Title: Messer or Monroe
Author: Daisy
Rating: T
Pairing: Danny Messer/Lindsay Monroe
Content Warning: Romance/Humor
Summary: - Danny Messer is lost deeply in his thoughts, staring at a single letter pad lying on his desk in his office. Is his plan going to come out right in the end? - DL, a two part story - romance and humor. Flack, Hawkes and Adam as cameo appearance in the second chapter.
A/N 1: Hello, guys! Thank you so much to all of you who have read the last chapter of "Over the Grief" or added it to your Favorite Stories list! I'm also GRATEFUL for every single comment you left to let me know what you thought. It really means a lot to me! Huge, huge thank you to those who left sweet and favorable reviews for me!: maggie, karol arajo, Pandora, Jennifer P, Bluenose, afrozenheart412, Anny, Y. Furu, Reese, mint45, lily moonlight and other reviewers. *huge hugs*
Here is a new story. This story was supposed to be a part of the last chapter of my story, "Over the Grief" yet I didn't elaborate it in there. So I decided to go into details in here. You don't necessarily have to read it so as to understand this one, though. This got much longer than originally planned, so I divided it into two parts. The first chapter is about Danny's recollection of his relationship with Lindsay from day one. All mistakes are mine. Hope you like and enjoy this!
-Messer or Monroe-
・Chapter 1・
Detective Danny Messer sat at his desk, deeply thinking about something that occupied his mind. On his desk were piled up many files of paperwork as to newly wrapped up cases - completely neglected; he couldn't help but ponder over it. His fingers drumming the desktop revealed that he was overwhelmed by a massive amount of nervousness. That's because it's not too much to say that the rest of his life would depend on whether or not this plan he had mulled over and arranged elaborately was going well.
His eyes were glued on a single letter pad lying on his unorganized desk and, his mind unwittingly started to drift away - toward the only woman that was in possession of the key to his fate in her hand: Lindsay Monroe.
Lindsay Monroe. His Montana. She was his one and only; he had miraculously got her back over eight and a half months before, though there were some moments in the days he couldn't still believe she was really with him.
She was hard to describe in a word; she was a woman of intelligence, discretion, and having a firm determination and energetic pursuit of her work. Not that she was inflexible. She had enough sense of humor and wits to take his silly banter in her stride, counter it with her own, or even challenge his teasing; she was more than that. Never before had he seen a woman like her.
His eyes were glued on her the very second he met her at the zoo on her very first case; he couldn't simply take his eyes away from her, the reason for which he himself didn't know for sure back then. Grown up with her three brothers in a land of Montana rich in nature, she was literally a brave, tough, capable and independent-minded woman. Despite being a newbie transferred from Montana, she immediately fitted in well with New York crime lab as she did everything in her power to close each single case. She had the willingness and valor to tackle any difficult case without the slightest hesitation and, she really did. There was something fascinating in her that he couldn't put into words. Every person who got to know her couldn't help but like her. And he himself was definitely one of them, even though he had been teasing her, called her, "Montana" from day one. At first she wasn't sufficiently impressed with him. That he knew for sure. As he knew more about her through a good number of cases they worked together, however, it gradually dawned on him that she had an entirely different aspect shaded with pensiveness behind her brightness. Even more surprisingly, she had an impregnable wall built up around her she didn't readily let anyone in. He never knew where those were coming from, yet when he became aware of this side of her, his feelings of mere attracted curiosity about her were replaced with deep concern and care. Since then he couldn't stop thinking about her. He knew he had grown closer to her over past few months, but it took him quite a while to come to realize how he felt for her was beyond camaraderie or fellowship. It was when she volunteered to go undercover, making believe that she was one of the diamond thieves so as to rescue the other thief being held hostage that he revealed his true feelings; it felt so perfect that he knew he had to risk his heart. He couldn't help but feel himself falling hard for her while he pulled her shaky body into his comforting arms after her near-fatal situation was diffused. He couldn't waste time anymore; convincing himself of that way, a couple of days later he plucked up all his courage and asked her on a real date but she did not show up. When confronted by him about their relationship, she told him that she couldn't be in a relationship with him at the moment though she liked him - a lot. Seeing the pain in her eyes, he sensed that something was obviously bothering her. He had no idea what it was, yet his concern about her took precedence over his own disappointment and pains caused by her rejection.
A while later, Lindsay left for Bozeman to testify for an old murder case, leaving him a card and signs it "Montana". When he heard from Stella that Lindsay sounded nervous about the trial, he finally found out what had been bothering her and why she had rebuffed him; it proved out to be un-dealt with trauma pertaining to the senseless murder of her friends when she was a teenager, which he couldn't even fancy from her tough-country-girl appearance. He couldn't simply be sitting on his hands anymore. Just following his heart, he lost no time flying out to Montana in defiance of exhaustion and sleepiness after he worked nonstop for almost forty-eight hours - without taking a rest or a nap other than a brief coffee break. He had never dreamed of flying half way across the country for a girl though. He wholeheartedly wanted to be there for her and support her even if all he could do was sit beside her. No sooner had he opened the door of the courtroom than his eyes locked with hers. She was sitting on the stand. Her face looked rigid with insecurity. At the very moment time itself stopped and only they existed in the world. His eyes told her he was there for her and that she could do it. As though she had read his mind all the insecurities and fear that had haunted her had completely vanished from her face, and in its place was there only firm determination. She raised her head as she stared straight forward in determination and, regaining all calmness and vigor that she needed most of all, resumed her testimony - as the only eyewitness and survivor, for the state against Daniel Katums, the man charged with murdering her three friends and the waitress. After she testified, she seated herself next to him. Her hands were firmly held in his own while they were listening to the verdict read out. As soon as the sentence was pronounced, both of them, through their entwined hands, felt something that they had never felt running through their body and filling them.
Her previous tension of nervousness which had been taut as the strings of a bow had completely disappeared ever since she returned to New York. Instead, warm air always seemed to linger around her. She brought back her brightness once she had carried, which made him feel relieved. On one night he invited her to his apartment; he didn't have any intention of other than having fun with her. All he wanted was her smile. Things, however, ended up against his initial intention. The flame that had been smoldering between them flared up enough not to put out as their pool game went on. The instant they saw in each other's eyes intense eagerness for each other, they lost their cool before stopping it. Both of them found themselves leaning into each other, intimate emotions spilling over from inside them. Before they knew it their lips crashed together in a passionate kiss their hands wandering and instantly, they felt the sparks of heat and passion race through themselves. The kiss getting deeper and lengthening between them, they got drowned in each other deeper and deeper. On the following morning eventually, they found themselves awaken on the pool table of his apartment, wrapped in each other's arms as they were drifting away bathed in the gentle sunlight.
After they had been dancing around each other for some two years, he finally crossed the line to get closeness and intimacy with her he had been craving for. In perfect contentment with his dream having come true, he had had no doubt that their happiness was supposed to last long - until the case that was to tear their relationship apart took place.
In the early stages of their relationship it was not easy for him to give a specific definition of it, still less verbalize it. Sure, he was dating her, but it was no exclusive. But now looking back, he was just afraid of any clear-cut resolution. He felt like their current comfortable, snug relationship might be ruined if he admitted how he felt for her. He was too damn scared that their relationship would change into a whole new level he had never stepped in. And with the boy's death as a trigger, he began to pull away from her and eventually ran to another woman, forcing Lindsay to confront the hurt every time he was withdrawn and aloof. She sensed his betrayal during their talk on the phone the next morning after Stella's apartment caught fire; he knew she did. Afterwards, she told him she had fallen in love with him and that she would find a way to fall out of love with him; he blew their relationship off, let alone her love and trust. Love and trust; he didn't realize how much she meant to him until the moment she poured her heart out to him in their shared office. Well, in all truthfulness, he had just kept on avoiding admitting and facing it while he knew it in the depth of his mind. It was only after he abused her love and trust that he had to come up against his own feelings standing in front of him like an enclosing wall. And this also caused her to lose a little life conceived inside her. He knew the boy's death had been nothing but a trigger and that it had not been a direct cause to fracture her heart. Her broken-heart was all his fault; he was weak and not so tough as he wished he could. And his weakness along with his selfishness gave rise to all the heart-wrenching things she had to confront.
Totally unanticipated revelation of her true feelings gave him some time to do some really deep soul searching about what he had done to her and why; finally he came to realize a lot of things he hadn't before, one of which was absolutely the reason he sought solace in another woman instead of his own girlfriend when he needed it most. Back then he wasn't so accustomed to sharing his own emotions with anyone else, especially as to emotional distress; it wasn't easy for him to let others in. Yet, it was somehow easy with Ruben's mother. Maybe it was just because she was honest with her grief. She dared not hide her emotions. Eventually, out of sheer desire to take his mind off an overwhelming grief and guilt, mixed up with his selfishness, he threw himself into further involvement with her - physically as well as emotionally, making himself believe it was a good thing, while he knew in the back of his head they both did nothing but use each other to make themselves feel better.
With Lindsay, on the other hand - it was a completely different story. It was complicated; he couldn't turn to Lindsay, since their relationship was no exclusive. He wasn't expecting that she would be there for him, much less dream she loved him. He was thinking she just wanted to have some normal time with him as ever. And this made him think he would have to struggle in order to be around her, which drove him to pull away from her, because at that time the last thing he needed was such normalcy and bitter struggle. Yet, all those thoughts about her turned out to be the exact opposite of the truth.
"...'cause I've fallen in love with you, I have to figure out how to let that go."
It was a grievous cry that she had kept bottled up deep inside her. These heartrending words and the hopeless look in her eyes, keeping tears at bay, spoke volumes: she was caring about him. Even putting aside her own heartache and loneliness, she had attempted to be there for him - solely for his sake. Heck, she did love him. Sure, she said she was no good with emotional stuff, yet it didn't mean she wasn't worried about him. She just did feel things deeply. Probably so deeply that they didn't show on the surface. Why had he not tried to see underneath? Why had he been so stupid as to ignore her as if she didn't exist? Hell, he wasn't thinking of her at all. He treated her in a way that had her feel unwanted, uncared-for and useless. He had flown over to Montana. Wasn't that because he hadn't wanted to leave her alone? Shouldn't he have gone to her in a desperate attempt to protect her, be there for her even if he had nothing to do for her? Shouldn't he have wanted to protect her from everything that would hurt her? For all that, why could he have done what he did to her? It was himself who had broken her heart more brutally than anyone else even though he shouldn't have allowed anything that would hurt her. Wasn't it love that he felt for her? Hell, yes! It was definitely love. And just like the revelation of God another realization struck him even harder: what he did with Ruben's mother only made him, who had already been in a dark place right after the boy's accidental death, sink into the further darkness. Only Lindsay and her devotion could have brought him back into the light - in the true sense of the meaning. No matter how hard and painful it had been, he should have striven to weather any privation - together with Lindsay, the one and only woman that truly loved him, instead of taking the wrong path that he readily escaped into another woman's arms. He understood his mistake and how insanely stupid it was. He understood that he could not go on with his life without Lindsay in it. The fear that he might lose her for good made it clear that he had loved her all along. And once this he could say in his mind with certainty, "giving her up" wasn't even an option in his mind.
He wanted to get her back for dear life. For that, the first thing he should do was to admit his indiscretions honestly and implore her for her forgiveness. So on that rainy day mustering up his courage, he called her and gently urged her to come over to his apartment in a frantic effort to tug at her heartstrings. She turned down his offer, however, he, out of sheer desire, dashed for her place. He poured out his heart to her to entreat her forgiveness. Unfortunately, her answer to that broke his hope to pieces. And the heart-wrenching realization struck him: he had just lost the most important thing in his life.
Unbeknownst to them both, this was only the beginning of her agony. Shortly after their split, she had her parents in Montana murdered brutally in a robbery case, and this caused her to sink even further into oblivion.
Even in the wake of all the agony that assaulted her - with its form changing, first his betrayal, her losing their baby and then her parents' violent death, she made desperate efforts not to be eaten up with grief and pains. It killed him deeply to see her tortured like that; nonetheless he made a decision that he would wait for the right time to fight for her no matter how low the chances of getting her back. In the midst of it, however, the shocking news that she might be dating someone else had this determination blown off completely out of his mind. He raced to her place, intense feelings that almost drove him crazy surging through him.
Only when he confronted her did that inexplicable feelings show their true colors; he couldn't bear other men having her, nor could he possibly allow any other man to touch her. Right from the moment he met her for the first time, his heart was hers. She was his, and he was hers, there was no other way to put it. She was the reason he lived his life. Without her, he had no reason to live and breathe. For him, she was love. Finally he gave voice to his feelings for her; he confessed her that he loved her. Only her.
Much to his surprise, she reciprocated his revelation of affection with another chance. A chance to show her how much she meant to him.
Now that he keenly realized how much decision she had made with strenuous efforts to come back to him, he wouldn't absolutely go back to old self that hadn't had a spark of sincerity like hurting the most important woman; he was not about to let her slip through his grasp. Not ever. His biggest mistake made him learn pushing her away would get him nowhere. It also helped him, who used to believe that seeking help undermined his independence and his capability of coping, stop thinking that accepting her support was a sign of weakness. He promised her that he would talk everything out with her even though it was something that was extremely challenging for him at one time or another. He devoted all his energies to let her in the deep place of his heart he had never let anyone in. Knowing that how frantically he was trying to do everything possible to be true to his word, she herself gradually learned to open up to him, letting the guard down that had been built up around her all over again for fear he might shut her out and even walk away from her at a moment's notice and, in the course of it, her grief and pains slowly ebbed away. They continued talking to enhance and deepen the understanding, trust and love for each other, and this led their relationship to grow into an unwavering level.
And after a lapse of a long time and many twists and turns, they got retied together - with body and soul.
Mere remembering that night when he finally made love to her after they got back together, his heart melted, while he felt his heart almost burst with an incredible sense of guilt every time he recalled that he had broken down her completely. Aside from their first night together, that dazzling intense night they had exchanged their renewed love over one and a half month before became something he never wanted to forget about.
To be continued...
Thanks so much for reading! I hope you guys liked it. I would absolutely love to hear from you. If you have a spare time, let me know what you thought.