He doesn't want to die.
It hits him harder than anything else today.
The knowledge that HE. The Doctor, the bloody oncoming storm - doesn't want to die. He's drenched in fear, his stomach weighing a thousand pounds, oh hell he even has sweaty palms he's so desperate not to die.
It's all because he went back to see her.
Before that, he had accepted his fate, he had known for awhile it was coming. The fact that it was for Wilf, made it just a tad bit easier to swallow ,if he was honest. He had thought he was going to ripped apart, or killed by the Master, even perhaps killed by the other Time Lords. It was when Wilf started to knock four times that first sent the thought of, oh no.
It wasn't fair, not that the universe ever had. - but still. He was the Doctor, and he wasn't going to let Wilf die.
So he took in the radiation and waited for death.
It came. Slow, thankfully. No real pain. That was better than he could have hoped for.
It meant he had time. Time to fix things, fix and protect things while he was still him.
He saved Martha from death, and Mickey from the pain of losing her.
He saved Luke, and Sarah Jane.
He helped Jack, in a way that Jack would need more than anything.
He also went and saw Donna, from a distance of course, to help ease his own pain of losing her. She was happy, and loved, and had everything he ever wished for her.
It wasn't until he was back in the Tardis, feeling slightly ill and weak did she cross his mind. He hadn't planned on it. Hadn't dared to think about doing so, it hurt too much.
- but then he had an overwhelming urge to see her, to see her smile. Her bleached hair and brown eyes. Wanted to see her one last time in this body.
So he did.
He landed where he always landed and waited. He leaned up against the brick in the shadows and tried to keep himself under control.
Gods above she was young. Had she always been that young? He could hear her voice, words drifted here and there with her mum's. Was it her laughter or the pain of death that made his hearts constrict?
He knew he was dying when he actually smiled at Jackie's voice.
He made the mistake of crying out when a fresh wave of pain washed over him, he buckled slightly and tried to turn away but, like fate was playing with him, she noticed.
Rose
Just one look. Just one smile from her and the wishes of a happy new year and suddenly he didn't want to die anyone. Suddenly he was absolutely horrified. He didn't want to die at all, because it meant regenerating. Which meant he would lose her again, because it was this regernation that was her's. His last had been born of war, anger and cold, but it was Rose who made him so capable of so much feeling, so much energy to live again; all because she loved him. All because she laughed and smiled at him. It was this body that loved her back, even if he couldn't say it. Would the next? Would the next even remember her name? Her face? Her smile? Would his next form even find her beautiful?
" I don't want to die."
I don't want to lose her.
His love for her, was the last thing he had of her on this side of the universe. - and it would be erased the moment he regenerated.
All the times his hearts soared when she laughed. All the inside jokes they shared. The feeling of her hands in his as they ran across the universe, would be lost. Forever.
His next form would never know if he hand fit perfectly in her's, because also perhaps this time it wouldn't.
He wanted so much more. Wanted, childishly to have her back, wanted not just her, but everyone. Even the Master. He hadn't lived nearly as much as he could.
He was in tears at this point as his cells turned traitor in his body, quickly melting down everything that made him...well him. Gone, no more fantastic hair, or mad grin, the skinny pole frame or the height. No more love of stripes and suits and bananas. He'd be a new man, perhaps a better one...or a worse one.
Which ever the case, he was man without her.
( Note to everyone who commented about Bernard and Wilf, sorry, I just wasn't paying attention, and my mind perhaps thinks Bernard is a better name than Wilf lol, so thanks for correcting! )