Who You Want To Be

Max

Max didn't like the room that they were in. He was staring at the cheerful blue walls that he supposed were meant to be soothing, but it was just annoying him. Maybe it was the fact that there were no pictures or anything. The room was clearly thrown together very quickly, with a desk, a chair, and two couches separated by a small table.

He was sitting on one couch, a middle-aged man with a receding hairline and glasses was sitting on the one opposite him. He had a clipboard in front of him, a pen pressed to it. Maybe that was what threw Max off so much.

"Welcome, Max. My name is Dr. Jones. I'm going to be working with you until we both feel like you don't need to visit me anymore." He smiled warmly, brown eyes positively twinkling.

"You work for the Pokémon League, right?" Max said, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose slightly.

This seemed to startle Dr. Jones a bit. "What makes you say that?" Max stared at him and he sighed. "Yes. I do. You seem suspicious."

"Well, the Pokémon League did lie about the part they played in saving the world," the young boy pointed out.

Dr. Jones sighed and said, "I suppose they did. Tell me about that. About anything you think or feel about what happened. Any topic you would like to breech."

Max let his lips and narrowed his eyes slightly before looking away and shrugging his shoulders. "What's to say? I was in a G-Men base for nearly the entire thing."

"Alright, lets start there. What was that like?"

Tilting his head slightly, Max thought for a moment. He weighed his options, knowing that it would be good to share his thoughts, but also not wanting to talk to someone from the Pokémon League. It was a matter of pride, which he quickly realized was stupid.

"It was…frustrating. I wanted to help, but they treated me like a little kid the whole time." Max shook his head. "I know I'm young, but I have friends that faced worse at my age." Realizing what he said, Max sped up his speech. "I mean, I know I'm different from my older friends, I get that, but still!"

"You feel like someone else wouldn't have been held back?" Dr. Jones offered.

Max looked at him thoughtfully, and slowly nodded his head.

…

Excitement practically crackled in the air, and it was positively contagious. Max found himself sitting on the edge of his seat, despite the fact that the battle below hadn't started yet.

Though he had watched many different League Tournaments on television, had seen a few live, and had participated in one himself, it was still a thrill to be sitting amongst the spectators at the Indigo Plateau. There was something about being in the birth place of the Pokémon League that added to the mystic of the place to Max. This was where it had all began.

It was the first of the League Tournaments that year. After months of rebuilding and hard work, it was nice for everyone to kick back and be entertained. Max had to give it to Red, Lance, and everyone else, they made the right choice to go ahead with the tournament.

He just didn't agree with anything else that they did.

"There he is!" Bonnie grabbed his shoulder and shook it excitedly, almost knocking Max's glasses off in the process. She pointed with her free hand, nearly hitting her brother in the face, as she pointed across the grassy arena.

Max straightened his glasses and leaned forward, grinning as he saw Ash walk out onto one of the trainer stands, a rather young trainer walking onto the other one. The boy, who had to be around Max's age, stared at Ash before a determined expression danced across his face. Max smiled slightly and shook his head. "That kid has no idea what's about to happen."

"Did Ash say what Pokémon he was using?" May asked eagerly as she leaned forward, blue eyes darting from one end of the field to the other.

"It won't matter," Max said objectively. "Not only is it a three-on-three battle, and on a grass field, but Ash has years more experience. He probably won't even need to switch Pokémon once." He knew Ash's battling style, and while Ash's choices of Pokémon were normally pretty easy to predict, his battle tactics were anything but.

"Welcome to this first round match of the Indigo Plateau Conference! This battle is between the green trainer, Ryan Davison of Saffron City, and the red trainer, Ash Ketchum of Pallet Town!" Max noted that more people seemed to be cheering for Ash, but that didn't really surprise him. Ash made friends all over the world, after all.

He also noticed the way Ash's face twitch when he was called 'the red trainer' and knew exactly what that meant. Pikachu seemed to as well, since he patted Ash's cheek encouragingly.

"This is a three-on-three match on the grass arena! If your Pokémon is unable to battle, or refuses to, the battle goes to your opponent. You cannot recall a Pokémon once it has been removed from the field. Do the trainers understand the rules?" Both Ash and Ryan nodded. "Trainers, select your first Pokémon!"

The staggering difference between the two Pokémon almost made Max laugh. Ryan's Poliwrath was obviously well-trained, judging from its size and shine. Misty positively swooned over it a couple seats away from him. Ash's Bulbasaur, on the other hand, was rather small and unassuming.

Judging from the cocky smile on Ryan's face, Max realized that he was making his first error: assuming that an unevolved Pokémon was weak. From the look on Ash's face, he seemed to realize this as well.

"He's going to destroy him," Brock said from somewhere behind Max.

He couldn't agree more.

…

"Isn't this really cute, Drew?"

Max groaned internally, and looked up as his sister bounced towards the green-haired trainer. Drew looked up from where he was sweeping, raising an eyebrow at the plush Ralts in her hands. Max got the distinct feeling that he was wondering why May wasn't helping clean up the gym like the rest of them were. It was on his mind too.

Drew visibly rolled his eyes. "Aren't you supposed to be helping?"

Max eyed the two of them curiously, watching as May shoved the plush into Drew's face. He scowled at her and batted it away, and started to wobble a bit. A grimace flashed across his features, and May dropped the plush, putting her hands on his shoulders as a worried expression appeared on her face.

She muttered something Max couldn't hear, but Drew just shook his head and took a step back. "I'm fine."

"Drew I—"

"I'm fine!" he snapped harshly, and a heavy silence filled the room. He groaned and blew a strand of his green hair out of his eyes. "Just…I'm going to keep sweeping, alright? Put the plush with my stuff. My cousin, Wally, might like it."

"Oh! That's right!" May's eyes lit up. "He's the little one with the green hair, right?" Max had the urge to point out that she just described Drew too, but he didn't want to interrupt the moment. May picked it up and then looked directly at Drew, her smile fading slightly. "Are you sure you'll be okay?"

"Yeah. Just a small spasm," Drew said dismissively and waved her off. Her eyebrows pinched a bit at that, and Max recognized that look as the one she gave him when she was annoyed with him.

"A small spasm," May repeated sarcastically. She grabbed his hand and tugged slightly. "You know you're supposed to sit down if that happens, not say, 'oh I'm Drew and I spew stubbornness for fun so I'm not going to listen to the doctors and sit down when I'm supposed to'! And don't you deny it! You are going to sit down even if I have to carry you myself."

Max stared at his older sister in awe. In a way, it was like watching a younger version of his parents, and that was a startling thought in and of itself.

…

"Beedrill is unable to battle…the battle goes to Emboar!"

Max watched as Ash's opponent, Ryan, visibly gritted his teeth, his face red and his frustration obvious. He could understand. It was frustrating to train hard, only to know that you were going to get knocked out in the first round. Ash and his Pokémon made everything look so effortless that it was almost unfair.

The first rounds of a tournament often were. That's why it was so impressive when some of the younger trainers pushed through. They were both talented, and incredibly lucky not to come up against the wrong person.

Originally, he had thought about participating in the League himself, but Max quickly realized that he wasn't really cut out for this right now.

He wasn't sure if he'd ever be cut out for the competitive scene again.

…

"Max!"

He blinked open his eyes and looked down, realizing that he was holding his Kirlia beneath his body. Slowly, he turned his head, and flinched away when he came face-to-face with Sceptile's glowing Leaf Blade hovering less than a foot away from him. A barrier that he could only see because its power pulsed against the Pokémon's attack was the only thing that stopped it.

For his part, Sceptile looked horrified as he quickly backed away.

"Li!" Kirlia growled angrily and poked at him.

"Are you okay?"

Max quickly pushed himself up and looked around wildly, coming face to face with Ash, his eyes wide with fear.

"What was that?" Ash asked, and Max was a bit surprised by the angry edge to his voice.

"I—I'm so—" His voice cracked embarrassingly. "I'm sorry." His memory caught up to his actions. He and Ash were having the friendly, practice battle that had been promised to him a long time ago. It was the first battle that he had since the Tree of Beginning. He had seen Sceptile coming at Kirlia, and the size and strength difference had made him panic.

Then Max didn't actually remember what he did. He could surmise from his position that he had thrown himself over his Pokémon to protect her without even realizing what he was doing. That's when it occurred to him why Ash was angry. He had thrown himself into danger when there had been no actual danger in the first place.

The anger evaporated from Ash's face and he slowly started to reach out, only to stop. Max's eyes looked down, and he blinked with surprise when he saw how badly Ash's hand was shaking.

Ash pulled his hand back, clenching it into a fist. "Don't do that again. Sceptile could have—I almost—if I would have put up that shield…Kirlia was okay! Sceptile wasn't going to hurt her."

"Kirlia kirl," his Pokémon spoke up in agreement. Sceptile nodded his head.

"I know, I'm sorry." Shame rushed through Max. "I just…I just panicked."

Ash made a sound that Max couldn't really decipher. It sounded like an attempt at a laugh, but it was also like a choking sob that he was trying to keep down.

…

"Am I a failure?"

Doctor Jones looked up at Max with curious eyes. The young boy flushed with embarrassment at the question and looked at the floor.

"I have no reason to think you're a failure, Max," the man answered, his tone sincere. "Do you think you are?"

He picked a bit at the edge of the couch. "Maybe."

"You're only twelve. Why would you think that?"

"When…when my friend was my age he was already making a name for himself," Max explained slowly, trying to piece together everything in his mind. "And me…I wanted to be a competitive battler. I wanted to be able to take over my father's gym when I'm older…but…" His hands ghosted over the pokeball's on his belt, and he felt shame rush through him. He knew by now that Doctor Jones was going to wait for him to get his thoughts together, something Max highly appreciated. "I haven't been able to get through an entire battle without panicking."

"You were in a highly traumatic situation at a very young age," Doctor Jones told him, his voice kind and reassuring. "How you respond to that may be very different from others in the same scenarios. Your thoughts and fears are entirely valid."

"Doesn't feel like it. Others went through worse."

"Suffering isn't a competition," Jones reminded him softly, something he had pointed out during various visits. "Have you talked to your Pokémon about your fears?"

Max hesitated. "No. Maybe I should, right?"

The psychologist nodded eagerly. "They are your friends, your companions. Should the occasion arise where you don't want to battle competitively anymore, they will understand."

"I…I know they will." Max's shoulders slumped. "I just…don't know what I want to do with myself anymore."

"I know many trainers that leave home when they're ten feel like they need to know exactly what they're going to do with their lives, but consider the fact that you are only twelve. The majority of kids your age are still struggling through homework." Max looked up at that. "You are not a failure, you still have plenty of time to figure out who you want to be."

Max nodded his head slowly. He understood the words perfectly, but accepting them was something else all together.

"You don't have to accept all this right now," Dr. Jones assured him when Max voiced his thoughts. "But I do want you to try and think those words every day."

…

"Dugtrio is unable to battle! The match goes to Ash Ketchum!"

The cheers that went up in the stands was ridiculous. Sure, some of it was just for a good battle, but Max was reminded again just how many lives Ash had touched since he was ten. It was awe inspiring and made him a little resentful.

"I am not a failure," he muttered under his breath so that no one could hear him. "I still have plenty of time to figure out who I want to be." He looked up, watching as Ash pet his Samurott, before walking towards his opponent.

Ryan was glaring at the ground, and looked startled when Ash spoke to him. Max doubted anyone could hear what Ash was saying, but Ryan went from frowning, to surprised, to having a small smile on his face. Then they shook hands, and the cheering in the stands got louder.

…

"Are you sure this is what you want to do, sweetie?" Caroline asked Max as she watched him zip up his backpack. "You don't want to stay here for a little while longer?"

"I'm sure," he said with a nod of his head. "I think I'm going a bit stir-crazy here."

"I suppose so," his mother agreed, walking over and running her hands through his hair. "Goodness, your hair is getting long. Do you want me to cut it before you go?"

He huffed with annoyance and gently shoved her hand away. "I like it how it is."

"Leave the boy be, Caroline," Norman said as he came in the room, laughter tinting his voice. "He's not a baby anymore."

"He's my baby."

"Mom," Max groaned, his cheeks turning pink.

"I know, I know." She sighed and stared at him with sad, lavender eyes. "It's hard to believe you're growing up and going on your own adventures. I just wish you'd stay closer to home."

"Kalos wasn't even involved with Team Rocket's takeover," he pointed out. "It's safe. Besides, I won't be alone. I'm traveling with Bonnie. Plus Clemont and Serena will be around too." Caroline was still frowning, not looking very convinced.

"Are you sure you don't want to wait for a little while longer?"

"I'm sure," he insisted, staring up at her with determined brown eyes. "I need to do this mom. I need to…figure out what I want to do with myself."

Caroline sighed and smiled warmly at him. "If this is what you think you need to do, your father and I will support you ever step of the way."

Max smiled at both of his parents. "Thanks mom, dad."

He was sure that he not only wanted to go to Kalos, but he had to.

…

Staring up at the zeppelin in front of him, Max suddenly felt sick. This was different than going to Johto or around Hoenn. Kalos was so much farther away. Not even Ash went that far until he was older.

He bit his lip nervously, not wanting to look back at his parents. Then he'd probably cry and stay home, and he also didn't want to do that.

"Max!"

Jumping, he looked around to see May running towards him. She skidded to a stop in front of him, her red sweater falling off one of her arms.

"May! I thought you were in LaRousse!" Max shifted his bag on his shoulders and looked at her with confusion.

She caught her breath and looked up, fixing her sweater as she did. May crossed her arms and stared at him sternly. "You're going all the way to Kalos! Of course I'm going to say goodbye." She huffed. "Brothers, honestly."

Max glared at her slightly, but the glare vanished as quickly as it came, his shoulder slumping slightly.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing." She glared at him. "Okay…well maybe…"

May's expression softened a bit and she sighed. "You're nervous, aren't you? That's okay, you know. You won't be on your own."

"I know that," Max assured her, and shrugged. "I don't know what it is. I didn't want to bring it up around mom because she'd probably just keep me here."

"You don't have to go if you don't want to. It's not too late to change your mind. No one will think less of you," she said, purposely making sure that their parents couldn't see her expression. This was something Max appreciated greatly.

He thought for a moment before shaking his head. "No. I feel like…I need to do this. I need to go somewhere else for a little while."

"Then go." May waved towards the zeppelin. "Be afraid, but have fun."

"Aren't you supposed to tell me to not be afraid?"

May just grinned at him, and suddenly swooped down to hug him. Max squeaked and struggled a little bit. "May!"

"You'll be okay. Good luck and have fun!" She stood back up and shoved him gently towards the zeppelin.

He took a deep breath and nodded his head. Slowly he walked towards the stairs, climbing them nervously.

"Max!"

He looked around at his sister, who was now standing with their parents and waving at him. May laughed as she waved. "Don't forget to get me a present!"

The young boy stared at her for a moment before laughing and waving back. He shook his head and walked inside. He was still nervous, but he was also excited too. He was going off to a distant land to have his own adventures with known friends, and hopefully he would make some new ones.

...

Note

Welcome back to my world, but probably not in the way anyone expected. Each chapter focuses on a single character, though there is a lot of interaction with others. Each is interwoven with Ash's journey through the Pokémon League. Aside from that, and a few obvious things, this very purposely jumps around in time.

So to anyone reading this, heads up that this will make no sense if you haven't at least read When The World Ends. This is fairly unreadable without that since it's all about what they went through during that adventure. That means that some of them are going to be going through some serious stuff. There are mentions to death, suicide, depression, and mental illness in many other forms. Don't be despaired though. I will tell you right up front that this is all about hope and healing.

Please note that this chapter is unedited by a second pair of eyes. I did try myself, but it's hard to catch your own mistakes. My beta is quite busy as of late. If you catch any typos let me know, but please do it respectfully. Thanks!

Skylight Sparkle