Suggested listening: Ship To Wreck, by Florence and the Machine
Feather duster in hand, he stood, numb. What the fuck just happened?
Dark eyes moved slowly to the door, where Erwin had disappeared a few minutes ago. Levi rocked on his heels and then sat heavily in the chair behind Erwin's desk, his grip loosening on the feather duster before it clattered to the hardwood floor. He hardly heard it through the rushing noise in his ears.
Did Erwin just break up with me?
The idea seemed absurd, laughable, far-fetched. Yet there it was, right in front of him, taunting and cruel, much like the Titans they slay.
Levi suddenly felt like the world was crumbling down around him. For all he knew, it could be, and he was just too out of it to realize.
The door crashed open and Erwin stood there, staring. Levi stared back, face carefully blank. He blinked and jolted, looking around- at some point, night had fallen. Erwin relaxed for a moment before he caught sight of Levi in his chair, and then he looked furious. "Get out!" he yelled.
Levi jumped and grabbed his duster. The only time he moved faster was when he was about to get eaten, and the door slammed shut behind him.
The sound echoed loudly through the hall, and Levi stared at it, as if it would somehow open to let him in like it had every single day since he had joined the Survey Corps. But it didn't. It didn't open. This time, the door remained closed.
He felt like he had just lost a war.
…
He had locked himself into his old room, not responding when his subordinates came banging at the door, nor when hunger pains reminded him that he was still alive. Though the room as spotless, he cleaned recklessly, climbing his bookshelves to reach the top, accidentally burning himself on the iron, and pricking himself with sewing needles when he tried to repair his uniforms.
For four days he stayed in there, unresponsive to even the scrape on his knee when he fell from the bookshelf. Then Hange came knocking at the door.
"Dammit, Levi! You can't stay in there forever!" she shouted, banging loudly on his door. He remained seated on his bed, watching the doorknob wriggle before Hange kicked the door with a screech. He heard her slide to the floor, leaning on the wooden barricade that prevented her from reaching him. "Dammit, Levi…" he heard.
Hange had been a good friend of his for many years, and for the first time in four days; he felt a string of guilt. She, above all, did not deserve the silent treatment.
With a sigh, he stood up and padded silently over to the door, leaning on it heavily when he reached it. He sunk to the floor and pressed his forehead to the smooth, cool surface, the words slipping out before he could register them. "He broke up with me," cam out in a whisper. He reached up and unlocked the door, shifting away just in time for her to stumble into the room.
She pulled him up into her arms and he rests his forehead on her shoulder this time, feeling a sting behind his eyes but not allowing himself to cry. "Erwin broke up with you?" she repeated, tightening her grip.
"No, Arlert broke up with me," he muttered, and felt the tension rise in her shoulders before he relented, "Yes, Erwin dumped me, for whatever reason," he corrected.
She sighed. "Do you know why?"
"Just said I didn't, dumbass. If I knew I would've fixed it by now." He paused, struck my a sudden thought and he pulled away from her, "Everyone is always telling me they hate my attitude; what if he just finally got fed up with me?"
But Hange was shaking her head before he finished getting the words out. "If the problem was your attitude, he would've dumped you a long time ago, trust me. You don't have a relationship that lasts for nearly six years with shitty attitude problems," she assured.
That defeated feeling overcame him once more. He practically collapsed against the wall behind him and pressed his hands into his traitorously stinging, wet eyes. "Then what went wrong?" he asked himself, hating the whiny tone his voice took, but when faced with Erwin, it was almost as if he lost everything that made him who he was to be replaced with a whirlwind of emotions.
In front of him, Hange shrugged. "He could've just wanted a break. This may blow over soon, Levi, so I wouldn't give up yet."
He didn't reply, but silently he hoped she was right.
…
She wasn't right.
Weeks passed and he and Erwin were forced to communicate for professional reasons, but there was nothing beyond that. Every time Erwin had to speak with him, he was curt and distant, and every interaction left Levi feeling more hopeless and despondent.
They were due for a mission soon, and after a meeting, Levi overheard Mike telling Erwin to fix whatever had gone wrong because people could die with this much emotional upset.
Erwin did not reply, or if he did, Levi wasn't around to hear it. He walked away briskly, deliberately in Erwin's line of sight so that he could appear strong while he was shattered inside. He walked that way until he made it to Hange's lab, which he walked right into without warning.
She jumped and swung around, glasses skewed and hair a mess. There were marks on her cheek from where she'd been resting her head on her arm, clearly asleep. "What's't?" she muttered, shifting her glasses onto her head to rub her eyes.
"Hange," he said calmly, kicking the door closed, and her head shot up, eyes falling onto her lap and glasses onto her nose.
There must've been something in his expression, maybe, or in the way he'd called her name, because she swore suddenly. "Shit, Levi," she said, moving towards him and pulling him roughly into her arms.
The tears came hot and fast, and for once, Levi was powerless to stop them. He thought he heard the door open but he couldn't bring himself to care, abandoning his authoritative persona for the time being to reveal what only Erwin had ever seen, had ever been allowed to see: the lonely, frightened teenager ripped from the only world he knew into one that was just as violent in a way that struck harder. In the underworld, murder and rape and drugs were common, and the sight of blood had long stopped fazing him, but watching comrades fall to the Titans was another story altogether.
"What did I say? What had I done?" he muttered into her ear, the wet trails carving their way down his face in silence, "Did I build that relationship only to tear it down, to destroy it like everything else?"
For a long minute, Hange didn't respond. He could feel her moving, so he pulled away, ready to demand his answer, only to see her face. It was wild and panicked, and he whipped around, suddenly recalling the door. Erwin was in the threshold, an envelope in his hand while he stared blankly at Levi.
Rather than tears of pain, he felt his eyes stinging with his fury. Fury at Erwin for breaking up with him, fury at Hange for not letting him know that Erwin was in the doorway, but mostly, he was furious at himself. At himself for letting go and ruining the only good thing he'd ever had in his life.
It was as if everything he touched withered and died.
"You asshole!" he screamed, and then snapped his mouth shut when a flicker of shock flitted across Erwin's face. He moved to walk past the man, but Erwin grabbed his arm.
"Levi, I~" he began, but Levi yanked his arm away and stormed off, his fury dissipating under a wave of shame.
…
There was a knock at his door. It opened a second later, before Levi could yell at them to scram, and when he raised his head from his knees, Erwin was shutting the door behind him. The yell caught in his throat, and when he opened his mouth, no sound came out.
Erwin turned around and it seemed to take a minute for him to locate Levi, which was annoying, but when he finally found him next to the bookshelf under the window, his mouth settled into a hard line and an unreadable look overcame his entire being. "Levi," he said, moving and taking a seat next to the smaller man.
Still, Levi said nothing, instead turning away to look at anything other than the Commander. "Levi," Erwin repeated, and a large hand came and rested on his jaw, turning his face back to Erwin. Levi's mouth went dry. "Levi I'm sorry," Erwin murmured, his hand coming around to rest on the back of Levi's neck and pressing their foreheads together.
It was the closest he'd been to Erwin in weeks, and his whole being- body, mind, and soul- were screaming for him to close those tantalizing last few centimeters to kiss the man senseless. Instead he remained where he was, hardly daring to breathe.
"It had seemed like we were both losing our minds," Erwin muttered. Levi frowned inwardly, certain he had never felt anything of the sort. "And then I saw you in my office, dressed like that and I just- snapped. I'm so sorry, darling."
And then Erwin crossed those last few inches, and just like in Hange's office, Levi was powerless to stop himself. He crawled onto Erwin's lap and kissed back desperately, not even feeling anything aside from the heat and the rush in his veins that came whenever he kissed Erwin. Erwin's arm came around his waist and pressed him close, his other hand going upward to tangle harshly in his short, dark hair. Levi heard himself groan as Erwin stood, lifting Levi easily, and continued to kiss him as he moved toward the bed- unused in six years by anyone.
Erwin laid Levi on the bed and continued to kiss him, hands moving from his hair and his waist to his belt buckle, his fingers dancing over it before he fiddled with it and the belt came undone. Levi was quick to do the same for Erwin, dipping his fingers into the waistline of Erwin's trousers as the room became more heated.
…
"I'm still very sorry, Levi."
He sighed. "I thought I forgave you already, so can you shut up about it?"
They were in the newly used bed in that old room, and Levi was naked, sore, and not in any mood to be having a deep conversation because he was just way too damn tired. For some reason, Erwin seemed insistent on discussing their break-up, but Levi just wanted to forget the whole thing. It had been an unpleasant experience that Levi wanted to bury.
"But I~"
"Unless I was just a one-night stand just now, shut the fuck up and let me fucking sleep, Erwin. I don't know if you've forgotten in these past few weeks, but I'm not talkative after sex."
That shut him up. Levi waited a moment before curling up next to Erwin, resting his head on Erwin's shoulder and closing his eyes. He felt Erwin sigh lightly and then pull Levi closer, and Levi felt, briefly, like he was finally home.