Howl

by RewindedMiracle

"If you could only see the beast you've made of me." Mahariel/Morrigan/Merrill.

A/N: One shot! I wanted to do something different. I hope you guys enjoy. My Warden…was very dark.

"Howl"

If you could only see the beast you've made of me
I held it in but now it seems you've set it running free
Screaming in the dark, I howl when we're apart
Drag my teeth across your chest to taste your beating heart

It was the first time that he had seen her cry. He knew that she'd deny it if anyone asked but Theron knew that this would be the last time that he would see Morrigan. His throat tightened as she hit him square in the chest with her fist. He wrapped his arms around her, ready to give in to anything that she asked. She had teased him that love was a weakness and here she was, angry that he couldn't go through the Eluvian with her. Creators help him. The old magic of his people had cost him so much already and now it was about to take something else from him. Her. He had too many ties to Ferelden that he couldn't leave. His instincts told him that his time was not ready. "You toy with my emotions elf," the dark haired beauty spat at him before she pulled away. He was at a loss for words as she turned from him. Theron reached out for Morrigan. The witch whirled around and sank her claw like finger nails into his skin. Blood for blood, he supposed. "You would not even come for the child?"

Theron shook his head. "You say he's safe," he started, and picked his words carefully, "I trust you." He finally swallowed back the tension that held onto his throat. He didn't think goodbye would be hard. "But you're on a path that I cannot follow." She stared at him and nodded. She understood.

"Tis better this way," she agreed, "This is why I told you not to follow me." Her fire colored eyes glistened and Theron gave her a small smile. "Goodbye, my love, we will not meet again." He pulled her to him, not caring that Finn and Ariane were watching. The feral feelings he had around Morrigan were instinctive. He had always felt animalistic when he was with her. He forgot his Dalish nature. His cynicism had matched hers. His affinity for pain was what had always brought her back to him, even when she had first tried to walk away. He had been ruthless with her by his side. He had broken the Circle of Magi during the time of the Blight. He had killed a Keeper. He had sided with the dragon cult when he searched for the shemlen idol, Andraste. Blood was permanently stained on his hands. So many lives had been lost thanks to him it started with the mages in the tower, all the children…Leliana. That had all been for Morrigan. In the tower, that old harpy of a woman would've killed her if he hadn't. The red haired bard had turned on him after he poured the dragons blood on Andraste's ashes. The Orlesian Arlessa in Redcliffe, Theron couldn't even remember her name, had died by his blessing. He decimated the Crows when they came after Zevran, and burned the city of Amaranthine. Tamlen might as well had been his fault too.

He had lost himself when Morrigan was around. She was Dirthamen's Raven of Deceit. He hadn't been able to see it until she left him. He had gone on this ridiculous quest with her death planned in his head. One could call it vengeance. It had only been fair after her betrayal but when he saw her, the animal had reared its ugly head again. The beast inside of him wanted to rip through his soul and follow her to a world that wasn't meant for him. Theron looked past her at the Eluvian. The Elvhenan had used the mirrors for communication and transportation. He knew where she was going. She was going to the Beyond. He wasn't worthy. He'd never be worthy.

"May the Creators watch over you Morrigan," he whispered before she walked into the portal. He stared at it before it turned back into a regular mirror. Her magic had taken away its power. She would not be coming back this way and he could not follow. With her warnings about Flemeth, Theron wondered if Morrigan even knew what she was truly doing. Silence had taken over the Wastes. Not too far from him had been where he had slain the Mother. The Eluvian, for all it was worth, should have been tainted but you never knew when it came to the dark haired beauty. But that was her way, she always kept you guessing.

My fingers claw your skin, try to tear my way in
You are the moon that breaks the night for which I have to howl
My fingers claw your skin, try to tear my way in
You are the moon that breaks the night for which I have to

Scars ran down his forearms. They were self inflicted to punish himself for his misdeeds of the past. He was done with the Wardens. Valenna was gone. Anders left. Alistair was playing king. The Raven of Deciet was still haunting him. With her last knowing glance, she had left a deep scar within him. Theron barely spoke and stepped down as Commander of the Grey. They needed someone who still had their focus. The needed someone who knew how to tame their beast inside. It was in men's heart that the deepest of the darkness had occurred and with all his times among the shemlen, he had fallen prey to their ways. He was no longer one of the People. He had often thought about letting the beast free. He had often thought about returning to the Deep Roads and never returning. The beast would take down all the darkspawn that it could be finally being over taken by its enemy. Theron was long from hearing the Calling, but it was close.

Night had fallen and the gift of Mythal, the moon, hung high in the sky. He had a decision to make and he soon came to a conclusion. He had to find his clan before they were beyond his reached and before he was too far gone that Mythal could not save him. Marethari would know what to do. Ashalle would be his savior.

They both could rid him of the beast and perhaps then, he could return home.

Now there's no holding back, I'm making to attack
My blood is singing with your voice, I want to pour it out
The saints can't help me now, the ropes have been unbound
I hunt for you with bloody feet across the hollow ground
Like some child possessed, the beast howls in my veins
I want to find you tear out all your tenderness

He did not expect them to be in the Free Marches. Ashalle had said that his feet would always guide him back to the people if he would just let them. It didn't take him long to find the Sabrae clan at the base of Sundermount. They would brand him with the Dread Wolf if they could. He was no trickster. He would never betray his people but in a way… he had already done so unintentionally. He was losing himself and he feared that soon he'd be too far gone. Though when he arrived, what he found had not been expected. Theron looked at the bodies, freshly dead. His fists had balled as they hung by his side. Who…Who could do such a thing? He used the taint to stretch out through the camp to see if this scene…this mutilation had been at the hands of the darkspawn. He knew that it would be easier to deal with if it had been but he had no such luck. What happened there had felt different and that was the best way he could explain it. So many recognizable faces stared at him, Creators give them peace and may Falon'Din guide them through the Beyond. He brought up a hand and rubbed his forehead. The stench of death had not taken the now hollow ground. Where was the Keeper? Where was Ashalle?

Who would do this? Who would murder his people? Some bodies had wounds of a swords and arrows. Others seemed untouched. Magic. His instincts told him. Anger boiled. That was when he saw her. A numb feeling took over his body. Familiar brown eyes stared blankly at him. He dropped to his knees next to her. "Forgive me," he whispered. He brought up a hand and ran his fingers through soft gray hair before he trailed them down her face to close her eyes. He muttered a prayer for her. The woman who was just like a mother to him was now gone. Elgar'nan watch over him. He would find out who did this to them. Movement stirred close to him and in an instant flash, Theron pulled out Duncans dagger and whirled around to find a dark haired woman looking at him. His blade lightly touched her skin. "Who are you?" He asked her. Her blue eyes offered friendship but there would be none.

"You're the first person I've run into who doesn't know my name," she replied. Her sarcasm wasn't winning her any favor.

"I don't care, shemlen."

"My name is Marian Hawke. Are you one of the People?" Theron gave her a look that said the answer was more than obvious. "Ok, I get it." He watched her hesitate. "My first times through here I've never seen you."

"I'm from Ferelden," he replied, "This was my clan. Do you know what happened to them?"

"I'd find it easier to reply with your blade away from my throat." One eyebrow rose on her features but Theron did not waiver. The beast inside him craved blood. The beast told him that she had something to do with the tragedy.

"Your request has been noted but it will not be granted," he told her matching her tone.

"Mahariel! No!"

The hunger had been replaced with pain. He knew the voice but why did she live when the others suffered? He looked past Hawke to two faces he recognized and one that he didn't. "I assume with the Keeper gone, the Dread Wolf finally has made his appearance." Merrill looked like she was hanging by a thread. "Anders… I didn't expect to see you here."

The blonde former Grey Warden shrugged one shoulder. He looked like he was just about to crumble apart as well. "We usually find each other in the oddest situations, don't you think, Theron?" He asked. The dwarf next to him let out a short laugh.

"Well what a reunion," he said.

Theron shook his head. "Did you do this?" He asked them. Creators help him. "What happened here?" His eyes were settled on Merril mostly. He watched the dark haired elf as tears poured down her face.

"Mahariel…" She whispered, "I'm so sorry."

"So you're the Hero of Ferelden?" Hawke asked him. Theron stared at the woman still at the end of his blade. Anders had his staff in his hands, ready to be used. The two men seemed to be waiting for this woman's word. So much for friendship. Then again, Morrigan had taught him that most friendships were a lie. Once they were done with what they needed from you, you were no longer friends.

"I asked my question first," he reminded her.

"They attacked Merrill," Hawke told him simply, "We defended her." That had been an answer that he hadn't expected. He lowered his blade and staggered back slightly. No. How…How could they? The beast roared inside him and Theron brought up his hands to his head. He couldn't. He couldn't harm Merrill. Stop it. Before he knew what he was doing, Theron threw his dagger at Hawke, she moved quickly but she didn't escape unscathed. He was easily outnumbered but he didn't care. The blank stare of Ashalle's face was burned into his vision. No matter what happened, that could not be erased. He pulled out Starfang and managed to dodge a spell from Anders. A crossbow arrow zoomed for him but Theron knocked it away. They were quick but he was quicker. Merrill had been the only one to not make a move against him…and she was the one he was after.

"Stop!" He heard his former clan mate scream.

"Stop, please," Hawke agreed and he felt him knocked back. Theron scrambled to his feet.

"I don't wish to fight you," Anders told him but the look on the dwarfs face told him that he felt otherwise.

Breathe. "Why?" He asked Merrill. "Tell me why." She looked apologetic. He turned away from her, as the beast was submerged. He couldn't kill her. "It doesn't matter… Please allow me to mourn their loss. Where is the Keeper?"

"In a cave towards the mountain," Hawke replied. Theron could smell blood. "We won't harm you," she continued, "But do not think we won't hesitate to change that if you step foot in Kirkwall."

"And what do you have to say Anders?" Theron asked his old friend.

"Nothing."

And howl, howl
Howl, howl

His rage escaped him. The four were gone. Killing them would have changed nothing. Killing them would not bring his people back. A guttural scream left his lips. His soul vibrated in agony and his fist went through the wood of an aravel. Night had fallen and he had buried the bodies of his clan. He had no tree to plant on the top of their remains. Their memories would be tainted and their rites weren't completed. They would not find peace in the Beyond. Theron pulled away from the aravel. New scars would form on his hands within days. He fell to his knees again and pounded on the ground. The damp earth gave away easily to his strength. He could not rid himself of the beast. Any hope of that had gone with the last breaths of those important to him. If only he had arrived earlier. They could've stood a chance. They could have survived. Theron would have gladly given his life in exchange for his clan to live.

If only.

"Theron."

"Go away Merrill."

"Was that you screaming?" Her voice was innocent but it angered him. He turned to look at her. She looked more delicate that she did when he last saw her in Ferelden. Was she just a shell of the Merrill he knew? Why did looking at her make him feel like he was looking at a mirror image of himself?

"No," he replied flatly, "It was a ghost."

"I didn't think their voices would arrive so quickly," she whispered and looked down. He watched her shift awkwardly. She looked so frail compared to his larger frame. "I didn't want them to die."

"It's too late for that," he told her, "Did you come here to punish yourself? Why even bother?"

"I felt like you needed to hear the story. It was unfair of me to leave you with questions." She relayed her story about how she had accepted a spirits help to restore the Eluvian that… Theron's body stiffened. She had the Eluvian that took Tamlen away from him. How could she even dare to think that she could do such a thing? She resorted to blood magic. The beast roared inside of him. She told him about how the Keeper had taken the demon into her soul to save Merrill. His eyes narrowed at her. "I tried to talk to them… I tried to make them see reason."

"There was no reason for their death!" He roared at her, "How could you be so stupid? How could you think that we would regain glory for restoring that piece of our history? It's nothing but a mirror." He lied to her. Images of Morrigan walking through the portal had flashed through his head. "You do not know what it leads to. You do not wish to know. It took Tamlen." And Morrigan. It had been in different ways but the end result was still the same. "It could take you. You were doing the demons will. No good could have come from that." Was that how he saw Morrigan? And what of his child with the soul of a Old God? "You should leave."

"But I don't want to," she told him. She reached out and touched his arms. "Did the darkspawn do that to you?" No. He did it himself. "I've…heard stories about you." None of them good. He was a monster. "I didn't want to believe them." She should have. "I've thought about you every day since you left our clan." She hadn't even been born into the clan like he had been. How could she call them hers and betray them? Betrayal… It was like a sickening brand that only wished to further burn into him.

Be careful of the curse that falls on young lovers
Starts so soft and sweet and turns them to hunters
Hunters, hunters, hunters. Hunters, hunters, hunters
The fabric of your flesh, thin as a wedding dress
Until I wrap myself inside your arms I cannot rest
The saints can't help me now, the ropes have been unbound
I hunt for you with bloodied feet across the hollow ground

She had wanted him. That had been made apparent. The way her hips swayed as she walked to him. Theron was capable of killing her and probably wouldn't think twice about it. He could feel her sweet breath against his skin. Her head tilted upwards and their lips touched. She whispered apologies before she pulled him closer. She tugged at his armor and he at hers. Responding was in his nature, whether it was right or wrong, the beast had found its new prey. She whispered three words he had longed to hear. They were the words that he had wanted from Morrigan. The ones she had readily laughed at him for and the ones that made him fight so hard to get her to see…to see that he'd burn the world for her if he could. He found themselves on the ground. Her body above him made her look like a wood nymph. Her fingers sunk into the skin on his chest, drawing blood. She leaned down as she felt the fullness of him enter her. A light gasp escaped her lips. Her wet tongue flickered against his freshly made wounds and his hips thrusted against hers.

She cried out his name and he whispered the wrong one. His eyes locked onto hers for a moment and he saw a change in Merrill. The green hues warped into a golden color that he had known too well. She rode his body as his hands trailed up her thighs, to her hips and to her breasts. Theron rolled over to where he was on top and she was under him. She purred like a kitten, a dark and slowly turned into a dark sultry temptress, one that he had known too well. What magic had this been? Was she aware of her change? Was it his imagination? His movements became fluid. Her body writhed before she clawed into him again.

They reached their climax together and Theron held her close. Her delicate area tightened around him, and he was invited to stay in a little longer. "Are you a dream?" He asked.

"I'm what you want me to be," she whispered.

Theron pulled his head back to look at her. The face there that stared back was still the one that haunted him wherever he wanted. "You are a lie." His hands went to her throat. His fingers gripped tightly and grew tighter by the moment. His knuckles whitened and she gasped for air. Her hands went to his face as she tried to push him off of her. Inaudible words were spoken.

Be careful of the curse that falls on young lovers
Starts so soft and sweet and turns them to hunters
A man who's pure of heart and says his prayers at night
May still become a wolf when the autumn moon is bright

This wasn't him. She turned into Merrill again. The life behind her emerald eyes was slowly dimming but she pled for mercy. She pled for her life. What of the Keeper? What of their people? What of Ashalle? Did their deaths not deserve justice in the end? He had loved Merrill. They could have been mates if she hadn't been the Keeper's first but it wasn't like they hadn't…made that promise to each other before…before the Keeper interfered. Theron pulled himself back, and let go of Merrill's neck. He pulled out of her and backed away. Her gasps for air had been his final gift to her. The beast hungered. The beast demanded more. The beast wasn't done. The beast would never be done. He turned to look at her. Her naked body curled into a ball as a whimper escaped her. Whether it was intentional or not, he wasn't sure.

"I missed you," she said but he didn't hear her.

"Merrill," he started but didn't know where to begin. She sat up slowly, and averted her eyes from him. "I have no right to ask you but I need your help."

She had looked so willing. "Anything, lethallin."

Of course. "Kill me," he said. Merrill seemed taken back for a moment. "Please," he begged her and made a motion to his sword. Horror replaced surprise.

"What? Why?"

"I have a death sentence already," he told her, "I just want… I just want to stop the voices of the dead from taking over. I am not the man you knew before. I cannot return your love. I am not one of the People anymore. I've murdered innocents and I almost killed you tonight. Please. It only gets worse as the years go by." He moved toward her and picked up his sword. He placed it in her hands. He ran his fingers through her hair for a moment before he ran his hand down her face gently. Maybe she was his salvation while Morrigan had been his damnation. His lips met hers one last time. "You'll find someone worthy of your love one day." She was crying. The vicious circle had continued but Theron was more than ready to put an end to it. "Please," he begged her again. He watched her nod slowly before he felt cold hard steel be shoved through his chest.

The last thing Theron remembered was smiling at Merrill one last time before his world ended…

If you could only see the beast you've made of me
I held it in but now it seems you've set it running free
The saints can't help me now, the ropes have been unbound
I hunt for you with bloody feet across the hollow ground
Drag my teeth across your chest to taste your beating heart