Jerry sighed and leaned back against the pillows with a self-satisfied grin on his face. "That's reason number seventy-two why I love you."
"How many of these reasons are there?" Traci asked with a laugh.
"I made a list of the top hundred."
"You aren't serious. Why do you have a list?"
"Because I was overwhelmed with my love for you one day, okay and a little bored sitting in the pen so I made a list."
"You're ridiculous. I bet half of them are sexual."
"Well reasons numbers forty-two through sixty-nine are all sexual."
"Only twenty-seven sexual reasons? I would have thought I'd score more than that".
"See, now that's reason number seventy-eight, you're good at math."
Traci scoffed. "You did not come up with a list of 100 hundred reasons why you love me."
"For the purposes of this conversation I did."
"Show it to me."
"Well I can't show it to you, do you really think I'm stupid enough to commit that kind of information to paper where anyone can find it and learn how great you are? If that information got into the wrong hands I'd be beating guys off of you day and night." Jerry tapped his head. "It all right in here, where it's safe."
"You don't have a list."
"Pinky swear. I really do."
"Okay then tell it to me."
"Right now?"
"Yes right now. You can't can you?"
"Twenty bucks says I can."
"Is there anything you won't bet on?"
"Well I bet on us. That worked out for me didn't it?"
Traci smiled. "Well played Barber."
"I know, I am impressive aren't I?"
"Now back to this list."
"Okay, for 20 bucks in no particular order the top 100 reasons why I love Traci Nash."
1. Because she's hot.
2. Because she loves me.
3. Because she brought Leo into my life
"Aw Jerry."
"That was just #3, if you are going to get all mushy this early on I'm never going to finish this."
"Sorry. Carry on"
4. Because from the moment she walked into my classroom at the Academy I was hooked.
5. Because she is fierce and strong and dedicated.
6. Because she's ambitious and hard working.
7. Because she's got a kind heart and an understanding soul.
8. Because she's cute when she's ticked off. Not when she's pissed, when she's pissed she's a little on the scary side, but when she's just ticked off and her nostrils flare every so slightly, a-dor-a-ble.
9. Because she can wear the hell out of a pair of high heeled kneed high boots.
10. Because she can't sing worth a damn and insists upon hopping on the mic during Karaoke Night.
"Don't even try to act offended. You know it's true."
11. Because she has a great sense of humor.
12. Because even though she is at times an overly sensitive pain in the ass, she is very good at eventually figuring out that she's being an overly sensitive pain in the ass and getting over it.
13. Because she doesn't take herself too seriously.
14. Because she's as smooth as fine silk.
15. Because she's a reasonable, rational, level headed individual.
16. Because she has finally learned to make an absolutely perfect cup of coffee.
"Quick question, do you plan on saying 'Because she' before every reason?"
"Seriously? Are complaining? You have a problem with the way I choose to tell you how great you are and express my love and devotion? Because I'm pretty sure that if I put my mind to it I can come up with a pretty sizable list of the many reasons Traci Nash works my nerves. It won't take but a minute.
"Geez Barber, it was just a question, no need to get your panties in a bunch."
17. Because she knows when to leave well enough alone.
"You just added that one in."
"So what? I never said the list was written in stone. The list is constantly changing and evolving, it's a living thing."
18. Because she actually aced my class and I didn't get stuck having to pass her just because I was sleeping with her.
19. Because she knows that I wouldn't have passed her just because I was sleeping with her, but I would have felt really, really bad if she failed.
20. Because she knows me well enough to realize that if she was only sort of failing I probably might have at least considered passing her because the sex really was that good and who could blame me.
21. Because she has never forgotten to load her gun.
22. Because she has never accidently arrested an undercover officer
23. Because she has never compromised an undercover operation.
24. Because she has never gotten trapped in a burnt out building about to collapse.
25. Because she has never been held captive by a rapist/killer.
"Are you picking on my friend?"
"What? I love McNally, she's become a great cop, but am I a bad person because I prefer my women a little less high maintenance? I swear if you got into half as much trouble I would have gone completely gray from the stress. Hey, do you think Swarek dyes his hair? A little Just for Men when no one is looking? Admit it, his hair is surprisingly youthful looking all things considered."
26. Because she can keep a secret.
27. Because she's surprisingly flexible
28. Because she finally came to her damn senses and dumped Dex, well actually got dumped by him, but it was after he discovered that she started having sex with me again so it was like she dumped him by default.
"Really, you want to go there?"
"I'm just saying, once you went back to having sex with me, really good, hot, kinky, made you walk funny sex, you weren't staying with him."
"Gloating isn't a good look for you."
"Sweaty, sticky, throbbing, rug burned knees, bite marks on the back of your neck sex."
"Shut up."
"As long as I made my point."
29. Because she's an amazing f…
"Jerry!"
"What? Get your mind out of the gutter for real Nash. I told you, the sexual ones don't even start until #42.
29. Because she is an amazing f_riend.
"That was sweet."
"And you almost ruined it."
"Sorry."
30. Because she loves hockey.
31. Because she isn't a Canadiens fan. There are some things that are deal breakers in a relationship.
32. Because she's loyal.
33. Because she doesn't complain about poker night.
34. Because she doesn't even get why someone would complain about poker night.
35. Because she's not all about how much money a guy spends on her
36. Because she looks adversity in the eye and then bitch slaps it and calls it Nancy.
37. Because she smells like beaches and summertime.
38. Because only forces me to watch one chick flick a month.
39. Because she has never told a soul that I play Dance Revolution with Leo.
40. Because she isn't needy and suffocating.
41. Because she cut me some slack on that brief moment that I can be a wee bit needy and suffocating.
"It was just the one time Jerry, how could I hold it against you?"
"See, you're the best."
"Plus you only cried a little."
"I believe we said we would never speak of that again."
"My bad."
42. Because she's not opposed to a little love in the afternoon, even if an interrogation room is the only spot available.
43. Because she's an amazing lay.
"Jerry!"
"What? I didn't say amazing fuck. Though honestly it can't be denied. I mean let's be real here, we had a lot of sex before the whole madly in love thing happened. I mean before I realized that you were the best thing that ever happened to me I was pretty clear on the fact that you were the best thing that ever happened to me in bed. Trust me that realization came quick fast and in a hurry. Sorry if the truth is that offensive to you."
44. Because she isn't opposed to sex in the kitchen, the shower, the hallway, the car...
45. Because she's more of a heavy sigher and a moaner than a screamer, nobody likes a screamer, screamers are embarrassing.
46. Because she is surprisingly flexible.
"You already said that."
"Not referring to the same thing at all. #27 is a you're willing to compromise kind of thing #46 is more about the many positions I get to compromise you in."
"Ah."
47. Because she hasn't ruled out the idea of a little girl on girl action with Peck.
"I told you hell would freeze over first."
"See, that's what I mean, you're just one cold front away from it. You're keeping your options open."
"You're delusional."
"Not very open minded of you. What do you want from me? I'm completely in love with you, totally faithful, wouldn't dream of looking at another woman, so now I can't even dream of you with another woman? Don't you think that's just being a little bit unfair?"
"Can I dream of you with Swarek or Shaw?"
"Now that's just sick. You know what, I take back #7, #12 and #27."
"Not very open minded of you."
48. Because she can't get enough of it.
49. Because I can't get enough of it.
50. Because she feels so damn good.
51. Because thanks to her I can't even look at that chair in the living room without getting hard.
"I was thinking of getting it bronzed in tribute until I realized that then it would be hard and uncomfortable and we probably couldn't use it anymore."
"You have serious problems Jerry, and I just want you to know that I'll get you the help you so obviously need."
52. Because I have never in my life enjoyed the shower as much as I do when she's in it with me.
53. Because she wears the sexiest underwear.
"I knew you had some sort of fetish about my underwear."
"What fetish?"
"Half the time you ask me to keep my panties on during sex, that's a fetish."
"Fetish, smetish. So what if I like you to keep your panties on sometimes, the really lacy ones. That's not a fetish, it's more like a thing. I can't have a thing? You have a thing."
"I do not have a thing."
"Oh you definitely have a thing. We were just doing your thing not twenty minutes ago."
"That? That's not a thing."
"It most definitely is a thing. Anything that isn't standard operating procedure is by definition 'a thing', and that my dear was not standard operating procedure, unless the Karma Sutra is your operations manual. You have your thing and I have mine."
54. Because as much as I love talking with her, I really love the stuff we do when we both shut up.
55. Because of August 15th 2011.
"What happened August 15th 2011?"
"You know what happened August 15th. In the car, after we left the Penny and you said you couldn't wait until we got home so we pulled over in that parking lot."
"Oh yeah. That was fun."
"That was more than fun, that was a lot more than fun, that kicked fun's ass, bitch slapped it and called it Nancy."
"You're a little over sexed. Is there a word for a male nymphomaniac?"
"Yeah Trace. Normal. The word is normal."
56. Because she's ready whenever I am.
57. Because she can arch her back like a damn cat.
58. Because she gives a mean blowjob.
"Seriously Jerry!"
"What?! It needed to be said. There is no shame in it. In fact it should be a point of personal pride, you are gifted. I myself am extremely grateful that you possess skills in that area. Extremely. Don't I return the favor?"
"But you're listing it a reason you love me?"
"You're being a bit prudish here Trace. Let me tell you something, honestly, it's a very lovable trait. I don't think you fully appreciate just how talented you are. You really are quite exceptional, I'd go so far as to say a master, an artist even. You are like the Van Gough of oral sex, Da Vinci even, inventive and ahead of your time."
"How do you manage to get any work done when your mind is so occupied with sex all of the time?"
"It's a daily struggle, but I just push through. Here's the thing though, if #58 got you that worked up #'s 59-69 are going to be a real issue. Let's just leave it at #62 is related to #51, it's actually the highlight of #51, we covered #'s 59–68 last Friday night, #60, #63, and #67 were in the shower, we hit #65 twice, once on the couch the other time on the rug, and I wanted to do #61 again but you said you couldn't do that thing with your leg again so we went back to #64. And #69, well #69 is kind of self-explanatory.
"You know the really sad thing is I actually followed that and understood every word of it."
"It doesn't make you a bad person. Back to the list?"
"Yeah back to the list."
"You got #'s 59–68 right? Because we can go over them, maybe act them out so there is no confusion."
"Shut up Jerry, #70."
70. Because she isn't scared of speaking her mind with Swarek and isn't afraid to tell him when she thinks he's wrong, and I love it when people tell Swarek he's wrong.
71. Because she isn't afraid of me and isn't afraid to tell me I'm wrong and I never knew how often I was wrong until she started telling me all the damn time.
72. Because she usually doesn't hold a grudge.
"But you said earlier Reason 72 was what we had just finished doing."
"We actually I was referring to the fact that if you held a grudge you would be still be withholding sex and we wouldn't have done what we had just finished doing. Now hush, I lost my place.
"#73"
"That's right."
73. Because on the rare occasions she does hold a grudge it usually isn't with me, so I don't really care.
74. Because she promised me that I never, ever, ever have to go to Medieval Times again as long as I live.
75. Because she's already such a great mother I can't help but wonder…
"Wonder what?"
"Oh nothing."
"Jerry?"
"What? You read too much into things, we'll talk about it later."
76. Because she's a psycho Christmas Nazi and it's kind of cute.
77. Because she finally stopped carrying that scary ass bright pink bag to work.
78. Because she's good at math, she knows the square root of sixty-nine is ate something.
"Really? You're quoting Drake songs now?"
"What? I'm a man of rich and varied interests and tastes. I like to listen to a little Drizzy sometimes, hometown boy makes good and all. I like to represent. You have a problem with that?"
"Sometimes I find you disturbing. Really, I seriously worry about you."
79. Because when forced to pick an undercover character her first impulse was a bisexual stripper, and you have to love a girl who's go to persona is bisexual stripper.
80. Because if we ever go broke she can earn a living as a pool shark.
81. Because she gives a mean back massage.
82. Because she always seems to know when I need a mean back massage.
83. Because she plays it off like she thinks I'm working on something important when I'm bent over my phone and never calls me on the fact that she knows I'm really playing Angry Birds.
"You rock Angry Birds."
"I do don't I? Is it wrong that the main reason I'm hesitant to get a new phone is for fear or losing all my Angry Birds scores?"
"Not wrong at all babe. You worked hard, and you're almost at three stars across the board."
"You're damn right. Thank you. You get me, you really do. Which brings me to…"
84. Because she gets me. She really does.
85. Because she forgives me when I screw up.
86. Because she has accepted that I tend to screw up every now and again, but it's usually just because I love her and want to keep her safe.
87. Because she can take care of herself a lot better than I sometimes give her credit for.
88. Because she believes in the fundamental goodness in human beings.
"You said I was wrong, that some people are just all bad."
"You are wrong, but it's cute that you believe it."
"That is so damn condensing."
"Traci, you're a cop walking around talking about the good in people. Be glad I said it's cute and not a little crazy."
89. Because she learns from her mistakes.
90. Because she won at Fight Night. Hello?
91. Because appreciates my small gestures as well as my big ones.
92. Because she has never once insisted that we hang out with Diaz and Epstein.
"Honestly I'd dump you if ever made me do that. Flat on your ass, it's a deal breaker."
"What do you have against Dov and Chris? They are great guys."
"They annoy you, and they're your friends, can you imagine what they do to me? The eagerness alone is painful, combine that with the sucking up and the ass kissing. Plus if I have to watch Epstein hero worship Swarek anymore I might shoot myself, with your gun, so you feel all guilty about it."
"Nice."
93. Because she has the greatest lips.
94. Because she always has my back.
95. Because she loves me enough to take a chance on us.
96. Because she seems to think that we don't live together even though she and her son are always at our place and most of her belongings are here. Plus most of our friends coworkers and her own mother all think we live together.
97. Because I actually like her mother.
98. Because makes me laugh, even at myself sometimes.
99. Because I love the way she loves me, open and trusting and supportive.
100. Because I can't help myself.
"I'm impressed."
"Yeah? I'm glad to hear it. So where's my twenty bucks?"
"Maybe I should make a list."
"Yeah? One hundred reasons why you love Jerry Barber?"
"No, only one reason."
"That's pretty cheap Trace, I give you one hundred reasons and you only have one for me."
"Yup,"
"It better be a good one."
"It is. I love Jerry Barber because….well because he's Jerry Barber, what's not to love?"
"Okay, you got that one over. Well played, you're pretty smooth."
"I know, #14. I'm like fine silk baby."
"Don't brag, it's not becoming."
"I'll bet you #58 you can't repeat them again in order."
"Yeah? Well I tell you what, for #58, #62 and #65 all in the chair in the living room, I'll repeat it backwards."
"You're on."
"But ah, a bet's a bet, I'm still going to need that 20 first."