A/N: As mentioned in the summary, this is a crack!fic. Nothing more, nothing less. It's just a silly idea that Hughville and myself thought up. If you get a few good laughs while reading, that's all Hughville and I can hope for. So crack open a beer, or pour a glass of wine and read on. We hope you enjoy reading as much as we enjoyed writing it. Oh, and yes, it's bad. But isn't that the point? LOL

Warning: There be some bad words.

Disclaimer: Hughville and I don't own House or Cameron. They belong to David Shore and Fox. JoAnn Derp on the other hand, well, that psycho is ours!

Beyond the hospital doors, it was dark and the rain came down in sheets. As it hit the pavement it bounced back up and puddles quickly formed. A bright flash of lightning illuminated the parking lot before being plunged into darkness again. JoAnn Derp stood at the doors leading out of the hospital and stared out at the downpour. Behind her, she heard voices and the familiar thump step of Doctor Gregory House. He and his best friend, James Wilson, stopped beside her and the intoxicating smell of Gregory House filled her head. JoAnn glanced up at him and he glanced at her. She felt a blush rise up her cheeks as he looked her up and down. She could tell he was mentally undressing her and fucking her with that look. Gregory House was in love with her. She was as certain of this as she was of the fact she was a mathematical genius, musical prodigy and former pageant queen.

Gregory House turned his head and looked over his shoulder. Allison Cameron scurried up like the little mouse she was, carrying an umbrella. JoAnn looked down at her own empty hands. Why hadn't she thought to bring an umbrella? Statistically, a rain storm of this type was unlikely, yet there it was. She pulled her plastic rain hat out of her purse as Gregory House and his little scrawny assistant walked out into the storm beneath the umbrella.

"I can walk you out to your car," James Wilson told JoAnn kindly as he stood near her.

She nodded and huddled close to him beneath his umbrella. A faint scent from Gregory House clung to him. Tomorrow she would set about getting Gregory House alone. Everything was going to be okay. Eventually he would be hers and she wouldn't have to worry anymore. Everything was going to be okay.

"You okay?" House asked Cameron when he caught her staring into space. They were in the lab waiting on test results for their latest patient.

She gave her head a shake and blinked twice. "Huh? What? Oh, yeah, I'm good. I was just thinking."

"Of?"

"What to wear to the Masquerade fundraiser. I need a dress. And a mask, too."

"Talize has some nice stuff," JoAnn piped up from the corner of the room. Both House and Cameron glanced over at her. "Good prices too."

"Yeah if you like used, bottom of the barrel crap," House muttered, causing Cameron to chuckle and shake her head. "She can shop at Talize, you're shopping somewhere else," House said as he winked at Cameron. "Meet me after work and we'll go find you something that costs more than twenty bucks."

Once Gregory House left, JoAnn turned to Cameron. "Talize has really nice things," she said. "It's in Canada but the drive is worth it. I get designer clothes there. We could go together and get something for the fundraiser."

Also, JoAnn could find out for certain if anything was going on between Gregory House and his little helper. JoAnn knew in her heart of hearts that Gregory House wanted her but she needed to get Cameron out of the way if they were dating. JoAnn knew if Gregory House was dating that Cameron person it was only because he was unaware of JoAnn's intense feelings for him. Maybe she intimidated him. She was very beautiful and brilliant, after all. She knew that her beauty and brilliance intimidated everyone which was why she didn't have friends. It didn't matter, though. Once she had Gregory House, everything was going to be okay.

Cameron smiled at her. "Thanks, but I'll just go to the mall after work and get something." She gathered up her test results and left the lab.

JoAnn watched her leave. She turned back to her work with a scowl on her face. "Uppity bitch," she muttered.

At the end of the day, JoAnn waited in her car and watched Gregory House and Cameron get into his car. She followed them to the local mall, being careful not to let them see her.

She followed them through the mall, staying out of sight when they went into a few stores, but when they took more time in one of them, JoAnn went in and watched Cameron try on a drop dead red gown. After she watched Gregory House pull out his credit card and purchase it for her, they left the store.

JoAnn made a beeline for the rack of gowns, found a replica to the one Cameron tried on in her size and checked the price tag. She almost choked. "Four hundred dollars?"

She couldn't afford to get it. She did know what she could do and it would be so much better than that slutty red dress. She raced to the far end of the mall where the small wedding dress shop was located. She made a beeline for the discount rack. Flipping through the gowns, she found the perfect one. It was her size and she could afford it. JoAnn let the sales girl help her try it on and stood staring at herself in the mirror. Yes, this was much better. This way Gregory House would see her in the pristine white gown and know that she was the epitome of perfection. Also, when it came down to beauty and brains, JoAnn had both, and she would make Gregory House know it!

She bought the dress and raced through the mall until she saw Gregory House and his trollop walk into another store where they bought masks. She noticed Gregory House bought two of the most expensive ones in the store. Once they were gone, she went in and found a white feathered mask studded with rhinestones. It was on the clearance table and a few jewels were missing but she didn't care. Once she got home, she could get her bedazzler out and add more to it. She went home feeling rather proud of herself and very optimistic that by the end of that evening, Gregory House would be hers, and hers alone!

House parked in his parking spot outside his apartment building and got out of the car with Cameron close behind. Once inside, she went into the kitchen and House sprawled out on the couch with a heavy sigh.

"Was that crazy bitch from the lab following us?" he asked Cameron.

She looked around the corner at him with a furrow of confusion on her face. "You think all the women who work in the lab are crazy bitches," she said. "Which one do you mean?"

"That old one," he told her as he sat up and reached for the remote.

She disappeared for a moment and then came in carrying two beers. "I need more information than that," she told him as she handed him one of the bottles. "Are we ordering in tonight?"

"You know the one," he told her. "She's got the long stringy brown hair and been hit really hard with an ugly stick. She was the one talking about that second-hand store in Canada. I want a cheese steak sandwich with onion rings."

Cameron grabbed the phone and hit one of the speed dial buttons. Once she ordered their dinner, she sat back. "That's JoAnn Derp. She seems nice enough. To be honest, I wasn't paying attention. Did you see her at the mall?"

House skimmed through TiVo until he found Prescription Passion and started the latest episode. "I saw her following us when we were getting you that sexy dress and then later at the food court and outside the store where we got our masks. She stares at me all the time but never says a word. It's freaky. She's a freak."

Cameron laughed and patted his scruffy cheek. "Aww she just has a crush on you. How sweet."

House glared at her. "It's not sweet. It's creepy. I think she's up to something and I don't like it."

"Oh, please. She's harmless."

"You're entirely too naive, Cameron. Never underestimate the quiet ones. They're the ones that will blow up a building."

"Really, House, she's not going to blow anything up. She works in the lab. Besides, I doubt she has the brains to do something like that."

"She doesn't need brains. All she needs is the internet."

Cameron looked at him and laughed. "She's like a little mouse."

House looked back at her with narrowed eyes. "More like a rat. Rats sneak around and destroy things. One minute you think everything is okay and the next your house is destroyed." He took a sip of his beer. "I'm serious. She's a freak and she's up to something."

Cameron leaned over and kissed him. He slid his tongue into her mouth and could taste the beer she drank. His hand snaked under her blouse and closed over her breast. She leaned into him. Just as he pulled her closer, the doorbell rang. They pulled apart slowly, and Cameron released a deep breath.

"Hold that thought," she told him as she got up.

She hopped over his legs and went to open the door. The delivery girl handed her a credit card slip and a pen. Cameron put the slip against the door and scrawled her name on it, adding a generous tip before handing it back. The girl handed the bag of food to Cameron and waved as she left.

Outside on the street, JoAnn watched Cameron and the delivery girl. Her eyes narrowed and she gritted her teeth. It was true. Gregory House was living with that bitch of his. When Cameron shut the door and the girl got in her car and left, JoAnn walked down the sidewalk and crossed the road until she stood just beyond Gregory House's living room window. She peeked in and saw him with his arm around that floozy. Then Gregory House kissed her and JoAnn's blood pressure rose and rage flowed through her. She stomped back to her car and once inside, she took several deep breaths. When she was calmer, she relaxed. It didn't matter. Gregory House loved her but he just didn't know that she loved him, too. She started her car. Well, he'd find out just how much she loved him at the masquerade ball. Then she and Gregory House would live happily ever after.

It was a black tie jungle. Everyone was dressed in their finery, and wearing their masks which made everything all that much more intriguing.

House sat in a quiet corner nursing his third glass of scotch. His cane leaned against his leg. From his vantage point, he could see Cameron talking to a group of people. She tried to get him to mingle but he only lasted a few minutes before boredom set in. So, she flitted from one group to another like a tiny, exotic red bird with a glorious plume of red and silver feathers on her head. He took another sip of his drink and suddenly the room began to swirl. He blinked several times to clear his blurred vision. He looked down at his glass.

"Wha' te he….." he slurred before slumping over. He felt himself tip over and the last thing he saw was Cameron gliding across the floor. Then everything went black.

JoAnn caught Gregory House as he fell to one side. She grunted as his full weight crashed against her nearly knocking her off her feet. She didn't expect him to be so heavy. Then she remembered that he was basically dead weight. She looked around. The lights went down as Doctor Cuddy strode to the raised dais and stood in front of a microphone. JoAnn knew it was Doctor Cuddy because she spoke to her earlier. Doctor Cuddy had come up to the bar as JoAnn was putting the roofie in Gregory House's drink. She was certain Doctor Cuddy saw her but she didn't. She was safe, and she knew everything was going to be okay.

It took a lot of tugging and pulling to get Gregory House seated in the wheelchair she'd brought over when she saw him sit down. He'd be so pleased at how clever she was. She sat him up as straight as possible and tugged his mask back over his face. She was sweating from exertion so she sat down in the chair until she was no longer panting for air. Whatever Doctor Cuddy said was met with applause and then the lights came back up. People began to dance and walk around the tables lining the edge of the room. JoAnn knew this was the perfect time to get Gregory House out to her car. She stood, squared her shoulders and got behind the wheelchair. A few people stopped her but she explained her date was exhausted. She smoothly lied about him being a Gulf War veteran who was paralyzed. Once she finished her little rehearsed speech, the people who stopped her allowed her to go forward. She was in the clear. Everything would be okay.

Finally, she got Gregory House out to her car. She popped open the trunk and with a lot of grunting, pulling and pushing she got Gregory House in it. JoAnn closed the trunk and pulled her mask off, smiling as she got into her car. Gregory House would be so happy when she finally got him home. She'd gotten everything ready for him. As she pulled out of the parking lot, she rolled down her window. The chilled night air dried the sweat that ran down her face. She needed to be perfect for Gregory House when he woke up.

When the haze lifted, and House started to come around, his eyes fluttered open and the room was spinning a little. He blinked a couple of times and the spinning stopped.

"Oh good, you're awake. I thought you were going to sleep the day away," JoAnn said with a giggle that grated on his nerves. He couldn't see her, but he could hear her, and he wasn't sure who it was. The voice was unfamiliar to him. He attempted to sit up but he couldn't and a wave of panic filled him and he started struggling but it was to no avail. Some crazy bitch had him restrained to a very uncomfortable bed. "Oh no, be careful, Gregory House. Wouldn't want you to hurt yourself."

Finally she came into his line of sight and he realized that it was that mousy lab assistant. What was her name? Chloe? Zoey? Didi? Oh right...JoAnn.

She was wearing a wedding dress and a slightly bent tiara in her hair. She even held a bouquet of frayed and smudged silk flowers. Suddenly it all made sense. She was very dangerously obsessed with him. "What do you want? And why are you wearing a wedding dress?"

"Do you like it?" JoAnn asked as she gave a twirl for his benefit. "I got it for our wedding. My friend is a notary public. She agreed to perform the ceremony. Don't you think I look much better than your little girlfriend? I know I fill out the bust of my dress better than she did hers since I actually have breasts."

"And an extra fifty pounds," he muttered under his breath.

JoAnn gasped and slapped him hard across the face. "How dare you! She's a tiny, weak thing. How can you possibly be interested in her?"

"Do you really want me to answer that?" he snapped. His hands were cuffed behind his back but he was working at getting free. Since they weren't police issue, they only had a latch that would allow them to pop open. He could almost reach it...

"Yes! What does she have that I don't?"

"Brains, confidence, compassion…."

"I noticed you didn't mention her beauty."

"I thought that was a given. Really, Derp, you're out of her league. Just quit while you're ahead. You're no match for her. Or for me." He looked around the drab, unfinished basement. "Where am I, anyway? Some kind of sexual torture Chamber O' Love?"

"This is my place. And nobody knows you're here so there's no point in shouting. I live outside of town and this is a new subdivision. Besides, why would you want to leave? You and I could have a good life. If you'd just give me a chance, I can make you forget all about Dr. Cameron. I'm older and a lot more experienced." She gently stroked his stubbled cheek but he turned his head away in disgust.

"Experienced at what? Drugging people so you can have your way with them?"

"It was the only way I could make you realize how good I am for you. " JoAnn moved closer and sat on his good leg, forcing him to look at her. Then she kissed him.

That's when he made his move. He got one hand free and gripped her wrist, causing her to gasp in surprise.

"What? How...?"

"You think I can't pick your pathetic bondage cuffs? Thanks for keeping the fur trim on them by the way. Made them more comfortable. Now let me the hell out of here!" he said as he stood up quickly, causing her to slide off his lap and land on her ass.

"Please, don't go!" she called out as she struggled to her feet. "You can't tell anyone! Please! I'll get fired…"

"That's the idea," he said as he unlocked the door and headed out of the room with her following close behind. He went through the house and stopped when he came to one of the rooms filled with trophies and awards. It was like a shrine of sorts and it made him dizzy. Everywhere he looked was either pictures of her or a trophy. Grabbing the nearest trophy, he looked at it. It wasn't even hers. He tossed it on the floor. She probably bought it and the rest on eBay. He went on to the next room to find another shrine. This one was of him and the wall was plastered with various candid photos of him that she obviously took at work.

"What the hell is this?"

JoAnn grabbed the knob and closed the door so he couldn't see anything more, but he'd seen plenty. More than he cared to, and he reached into his pocket for his phone. "Wow, what kind of kidnapper doesn't take someone's phone? You're a failure at work, a horrible failure at seduction, and now this." With the cuffs still in his pocket, he snapped one around her wrist, then the other one, shoved her into the shrine room and closed the door.

"Gregory House! Let me out of here!" she screamed. "Gregory House! You can't do this! I love you! You'll learn to love me too! I just know it! You just have to give me a chance!"

He flipped open his phone and dialed Cameron's number.

"House? Where the hell are you? Everyone's been looking for you." Cameron could hear JoAnn's shouting in the background. "Who's that?"

"The "harmless" lab assistant drugged me and somehow got me to her place. I have no idea where I am but I need someone to come get me."

"What?"

"Yeah, I'll tell you later. Just get me out of here, okay? Her address should be on file."

"Okay, I'll send Wilson."

"Bring Foreman too, just in case. And call Psych. Tell them to get a room ready. The rubber room. This woman is one sandwich short of a picnic basket."

He could hear her snicker on the other end and it was music to his ears. "Will do."

He flipped his phone shut and snooped through the rest of the house. In the bathroom he found the drug she most likely used on him and put it in his pocket. Half an hour later, the police pulled up to the house and he came outside to meet them. Wilson and Foreman pulled up behind them and got out.

"She's in the shrine room," House told the police. "Don't ask. Take her to Princeton Plainsboro. They're waiting for her up in Psych."

Wilson drove House back to the party where Cameron was pacing the floor. When he arrived, she ran into his arms and he caught her, their lips crashing together in a deep, passionate embrace.

Foreman rolled his eyes and wandered off while Wilson watched them with amusement and admiration.

"I'm so glad you're okay," Cameron said as she wrapped her arms around House's neck.

"Everything's going to be okay," he replied with his signature sexy smile before kissing her again.

The end.