Utter silliness.
Feeling theatrical today.
Advent Children for these troubled times. Not Advent Children Complete, because the budget wouldn't run to that.
If you'd like to read something worthwhile in a theatrical vein, I recommend Licoriceallsorts' brilliant parody "If William Shakespeare Had Written Advent Children".
That has literary merit.
This has truly awful "What do you call..." jokes, a sheet, a cardboard box and a phone.
Oh yes - and sorry about all the Star Wars references. Don't know how they got in there.
SquareEnix owns this world.
Shoe-string Productions Presents:
Advent Children for the Economic Downturn
Suitable for performance in limited spaces, with limited resources.
Cast can be dressed in costume as elaborate as time and budget will allow, or may stick to the following:
Black jeans and t-shirts: Cloud, Zack, Sephiroth, Loz, Yazoo, Kadaj, Vincent, Denzel, Reno, Rude, Tseng, Elena, Moogle Girl.
Black t-shirt and skirt: Tifa.
White dress: Marlene.
Black jeans, white t-shirt: Cid, Yuffie, Barret.
White jeans, white t-shirt: Rufus, Cait-Sith.
White skirt, pink top: Aerith.
Black jeans, red t-shirt: Nanaki.
Citizens of Edge: assorted black, grey, white jeans and t-shirts. Woolly hats.
Some kind of make up and distinctive hair would be helpful – but you can assume most members of the audience know the film version – or why would they be watching you do this?
As an example – a yellow duster would make good Cloud hair. Well – Cloud hair, anyway.
Props: A white sheet, a black sheet, a small cardboard box, a large cardboard box, green and black marker pens, a flipchart, a phone, four soft toys, preferably cats, dogs or moogles - but teddy-bears would do - a toy helicopter, (a Lego one would be good), a sherbet fountain or used firework.
Plastic chairs, if available.
Swords and guns (sticks and water pistols will do).
Sound FX:
Blown up balloons. A pin. A popgun, or someone who can make an effective popping noise using the cheek and finger technique!
DN = Director's Note. 'Useful' advice for directors.
Act One
Scene One
The stage is empty, apart from the flipchart with the green and black pens.
Any four of your actors gallop across the stage, bouncing the soft toys. The largest stuffed toy should be in front, held by your Nanaki actor, if you have one. The actors should try to make galloping sounds with their feet, as of Nanaki and his cubs running. They may pant, if they wish.
Exuent.
Enter Marlene. On the flipchart she writes 498 Years Earlier.
She flips the chart. On the next page she draws a large volcano with the black pen. Keep it simple! A triangle will do.
Marlene stands to the side, stage right.
Reno appears, stage left, holding the phone in one hand, and the toy helicopter (from now on referred to simply as The Helicopter) in the other. He circles aimlessly, holding The Helicopter aloft. Whirring noises are optional.
Enter Tseng and Elena, holding the white sheet between them. They wave it wildly to indicate a snowstorm, then position themselves in front of the flipchart, holding up the sheet by the top corners so that it hides the flipchart from the audience. Elena and Tseng disappear behind the sheet, still holding it up, as a screen.
Enter the rest of the cast, and sit on the floor in front of the first row of the packed audience. They are the chorus, until they're on.
Elena (from behind the sheet): Tseng! Look at this!
Tseng (from behind the sheet): Pay-dirt.
In front of the sheet, Reno wheels pointlessly, listening to the phone. He looks bored.
Elena (from behind the sheet) Not a pretty sight, is it?
Reno: Who can tell? It's behind a friggin' sheet. Uh - I mean, "Who cares? Just get the damn thing!"
Tseng: (from behind the sheet) Reno – the chopper!
Reno: (sighs and shrugs) You got it!
He puts the phone in his pocket. He "flies" The Helicopter slowly sideways towards the sheet, then disappears behind it.
From now on, all lines are spoken from behind the sheet, until otherwise indicated.
Marlene pops the popgun twice.
Tseng: Woah, woah, woah!
Elena: Reno, hurry! Reno!
Reno: Hey, Laney, how much closer do ya want me to get?
Elena (whispers): Shut up! You're not supposed to be here yet!
Marlene pops the popgun again. There is a long silence.
Elena (whispers): Reno! You're here now!
Reno: Oh, right, yeah, sorry. Who the hell is that?
Elena: Ugh!
Reno: Was that your foot?
Elena: No, that was acting.
Reno: Sorry.
Elena: Ungh! Uh!
Tseng: Elena!
Elena: G – Get out!
Reno: Damn it!
Reno emerges from behind the sheet with The Helicopter, and the small cardboard box under his arm.
Reno, to Marlene: What the hell was that all about?
Marlene: Don't worry – all will be revealed.
Reno: Seriously?
Marlene: No.
Reno flies The Helicopter off stage, and goes to sit with the chorus. DN: Your Reno – if he's at all like Reno - will probably try to play with The Helicopter as the play progresses. Stop him.
Tseng and Elena fold up the sheet, and go to sit with the chorus.
End of Scene One.
Scene Two
Belated Prologue. Marlene flips the chart, and turns to the audience.
Marlene: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Marlene Barret-Dyne-Strife-Lockheart, and I will be guiding you on this journey. To those who loved this world and knew friendly company therein – this reunion is for you. And only you. Because – honestly? If you don't know the original game, this is going to make no sense at all. Seriously – you've got no chance of following this. Don't even try. Just enjoy the bishies, and the elegant choreography of the laws-of-physics-defying fight sequences, and the big swords.
Okay. Time for a two-minute summary of everything that's happened so far. You need to know this stuff. Pay attention!
With the green pen, Marlene draws wavy green lines on the flipchart.
Marlene: The Lifestream. (Taps the chart, with the pen). That's what we call the squiggly green lines that flow around our planet giving life to the world and everything in it. They surround us, and penetrate us, and bind the galaxy together. Or something.
The Shin-Ra Electric Power Company –
Cloud, Barret, Cid etc. from the chorus: Boo!
Marlene: The Shin-Ra Electric Power Company found a way to use the Lifestream as an energy source. Basically, because it was an energy source. But an energy source made of life. (Pauses while the audience absorbs the deep implications of this). Anyway, because of Shin-Ra's energy, we were able to power all the different platforms we needed to play the entire compilation! But wasn't that because we were taking away from the planet's life?
There is a very long pause. Marlene looks expectant.
Marlene: Wasn't that because we were taking away from the planet's life? Anyone? Rufus Shinra?
Rufus, from the chorus, looking sheepish: I suppose…
Marlene glares at him.
Marlene (pointedly): Well – a lot of people thought so!
Shin-Ra had a bunch of uber-bullies called SOLDIER who basically killed anyone who got in their way. (Marlene starts to mumble a bit) Jenova cells… Calamity…fell from the skies…whatever.
ANYHOO… There was one SOLDIER called Sephiroth…
Chorus: BOO!
Marlene: …who was better than the rest. Genesis thought he could take him – but he thought wrong. But when Sephy found out that he was just a modified lab-rat with an unfeasibly long sword, he began to hate Shin-Ra. And then, as a perfectly logical consequence of hating Shin-Ra, he began to hate – everything. Which could be seen as something of an over-reaction. But that's what tends to happen if you spend too long in the library.
So, basically – Shin-Ra versus Avalanche: Sephiroth versus everybody.
There were A LOT of battles.
Really. You couldn't travel for more than two minutes in open country without ending up in a battle. And for every battle, there was more sadness.
Well – not for every battle. Because who cares about random monsters? Like, how much grief can you really feel for a cactuar? And that house in the slums? I mean, fighting a house? WTF? – But, yeah. A lot of sadness. Someone I loved went back to the Lifestream too.
Chorus: Scarlet?
Marlene: No!
Chorus: Heidegger?
Marlene: No, not Heidegger. Don't be stupid!
Chorus, variously: Biggs? Jesse? Wedge? President Shinra?
Marlene: Aerith! Aerith of course! Aerith died!
Chorus, mumbling: Oh yeah, shame, hmm, Aerith…
Cloud gets up and wanders wildly about the stage, tearing his hair.
Cloud: Aerith died! It was all my fault! Why? Why? I'm so USELESS and GUILT-RIDDEN!
Tifa gets up, and leads him back to the chorus. She sits him down.
Marlene (looks at her watch). And then came the chosen day: the planet struck back – Midgar in ruins, everything washed away. That was two years ago. Clear? Good. Think that covers everything.
Chorus, variously: What about Sephiroth? How did Aerith die? What turned Cloud Emo? What was all that stuff behind the sheet at the beginning? What happened to Shin-Ra? Who's dead again? What the – is going on?
Marlene carries on regardless: But now everyone's got Geostigma, so it's not over after all. Any other questions? No? Excellent. On we go then.
Marlene sits on the floor, Stage Right.
End of Scene Two
Scene Three
Members of the chorus bring on a chair, with the phone on it. (DN: Remind Reno that the phone's in his pocket).
Enter Denzel. He lies beside Marlene, who looks down at him sympathetically.
Chorus – in true classical style, in unison: Brring-brring! Brring-brring!
Marlene: Tifa – can you get that? I'm helping Denzel with his Geostigma.
Denzel: How does it look?
Marlene: Honestly? Like you stuck your head in a bucket of tar. Oh please don't take Denzel away! Or – take him away, wash him, and bring him back!
Chorus: Brring-Brring!
Enter Tifa, stage left. All right, all right, I'm coming! Cloud – where the hell have you buggered off to, leaving me with a sick kid, another kid, a bar to run in the middle of the world's biggest economic down-turn, and a delivery service to administrate? Aaargh!
Tifa answers the phone.
Tifa: Strife Delivery Service. You name it, we cook it – no – wait – that was the take-out business he started last year. You name it, we del – Oh. It's you. Yeah, I remember you. You – yeah – but… I suppose that's… (giggles…looks embarrassed. Looks down at her chest) You think so? Well, thanks. Yeah… I will…(giggles more). You too. Byeee! No – you hang up! (giggles). Bye. Bye.
(Tifa dials Cloud's number. She sighs.)
Tifa: Cloud? Yeah. Reno…called. He's in Healen. Says he has work for you. You okay, or what?
Exit Tifa, admiring her own breasts wistfully. She hands the phone to Cloud without looking at him.
Exit Marlene, helping Denzel.
End of Scene Three.
Scene Four
Members of the Chorus pile up chairs, if available, into a random stack, stage right. These are the Ruins of Midgar. Zack's sword (if available – otherwise, a stick) is propped against another chair, stage left.
Cloud enters, on imaginary Fenrir, the phone in his pocket.
Cloud: Brmm. Brmm. (He stops, surveying the Ruins of Midgar. He sighs. He sighs again. He stares some more.)
Reno – from the chorus: Get on with it!
Cloud (looking hurt, listens to his phone messages. He sighs. He clutches his arm. He sighs. He exits, on imaginary Fenrir.)
Enter Loz, Yazoo and Kadaj, on imaginary green motorbikes. Yazoo and Loz have their weapons (or sticks). Kadaj is carrying the four soft toys, and riding his 'bike' one handed. Kadaj kicks Zack's sword off the chair and laughs evilly. They look towards the Ruins of Midgar.
Yazoo: The Ruins of Midgar. Never will you find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. Isn't that where Big Bro lives?
Kadaj: Yup.
Loz: Boo hoo.
Yazoo: What're you crying for? We haven't even mentioned Mother, for, like, half an hour! Oh! Now I've mentioned her! Waah!
Loz: Don't cry Yazoo.
Yazoo: Mummy!
Loz: Boo hoo!
Yazoo (sniffs): Don't cry Loz.
Kadaj: Stop crying. (Cloud 'rides' across the stage.) Look – Big Brother. On a bike.
Yazoo: Yeah. And we've all got bikes too…
Loz: Right here.
Yazoo: So we can fight him – on our bikes.
Loz: Which we've all totally got.
Yazoo: Hm.
Loz – nodding: Hm.
Loz and Yazoo look at Kadaj. Kadaj nods.
Kadaj: Hm.
Yazoo – in agreement: Hm.
Loz: Uh – what did 'hm' mean again?
Kadaj (sighs): 'Hm' means: 'You two jump down this bluff, on your bikes, which you've got, and attack Big Brother while I summon the Pocket Doom Beasts and phone Rufus Shinra.'
Loz: Yeah. I thought that's what it meant.
Yazoo – significantly: Hm?
Loz: Hm.
Loz and Yazoo rev their 'bikes' and attack Cloud. DN: Choreograph the fight as you wish – but make it elegant and laws-of-physics-defying.
Kadaj throws the four soft toys at Cloud, laughing manically and crying: Fly my pretties, fly!
Loz: Where's Mother?
Yazoo: We know you've hidden her, brother.
Cloud: No I haven't! I didn't even know she had a brother.
Yazoo: No – no, there was a comma. We know you've hidden her – comma – brother. You're our brother.
Cloud: Oh right. You should enunciate your commas more clearly.
Yazoo: Boy do I hate people who are picky about punctuation. See, with Kadaj, it's liars, and with Loz it's the colour yellow –
Loz (shudders): Ugh – yeah – yellow! Gross!
Yazoo: - but with me – literary pedantry.
Cloud: I'll be careful.
Yazoo: You'll be dead!
They fight some more. The fight becomes slow motion, and finally freezes, as Kadaj hunts for the phone.
Kadaj: Who's got the phone? Where's Mother? Sorry – force of habit. Where's the phone?
Cloud – still frozen: I think it's in my pocket.
Kadaj sighs and goes to get it, exaggeratedly miming getting off his bike. He pats Cloud's pockets.
Cloud: Careful. You'll be getting those fangirls all over-excited.
Kadaj: And we wouldn't want that, would we? (He puts an arm around Loz.) Would we Loz?
Loz – looking uncomfortable: NO!
Kadaj strokes Yazoo's hair: Would we, Yazoo?
Yazoo: Hm.
Cloud hands Kadaj the phone. Kadaj gets back on his 'bike', and everyone else freezes in battle positions.
Kadaj – on the phone: Hello. Where's mother? I think you do have Mother there… There's no need to sh… (He looks down at himself - and giggles. He flips his hair self-consciously) Oh – do you think so? Thanks. Yeah, you too. Well, byee. No you hang up – hey – wait a second! You're leading me on! I don't want to talk to you any more! Put the president on.
Kadaj freezes. The battle recommences. Kadaj and Yazoo pick up two cuddly toys each and slowly lower them over Cloud. Kadaj waves his hand. Loz and Yazoo freeze, then look at each other.
Loz: Hm.
Yazoo: Hm.
They tuck the Pocket Doom Beasts under their arms, and 'bike' off in the direction of Kadaj. Kadaj nods at Cloud.
Kadaj: Hm.
Cloud stares after them, as they exit.
Cloud: What the…? Hm.
End of Scene Four
Scene Five
Members of the chorus take away the Ruins of Midgar, and Zack's sword. They leave the one chair, now positioned stage right.
Marlene writes on the flip-chart with the black pen: Healing (crossed out), Healin (crossed out), Healen Lodge.
Enter Cloud, carrying his sword, or whatever.
Cloud: Sighs. He climbs some imaginary steps, and knocks on an imaginary door.
Enter Reno with his EMR.
Reno opens the door.
Cloud: Who're you?
Reno: It's me - Reno.
Cloud: No way! What happened to you? You've gone all – bishie!
Reno: Yeah, yeah. Happens to us all, man. The bish-over. Comes with a free conscience too, which is kind of a drag… I still kick ass though.
Cloud: Hm.
Reno laughs: Same old Cloud. Ha-yah!
Reno attacks Cloud, who steps aside, as Reno hurtles out of the 'door'.
Cloud: Still kick ass. Yeah – totally see that. (Mimes shutting the door).
Reno: Okay, so you're good.
Enter Rude.
Rude: … (He gets out his rod). DN: Do not let Reno snigger at this stage direction. He knows what it means.
Reno: Yeah, Rude – lookin' sharp!
Rude, looks down at himself. Giggles. Oh – do you think so? Thanks – I… (angrily) – Reno! Stop that!
Reno: Can't help it! Goes with bein' Bish-y.
Cloud: Have you two finished?
Reno: We've only just started. Don't you get it yet? – We're the comic relief – the double-act, yo! Reno and Rude – at Healen Lodge for one night only. Say, Rude, what do ya call a woman juggling bottles of lager? Beatrix! Boom, boom! (DN: or insert any other bad 'name' joke you like).
Cloud: Is that the best you've got?
Reno: No way man! Just getting' warmed up. Okay – here's one: What do you call that sexy brown-haired chick you live with, who Rude's got a massive crush on?
Cloud: Tifa?
Reno: Right. And what do you call her sister, if you take her out for an afternoon drink?
Cloud: I don't know.
Reno: You call her Tifa too! Get it? Cause, like, TEA for TWO…
Cloud: Shut up Reno. (Cloud mimes kicking the door. He looks at Rude, frowning) You have a crush on Tifa?
Rude: …
Cloud attacks. Rude backs off.
Enter Rufus, with the white sheet. He sits in the chair, and drapes the sheet over himself.
Reno: Oh – oh – I've got another one. What do you call a man with part of a house sticking out the back of his pants?
Roof-ass!
There is a very long silence.
Reno: He's there, isn't he?
Rufus: What do you call Reno if he makes one more terrible 'joke' like that?
Reno: Fired?
Rufus: Correct.
Reno – face-palms.
Rufus: Well – that rather spoiled my grand entrance, ne?
Cloud: Rufus Shinra…
Rufus: (waves hand dismissively) Obviously.
Cloud: Do I feel sorry for you.
Rufus: Well, do you?
Cloud: No.
Rufus: On the day of the explosion…
Cloud puts his hands over his ears.
Cloud: La la la!
Rufus: I managed to get out of the building…
Cloud: I can't hear you!
Rufus: …before it collapsed…
Cloud: I neither know nor care what you're saying.
Rufus: (Sighs) Why am I surrounded by children?
Reno: The clue's in the title…
Rufus: We need your assistance, Cloud.
Cloud: Not interested.
Rufus: It goes without saying that everything's my fault. But I want to be a better person and help to change the world. I've seen the future – mako energy was a mistake. I'm thinking fossil fuels – coal, oil… Rigs out at sea, miles of Shinra pipelines, huge tankers sailing back and forth between Junon and the Western Continent! Really – what could possibly go wrong? We just want to make up for the past. We started an investigation in Sephiroth's wake -
Reno: Yup – at the Northern Cave…
Rufus: And what do you think we found? Nothing.
Reno: Nothing at all.
Rude: Zero.
Reno: Nada.
Rufus: Zilch.
Reno: Definitely nothing to do with Jenova. Or her head.
Cloud, confused: Okay…
Rufus: But we were interrupted. By the same three who attacked you – Kadaj and his gang.
Cloud: All right… So what's all this about Mother?
Rufus: Why, did Kadaj say something? I'm not surprised. It's the sort of thing leaders of violent gangs tend to bring up at a first meeting.
Cloud: Is it?
Rufus: Yes. Anyhow – allow me to try a little… emotional blackmail. Aren't there orphans living with you? Don't you want to see them smile again? Don't you? DON'T YOU?
Cloud: I'm listening…
Rufus holds out his hand.
Rufus: All we want in the end is world domin… I mean, to rebuild our world, Cloud.
Reno: Yeah, Cloud. Imagine! Together we could re-build Shin-Ra – just like it was before. Better even! Bigger – more powerful. You could help design the logo.
Cloud: Not interested.
Exit Cloud.
Rude and Rufus: Reno!
Reno: Oops.
End of Scene Five
TBC? "Well, that's up to you", Reviewers...
Or, to quote Kadaj - "Maybe not"...
Anyway - thanks for reading.