Kyoko: Hi everyone! This is my first attempt at writing humour! Well, I tried it once but I don't think it went too well... So please don't flame! I was intending this to be a oneshot, but the ideas in my head merged to make a longer story. Fox! Summary please!
Fox: Link is feeling jealous that Snake and Sonic are getting more attention than him, and the fact that their not from Nintendo makes it even worse! He decides that he must get rid of them, but not everything goes to plan when other Smashers get involved!
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the SSB characters.
Fiercely grabbing his pen, Link furiously began scribbling down his thoughts, occasionally looking up from his diary, but it only made him angrier. He scowled at Zelda, Peach and Samus as they crowded around the two newcomers, squealing in an annoying fan girl way for one, and giggling at the other.
"Why don't they do that to me?!" he mumbled, annoyed. "I mean… I'm cute, aren't I?"
He sat in an armchair watching everyone greet the newcomers then decided that he should at least try and get to know them. So, shutting his diary, he wandered over to see what all the fuss was about. Upon recognising the two figures as he waded through the crowd, he leapt backwards, falling on Ganondorf and screamed.
"Aah! Master Hand what have you done?!"
Link curled into a ball and cowered on the floor. The Smashers stared at him.
"Link, what are you doing? And get off me!" yelled Ganondorf. Whimpering, Link jumped off of the Gerudo king and hid behind Zelda. Master Hand floated into the room.
"What's all the shouting about?" he said, confused.
"Link's gone hyper… again." Zelda sighed. "Ganondorf, I told you to hide the cookies!"
"I did… sorta…" Ganondorf replied guiltily. "Well, I thought an overdose on sugar would make him die or something, I didn't expect him to do something crazy like that!"
Nervously Master Hand looked at the newcomers and wondered if the mansion's good reputation had now been ruined, for they were trying not to laugh. Link took this opportunity to inspect them.
"Hmm… OK. Calm down Link, you might be overreacting! OK, first newcomer: black hair, blue and black suit, loads of weapons… loads more than me! OK, I'm overreacting again. Right, second newcomer: blue fur, big eyes, red shoes and this air about that says 'I'm popular'… OH NO! WE'VE BEEN OVERTAKEN BY KONAMI AND SEGA!"
"Link, you said that out loud," said Master Hand. "And no, we haven't been overtaken at all you stupid buffoon. I invited them here, so get used to it."
"It wasn't the sugar at all," Zelda murmured, relieved. "Sorry, Ganondorf! Well, I never thought I'd say that…"
"Analysis complete!" Link shouted in robot kind of way. "You!"
He pointed at Snake, one of the newcomers. "You're Snake, yes?"
"Er, yeah…" the man replied, backing away. "Master Hand, where's my room?"
Without a word, Master Hand grabbed Snake and flew up the stairs, giving a thumbs up to Crazy Hand who had been lying on the ceiling waiting for a signal.
"I R BABOON!" He screeched, plummeting from the ceiling and narrowly missing Ness as he crashed onto the floor. "Ahem. Welcome to the Smash Mansion, I'm Crazy Hand. I am 6ft 10, I'm 28 years old and I like apples."
"No, Crazy Hand!" Master Hand exclaimed whilst still holding Snake on the stairs. "Introduce the new Smasher!"
Crazy Hand looked up at him, confused. Master Hand, annoyed, starting communicating in sign language, but found it hard because he was only a hand and he needed two to do it properly.
"Who said I liked pickled sausage?"
"Forget it,"
Angrily, Master Hand picked Snake up again and left. Crazy Hand crashed onto the floor in an anime style. "Of course. OK Smashers, you've just been involved in the random introduction of these two-"
He pointed at the empty space where Snake once stood. He froze for about a minute. "Er, yeah." he said finally. "Well, you saw Snake, but now I'd like to introduce you to Sonic!"
Cheers erupted among the Smashers, and the girls carried on screaming and dancing round in circles. Link pouted. The blue hedgehog beamed, surprised that he was getting so much attention even though he wasn't a Nintendo character.
"OBJECTION!" yelled Link, pulling on a blue jacket and dying his hair black and pointing and Sonic. "Where were you at the time of the brainwashing?"
"Brainwashing?" said Sonic, laughing. "What do you mean?"
"You brainwashed Master Hand so you could take my girlfriends away!" Link whined. Zelda glared at him. "Of course, I mean girlfriend!I mean, it was so not me spying on Peach through her door the other day!"
Everyone went silent except for Peach who started shouting gibberish at Link. Crazy Hand felt jealous because he didn't feel popular.
"Right, now that we all know each other," he said disappointedly. "Let's go and eat all the food before I do!"
And so everyone, including Sonic but excluding Link, and a red Pikmin, ran out of the room towards the dining hall.
"MINE!" Captain Falcon ran into the room, grabbed the Pikmin and shoved it into his mouth. "Ew, tastes like noodles."
"I feel isolated!" Link moaned, falling back onto his armchair. "Why doesn't anyone pay this much attention to me? And why does Master Hand like Sonic and Snake? How come Crazy Hand celebrates their arrival with a massive spontaneous feast that I'm not invited to?"
"You chose not to go," replied C. Falcon, pulling a Pikmin flower out of his mouth and putting in inside Link's hat. "There, that's your present. I've paid attention to you."
"That's not good enough," said Link, eating the flower.
"Aw, don't worry Link!" said C. Falcon, patting him on the back. "You'll get used to them. They're great, and everybody wants them in Brawl!"
"Except for me," said Link grumpily. "I need a plan. Hmm, yes, a plan…"
Link stared out of the window as if he were frozen, an unusual look in his eyes. Captain Falcon slapped him on the face.
"Come on, you've eaten too much sugar."
"Sugar?! You still think it's the sugar?"
"Oh, I arrived late. Sorry."
"ANYWAY!"
The swordsman irritably jumped out of the chair and stomped up the stairs to his room.
"Where are you going?" called C. Falcon.
"Well, duh, my room!" said Link, eating a yellow Pikmin which came out of nowhere. "I'm planning something, so don't disturb me."
C. Falcon shrugged and walked off. He joined the rest of the Smashers in the dining hall, where Crazy Hand had tossed fridges everywhere. Bewildered, Sonic hid inside a plant pot with a donut. The fan girls, Zelda, Peach and Samus looked for him everywhere except the plant pot then decided to start a food fight. Not a good idea since Yoshi almost exploded the last time. And then Crazy Hand involved his secret stash of sherry…
Many hours had passed and Link was still stuck in his room. It was almost midnight, and the shouting of the Smashers downstairs had quietened down, apart from Crazy Hand's screeching of Spanish karaoke songs.
It had been all planned out, his plan. However, he couldn't do it by himself, so he confidently marched out of his room and stood in the corridor waiting for a Smasher to come along. Eventually, someone staggered up the stairs with a bottle with some sort of alcohol in it. Link frowned, because he or she didn't look that tall. The figure managed to crawl to Link's feet and look up at him.
"Kirby?" said Link, picking up the drunk puffball.
"Who's Kirby?" he babbled, smiling. "Oh yeah! That's me!"
"I thought you weren't drinking anymore?"
"I won the dare!"
"What dare?"
"Jigglypuff broke his promise first," he laughed, waving his tiny arms. "Caught him in the pantry downing the lager like a fish!"
For a moment Link forgot what he was doing in the hallway. He stared at the little puffball as he pulled his hat off and sat inside it and calling it a sock.
"Er, Kirby?" he said nervously. "Would you like to join me in getting rid of Snake and Sonic?"
"Why?" Kirby asked.
"They took my girlfriends away… I mean girlfriend! They stole my popularity!"
"Hmm… OK!"
"Seriously?"
"I don't know, I'll have to wait for the alcohol to wear off."
So Kirby plodded back to his room and Link waited for someone else. After half an hour Fox flew up the stairs and crashed into a wall.
"Aha! Another drunk Smasher! Perfect!" said Link, rubbing his hands.
"Eh? What? Me? Drunk?" exclaimed Fox, hiding behind Link. "No, no, no! Crazy Hand threw me into the wall! He's gone mad!"
"Sherry?" said Link, looking at the trembling fox.
"Yep," Fox replied.
And so Link explained once more to the sober Star Fox pilot that he was going to get rid of Snake and Sonic for several reasons which have already been explained. After threatening to spread rumours that it was actually him spying on Peach he eventually gave in and joined him.
Link carried on questioning the Smashers for two hours then decided to go to bed, saying he would meet them at 5am. Six Smashers, four of them drunk, had been persuaded to join Link's gang, and, when five o' clock came, they dragged themselves out of bed to hear about what Link would do.
"Morning!" Link yawned as they crowded into his room.
"This better be important," said Marth sleepily.
"Well, you've heard most of the details," said Link, nestling back into his blankets again. "You all agreed to help me get rid of Snake and Sonic, right?"
The group nodded. C. Falcon looked slightly worried and kept glancing at the clock.
"What is it?" asked Roy.
"Link, you'd better be quick 'cause my manicure starts in-"
Silence. C. Falcon pretended no one heard and examined his nails. "…What?"
"Ahem," Link began, ignoring him. "The aim of the mission is to get rid of Snake and Sonic. I will give each of you a task which you must complete. If everything goes well, then it will definitely result in them leaving. If not, I could suffer from unpopularity!"
"But what's the name of our mission?" asked Kirby, still wearing Link's hat without him knowing.
"I shall call it… Operation Randomness!" exclaimed Link, opening up a roll of paper with the name scribbled across it and a childish doodle of himself underneath it. "Named after my great-great-grandfather Sir Link McRandom."
A few crickets chirped in the background. Most of the Smashers had now fallen asleep. Link looked up at his clock and realised that it had taken him almost an hour to explain his plan.
"OK, you can go back now," Link sighed, pushing Marth and Kirby off his bed. Fox and C. Falcon dragged the three other Smashers out of the room and shut the door, leaving Link alone again.
"Hah, they all looked so worried," he chuckled to himself. "What could possibly go wrong?"
You know what that means! Trouble! What will Snake and Sonic think of this? Well, more importantly, will they ever find out? Next chapter the randomness begins as a Smasher starts his part of the plan. The next chapter will probably be longer and hopefully more crazy. Crazier than Crazy Hand drinking sherry? You'll have to wait!