Fuck Bebe Stevens.
Seriously. Fuck Bebe and her frizzy hair and her oversized tits and her tacky clothing and her "teehee! I'm such a ditz!" laugh. I swear, between her and Lisa Berger, Clyde has the worst taste in chicks. At least Lisa wasn't a lying, bleach-blonde airhead.
What caused this random spurt of anger, you, the very astute reader may ask? Well, let me tell you... whoever you are.
It all started on Monday morning. It was snowing (big surprise), the sun was shining, Stripe was fast asleep on my shoulder. It was boring and quiet, just the way I like it. So you may be asking, what's so bad about that? It sounds like every other day here. But that's pretty much the end of the normal-ness (that's a word now, shut up).
As I walked into the school, I knew something was up. Why else would every girl be lined up, glaring at me like that? Not that I care what any dumb girl thinks about me, but holy fuck did they look pissed. Millie blew a raspberry. Annie gave a loud "boo!". A bigger, scarier girl punched her fist into her hand. Yikes.
I did my best to ignore them. If there's one thing I'm good at, it's brushing off other people's opinions. If there's another thing I'm good at, it's pissing random strangers off. I didn't even know half of these chicks, yet here they were, seemingly planning an attack on me. When I reached my locker, I saw it was being blocked off by none other than Wendy Testaburger.
What kind of last name is Testaburger anyway? More like Test-my-patience (thanks for that one Jimmy). Anyway, she wasn't happy, if her bright red face was any indication. Her fists were shaking at her sides, and her teeth were gnashed. Not a pretty look for the drama queen.
"Hey Wendy, I don't know if you've noticed, but you're kinda in my way," I said casually, in that awesome monotonous voice of mine. I don't mean to be full of myself, but if I could bang voices, mine would be the first choice. Can you really blame me, though? I know I'm hot, I get told that everyday... mostly by Clyde, but still. The attitude just makes me seem like the sexiest dude alive. I bet half of these chicks dream about being with me... maybe that's what they're fighting over.
Goddamn, I sound like Clyde. Remind me to stop spending every waking minute with him.
Anyway, Wendy was pissed, And Kenny was poor, and Cartman was fat, just in case you forgot. She blabbed on and on about some offhand remark I can't even remember. Something about Miss Bebe Stevens, her majesty. I'm fully convinced all the girls are madly in love with Bebe, cause every time shit goes down, you can guarantee Bebe factors into it. Then everyone has to run to her defense, crying and screeching about how it totally wasn't her fault, and that's she's totally sorry. I'm so glad I don't have a girlfriend.
Token likes to poke fun at me for that. But I mean, I can barely deal with Clyde's sappy bullshit half the time. Imagine having to deal with that every second of your life. That's what having a girlfriend is like to me, just an annoying, sappy bitchfest. And there was Wendy, proving my point. I wonder how Stan puts up with that. Now I'm wondering why I'm thinking about Stan. I could give two shits about him and his "gang"... and no I'm not over that trip to Peru. Assholes.
So I flipped Wendy the bird, which is practically trademarked by me. Ask anyone about Craig Tucker and they'll either say "he's so hot" or "the guy who flips everyone off, right?". Her already reddened face somehow turned even brighter, as she got all up close to my face. Goddamn, she was even uglier up close.
Of course, with me having the absolute best luck in the world, Mr. Mackey walked up to us. He looked more pissed off than usual. "What's going on here, mmkay?"
"Craig called Bebe a cheap whore and he NEEDS to be punished!" Wendy snapped, giving off that oh-so-smug look. I think you all know how I feel about her, but the thing I hate the most is that "I'm always right and if you say anything otherwise, you're a dick" attitude. Everyone always ends up taking her side, just cause she uses big words so she must be the smartest person ever.
Case in point, Mr. Mackey took her side and gave me detention. I flipped him off. Now I've got a whole week of detention.
Mr. Mackey has always had it out for me. He always talks about how my behaviour is innapropriate, how I need to start caring more, and most importantly, how I need to stop flipping everyone off. I swear, someone must've murdered his entire family while giving him the finger, cuz he freaks out literally every time I do it. He should really be used to it by now. Wendy gave the most in-your-face expression possible, and I could feel my cool demeanour start to fade. It took all of my might to not slap her right in her stupid face.
People always say I'm a horrible sexist misogynist, to which I always say I just hate everyone equally. Cliche, I know, but it's the truth. I'm not gonna treat Wendy any better just cause she's got a vagina. Vah-gyyn-aah. What a weird word. Girls are so dumb.
I'm kidding. Get your angry mob away from me.
So after a boring day of school, in which Clyde was home sick so I had to talk to Butters of all people in biology, detention had started. Woo-fucking-hoo. It was held in Mr. Adler's class, all the tools were still lying around. Hmm, a bunch of rambunctious teenagers and sharp, dangerous tools. What could go wrong?
Mr. Adler gave me a grumpy look when I walked in. I returned the look with a blank stare. Fat, balding, widowed dudes don't scare me. What did scare me, however, were the people in the classroom. There were the usual kids: Kyle's brother Ike, my cousin Red, a bunch of older, grimier kids, and BEBE FREAKIN STEVENS.
a/n: Hey guys, so this is my first fanfic. I know it's not that good but eh i had this idea for a while so i wanted to write it. tell me what you think, maybe give me some writing tips. and also let me know if im making craig too OOC, i like to picture him as a real sarcastic and kinda stuck-up guy, but if i go overboard with it let me know. and i dont really hate bebe or wendy, im just making craig a dick :P