Jack looked down at the pills in his hand and back up to the mirror. He could see himself; or at least, what was left of himself. Unwashed black hair, dark rimmed eyes from lack of sleep, and a frown. You see, Jack didn't know how to smile. He had once… until that one day. He hadn't smiled since unless it was by accident when he was looking at pictures of himself and him, but that would shortly be followed by a lot more sadness.
He remembered that day far too vividly for his liking, they had been on the way to one of the major locations on their latest tour. Zack and Rian had been playing catch across the bus with a balled up pair of dirty socks (which had 'accidentally' hit Jack a couple of times, to which they earned a flash of Jack's own middle finger), Jack had been texting, and Alex had been on Twitter. Alex had what he called 'a mild liking' to the site (which in everyone else's minds meant a rather huge obsession), and was always tweeting while they travelled. Alex and Jack had been secretly dating for 7 months, but for the sake of the band, hadn't gone public just yet. All that mattered is that they were happy together.
They were travelling along a motorway on the way to London (It was a tour in the UK), when a van swerved infront of them, hitting another van, and both crashed into the front of the bus as they attempted to avoid the contact - but failed. The bus hit the barriers on the side of the road after spinning out of control, and started to tip, but then regained balance and with a crash, the right side of the bus returned to the ground. Jack remembered hearing the shouts in pain as the crash occurred, and he remembered getting to his feet straight after to make sure everyone was ok. He had hit his head and was pretty sure it was bleeding, but he was still conscious. He had heard Zack's screaming and seen his friend on the floor with what was later discovered to be a broken arm and a whole lot of bruises, and then seen Rian with various cuts going up his legs.
That's when the worst happened. He turned frantically looking for Alex, and saw his hand sticking out from under the fallen clothes cabinet. He ran over to Alex (shortly followed by the others) and they all pulled the cabinet away. Jack didn't want to think about what he had seen, but he remembered there being a lot of blood, and the sobs from him and his fellow band members.
Alex had died that day.
Jack looked back down at the pills, tears forming in his eyes once more. He remembered being in the van as the ambulance pulled up beside them, holding on to Alex with all his strength, repeating over and over "Please be ok. Please don't leave me. Please Alex, You can't leave me…" as others attempted to pry him away from his one and only love who was slowly dying in his arms. He remembered being in the hospital as he was told that Alex had passed on, he remembered holding onto Zack and Rian, the three crying uncontrollably and wondering if their lives were ever going to be the same now that they had lost someone so important to them. He remembered the funeral - looking at that picture of Alex, such a beautiful picture, and running out at the end because he just couldn't take it anymore.
It was now three weeks later - the tour had been cancelled because they now had no singer and were all in mourning and still injured. Jack was in his own bathroom in his apartment that he used to share with Alex, and all of Alex's stuff was still there because he couldn't bear to throw any of it away. He had a lot of cards in his room (as did Zack and Rian) from fans supporting them and trying to make them feel better over the loss of their bandmate. That's what Jack had been told. He didn't want to read any of them. Apparently, as time went on, the hole in his chest that Alex had left would begin to heal. That's what everyone had said to him. Jack knew it was all lies though. Other people didn't know how special Alex was. They didn't know that he was the reason Jack lived. He was perfection, he was the reason that Jack woke up every morning with a smile, knowing he's get to see that wonderful face once again.
Jack didn't smile when he woke up now though. Because Jack didn't sleep. He didn't do anything - just thought about Alex for hours, and then got mad at himself for thinking about Alex, when Alex was gone. Jack knew that he wasn't meant to exist anymore, he should've died that day too. He should've died instead of Alex. He had to go and be with him now - and these little pills were his was out of this useless existence, and his way back to Alex. Of course he'd miss Zack and Rian more than ever, but he'd still be able to watch them from above. They would still have each other - but Jack knew that he and Alex were meant to stay together forever, whether alive, or in whatever came after life.
"That's it" Jack said to himself, "I'm coming Alex". He picked up his glass of water from the counter and looked back up into the mirror, dropping the glass and letting it smash on the floor when his reflection shocked him. It wasn't his own reflection. It was Alex.
"A- Alex?" Jack mumbled, staring at the image infront of him. It was indeed Alex, and he looked amazing. It was younger Alex, hair hanging out of one of his old bandanas. He looked so young like he had when the band first started, brown overgrown hair and a cute boy-band face. He had a puzzled expression, his shiny brown eyes staring right into Jack's own. How he had missed those eyes. Jack was so enchanted by seeing his love's face for the first time in what had seemed like years, that he didn't notice Alex speaking at first. But when he did finally notice, his ears were ringing with the sound of Alex's sweet, well -spoken voice.
"Jack, what are you doing?" Alex asked, face scrunched up in that adorable confused way of his.
"I, um, wow Alex, you're here! I've missed you so much! I-"
"Shhh". Alex brought his finger to his lips. "Answer my question first".
Jack stared at Alex's finger on his lips, those lips that he missed so much. Alex was right here infront of him, but he couldn't touch him. Just to confirm, Jack raised his hand to the mirror, and touched Alex's cheek. All he felt was the cold glass of the mirror. No trace of Alex's once warm and inviting exterior.
"I want to be with you Alex" Jack replied. "Life isn't the same without you. I can't go on any longer - I have to be there with you".
"What about Rian and Zack?" Alex asked calmly. "They'll miss you?"
"Yes, but they miss you too. If you're not going to come back for them, then I don't need to stay here either" Jack thought for a moment. "unless you can come back?"
"You know I can't come back Jack" Alex replied. "I'm dead Jack. I'm never coming back". The words stung and brought fresh tears to Jack's eyes. "Don't cry" Alex whispered. "You can't do this to yourself, I know you miss me and I miss you more than ever too but, you can't give up on your life just for me". Jack was going to interrupt, but Alex put his hand infront of him, silencing him. "Zack and Rian need you. You have a family. And believe it or not, there is someone out there that isn't me that is going to make you happy and give you everything I no longer can. Throw the drugs away Jack, carry on living. I'm always going to be with you, even though we won't be able to communicate, I'll still be there. Get a new singer for the band, carry on performing. Whenever I saw you on that stage you were always at your happiest and so I can't let you give up on everything you're meant to be. When the time comes that you end up here too, we can finally be together. But only come here from natural causes. Live your life first. Please Jack, for me and for the others".
Jack couldn't stop crying. "But Alex…" he mumbled.
"Put the drugs in the trash, Jack" Alex said, and they both looked into each other's eyes. Jack slowly picked up the packet of pills and put the ones in his hand back into it, without breaking Alex's gaze. They both looked into each other's eyes as Jack's hand moved above the trash can, and his grip loosened. He heard the thud as the box landed in it, and saw Alex smile again. Jack felt himself ever so slightly smiling too, as it had been so long since he'd seen Alex like this.
"I love you Alex, I'll never forget about you. I promise you I'll see you soon" Jack said.
"Just make sure it's not too soon" Alex replied with a smile. "I love you too Jack. I always will. Just think of me sometimes, and I'll always be with you. Remember to smile. You deserve to".
Jack smiled back at Alex and nodded, as he slowly started to fade.
"Goodbye Alex." Jack said.
"Goodbye Jack" Alex replied. "Oh, and you might want to answer the door in a second. Give them a hug from me" He said, and then he was gone.
Jack's own reflection reappeared. Except, it was different. The black bags under his eyes were fading slightly, and he was smiling. He still loved Alex and the pain was still there, but he could carry on. Jack could see himself again. The clumsy, excitable self that he had lost over the past three weeks. He could carry on. He knew now that it was possible.
As he was wondering what Alex had meant about the door, there was a knock. Jack took one more look at his reflection and exited the bathroom, walking over to his front door, smiling at some of Alex's old things as he passed, including Alex's own acoustic guitar. He opened the door and was greeted by his best friends in the whole world; Zack and Rian. He had never been more happy to see them. He could never leave them, not now. They both realised straight away that he had been crying, and all pulled in together for a group hug. Jack held on as tight as possible.
"It's ok, we're here for you Jack" Rian said.
"I know. I love you guys" Jack replied, and they all smiled. Of course they were never going to replace Alex, but they wouldn't stop doing what they loved. The fact was, that the band were all still together - death and life wasn't involved in this. Alex was still there, he was holding on to them as well. Jack knew he'd be smiling right now. And therefore, Jack, and Rian, and Zack, all smiled too. Just because they couldn't see Alex anymore, didn't mean that he wasn't there. The four of them were still, and forever would be, the band of four best friends known as All Time Low.