It hurt.
It fucking hurt.
There were probably some more poetic ways of putting that. There were probably plenty of adjectives that would dazzle the mind upon hearing and conjure up some deep reflection, but none encompassed exactly how Laxus was feeling that night quite the way that one word did.
He was hurting.
It wasn't eloquent.
It wasn't thought provoking.
It was what it was.
Painful.
Hurtful.
It's not like he hadn't been spending his entire adolescence and then adult life preparing for this moment. It was plain as day that, eventually, it was going to happen. In his darker times, even, he would wish for it to, if not hope to bring it on himself. But there's always a difference between prepping mentally for something and being ready for it to happen. You can anticipate your emotions, calculate from previous experiences, whatever you think will help, you can do. But ultimately? At the end of the day? Nothing prepares you to lose a loved one.
Nothing.
The past few months, as Makarov began to decline health wise, Laxus found himself staying closer to home, trying to stay in Magnolia at all times in order to be there in case his grandfather needed him. Which, the man said many times, he did not.
"I got all these pretty women here, eh? To take care of me?" And Makarov would cackle till he coughed as whichever woman from the guildhall found the best use of their time caring for the old man at his home. When he'd recover and maybe even take a sip of water as well, the old man would always add, "What could I ever need you for?"
Laxus was never too sure, honestly.
He hadn't been since he was a boy.
When he was young, Makarov was, honestly, one of his only friends. It wasn't easy, having Ivan as a father. No more than it was watching your mother die. But Makarov was always there. He was always his Gramps. Even though he was frequently busy with his own life, getting caught up in the struggles that went along with being a guild master, he always found time for Laxus when he was a young boy.
He told him once, when he was about eight, all about how he wasn't too good to Ivan, when he was a boy. That when Ivan was young, he was still a wanderer, like mages, like Ivan was now, and yeah, Ivan wasn't there for him, but that was just how it was. How they were. How Dreyars were.
"But I'm here for you," his grandfather assured him as Laxus sniffled because Ivan had been gone for over a month and hadn't even sent him a letter or nothing to let him know when he'd be back home. "I'll always be here for you, Laxus."
And that was true.
He didn't know it when he was a boy, but he believed it. And it wasn't a lie. Because he was. Makarov was always there for him. Even when Laxus rejected him or caused irreversible damage to his name, Makarov was still there for him. Once, yes, he cast him out from his guild, from his life, but in spirit, Laxus still felt it. Felt him. Deep inside.
If he had fallen out there, when he was finding himself, his grandfather would have been the first to his side.
Had he needed something, even though Makarov was so angry with him, he would have sent it to him. Would have given it to him.
Hell, he let him back into the guild.
No one else would have ever done that.
Not after what Laxus did.
And yes, part of it goes to the type of master Makarov was, as he had done similar things over the years for the likes of Gajeel or others, but it was different with Laxus. What Laxus had done was different. More damaging, honestly, to the guild as a whole.
You can throw a coupe, fail, and then expect things to go back to normal.
Yet there Laxus was, in no time at all it felt like, living and dying for the crest that his chest had been missing far too long.
Makarov loved him.
No one else loved him.
Not like that.
The Thunder Legion, yeah, they loved him, but they didn't love him. They loved the idea of him. Of his power and prowess and the fact that even though they were misfits, even in the confides of Fairy Tail, he'd taken them in. He'd looked out for them. He'd made them who they were.
But that wasn't love.
At least not in its purest form.
Makarov loved Laxus the first time he saw him, all swaddled up in a blanket, freshly born and already scowling at the world. He loved him when he had no personality and no direction. He loved him when he got a personality and it sour as well as a direction that wasn't much better. He loved him when he failed, he loved him when he succeeded.
He loved him in a way that only a father could.
Because that's what Makarov truly was to Laxus; a father.
Not in the physical sense, fine, but in the mental, certainly. Maybe at some point, when his mind wasn't so muddled, Ivan cared for Laxus. Maybe he even loved him. But as with all things in the man's life, things got perverted and twisted around, leaving him a horrible monster of a man. He had no love left for a son that he saw as only further complicating his life and, as Laxus found eventually, the only amount that he had ever mustered up to show him had all been a fallacy in an attempt to harvest a living, breathing, part of him. Ivan wanted to carve the lacrima from Laxus' body at all costs in an attempt to amass enough power to finally be seen as worthy in the eyes of a man who'd never seen him that way to begin with.
It was a fucked situation all around. And for all the hate that he had inside, Laxus found it difficult to fully say he hated Ivan.
No.
It wasn't that.
He hated what he became, he hated the actions he took everyday to further cement himself as the man that he was, but no, as whole? Laxus Ivan didn't hate Ivan.
He never would.
But he'd never see him as a father again. That had long been established. He never would be, after all, and to see him as such would only be childish. Laxus wasn't a child anymore. No, he was a man now. A man that knew who was the one that truly raised him, was always there for him.
Even though he didn't always deserve for him to be.
Things like this bothered Laxus a lot in those final months, final weeks, the last days. He felt like he'd wasted so much time rejecting Makarov and building up this impenetrable wall around himself all because of a misunderstanding when he was a teenager. That, even when things were all settled between the two of them, it was never rightly the same. How could it be? Some things can't be unsaid and others can't be undone. You can patch them over and even leave them behind, but the wounds are still there. They may heal, but scars stay forever, no matter how faded.
Neither ever truly sat down and talked about all that had happened between them. Even though knew they should and he was certain Makarov felt so as well, the timing was never right. Something always seemed off. Laxus felt apologies die in his throat and tears dissolve themselves back behind his eyes, refusing to fall.
Now though, that the times had past and the clock had struck, leaving him without an option to ever do so, the tears fell freely and the apologies flowed easy past the guilt and uncertainty that he'd held onto for so long. He wailed to himself, alone in his apartment, for all the mistakes he'd made and inaction he'd taken, those last few months, to tell the man what he really felt about him.
He was at a loss, for many reasons, but mainly because it was finally rang true.
Laxus was alone.
He had a guild, he had friends, he even had Ivan, somewhere, out there, but he was alone. There was no way around it.
For someone that had spent his whole life boasting about being so, finding himself truly that way crippled him like nothing else ever had.
But he couldn't sulk forever. For one,. Makarov's funeral had to be planned. And, given the man's notoriety, it would be no small feat. But for another, in those final days, Makarov had finally passed over the final reigns of the operation to his grandson.
Laxus Dreyar was now Master Laxus.
And on top of all the grief that was swirling around inside of him, he now had to include that added stress into everything.
The guildhall closed for the past two days and it finally time for Laxus do something about that. Which is why, when he left his apartment that night, it was with the intention of heading over there and going ahead and getting a feel for his stomach upon entering. If he was going to wretch and sob over the whole ordeal, he wanted to do it completely alone.
The walk there felt odd and he his music didn't help him any, so he didn't sport his headphones. Only kept the collar of his fluffy jacket up and glared down at the ground as he walked through the streets, hoping not to run into anyone on the way there.
Something was off though, when he arrived. Very off. The place was unlocked and all the lights were on. Someone clearly there even though he'd given orders to Mirajane and Kinana to be certain no one came around until he reopened it.
It was soft too. The crying. It shocked at first because he hadn't heard anyone else's voice in two days, since he barred himself off at his apartment, but there was someone there, doing the same thing he'd intended too.
He felt angry at first. For many reasons. That someone else was crying, in his guildhall, over his grandfather was a main one. Another was that someone had not down as he'd asked and he was Master now so that was, obviously, like, a kick out of guild offense because he was gonna be a stickler, for sure. If you couldn't conform, then you could find yourself out on your ass.
When he found where they were though and who it was, he just felt...numb. Concerned, maybe, but also out of his element. He wanted to go back home, mainly, and get far away from there, from the situation.
He wanted Makarov to deal with it, honestly, but Makarov wasn't the master anymore. Laxus was.
Laxus was the master.
So, Mirajane sobbing on the floor of the office of said master meant it was his job to deal with.
He stood in the doorway for a second as she sat on the ground, beside the filing cabinet, having been pulling something out from there. Instead of him speaking though and taking an assertive role over the situation, she noticed his presence first and immediately started to rub at her tearful eyes.
"L-Laxus," she stuttered as she struggled to get up and dry her wet face all at the same time. "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you come in. I-"
"What are you doing here?" he asked because was an idiot7 and never rightly knew how to handle such a thing. You know, crying. Especially in women. It made him uneasy. Which turned him into a complete moron. "Mira?"
"I, um, you know, I..." He'd startled her and it was clear, but he was doing her no favors then as he only stood there, awaiting a response. Once she was finally able to look him in the eyes, she only held up the files in her hand. "I was getting things organized."
"Organized?"
"Yeah," she agreed with a nod before motioning towards him. "For you, La- Master."
He blinked a bit before reaching up to scratch at his beard. "Well...I thought I told you to no one was supposed to-"
"I know. But I just thought… I didn't think you would… I should go," she decided then. "I'll finish up when you reopen the-"
"You don't have to," he said though he wasn't sure why he did so. It just kind of tumbled out. "Leave. Mirajane. If you were… What were you doing? Organizing, you said?"
That got her to nod a bit. "You know, preparing for a new master. There's a lot of paperwork that goes into that and I was hoping to get some of Mast- Makarov's things out of here, so that you wouldn't have to. I'm sure that you'll choose someone else, of course, to do all these things for you when you truly take over, but-"
"What do you mean?"
"You know," she said then with a bit of a shrug, "the things I did for Makarov."
"Aren't they part of your job?"
"They weren't originally," she said with a shrug. "I'm actually only hired to be the head barmaid. But Master Makarov had me do all sorts of other things. As he got older, of course, most things, but overall, I did most of his paperwork and filing and such. Kept after finances. Those sorts of things."
"Why would I get someone new to do all of that?" he asked. "I mean, if you don't wanna do it anymore-"
"It's not that," she said quickly and they both felt could feel the awkwardness of the entire situation, if not the downright absurdity. It wasn't lost on either that there were more pressing things to be discussing, if not downright fretting about, but maybe there was something to it, anyways. Ignoring those things and focusing on the minor. "It's just, you know, you have your bodyguards-"
"I highly doubt one of them would wanna hang around here all day," he grumbled some. "Avoid going out on jobs. To do the work that I find too boring to do."
"I'm sure they would if you ask," she insisted. "Freed, Bickslow, Ever; they'd do anything if you asked them do."
Yeah. They would.
Which is why he'd never ask.
"Yeah, well, for now anyways," he sighed as he took a step back from the doorway some, "perhaps its just best if you keep doing whatever it is that you do and we go from there. If you would, I mean."
"Of course, Master."
"And you don't have to call me that," he added on, as if in a bit of a gripe. "Seriously, Mirajane, knock it off. We've known one another since forever."
But that was true of everyone and, in that moment, he feared that he wouldn't be able to handle hearing it after all. The one thing that he'd always coveted hearing. Master. There had always been an inherent kernel of respect that went along with the title and that was something that Laxus definitely reveled in. For some reason, however, he was finding that hearing someone who'd been in his life for so long refer to him in a revered way just felt...wrong.
He hoped that this wouldn't be the case for everyone or else his stint as guild master might be mighty different than he'd always envisioned. And perhaps that was part of the problem. His thoughts had always been directed towards becoming the master at Fairy Tail and, now that it was there, he was certain that most of the things that he'd always thought would turn out a certain way would probably be the opposite. Dreams never come to fruition in the way that you imagine and things never go the way that they're planned.
Honestly, feeling awkward over being called Master could be chalked up to a lot of things.
It was hardly anything to focus on for the time being.
"That's what you are though now, Laxus," Mirajane assured him. "Of course, it's up to you what you are called, but I always found it...comforting, really. To call him Master. He was so...special to me. To all of uis."
"Mira, don't-"
But it was too late. She was tearing up again and he could only look away as, softly, her tears began to fall.,
"I never thought I'd feel this way again," she said through her gentle sobs. "I thought that I'd be more ready for it, you know? For Master to...but I'm not. I wasn't. It's like losing a family member." Then she made a face and glanced over at him, "Well, it's exactly like that for you. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"
"No, you're right," he whispered. "It's like that for you too."
That was another thing that always hung him up about his grandfather. Because Makarov was his gramps, but he was everyone's Gramps and that really caused issues for him when he was going through his rebellion. It always felt like these little posers were taking up the time that he once had with his grandfather all because their mothers and fathers were gone. So? His were too. But he still had his grandfather and he didn't quite like the idea of having to share him with any of them.
It was kind of the same that Makarov died. Maybe even the reason he shut down the guildhall. Because everyone would be in mourning, as would be their right, but Laxus wouldn't be able to take that. Makarov wasn't the father of all these lost children; he was his grandfather. His. And that meant that he meant more to him than anyone else.
Watching Mirajane though, he knew that his thinking was flawed. Hell, even before he saw her so distraught, days out, he'd known that he was acting irrational. If he found Makarov to be more of a father figure to him than his own father, it wasn't hard to see how all the other orphaned and forgotten children that came through the big wooden doors of the guildhall felt the same way. He pushed you, Makarov did, and at times could aggravate you, but ultimately he was kind and fair. Most importantly though, he was forgiving. And he believed in you. Even when no one else did. He saw of someone like Natsu and Erza, but didn't use those facts to discredit the likes of Levy or Cana. He truly believed in the things he preached on how the power of friendship and love, as corny as it sounded, truly could find a way to vanquish the dark. Maybe not when on your time, but definitely in time.
He was a leader. A father. And someone who truly knew what it meant to be in command. As much as he'd hated certain aspects of his grandfather's style in his youth, as Laxus got older, he only respected it more and more. In the coming months, he was sure he'd find this to be even more so abundantly true.
Nodding a bit, Mira said, "Everyone's all worried about what's gonna happen to the guild now. You know if… No one's really sure what you want around here. Now. But...I know you'll do the right thing, Laxus. With everything."
Staring at her for a long moment, he said with a slight nod, "I'll try, anyways."
Mirajane wiped at her eyes before she asked, "Did you want me to leave now? Or-"
"No, stay." That time, the step he took was forwards. "I'll help you. You know, get all of Gramps stuff together. I'm the one that's gotta take it, I guess."
"Yeah," Mira sighed as she turned to glance at the old man's desk. "I guess."
The gauche atmosphere died down some and, though Mirajane and Laxus were in no way close, but being around another person again was actually nicer than he thought it would be. And he could tell too that Mirajane was glad to have someone else around, going through the recently passed man's things.
"I wanna open the guild up again," he told her at one point, which got Mira to look up at him in surprise. "Tomorrow. Is that possible or-"
"Oh, Laxus, that's great!" And she even sounded happy there, for a moment or two. "It will be so good for everyone to be around one another again, here, in the hall. It helps with healing too. You have to be around other people to get over something like this. You just have to."
She looked off for a moment then, as if considering what she'd said, before speaking again.
"When I lost Lisanna," she added softly, "I thought my whole world was over. I lost my parents when I was young, but when Lisanna..."
"You don't gotta talk about that, Mira," he told her with a bit of unease. "You-"
"I felt so alone," she said then which put an end to his attempts at ending the conversation. "Completely alone. Even though I had Elf and the guild and… I just wanted to run away and hide and pretend that it didn't happen. That none of it had happened. When my parents died, I had something to still work towards, you know? Taking care of Elfman and Lisanna? But once Lisanna was gone...and Elfman was so old… I felt like killing myself."
"Mira, we really don't have to talk about this," he insisted then, glancing up from the paperweight he'd been moving to the box of things to take back home. "Seriously."
"I have to," she said as, after he set the paperweight down, she picked it up, staring down at the item forlornly. "I want to tell someone, I mean. About how Master… Your grandfather's the one that, you know, helped me through that. And I just thought that you should know that. I don't think I'll ever have another reason to tell you and I'm sure in the next few days, all you'll hear from others is about how great of a man he was, but when I needed him, he was there."
"I might have heard something like that, yeah," Laxus muttered, swallowing a bit. "Not about… But that he's the one that talked you into coming back or whatever."
"He came to see me, a lot, at my house when I refused to show my face in the guildhall again," the barmaid told him. "I told him that I couldn't go back there, that I didn't want to be a mage anymore. Ever again. And he only smiled and told me that there's much more to it, you know, being a part of a guild, than just being a wizard. Then that next week, there was a placement open for barmaid and...and here I am."
"Yeah." Laxus could only stare. "Here you are."
Her smile wasn't full, not even close, but it was present, at least.
"I wasn't very good at first either," she said with a shake of her head. "But he made me persevere. Keep working at it. He told me that if I kept it up, then something would just click and I'd be great at it. There were days when I didn't wanna get up so early or deal with everybody else's problems when I felt like mine was so much bigger, but Master… He always knew what to say to make it all go away. I would have never gotten through that without him. Now… How are we supposed to get through this?"
Laxus didn't have the answer to that. Yet. So he only stood there, silently, hoping that she didn't start crying again. Though she did tear up, there was none of that. They didn't spend much time together after that anyways. Mirajane seemed to have reached her limit for the day. Not to mention with them opening the next day, she needed to get home and get some rest.
"Just try not to be so alone for too long, Laxus," was all she said as he walked her to the front of the hall where she began to collect her things to leave. "Okay?"
He nodded and then she was off, leaving him alone in the hall finally. Like he'd wanted originally. But...something had changed. He wasn't sure what, but whatever it was caused him to place three similar lacrima calls.
"Do you think you could come down to the hall?" he asked each time, trying hard to sound more like his normal self. "I, uh, need some help with things."
It didn't take long for the Thunder Legion to turn up there and, the second they were, he made it very clear that he had no intentions of sitting around and talking. Nope. They had to get the hall cleaned from top to bottom and all stocked up properly. All three were a bit shocked that this was why they'd been summoned there, but were never ones to question their idol.
"Shouldn't Mira and Kinana being doing this stuff though?" Evergreen complained when she was assigned with scrubbing the toilets. "Laxus?"
"Mirajane and Kinana will have enough going on," he griped right back. "Hall will be filled. And I ain't paying them any overtime. Coming in early and all. I run a tight ship."
Freed saluted him, but Bickslow, softly, asked Evergreen, "Does that mean we'll get paid for doing what they'd get paid overtime for?"
"Do I hear complaints?" Laxus called from where he was busy scrubbing down the bar. "No? Then get back to work!"
Not that any of them minding, honestly, being up so late at night doing what seemed to be pretty menial tasks. As time went on, it became obvious to all three of them that Laxus was enjoying their company more than actually thinking the guild needed such extensive work.
They took a break around five in the morning which consisted of Freed cooking them all something to eat and Evergreen trying to sneak the fact she was definitely boozing at such an early hour. Bickslow spent the time trying to entertain Laxus with all the cool tricks he and his wooden babies could do. Though only the first of the three actually succeeded, Laxus gave the other two A's for their effort.
Freed had just served all of them when the guildhall doors opened and Mirajane Strauss walked back in. She was actually in the middle of a yawn, but at the sight of the other four stopped for a moment.
"Laxus," she said in shock, standing just inside the building, staring at the table they'd taken their seats at. "You're still here?"
As the Thunder Legion looked on, the slayer only nodded a bit before looking back to his plate.
"Got the place all ready for opening," was all he said with a bit of a shrug. "So you can just focus on getting the word out."
"But-"
"Mira, we got it." And he looked back over at her then. He didn't smile or anything close, but he did look right in the eyes as he said, "That's how we'll get through it. We'll all work together."
It was a pretty weird thing to say for his three friends, but hearing it seemed to do something for Mirajane who smiled far too widely, Evergreen felt, but she kept her thoughts to herself for once.
"I'll be back then," she said, turning to head out. "Should we open around ten, Laxus?"
"That'd be perfect."
For a moment the big doors shut behind her, Laxus actually felt pretty confident in this gameplan of getting through the current day.
Then Freed asked, "Laxus, you do not think that Mirajane will go around announcing to people that the guild is open this moment, do you?"
"So what if she does?"
"Have you checked the hour?" the rune mage asked. "I highly doubt many would want her going door to door until at least seven, if not later."
"Surely wouldn't go about it right now," Laxus grumbled. "I did give her till ten."
"But then again," Bickslow said slowly, "she is Mirajane Strauss."
And he only sat there for another second, Laxus did, before bouncing up to go catch the woman and explain.
But even though it was a bit annoying having to run her down only to find out that she definitely was planning on going around and alerting people before the dawn had even broken the plane, Laxus tried not to be too annoyed with her.
After all, it was Mirajane who reminded him of something important.
You can be as alone as you want. Some days more than others. Its part of life. But just like with everything else, there's a time and place for it. Nothing lasts forever. Even though the only other Dreyar Laxus might ever see would be himself staring back from the other side of a mirror, he had a more important family that he got to see every single time someone flashed their guild marking.
If he was going to be the leader of Fairy Tail, he had to be ready for everything that went along with that. Each and every quirky member.
Honestly? Now that he'd pretty much figured out one of the Strausses, he was pretty certain he could handle all the others. Dragneel might give him some damn trouble, but he wasn't even sure the old man had ever figured Natsu out.
"If you're sure you want me to wait, Laxus," Mira sighed as they stood out in the darkness of the early morning hour, "then I guess I could go back home and-"
"No." He even shook his head. "You can come back in. Eat with us."
"But you guys seemed like you were having one of your, you know, Thunder….Raijin…things."
"I'm the guild master now, Mirajane." He nodded back towards the hall. "Maybe I'll make it a habit to break bread with random members frequently. You don't know."
"Like who, Laxus?"
"Your sister," he said as they fell in step together, headed back to the guild. "Lisanna. Uh, Erza. Cana. Lucy. Levy. J-"
"Why are you only listing the women?"
"Why are you already poking holes in my idea?"
Mirajane giggled a bit and things already felt back to normal. Or at leas the new version of it.
"It is part of my duties, right?" she asked. "Keeping the filthy master away from the young, impressionable women?"
"Filthy?"
"Is that the part of things you got hung up on?"
"Well, I feel like it was thrown in unfairly."
"I guess we'll just have to wait and see then," she decided as they made it to the gates that surrounded the hall. "Laxus."
He only reached to open the them as he agreed softly, "I guess we will."