Desperate Times, Reckless Measures

I am praying to our father if he is even listening these days, that my conversation with Castiel sank in a bit. I may be a pebble among boulders, but if my words can do anything, then please, God, please, let them.

I don't normally stress too much. I am a firm advocate of keeping hope alive. However, Castiel's most recent choices have left me extremely worried. Furthermore, I feel that I am somehow responsible because I either did not see the signs, or I chose to ignore them. I fear it was more the latter than the former. I have greatly admired Castiel since I was old enough to remember, and perhaps before then. So, perhaps that admiration left me blinded.

How could I have been so stupid, though? I knew that the civil war between him and Raphael was taking a heavy toll on us all, and yet, I refused to see just how much desperation he was feeling. Castiel is one of the best of us, but anyone forced into desperation is likely to result in reckless behavior. We are strong creatures, even ones like myself, just a tiny little pebble… You think humans are destructive when desperate? Try backing an angel into a corner.

Our conversation had started just before Balthazar's death. I should have seen it… No, I did see it… I was just fooling myself because I wanted to trust him, and his judgment. After all, I certainly couldn't trust Raphael who was ordering the destruction of the World. What right did we have to say it was just to allow 7 billion of God's children to be destroyed because we could not get along? Castiel had human interests in mind, or so I thought… But I knew his actions were becoming more and more reckless.

"Castiel… I'm sorry, I know you're busy, but… I need to speak to you, please." He gave a sigh, eyes softening just slightly.

"Samandriel. It's going to have to wait until-"

"No. It can't wait." He seemed to be taken aback by my assertiveness, and truth be told, I was rather surprised I had mustered it myself. "We need to talk now. Please." I frowned softly, doing a rather pitiful job of hiding my concern. Had he been any other superior, he would have scolded me for being disobedient and reminded me of my place. However, Castiel did no such thing. He only went towards a bench in the Heaven he preferred and sat down. He then gestured for me to sit beside him. Once I did, he spoke, clearly exhausted.

"What is it, little one? I'm sorry to say, but I really don't have time for idol chit chat."

"I know you don't. I know there's a war going on-"

"Which you would do very well to stay out of. We don't… We should not have any more innocent blood spilled than is necessary."

"Yes, sir. I have no plans of becoming involved. However, I… I am very concerned for you." He shook his head and looked away.

"There's nothing to be concerned about."

"You can keep telling yourself that, but I know better. I know you, Castiel, and I know that things have been extremely stressful for you. Please, just hear me out." I moved to gently place a hand on his arm. "Please. I'm begging you. Just five minutes… Maybe not even that. Please." There was a moment of silence in which my hand remained where it had been. Castiel slowly turned towards me.

"Fine. What is it, Little One?"

"Balthazar told me about a plan you … Might have." He frowned.

"What plan?"

"About… About you working with Crowley and trying to open up purgatory." His eyes widened, which caused me to quickly respond. "Look, I don't… I don't believe he was trying to pin me against you. I believe he's just as worried as me, perhaps even more. I haven't told anyone, I promise, but… Castiel, please think about this a bit. It's insane… It's beyond insane! We're supposed to protect the souls in heaven, not use them for bargaining chips, especially with someone like Crowley. I don't know exactly what it is, or how many you need, but working with him? Come on, you can't think this is going to end well?" His eyes hardened which caused me to shift slightly away from him.

"Did he tell you that?" I gave a hard swallow before nodding. "I see… And to think, I was trusting him with that secret."

"He wants you to listen, and he's afraid he can't get through to you on his own." Castiel stood up and I followed suit.

"I'm sorry, Samandriel, but it's already in motion. I want you to forget about me. Should we meet again, I cannot guarantee you will be safe, or that I will be myself." He disappeared in a flutter of wings, leaving me with a pit in my stomach. Yes, angels can feel things like that. However, I did nothing to try to find Castiel. I did exactly what he wanted, and that was to not get involved.

Not long after, I heard the news that Balthazar had been killed and Castiel had opened up Purgatory. He had been right about one thing, he was not himself.

I had been mulling possibilities in my head, trying to think of something, anything that could be done to stop the carnage that he had begun creating in Heaven. However, I could do nothing but watch in horror as it continued. The last time we met face to face, I wanted to beg him to stop. However, Hannah had dragged me away, hiding somewhere with me. She held me protectively, saying a silent prayer, as the screams of our brothers and sisters echoed throughout Heaven. I could feel myself trembling, searching my mind for an answer. However, there were none to be found. All I was left with were questions, and guilt that I had not done more sooner… But then, what could I have done. What would you have done?

All I can do is pray that somehow Castiel remembers our conversation and that when he is finally home again, he remembers that there are still a few, despite everything he has done, who think he's a good man. Again, desperation causes everyone, even angels, to become reckless.

Author's note: So, there is my little tiny drabble. I hope you all enjoyed, and feel free to leave a review. Constructive criticism is appreciated, but please no outright rudeness. I will delete that. Thank you all!