Never Will Be
by AshLight
Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to J.K.Rowling. I am not J.K.Rowling. You work it out.
A/N: Oh, Dear Lord. I should not attempt to write fanfiction when I have a bad cold.'Tis just...odd. And strange. You may be a bit worried when you read this. Don't worry. So am I.
Anyway...Lily Evans was a popular girl. I reckon that more than one Marauder loved her. And I think it's obvious who this one is.
Oh, just work it out, will you?
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I have to tell myself that nothing will happen.
It won't be. You won't turn around. You won't stop. You won't look at me. You won't smile.
Don't you think I notice? Don't you think I can't tell, that little look you sometimes cast in my direction. The flick of bright green eyes (green as a fresh pickled toad, James tells us privately), flicked once, up and down. There's pity there, as plain as plain can be, but there's something else, hard, pale, jade-like. A slight revulsion, an anxious shudder, a sudden desire to move away. And you think I don't see.
I hate it when you do that. I sometimes want to step out in front of you and scream 'I'M HERE, ALRIGHT? YOU CAN MOCK ME AS MUCH AS YOU WANT, LILLY EVANS, RIP MY HEART INTO A THOUSAND PIECES BUT DON'T PRETEND I DON'T EXIST! DON'T BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, PLEASE!'
Alright, alright, I admit it. I love you. There. It wasn't that hard, was it? God knows, I think it as often as I can, feeling the words thudding in my heart, along my veins, IloveLilyEvansIloveLilyEvansIloveLilyEvans. I've loved you ever since first year, ever since you've been able to answer every question a teacher's put to you, ever since you've been able to get top marks in every test we've ever been set. I've been in love with you ever since that Charms lesson, when an eleven year old James leaned over and muttered the first of many sweet nothings in your ear.
You whirled around and hit him with a hex. He was in the Hospital Wing for three days with that.
I swear I laughed for an hour at that.
I know you used to dislike me. Think me immature, annoying. But that was all of us. You know it was all of us, and I know you know it. I know you used to dislike all of us. Remus, Peter, Sirius and James. I know you think we were trouble-makers, rebels, bullies, stirrers. I know that. I know we've created a lot of enemies in this school, Lilly, but God, it's been worth it. You have no idea. The image of Snape blasting me halfway across a room is nothing compared to the memory his hair suddenly turning the most marvellous shade of pink. Lucius Malfoy's insults and dark threats don't seem half as bad when I remember his face when we won the Quiddich Cup. Yes, everything they've ever done to me can be countered with a good prank or a great victory.
Except for you. That cold jade-look you give me can never be washed away.
You don't mean it. I can tell that much. You're kind, good hearted. You help me, stick up for me, won't let anyone treat me badly. I remember you standing by me, weeks before our seventh-year Yule Ball, staring critically at the girls passing me by.
"No," You'd say decidedly, "No, that one won't do. She'll break your heart. And that one over there, she's a right scarlet woman. I'll find you a good date, I promise. No halfway mark will spoil your evening, I'm telling you that."
How could you have known that the one girl I wanted to go with was standing right next to me?
You found me a girl, like you promised. Hestia Jones. She was really nice. She didn't might my constant stuttering, or my anxious grins, of the fact that I managed to step on her toes a grand total of seven times. She said I was sweet. Yeah, she was nice. But that was all she was. Nice.
You went with James, of course. Danced all evening, arms wrapped around each other, the glittering decorations dimmed by the looks on your faces, eyes only for each other. Hestia was too busy smiling reassuringly (and nicely) at me to notice where my eyes were pointed at.
You. Of course. And James.
I'm jealous of him. Hell yeah, we're at the admitting stage, why don't I share that with you while I'm at it. I am goddamn jealous of your boyfriend. I'm the green eyed monster. I know, not really my scene, is it? Not what anyone would really think, anyway. I'm too timid to be haltingly, fiercely, passionately jealous of him. But yeah, I am. Sometimes I hate him so much it hurts. Sometimes I feel like he's stabbed a knife it my gut, it hurts so much. Sometimes I feel I have to hurt him, or else. Or else I'd have to do something so drastic, I might kill myself.
I won't, thought, you needn't worry about that. I'll smile, nicely, and laugh at all his jokes, and side with him in every argument that you two have, because that's the way it's meant to be. I'll share tired glances with you, I'll shrug apologetically when James isn't looking. I'll watch as you get married, I'll duck comically as you throw the bouquet, I'll probably get drunk at the reception. I'll arrive at the hospital just in time to see your first born, I'll hold him, gingerly, and wonder, is this devil spawn or an angel child? I'll be at the christening, I'll give you presents, I'll watch as he grows. I'll admire the way he's like James, and yet like you. I'll get him something as he goes to Hogwarts, I'll wish him luck, I'll tell him to hope he's in Gryffindor. I'll pray that he's more like James than me, because God knows, he'll need it.
I won't do anything to harm you and your family, Lily, don't worry. I'll be strong. Dark times are coming, and some of us will die, but I won't let you, or the Potters die. I'll be stronger than that. I won't turn traitor, and I won't betray you. No matter what, no matter what happens, whether they capture me and threaten me and torture me to the point of insanity, I won't break, no matter what happens.
I don't care what my Animagus is. I'm not a dirty, betraying rat, Lily. And I never will be.