Notes: I just feel like there's entirely too little sex in this show, and instead of ripping each other's clothes off Nathan and Audrey are being idiots. So, this is supposed to be set after episode 9 as it seems to be a cast favorite, which they say to be all about love. So I'm going to run with it.

Also, spoilers for the sneak peek, promos and summary for the next episode.

Thanks to Laura for the beta job. This was supposed to be a surprise gift but turned out into just a gift lol!

xXx

well, i'm sorry for the things i had to say
and i'm sorry i pushed your hand away

xXx

She strips her soul when she's with him.

The buttons of his flannel shirt come undone one by one, as her trembling fingers trace delicate patterns over his chest. She's scared and angry, but all of her weariness flows out of her body as his hand rests against her face and she leans into her touch. She sighs because she can't help it, because she missed his touch, because she has a lot of regrets and letting him in isn't one of them; shutting him out is.

He pulls her close, shirt half open, lids half closed, and she feels his lips brush the ghost of a touch against her mouth. She misses being happy; misses the early days in town when all she had to worry about was day to day small town quietude. When the scars of the past didn't stop her from moving forward,from letting people in.

Now she doesn't even know who she is and the only certainty she has is the love of a man who she's bound to hurt and leave behind as she disappears with the stars. But she's tired of running. She's tired of being alone, angry, and scared. She's tired of hurting the one person she promised herself she'd always be there for.

His lips presses harder against hers and her hands leave his chest to sneak around his neck, to pull his head closer, to feel his hair slide between her fingers and her nails scratch gently his scalp. There's leftover wine on her table and her place smells of loneliness, of heartfelt sleepovers, of atrocities and late night tears. She wants to change that. She wants her home to remind her again of love and out of place Christmas parties. She wants memories to hold on to when her time comes.

He doesn't have to coach her mouth open because she already has her lips parted. Skin to skin contact and she feels him trembling under her fingertips; his muscles become taut with tension at every touch. They're standing in her living room, her hands brushing his shirt off his shoulders, lips to lips and his hands on her back pressing hard and firm. The warmth of his body enveloping her like a cocoon, dissipating the cold she's been under for so many days, and this, this is the perfect moment that will overshadow the bad memories rolling in her head until right now.

Audrey enjoys the feel of his fingers on her body, the way he pulls back from her lips only long enough to help her remove her shirt before laying siege on her mouth again. And as her clad breasts press against his naked chest she feels a shiver roll down her spine, goose bumps forcing every hair on her body to attention and the butterflies in her stomach are kicked into action. "Nathan," she whispers against his mouth and he bites her bottom lip slightly, his eyes searching her face and she's taken aback by the look in them. She's always taken aback by the force of his stare, the absolute focus he has on her as if there's nothing else in the world but her. It squeezes her heart and takes her breath away and sometimes she can't take it. Sometimes the simple knowledge that she's worth that much to someone shatters her ignorance. The hand inside her chest breaks at her skin, and claws its way out. Sometimes the violence of his feelings is almost too much to bear. "I missed this, the two of us."

He smiles his understanding. "I missed us too."

There's something to be said about the synchrony of their feelings and thoughts, because that's something that has always surprised Audrey. And not a lot of things surprise her anymore. Sometimes she feels like he's able to reach inside her soul and her mind and link the two of them with a tight chain; an invisible connection that doesn't make sense to anyone else. As if she's known him for her entire existence and there's no he and she because they're only one.

Nathan takes a breath when she runs her hands down his chest and teases with the waistband of his jeans. "Do you want to take it slow?" she asks and then moans slightly as he presses a kiss against her earlobe, behind her ear, trails down her jaw and ends up on the corner of her mouth.

"No. I want you." He unclasps her bra and it falls to the floor, joining their already discarded shirts. She feels exposed under his stare and a soft hue of pink rise on her cheeks, warmth radiating from her skin as he traces the outline of her breasts. "I have wanted you for a long time."

"Even before you knew you could feel me?"

This makes him stop, she notices. The simple question loaded with unspoken meaning, with the kind of uncertainty and wariness that only comes when she's dealing with her past. Nathan touches her face and she instantly leans into his hand, warm, big palms with such gentle fingers. She can't help but wonder if that's the kind of relief Jordan felt every time he touched her. "You're beautiful and smart. You have a strange sense of humor that really amused me. And you caught my attention the very first day. It impressed me the way you cared about people and I found myself wanting you to stay and be a part of this town before I realized what I was doing, but I couldn't feel so I never…" his voice drops and his words falter because he's always selling himself short and it has always gripped at her heart the way he doesn't realize his worth. "You just never noticed me. Not that way."

It's a blow to her face because she didn't. She was new in town, she had no friends, no allies and Nathan was someone she quickly realized she could grow really close to. And while she was trying so hard to fit in she didn't notice he was going out of his way to welcome her home. She remembers the little jokes; the tales of old troubled Haven. The stupid Haven kit on her desk and the way her heart had inflated and fluttered at the gift that was only missing a big red bow.

She kisses him softly, her lips brushing against him in a childish languid manner, and she tries to apologize without words for being so blind for so long. She feels his heart beat faster where their chests touch. "Isn't it better the way things happened though? Doesn't it make our story better?" When she's gone he'll have the tale of How He Met Audrey to tell.

"I'd have changed a few things here and there."

She laughs and kisses him again and this time it isn't gentle, but needy, impatient and passionate. She lets him run his tongue inside her mouth, tasting her, learning her and when they pull away she grabs his hand and leads him to her bed.

The mattress dips under her body and she welcomes Nathan's weight on top of her. Her blood pressure skyrockets when she feels him pressed against every inch of her body, his fingertips sinking against her hips and his lips on hers. She's never felt with anyone else what she feels with Nathan; even while most of her memories aren't hers, the men from the real Audrey's past feel like a missing mark during her entire life. She didn't feel it with Chris, not when she tried to make their relationship work, not when he died and came back. Not even close when pain and hurt and despair made her kiss Duke when she thought she had no way out of the deep bottom she found herself in.

She helps him out of his jeans and kicks them out of the bed and when there are no layers of clothes separating their bodies anymore she feels a shiver of anticipation, the prelude to a big life changing moment and she can almost hear church bells go off in her head. With Nathan she feels like this is it. Even if she has only a few days left, even if her head is telling her to back down, to move away, and to let him go, a part of her wants to hope that if love can't be erased, then maybe, if she disappears and comes back almost three decades later that Nathan will still be there waiting for her, that the connection they share will be enough to break through her new set of memories and make her remember. It doesn't matter how illogical it may be. Like a calamity that can't be avoided, their feelings won't be wiped.

He kisses her body with slow fascination as if he's learning her every line, memorizing every curve of her body. She grips his shoulders as she lets him study her, as his body shivers and coils and his lips find places she didn't even know existed, as his touches summon feelings beyond her understanding. As if he's answering questions she didn't even know were supposed to be asked. She's aware of every shift of his weight, the subtle movements of bone and heavy muscle; the way his breathing catches and releases and fans over her face in a soft mix of coffee and peppermint.

His mouth seeks her again, but she doesn't allow the kiss. She turns her head so his lips land on her face then stares at him. Her head is heavy and clouded and as she cradles his face in her hands she takes a deep breath because this is something she needs to do. "I'm sorry," she starts and shakes her head when he opens his mouth to speak, interrupting his thought before he can even finish forming it. "I'm sorry for pushing you away. For the things I said," because they were raw and sharp and hurtful like knife blades.

She pushed him away to save him and it ended up being the reason he died. His limp body in her arms, the glazed look in his eyes and the cold that quickly took over the warmth his body always radiates. As he died she felt like a part of her was gone too, as if any meaning she had for going forward, for finding out the truth about herself had just been taken away. The pain she felt was like nothing she had ever felt before, like a blunt knife cutting into her chest and twisting inside her heart. She learned the hardest away the depth of the importance he had in her life. The realization left her frightened. There was no question then how fundamental to her survival he was.

It had been a comedy of errors in the worst possible away.

He shuts her up with a kiss, his hand dancing dangerously low on her hip and she squirms when he settles perfectly between her legs. "You were an idiot. But I was an idiot too, so we're even."

"Those are not the right words to say when you're in this position, Wuornos." She squirms again, her hips rocking against him, willing him forward, inside of her, but he doesn't move, doesn't even budge. She falls back against the mattress with a small groan of frustration that he quickly silences with a hard, deep kiss. "You're going to pay for this… oh." She gasps loudly when he thrusts inside her with one long swift push and her fingernails sink into his back.

He moves slowly, taking his time to build the tension between their bodies and she grabs his head, brings it down for a kiss, sneaks her arms around his shoulders and keeps him as closer to her as possible. The buildup is frustrating, a slow torture of feelings and memories while he fills her completely, inside and out, then stops, let's the tension ease before doing it all over again.

"Nathan…" she says and her voice is a mix of begging and warning, raised an octave as she rocks her hips again and locks her legs around his waist, willing him to quicken the rhythm.

He leans closer, his mouth hovering above her ear and she shivers at his warm breath. "We do it my way this time. Next time we'll do it however you want."

She wonders if there will be a next time because she feels it's quite possible she'll die before they get anywhere.

He grabs her hips and shifts them to a better position and thrusts again. Audrey gasps at the unexpected sensation as a zing flies down her spine and she almost sees stars. "Did I find a sweet spot?" he whispers in her hear again before giving her kiss.

For a guy that hasn't felt anything for so long you know damn well what you're doing, she wants to say but her brain is working on emergency power only, meeting him at every slow push, every careful movement. She's already there, the tension so high she can feel the edges of her mind falling down, then Nathan stops again and Audrey's had enough. "I swear to God if you don't pick this up I'm never having sex with you again."

He laughs, kisses the corner of her mouth. "Bossy," he says and moans when she locks her legs around him and rocks against his hips again. This time he relents, intertwine their fingers and lock their hands together in a tight hold, thrusting harder and faster until there's a thin layer of sweat and their breathing is heavy and quick and she closes her eyes to the sensation.

When she goes over the edge, her head explodes and she can barely feel her legs as they go rigid and taut. She feels Nathan's heart beating fast against her chest, matching her own heartbeat. He supports himself on his arms, as they rest on each side of her body, his elbows pressing against the mattress, her legs still around him and he's still inside her; when their eyes meet she smiles, a long line that stretches across her lips and easy up the lines on her forehead. Her eyes are heavy lidded and she brushes her fingers against his face.

"I love you," he says and she stops, the force between them like a magnet, rooting her to her spot even when she tries to pull away. She's frozen and he notices her hesitancy and tries to reassure her. "You don't have to return the sentiment Audrey. I love you and I want you to know."

She loves him back, there's no question of that, but the uncertainty of her future hits her like a brick of walls, a constant reminder that she carries every moment of her waking days and it's a burden she insists on carrying herself. How can she say the words back when she doesn't know she'll be around to keep them? When there's such a finality in his words that frightens her?

She kisses him instead, cradles his face with tenderness even when her kiss is desperate and deep, as she hopes the gesture will let him know of the things she can't will herself to say out loud.

When twilight breaks she's lying on top of him, hand splayed against his chest just above his heartbeat and legs entangled in a way a painter would place two forbidden lovers, where she doesn't know where he starts and she begins and even if it's cliché that's just how she likes it. There's no end or beginning, there's only them.

"I love you too," she whispers back too late, in ears dead to the night, only the moon above her window a witness to such a painful confession. All she can do is hope, really hope, they'll find a way.

xXx

little post note for those who asked: yes Audrey kisses Duke in the next eposode (Magic Hour part 1) I have only seen the sneak peek so far so that's all I know! :)