What Heaven Lost

"Samandriel was good."
"Samandriel was broken! He gave secrets I would have died to protect!"
 The conversation played in my head over and over again. Even after three weeks, it would not leave me. Nor would the incident that had caused it. I hated it, hated what I had been forced to do, and more importantly, I hated myself because once again, there was innocent blood on my hands, and I had been unable to do anything to stop myself. How many more had to die because of me? Heaven had lost a good little soldier, just as they had lost so many others, and once again, it was all my fault.

I had to get away from Naomi, and from everyone and everything else. I left heaven and found a place that was uninhabited, save for the woodland creatures. I knew I would be found, and I knew Naomi would drag me back to heaven, whether or not I wanted to return, but for now, I desperately needed to clear my head.

I sat on a fallen tree and closed my eyes, bowing my head. All of this to pay for my transgressions. I deserved any form of suffering I was receiving, but why did he have to suffer, too? Yes, he had revealed secrets that might be detrimental to the rest of us, but how many of us even knew we were carrying such secrets? Besides that, he had dealt with weeks of prying and torture, methods we didn't even completely know, and to be honest, I didn't care to find out. Who would want to even imagine it? However, that's just how we operated, wasn't it? Kill first, ask questions later. I couldn't help but feel it was wrong in this case. If our father was around, I doubt he would have encouraged this. However, it wasn't my place to doubt or to question orders. I knew what that would do by now. However, one thing that could not be erased was my guilt. That would never go away.

I gave a heavy sigh and began watching some nearby birds go about their day, trying to stop my awful thoughts that would not go away.

Just then, I heard it. The flutter of wings which were not from the birds, but from one of my own kind. I had been found already, but I did not turn to see who it was yet. Then, I heard a voice which would have stopped my heart, if angels had hearts. It was soft and gentle, and I knew it must be my own imagination trying to drive me insane. The voice could not exist, because the voice was no more.

"Castiel?" I didn't, couldn't turn to confirm who it was. After all, even if they still existed, I did not deserve their presence.

"Castiel." This time the voice was a bit more urgent as I felt a hand fall upon my shoulder. I turned, eyes widening as my suspicions were confirmed when they fell upon a young, blonde vessel.

"Sa… Samandriel?" I stood up, facing him fully and trying my best to maintain my composure. "But you… I felt you die right in my grasp. I… I killed you… With my own blade." I looked away, hearing a soft sigh from the other.

"It… It wasn't your fault. I mean… You saved me. Sure, it was your hand, but why would you do that if you had truly meant to kill me? I know you, Castiel, and you are many things, but never cruel. I know you would never willingly hurt me, and even if you did, it doesn't matter. I'm here, and I'm alive somehow. I just thought that you might like to know." I slowly looked up, my own guilt becoming visible. I knew this because Samandriel's expression had fallen to a sympathetic frown.

"You give so much of yourself to others, and yet you're always so hard on yourself. It's like I told your human friends. Too much heart. Your heart is too big." He lightly bit his lip for a moment. "What happened to me wasn't your fault. It was mine for not being careful enough. Please don't hate yourself because of me. You did the best you could, and besides, I'm safe now. It's ok, really. I forgive you. I just wish you would learn to forgive yourself."

I found myself overcome. Even now, looking at his attempted murderer, he showed so much compassion. I pulled him into an embrace, similar to the ones Sam and Dean had given me. "I'm so sorry." I felt my throat tighten as I fought back tears. "You didn't deserve anything that happened to you, and then I-" I trailed off, feeling his arms wrap around me for a moment before he pulled away, gently, as would be expected.

"It wasn't your fault, and you didn't kill me." A soft smile traced across his face. "And you know something else? I'm very glad you returned from Purgatory." A weak smile trace across my face.

"And I am glad… So very glad that you are alive."