THE FUTILE FRONTIER

Shayna Henckel

SCENE ONE: Sickbay on the Enterprise-D

Beverly: All right, Worf, everything's going to be okay. Do you know where you are?

Worf: I am…on the…Enterprise. I am in sickbay. I was…injured…during the bat'leth competition on Q'onos.

Beverly: That's right. Dr. Selar is going to attend to you.

Selar in typical Vulcan monotone: I am going to run a multi-bio-spectral analysis.

Data: Whatever the hell that means.

Beverly: looks strangely at Data but doesn't comment

Worf: looks strangely at Selar K'Ehleyr? Is that you? kisses her

Data: cheers loudly

Selar: wipes mouth, deadpan That was highly illogical.

Worf: But…K'Ehleyr…what has happened to you? Have you seen Alexander?

Selar: Your son is in the schoolroom, I believe.

Worf: But…I am sure you are K'Ehleyr…

Selar: That is fascinating. Now—

Worf: My…our son…

Selar: Our son? dropping Vulcan pretense Our son? Ew! Like I would ever mate with a Klingon!

Worf: screams in frustration

Data: Like, dude, you don't have to blow the Jeffrey's tubes!

Worf: Huh?

Wesley: walks in, limping Hi mom, I just…ooh, ouch…just got injured.

Beverly: Oh, what's wrong, sugar-bunny?

Wesley: glares sullenly I hate it when you call me that in public.

Beverly: I'm sorry, sugar-bunny. Are you all right?

Wesley: Well duh I'm not all right. I'm limping! Didn't you read the script?

Beverly: looks confused Script?

Wesley: Yeah it said "Walks in, limping" and then—oh, never mind.

Beverly: What's wrong?

Wesley: You don't have very imaginative lines, do you, mom? I just…got injured. looks uncomfortable

Beverly: fixes him with trademarked "mom tractor-beam glare" How?

Wesley: Okay, see, it's like this. I was in the turbolift, and, uh, gravity failed. Yeah.

Beverly: skeptically And you injured your leg?

Wesley: I'm not finished. So then Q appears, and he, uh, did something to the turbolift, and Deanna says—

Beverly: Wait a minute. Counselor Troi was with you?

Wesley: Uh, yeah. So then she says—

Selar: WILL YOU GET THIS KLINGON AWAY FROM ME!

Worf: chasing her around sickbay and knocking over irreplaceable medical instruments in the process K'Ehleyr! Listen to me!

Selar: SECURITY!

Worf: I am security!

Selar: $&&!

Wesley: Wow.

Data: circuits overload

Beverly: Doctor Selar! You will not use language like that in front of my son!

Selar: GET HIM OFF ME!

Beverly: My son is nowhere near you!

Selar: I QUIT! I'm going to go join the Maquis!

Beverly: Please continue your story, sugar-bunny.

Wesley: So then Deanna says, "Computer, carry out alpha-alpha-one-nine-Troi-blue", or something like that, and Q, like, dies or something. Then the computer says, "Download complete." And Deanna goes, like, out of the blue, "Mother?" And the computer says, "Little one?" And then—

sfx: red alert siren

Beverly: Oh no! I've got to get to engineering!

Wesley: No, mom! You have to get to the bridge! The part with engineering is in scene three!

Beverly: consults script Oh yes, you're right. Thank you, you just saved me a lot of embarrassment. I could have walked right onto the wrong stage. I wonder why I have to go to the bridge?

SCENE TWO: The Bridge

Geordi: Borg ship decloaking off port bow!
Picard: Wait a minute. Since when do Borg ships have cloaks?

Riker: Stop it, Jean-Luc. You're ruining the play. It's supposed to be a comedy.

Picard: Oh, sorry. My mistake.

Borg: CHEESE!

Geordi: Not again! Computer, what is the status of our phaser banks?

Computer: Phasers are offline.

Deanna: That's my mom!

Beverly: comes rushing in Sorry, I know I missed my cue! Where are we?

Riker: The part where Deanna says "That's my mom." Then you come rushing in and say, "Sorry, I know I missed my cue, where are we" and then I say, "The part where—"

Picard: hastily All right, all right. It's not a big deal. I missed my cue too, and then—

Q: You missed your what?

Riker: giggles Oh, I get it! Cue, Q! Hee hee!

Picard: glares at him Q, would you care for some cheese?

Q: Why thank you, Jean-Luc, I'd love some.

Picard: Wait a moment…I put some in my pocket earlier…

Riker: That was your dress uniform.

Picard: Oh yes. You have the bridge, Number Two. Q and I will be in my ready room, eating cheese and doing a few other things.

Beverly: Wait just a gosh-darned minute. Wesley said you died.

Q: innocently Who, me? Funny. I was under the impression that I was immortal.

Picard: So was I.

Q: And besides, do I look dead to you?

Beverly: Well…no.

Q: Then your son must be a liar. I'll see you later, after we—

Picard: Eat our cheese.

Q: Yes. Eat our cheese.

Picard: Perhaps we should invite the Borg along? They seem fond of cheese as well.

Q: Somehow, I think it would ruin the atmosphere.

Picard: Maybe you're right. And besides, the Borg aren't nearly as good as you at—

Q: Eating cheese.

Picard: Yes. Eating cheese.

Geordi: Sir, do you really think you should abandon the bridge at a time like this?

Picard: It's my ship! I can do what I want!

Q: Come on then! Let's go!

Riker: Yeah, go away so I can be in charge.

Picard: glances at Q Very well. Geordi, because of your protests, you are banished from the bridge.

Geordi: But sir, I'm needed here, there's—

Picard: Go to sickbay.

Beverly: That's not fair! Sickbay is MY place!

Picard: Then you can go to engineering. Go on, shoo!

Beverly: Fine. stomps off in a huff

Geordi: Whatever. stomps off in a huff

Picard and Q: go off to ready room, not stomping and not at all in any sort of huffs

SCENE THREE: Engineering

Beverly: Is that the warp core? Can I open it? The antimatter looks squishy like silly putty.

Barclay: No! Don't touch that! You'll blow up the whole damn ship!
Beverly: Well, excuse me for saying the lines I was assigned!

Barclay: Look, lady, what are you in here for?

Beverly: Picard sent me.

Barclay: I think I'll check up on that. Barclay to Picard!

long pause

Picard: Picard here.

Barclay: grumpily What took you so long?

Picard: I was eating cheese.

Barclay: Oh. Did you send Doctor Crusher down here?

Picard: Yes I did.

Barclay: Oh. Okay then. Bye. Enjoy your cheese.

Picard: Oh, I will. Picard out.

Barclay: hums some weird song from the twentieth century while doing whatever random thing it is engineers do when they're not working on the warp core or plasma conduits or trying to raise shields or maximize warp capability or whatever other damn thing

Beverly: What's that song you're humming?

Barclay: Didn't you read the script?

Beverly: It just says "some weird song from the twentieth century".

Barclay: Oh. It's the theme song from "Star Trek: The Next Generation".

Beverly: I LOVE that show! Wanna come to my quarters and watch?

Barclay: Sure! I'm not doing anything important. Just rerouting the main deflector dish and trying to get the phasers online.

Beverly: Come on then! I've got this really cool episode. It's called "Hollow Pursuits".

Barclay: I…don't think I've seen that one.

Beverly: Oh, you'll love it. It's one of my favorites. Let's go!

SCENE FOUR: Sickbay

Geordi: Data! What happened to you? Why are you lying on the floor?

Data: Selar said something really cool.

Geordi: What did she say?

Data: repeats it

Geordi: Oh my God!

Data: I know. My circuits overloaded. But it was worth it!

Geordi: Where is Doctor Selar anyway?

Data: She left to join the Maquis.

Geordi: Oh. And where's Worf? He wasn't on the bridge.

Data: Oh, off sulking somewhere. He'll get over it.

Geordi: Over what?
Worf: gives Klingon death scream that sounds like a half-dead vulture and plunges a bat'leth through his gut

Data: Oops. Guess I was wrong.

Geordi: We are in sickbay. Can't we do something?
Data: Why bother? I never liked him anyway.

Geordi: Good point. You just can't really like a Klingon.

Data: I know. For once I agree with the Romulans.

SCENE FIVE: The Bridge

Riker: Shields up!

Wesley: Shields are offline, sir.

Riker: Lock on phasers!
Wesley: Phasers are offline, sir. So are photon torpedoes.

Riker: Dammit. Let's get the hell out of here.

Wesley: Um, warp drive is offline.

Riker: Dammit! Full impulse.

Wesley: Sir, impulse engines are—

Picard and Q: reenter bridge

Picard: straightens uniform top

Riker: Thank God! Now it's no longer my responsibility if the Enterprise is destroyed!

Deanna: Which it will be, judging from the circumstances. Did you enjoy your cheese?

Picard: Very much, thank you, Counselor.

Q: I'd never tasted Earth cheese before.

Deanna: Did you like it?

Q: It was...hell, for the first time in a century, I actually enjoyed something.

Picard: A whole century? WOWWWW…

Q: Tell me about it.

Wesley: How long is a century?

Q: Too long. Actually, on second thought, it's not very long at all, but considering the circumstances…it's a little sad.

Wesley: Whatever.

Riker: We've been sitting here talking for, like, three pages. Isn't it a little weird that we haven't been fired on yet?

Deanna: Oh, shut up, Will. You know, Q, I like Earth cheese too. It's my favorite kind. So far. I haven't tasted all the types of cheese in the galaxy yet.

Q: I have.

Picard: You…you have?

Q: Of course. I am immortal.

Picard: Yes…but all the types of cheese? I mean, all of them?

Q: Yes! I just said that! Why do you keep asking me?

Picard: It's just…I didn't expect…I haven't tasted that many types of cheese at all. Hardly any, when you come right down to it.

Q: Well, you'd better get moving then. It's your loss.

Picard: But I…But you…

Q: Humans. They're all the same.

Picard: You don't really mean that!

Q: Well, not exactly the same. But—

Wesley: Why are we standing on the bridge discussing cheese when there's a Borg ship that could fire on us at any moment and we don't have shields, weapons, or moveability?

Riker: You'll understand when you're older.

Wesley: If I live that long.

Deanna: Wes is right. Is anyone working on that stuff in engineering?

Riker: Yeah, Barclay's down there doing it.

Deanna: sincerely Oh, Barclay. I feel so much safer knowing he's on the job.

SCENE SIX: Beverly's Quarters

Beverly: Okay, let me find that DVD. I ordered all seven seasons from FedEx at a discount—only 600 credits.

Barclay: Don't you just love a bargain?

Beverly: Oh, yes. And FedEx has so many good ones.

Barclay: Then again, you get what you pay for.

Beverly: Are you implying that I—

Barclay: I'm not implying anything. I'm just saying my lines.

Beverly: Well, so am I! There's no need to get all mad about it!
Barclay: Okay, okay. Look, here's the disk. It was under the couch all along. A little dusty, but I'm sure it will still play.

Beverly: Wesley must have put it there.

Barclay: Wow, this is a big dust bunny.

Beverly: Oh no.

Barclay: What?

Beverly: That's not a dust bunny. That's a tribble.