit in the living room.
Tobi: You did a good job back there…(hushed)mom.
Mrs. H: Thank you, Tobi. Wait…did you just call me "mom"?
Tobi: I'm sorry, it's just that, you're the only mom I've ever had.
Mrs. H: Oh, honey! (hugs him) You're like a son to me.
Tobi: Please, listen to me. I'll never let anything hurt you. Ever. There are bad people out there, and I don't want to see you get hurt.
Mrs. H: Aww, my very own knight in shining armor! And, to think, if we hadn't taken care of that Pirelle guy, we never would have had kept you.
Tobi: "Taken care of him?" What do you mean?
Mrs. H: (face falls) Nothing, nothing. Umm, listen, I have a surprise for you.
Tobi: (smiles) What?
Mrs. H: I know that you've been DYING to help me make the hot dog. How would you like to learn right now?
Tobi: That would only be the most awesome thing ever!
Mrs. H: Ok, let's go! (leads him to the basement kitchen.) Ok, here is the stove. You cook the hot dogs for fifteen minutes. (move to the right) Here, is the real beauty: the meat grinder. Put it through THREE times. That is what makes it so soft and easy to mold. Got that?
Tobi: Yes, mom. I promise, I won't let you down!
Mrs. H: You could never let me down, sweetie. Now, I'm going to go up to Mr. Sweeney and tell him you're here. I'll be right back. (starts for the door)
Tobi: Wait, what about the meat?
Mrs. H: You'll find it, don't worry. I'll see you later. (walks up to 1st floor, locks door, and runs to 2nd.)
Mrs. H: (bursts through the door to the hairstyling shop to find TS sitting on the chair, staring at the scissors) Todd, the kid knows.
TS: Knows what?
Mrs. H: He knows we're killing people and putting them into hot dog! I've him locked in the basement kitchen for now. We have to do something!
TS: Hmm…this could present a problem. (thinks for a minute. hears knock on downstairs door) You go see who that is, and then we'll figure out what to do with the boy.
Mrs. H: Ok…(goes downstairs. Mr. Beadle is there, waiting) Mr. Beadle, how nice to see ya! Come in!
Mr. B: Nice to see you, too. Listen, I was walking over to a friend's house, and I saw all this smoke coming from your house. People have been complaining about the smell, too. I was worried, so I came to…see how you are.
Mrs. H: That's very nice of you, Mr. Beadle. But, there's no need to worry, the smoke's coming from the kitchen.
Mr. B: Mind if I take a look? Just to be sure.
Mrs. H: Umm…it's terribly dirty, now. Had a really big dinner rush leave about half an hour ago. Why don't you go up and see Mr. Sweeney for a couppla minutes, while I clean up. Then, you can inspect away.
Mr. B: Ok, I will go see him. (walks upstairs. Enters room, just as TS puts scissors down)
TS: Ah, Mr. Beadle. Have a seat!
Mr. B: Thank you, I will. (sits) I was wondering about the smoke coming from your house, Mr. Sweeney.
TS: (unfolds scissors and approaches Mr. B from behind) Oh, that? It's probably nothing.
Mr. B: I know what you've been doing, Todd.
TS: Really? (slits throat) NOW YA DON'T! (throws body down chute)
SCENE 10C: in basement kitchen. Tobi sits almost under the chute. Mr. Beadle's body comes falling down)
Tobi: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! (looks at the body) YOU ARE SO NOT WHAT I WANNA BE PUTTING INTO HOT DOGS! (runs to a corner)
SCENE 10D: back in Todd's shop
Mrs. H: What are we gonna do about Tobi? The poor boy's probably traumatized!
TS: Let's discuss this downstairs. Tony and Josie are gonna be here soon.
(go downstairs to eating area. Tony and Josie come through the door)
Mrs. H: You made it!
Tony: Yeah, we did!
TS: (staring at Josie) Josie…
Josie: Dad… (they hug) I've missed you.
TS: I've missed you, too. (pull away. TS looks at her) You look so much like your mother.
(hear a sharp knock on the door)
TS: Go hide upstairs, both of you! (Tony & Josie run upstairs. Sweeney says to himself) That probably wasn't the best place to send them…
Tony: (runs with Josie into the hair salon. Opens closet) Quick, in here! (shoves Josie in. follows.)
Beggar: Oh, where is Mr. Beadle? He was here a minute ago.
TS: (enter) You! Get out!
Beggar: Not until I know Mr. Beadle is safe. He's one of my good friends, you see.
TS: (picks up scissors) Ah, well you can join him! (cuts throat & puts body down the chute. Josie, hearing the noise, watches from the keyhole. Sgt. enters)
Sgt: Where ARE they? Josie and that boy!
TS: I can assure you, Sgt. Turnip, that they are not here.
Sgt: I know you're LYING, Todd, and I intend to find Josie. She wasn't at the hospital, and I KNOW she's somewhere in here.
TS: Hospital, you say?
Sgt: Don't play dumb, Todd Sweeney!
TS: I'm sorry, I…ummm…can't help it. (bids him to sit) How 'bout I give you that haircut. Not to be unkind, but you kinda need it.
Sgt: I've got nothing better to do. (sits in chair. TS puts sheet over him and grabs scissors)
TS: So…where do ya think Josie got to?
Sgt: I really don't know. I mean, I'm sure she's pissed that I put her in the hospital and tried to marry her, but it was in her best interest.
TS: I agree.
Sgt: I mean, things wouldn't be THAT much different between Josie and I. Sure, there'd be the wedding, and the ring, and that night we'd…
TS: Ok, I get the picture!
Sgt: Sorry…got a little ahead of myself…
TS: Ah, pre-wedding jitters. I understand completely. Ya know, before my wedding, I couldn't eat anything the color green.
Sgt: You're a weird one, Todd Sweeney.
TS: Benny Marker. My name is Benny Marker.
Sgt: Marker?
TS: Yes, surely you remember my wife, Lisa?
Sgt: Lisa…
TS: Yes, thought you got rid of me, huh? Well, I came back! Face it, I'm like the gum on the bottom of your shoe!
Sgt: Oh, SNAP, this isn't good!
TS: No it's very good! (slashes throat and stabs him a couple of times. The Sgt. lives.)
Sgt: I'm not dead yet.
(TS slashes throat a few more times)
TS: How about now?
Sgt: Negative.
(TS goes into a slashing frenzy)
Sgt: (singing) I'm not dead yet, I'm not dead yet, I'm not yet dead!
TS: (between cuts) WHY…WON'T…YOU…DIE!?!
Sgt: I don't know, it's kinda weird.
TS: Well…you're gonna go down the chute, anyways. You have to die sooner or later. (Throws body down the chute. To scissors) Good effort, guys.
(Tony and Josie come out of the closet and walk towards TS)
Josie: You killed the Sarge? (TS nods) Thank you so much!
TS: It was my pleasure, trust me. Not to be rude, but leave here, and never come back. Josie…forgive me.
Josie: I do, dad. (Tony & Josie exit)
TS: (remembers Tobi) Wait, Tobi's still down there! Oh, not good! (exits, running)
SCENE 10E: back in the basement kitchen
Tobi: (hugging knees and rocking back and forth) People in hot dog, people in hot dog, people in hot dog…(Sgt's body comes down the chute)
Sgt: Ouch!
Tobi: OH, GREAT, MORE OF 'EM!
Sgt: I'm not dead.
Tobi: Oh…AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
Sgt: Hahahahahha, you have a girly scream!
Tobi: (mimicking) Hahahahahahahaha, you're half-dead!
Sgt: TOUCHÉ!
Tobi: Eww. Tony was right. You DO put that creepy emphasis on words!
Sgt: So?
Tobi: It's WEIRD!
Sgt: You just did it.
Tobi: Oh, shut up! And stop bleedin' all over the place. We have health regulations here!
Sgt: Oh, EXCUSE ME, I just had my throat slashed a cupola times.
Tobi: (grabs a rag from the counter) Here, have a dishrag. It'll help.
Sgt: (takes dishrag and holds it to his throat, trying to stop the blood flow) Thanks.
Tobi: So…whadda we do now?
Sgt: I dunno. I guess I keep bleeding and you TREMBLE in the corner and wait here for Sweeney or the hot dog lady to get here.
Tobi: I see.
(momentary silence)
Sgt: OR, I have some playing cards in my coat pocket.
Tobi: (determined) Oh, it's so on.
(Mrs. H comes down steps.)
(Sgt. deals out the cards. They look at them for a while, then discard, and get new.)
Sgt: 'Kay? You ready?
Tobi: Yep.
Sgt: I got a three sixes. You?
Tobi: Straight-flush!
Sgt: You cheated!
Tobi: Nuh-uh!
Sgt: Yeah-huh!
Mrs. H: Tobi, you shouldn't hustle strangers. It isn't nice.
Tobi: No, she's not gonna get me, too! (runs and hides behind a stack of crates)
Mrs. H: Tobi, darling, don't be afraid! They're only dead people! (sees Sgt, he crawls towards her) Ewwww, you're not dead!
Sgt: Duh! HELP ME! I'VE KINDA BEEN BLEEDING PROFUSELY FOR FIVE MINUTES! (grabs at her)
Mrs. H: Ok. (kicking at him) DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE!
Sgt: Ouch! You wear pointy shoes! Whoa…I feel kinda dizzy. Faint-ish. Sorta like that time in Chicago when…(Sgt falls to the ground, dead)
Mrs. H: Now that he's outta the way…(sees Beggar's body) Oh, dear, another one. (looks at face, recognizes it) I know this face…Holy Cow, it's Lisa Marker! Todd can't see this! (tries to drag body away. TS come running)
TS: Where's the boy?
Mrs. H: No clue.
******************************************************************************
ENDING 2:
TS: Umm…we'll find him eventually. So, my victims include…
Mrs. H: (sounding game-show like) An annoying Wall Street socialite, the sinister head of the NYPD, and…some…homeless woman.
Beggar: Psst! Guys, I'm kinda not dead.
TS: Say what?
Beggar: Oh, sure, Todd, you love your wife SO much and you would do ANYTHING to have her back! Well, I come back, and ya try to kill me! 'Sup with that?
TS: Uhhhh…I…love you…bunches?
Beggar: And what's with the (points to Mrs. H) Hot dog Nazi? You left me for her?
Mrs. H: Uh-huh! 'Cause I'm smexxi!
Beggar: Whatever! Benny, we are SO through! (begins to storm out. Stops) By the way, you've really gotta work on your aim with those scissors. You missed my throat by a longshot! (goes over to Sgt., nudges him with foot) Hey, dude, are you dead yet? (Sgt. doesn't move) Ok, Todd, you were lucky with him. VERY, very lucky. (storms out)
Mrs. H: Todd…I'm sorry. (hugs him) You poor thing!
TS: (hugs her back) Yeah, it kinda sucks. But, I still have you.
Mrs. H: Yeah, I'll always be here when ya need to slit a couppla throats and get rid of the bodies!
TS: Mmm-hmmm, which is why I think we should move to that house by the ocean, like ya said earlier. Tobi would like it.
Mrs. H: You mean it? You actually took me seriously?
TS: You sang about it. When someone sings about somethin', they're pretty serious.
Mrs. H: Yayness!
(Tobi enters)
Tobi: People in hot dog, people in hot dog, people in hot dog.
Mrs. H: Oh, sweetie pie! (runs over and hugs him) We didn't mean to scare you!
Tobi: They're in the hot dog…they're in the hot dog…they're in the hot dog…
Mrs. H: Look what we've done to the poor kid!
TS: Let me take a whack at this! (pulls Tobi away from Mrs. H, kneels down to his height, & holds Tobi's hands in his) Tobi. (Tobi doesn't make eye contact) Tobi! (Tobi jumps a bit and looks at TS) There ya go. Listen, I want you to hold on to these. (holds up bloodied scissors) What Mrs. Hateit and I did wasn't that nice…
Mrs. H: More like maniacally evil.
TS: …and I want you to make sure it doesn't happen again.
Tobi: What exactly did you guys do?
Mrs. H: I'll give you the SparkNotes version. We plotted revenge against Sgt. Turnip, practiced the art of murder on our customers…
Tobi: I didn't know murder was a form of art.
Mrs. H: Well, it is. And, to get rid of the bodies, we put them into hot dogs.
Tobi: Wow…you guys are messed up!
TS: Yeah, but we're messed up together!
Tobi: True. So, what now? I mean, you got your revenge, your daughter ran off to Philly, and we obviously can't stay here.
Mrs. H: Mr. Sweeney and I plan to move to New Jersey and live by the ocean.
Tobi: What about me?
TS: What, do ya think we're leavin' ya behind? Not a chance!
Mrs. H: Then, I guess Mr. Sweeney and I will get married or somethin'.
TS: "Or somethin'"? What else is there?
Mrs. H: Scratch that, Mr. Sweeney and I WILL get married…YAY!... and adopt you, so we can be a family! A normal, functional family!
TS: Yes, a normal, functional family that kills customers, puts them in hot dog, and sells them to the masses! Now, THAT'S what I call 'family time'!
Tobi: Jerry Springer must be so proud.
Mrs. H: (looking at the bodies of Sgt. & Mr. B) I kinda feel bad for 'em.
TS: Who? Those guys? They're DEAD, ok! You should be used to this by now.
Tobi: Why don't'cha make one last batch of hot dog, for old time's sake?
Mrs. H: (looks at watch) Nothin' like whippin' up some evil-flavored hot dogs at two AM. Come on, Tobi, you can help.
Tobi: Fine, but that isn't getting' anywhere NEAR my mouth!
Mrs. H: It doesn't have to. Todd, you can help, too…if ya want.
TS: No thanks, I'll just wait here. (leans against a wall & stares at hands. They are covered in blood. His face falls. Josie enters & sneaks up behind TS and puts her hand softly on his shoulder.)
Josie: …Dad?
TS: (feels her hand. Puts his on top of hers) Josie? (turns around)
Josie: Hi, dad.
TS: Hi. Not to be rude, but why aren't you in Philly yet? Did that Tony kid die or somethin'? (sees bodies on the floor) No pun intended.
Josie: No, he's upstairs, crashed on the sofa. So, I decided to come down and see what ya were doin'.
TS: Oh, well, that was nice. (silence)
Josie: Listen, I've wanted to meet you for so long, and now I have, and I…don't know what to say. You're so different than I imagined. When I was little, I used to dream that you and mom were happy, normal people who just…misplaced their daughter. Like, I got lost in the mall one day. I dreamed that you would come steal me in the middle of the night and take me home one day. We would live in a nice house with poppies planted in the windowboxes. But, the Sarge told me differently…
TS: What did he tell you?
Josie: He told me you were some drunk who practically begged for him to take him off your hands. That you used to live in some old, beat up shack and didn't bother to take care of my mother and I. That, when he found me, I was so sick and weak that I could barely lift my arm. He told me that you were on the verge of suicide and that you threatened to kill my mother if I kept crying in the middle of the night. He made you a monster from the beginning of my childhood, to keep me from looking for you. Still, late at night, I would sit up in bed and dream of the father who would take me away someday.
TS: Your mother, what did she say about her?
Josie: He never really told me about mom. Didn't really like to talk about her that much, I guess. He would always say that she was beautiful, a good fuck, and then go off on another subject. Was she beautiful, dad, was she?
TS: Oh, yes, so very, very beautiful. She had hair like yours, eyes the color of the ocean- that bluish-greenish-grayish color –and everything she touched shone like she did.
Josie: How did she die?
TS: Define 'die'.
Josie: You mean she's alive!?
TS: Kinda. After you were stolen by the Sarge, she poisoned herself. Until about fifteen minutes ago, I thought she died, too. Turns out she was that crazy beggar woman who used to hang out in front of the shop. Who knew?
Josie: Can I meet her?
TS: Ummm…no. Ya see, a funny thing happened. I made a living slitting throats and putting dead people into hot dog, so I accidentally…tried to kill your mother. (Josie looks shocked) No, I didn't know it was her! She didn't die, though, but left me and well…yeah. It wasn't pretty. She's developed some mental issues over the years, so, she might not even remember you. She didn't remember me until a minute ago!
Josie: Oh…that's…horrible.
TS: Not really. I've got Mrs. Hateit and Tobi and you and Tony. That's four more people than Britney Spears has.
Josie: I can't agree more.
TS: We're gonna move to Jersey and open a hot dog shop- just for the record, no, we're not gonna kill people and put them into the hot dog anymore- and, where was I? Hmm…wait…I've got this one…oh, and we would like to know if you and Tony would want to come with us.
Josie: Why not? Philly isn't that great, anyways.
TS: What about South Street? It's where I met your mom. South Street is the awesomerest!
Josie: I'm not sure 'awesomerest' is a real word.
TS: Yeah, well I'm gonna make it one! So, you'll come?
Josie: Yep.
TS: Yayness! (yelling to Mrs. H & Tobi) Hey, guys, Josie and Tony are in, too!
Tobi: Schweet!
Mrs. H: I mean this in the nicest way possible when I say: finally, I won't be the only female puttin' up with these guys anymore!
TS: There's a way to look at it.
Josie: I'm gonna go wake Tony and tell him we're comin' with you. See ya later. (exits)
Mrs. H: (walking over to TS, but yelling to Tobi) So, how is she?
TS: Josie? Oh, she's good. She's been lied to for so many years.
Mrs. H: Josie's a smart girl; she wouldn't buy any of the stuff the Sarge told her if she didn't think it was true. You're a good guy, Todd. A serial killer, but a good guy.
TS: Yeah, but I still don't know if she trusts me. Of course, for sixteen years, I've been made a horrible, horrible person by what he's told her.
Mrs. H: If she didn't trust you, then she wouldn't be comin' with us to Jersey.
TS: But, what if I really am that terrible person?
Mrs. H: You're not! What about all those good things you've done over the years?
TS: Well, I DID help rebuild that school…
Mrs. H: Yeah!
TS: And, I volunteered at the soup kitchen…
Mrs. H: That's good.
TS: And, I told that guy to have a nice day!
Mrs. H: That works! See, there is a heart under that murderous exterior! She does like ya, Todd.
TS: Yeah, well, maybe you're right.
Mrs. H: Maybe? MAYBE!? (slaps him across the face) Now YOU listen up, mister! I am SO RIGHT it makes LEFT cease to exist! I am the Epitome of Rightness, the Peak of Correctness! I'm righter than the rightest right person in the world! And, don't you even THINK of saying otherwise!
TS: Have you had anything to drink recently? You shouldn't do that while the kid's with us.
Mrs. H: Oh, shut up! I'm not drunk, I'm just SO RIGHT!
Tobi: (enters) Mom, the hot dogs are ready!
Mrs. H: Ooh, thanks for remembering. I'm coming! (both exit)
(TS is left alone)
TS: Well…I'm bored. (begins whistling) Nope, still bored. (singing) 99 tasty meat pies on the wall, 99 tasty meat pies. You eat one up and somebody dies, 98 tasty meat pies on the wall…
END SCENE 2: Mrs. H and Tobi are cooking
Tobi: How's Mr. Sweeney? He sounded kinda sad.
Mrs. H: Well, a lot's happened to Mr. Sweeney today. But, don't worry about him, he'll be fine.
Tobi: Did I do anything to make him sad?
Mrs. H: No, no, sweetheart! You're helping Mr. Sweeney so much. Like holdin' onto those scissors, for one. He must really trust you.
Tobi: I guess he does.
Tobi: Do you feel bad about it? The killin' and everything. Do you feel guilt?
Mrs. H: Well, YEAH! Think, if you killed a buncha people for no good reason, would you feel guitly?
Tobi: Just makin' sure.
Mrs. H: Ok, darlin'. Keep doin' what you're doin' until it looks good, and turn everythin' off.
Tobi: I'll do that. (Mrs. H exits. Returns to TS)
TS: …62 tasty meat pies on the wall…
Mrs. H: Mr. Sweeney?
TS: Shh, let me finish this verse. (sing) 62 tasty meat pies.
Mrs. H: Todd…
TS: No, no, not now. Sing first.
Mrs. H: Ugh, fine!
TS/Mrs. H: You eat one up and somebody dies, 61 tasty meat pies on the wall.
TS: See, wasn't that fun!?
Mrs. H: Sure, whatever. Listen, we need to get outta here really soon, so I wanted to let you know that I'm gonna go pack our stuff.
TS: Ok…bye. (Mrs. H leaves. pause) Well, I'm bored again. (another pause) I'm gonna go bother Tobi. (goes over to Tobi) BOTHER!BOTHER!BOTHER!BOTHER!
Tobi: Hey, you stole that from the Potter Puppet Pals!
TS: So? (pause) Hey, wake up Tony, get Josie, get your stuff, and be ready to leave soon.
Tobi: (turning off the stove) Ok, Mr. Sweeney. (leaves)
TS: That was short-lived.
Mrs H: (enter) Hey, Todd!
TS: Hey, Mrs. H, long time, no see! What's it been, like, two minutes?
Mrs. H: Seriously! So, are we leavin' or not?
TS: Ah, we've got a cuppola minutes! Wait, maybe not. We want to be in Jersey by seven-thirty. So, we should probably get out of here (checks watch) right…about…now.
Mrs. H: Why?
TS: Well, let's see……oh, I remember! WE'RE MURDERERS ON THE LAM FROM THE COPS!!! (stops yelling. sheepishly) I'm guessing that wasn't the best thing to yell into the sky.
Mrs. H: Yell that a little louder, why don't ya? I think there are a few people in Siberia who didn't hear you!
TS: And that's my cue to exit stage left. (exits stage left)
Mrs. H: OH NO HE DIDN'T!!! He did not just leave me alone here! If he left me here to go down with the cops, then I'm SO dragging him down with me!! Wait up, Todd!
TS's voice: Will you shut up for once and get in the car already!! I've got Tony, Josie, and Tobi in here!
Mrs. H: I'M COMING!!!!! (exits. Pause for a moment. Comes running back in and grabs a large pot from the stove) Wait, I forgot the hot dogs! Todd would KILL me if I did that! (thinks for a moment) No pun intended. (rushes off)
FIN
47