I'm afraid to go up onto the second floor
If you wanted to work it out why'd you lock the door
I thought I was good at loving you
But our light went out when you wanted it to
I wish you the best, I'm headed west
It's all I know to do
And she sits there, strumming on the guitar that I gave to her. The nude nail polish that Mariana had insisted she wear with her prom dress reflected the sunlight as her hand moved up and down on the six string. The words flowing from her mouth, in her melodic voice, puts me into a trance, and I continue to sit in the kitchen with my back to the glass door. She had left it cracked when she walked right past me, curlers in her hair, and green crap on her face. I had long since finished eating the meal that was threatening to come back up at the thought of seeing her in a formal dress again. My mind and body remembering the way I felt the first time I saw her dressed up. The day I realized she was a woman, one I was insanely attracted to.
I find myself listening intently to the lyrics of the song she is singing, my heart constricting at every syllable. And I know in the very depths of my soul that she is singing to me, for me. I allow myself another glance at the beautiful creature sitting on the grass below the tree that overlooks her bedroom. She has one knee up, the guitar resting comfortably there. And just looking at her, with her eyes closed, and that hideous green shit that all girls seem to wear, and those fluorescent curlers in her brown hair, makes my stomach lurch. Makes my heart race, and my palms sweat.
And that's when I admit to myself that this isn't work, that this was never working in the first place. That I've been lying to myself when I wake up from a dream with an erection, and I tell myself that it wasn't her I was dreaming about. And this realization hits me like a ton of bricks, it slams so hard into my body, that all of my breath leaves me. So now, I'm breathless, staring at her through the back door. And I realize that in that moment, I needed to get the hell out of there. I needed to be anywhere but in my fucking kitchen, staring at the girl who I kissed a few times two years ago. Who apparently I still carried a torch for. One, that didn't seem to want to go out, not anytime soon at least.
When her voice hits a particular note, I feel the pain in my chest, in my stomach, in my head. And I realize that my heart is breaking and god damn it, I'm crying like a little bitch into an empty bowl, one that held oatmeal over a fucking hour ago. I angrily wipe at my eyes, flinching at the sheer forcefulness of it, as her song continues, into a softer cord now, her humming along for a break in the lyrics. And my heartbeat settles down, for that I am grateful. So I quickly grab the ceramic bowl in a death grip, trying to escape the kitchen before she starts singing again. But my legs feel like lead, and they're not moving as fast and I want them too. I make it halfway to the sink when I hear her voice singing once again. The bowl falls from my hands, and my head snaps in her direction.
My eyes are glued to her, with a blue bowl broken at my bare feet, and there's oatmeal residue on my toes, and pieces of ceramic are littering the kitchen floor. I know my moms are going to be pissed because they just swept and mopped this floor, but damn it all to hell if I care at the moment. Because she's thrown her head back against the tree and she's belting out the lyrics now, the sun shining onto her on that patch of grass in my backyard. And she's all that I can see, and she's all that I can hear. My body is frozen in this position, and the pain is back tenfold.
She ends the song, her eyes snapping open and staring intently into my own. I tear my gaze away from her and make quick work of cleaning up the dish, and wiping down my toes, silently scolding myself for being so careless. And now before prom I would have to take yet another shower, but not before taking a quick detour into my bedroom to relieve a certain problem that has arisen.
I will fall, I will fall if you come around
Just when i think my heart break has settled down
I will fall, I will fall if you come around
The limo seemed too small of a space for all of us to be sharing, when it fact it was just the four of us. Me and a pretty junior whose name was Monica, on one side. And then there was Callie, sitting there with Justin, the good ole American boy from down the block. You know the one, raised by a mom who got pregnant one last time in an attempt to keep her husband from straying. The type of guy who holds a door open for a girl, who kisses her hand, and pulls out her chair for her. Who shows up at my fucking house wearing this ridiculous grin, getting ready to take my girl to the prom. And never in my life have I ever wanted to hit someone do badly, well maybe expect for Liam, but this guy Justin he just makes my skin crawl.
Just the way he is looking at her in her white gown with the gold accents, and the way her long hair is curled and thrown over one shoulder. Or the way Mariana got her makeup to look perfect and her skin to look dewy... And if he touches her one more fucking time I swear to god...
But she's looking at me, and I'm looking at her, and were sharing this look. Monica is begging for attention, and I don't care and Justin just put his arm around her. And so I calmly sip my soda, and engage Justin in conversation. Something, anything, so that he will take his hands off of her. And so I ask of football, because of course that is what he plays, and Monica squeals, because I forgot she's a cheerleader. Soon they're off in their own world discussing the free throw line or some shit like that, and since I don't really care about anything other than the girl sitting across from me at the moment, it doesn't even phase me when Justin starts to get all handsy with my date, as long as his bearish paws aren't mauling Callie. I sigh in relief.
"Hi." I finally say to her, after staring at her coming down the stairs back home. My mouth wide open, as I noticed how her breasts heaved when she finally made it to the bottom step. Or that when she bent down to retrieve her purse, I could see the outline of her thong in the slinky material that covered her body.
"Hi." She whispered back, and I took this as my cue to move across the limo, closer to her. We had about another five minutes until we reached the hotel where the prom was being held, and I didn't want to waste another second. Because soon she would be swept into the crowd bySasquatch over there, and I probably wouldn't see her until we returned back home. I let my hand drop onto the seat between us, and smiled slightly when she let her smaller hand drop into mine. Seemingly on accident because of a bump in the road, but the fact that she didn't move it right away, tells me she did it entirely on purpose. And then the pain is back, because I know that I can't hold her tonight, the way I want to.
I can't press her body close to mine, so that she can feel the erection that was already starting to form. And I wanted nothing more than to watch that dress pool at her feet in the moonlight, and I wanted to lay her down on that patch of grass from this morning, and love her correctly until the sun rose in the sky behind us. But even though I wanted to say all of that, to tell her all of that. I turned my head and looked her in the eye, smiling slightly.
"Save the last dance for me." I whispered as the limo came to a stop. She nodded before removing her hand from mine, climbing over my lap to get out of the limo. And as soon as the night began, I already wanted it to be over.
When we said goodbye it was forever
And I spent the last year piecing my life together
Just when I think I've let you go
Your song's playing on the radio
And just like that it rushes back
Every part of you
I could see her swaying to the music with Justin across the room, and I felt the bile rush up my throat again, causing me to gag slightly. Monica and I had spent the last hour on the dance floor, with me keeping her back to the couple across the floor, making it so that I could watch her. Watch him, is what I told myself.
And when Justin's hairy oaf of a hand brushed over her ass, I saw red. My body went rigid, and I stopped dancing altogether. Monica looked up at me, silently asking me if I was okay with the lift of her eyebrow, I sighed tilting my head down to her, my eyes still on that jerk across the hall.
Who, mind you, if he didn't get his hand off of my girl's ass in two second, would be getting my size 11 up his very own ass. Followed by a keyboard to the skull. And I silently wondered when I had gotten this violent.
"It's hot in here." I said to Monica "I'm going to go get some air." And I left my date standing in the middle of the dance floor, stalking out of the room, making sure to bump into Justin as I walked by. I really didn't want to start a fight, but I would if I had to. Just to get that creep away from Callie. And again I wondered exactly where these feelings had come from, and why they had to read their ugly, but well wanted, heads today of all days. Standing outside the brisk night air hit my face, and with it came a sigh of relief. I leaned over the balcony, looking down the flight of steps to the sidewalk below. Asking myself, if I left now, and started to walk, would I make it home before dawn?
And even though I wanted to take off because it was literally killing me to see her in the arms of another man, I knew that there was at least one dance saved for me tonight. A four minute window where I could hold her close to my body, and we could pretend, without Jude or moms or the twins walking in on us. Without making a huge todo over a god forsaken kiss. When we could be horny teenagers at prom, and it could be my hand that slips down over the soft fabric to rest on the perfect swell of her ass.
But those fantasies are reserved for a boy and girl who do not share a house and a bathroom. Who I would not have to face tomorrow morning at breakfast, who if I did happen to get the chance to make love to her in the moonlight... And just like that the thoughts were gone, because she was standing beside me. And my body could feel her before I saw her. I could smell her and hear her coming, and she stood just a little too close. But that's okay, because I moved my arm closer to her, and she moved hers closer to me. We were both playing with fire, but I figured that Cinderella rules applied, and we got a free night. And at midnight everything would turn back to normal. I would go to my keyboard, and her to her guitar, and on Tuesday we would graduate and then we would both be gone.
Then I remind myself that this isn't a fucking fairy tale.
"Nice night." She says. And I feel as if she is mocking me in some way, but when I turn to look at her I see the tears forming in her eyes and it takes every single ounce of self control I have not to gather her into my arms and kiss those tears away. Instead, I turn back to the street and nod.
"Yeah." She huffs, her breasts rising and dropping once again, and I groan, and I know it was supposed to be silent, but I do it aloud anyway.
"You drive me crazy." I whisper into the night. She scoffs at me, glaring.
"Not as crazy as you drive me." She counters, and that's when I turn to her. And I notice that her eyeshadow has a small tint of green to it, which happens to be my favorite color, and she's wearing the bracelet I got her for Christmas last year, and she's wearing the perfume that I love.
"Why couldn't have this been easy?" I ask her, she shrugs. Signaling that she doesn't know, and being newly 18 I don't know the answer either. I turn my back to the street, glaring at the doors to the ballroom, to the suppression behind them.
"We should get back." She says and I laugh, my voice full of malice.
"Yes, wouldn't want to keep Bigfoot waiting now would we?" And that's when it happens, when she throws her head back and barks out an insane laughter that had my stomach tightening and my mouth turning upwards, and before I know it I'm smiling too. She's clutching onto me, doubled over, and I can plainly see down her dress now, and it makes me laugh louder and harder, tears threatening to spill from my eyes because I'm so fucking attracted to her and I know that I can't have her. I know she wants me too, and it's frustrating, and when our eyes connect that laughing stops completely. I let go of her, and she stands up right, patting her hair.
"See you at the limo." She says, before walking off into the door of suppression. And just like that my sour mood is back, and I continue staring at the street, wondering how long it would take me to walk to Boston from here. And before I know it it's 10:30 and prom is over in a half hour, and my date and her date are hooking up in the corner, and I don't give a shit. Because finally his hands are off of her.
l will fall, I will fall if you come around
Just when I think my heart break has settles down
I will fall, I will fall if you come around
I help her out of the limo, she has her hair in a bun now, and her shoes are held in her hands. And before I can even say anything she's turning from the house to walk towards the beach, and I follow her, placing my jacket around her shoulders and placing my hands in my pocket. We walk on in silence for what feels like forever but in reality is only ten minutes. And when we reach the dock she stares at me, daring me with those fucking eyes of hers.
"Let's jump." She stage whispers. And I look at her like she's crazy. But then I realize that I'm crazy too, and the tuxedo has to be returned tomorrow, so I start stripping it off on the dock. Before either of us know it we are in our underwear, standing a few feet back, and then she takes off running for the edge, and I do the only thing that has made sense to me in a while. I follow her. And before I know it I'm falling off the dock, and the metaphor slaps me as hard as the water does when it envelopes my body.
I fell for this girl. I love this girl. I'm in love with this girl. And when she comes up for air, with her hair plastered to her head, and her mascara running down her face, I swim over to her. And the moonlight is reflecting off the beads of water that have collected on her eyelashes, and I do something I haven't done in a while. My hands reach out for her waist, and I'm pulling her closer, and my lips are hovering, and then they are touching hers and my dick is hard. And my god she is moaning and pulling me closer. And I know that drugs are bad, but Callie isn't and so I touch her. I run my hands over her body, and rest one on the beautiful ass of hers. And I feel whole, and the pain I have been feeling all day is gone. And I relax, because this is right.
When her lips turn blue, and her teeth are chattering we make our way back to our clothes, wordlessly pulling them back onto our drying bodies. She reached out for my hand, and we walk barefoot back to the house. The doors are locked, so we sneak around to the side door, the entry way to the kitchen, and there are the base of the tree is a patch of moonlight and I smile.
"I never did get that dance you know." I say to her, pulling her body closer to mine. And we barely move to the humming coming from both of us, but we're content that way. Her head resting on my chest, my hands on her waist. Dancing in the moonlight at two in the morning. And I realized that Cinderella rules sort of applied here, even though at midnight the limo didn't turn back into a pumpkin, and somewhere along the way we lost both of her shoes. I look down at her.
"Boston?" I ask.
"Boston." She replies.
I will fall, I will fall if you come around.
A/N: prologue to my story the letters. Song is I Will Fall by Claire Bowen and Sam Palladino (the cast of Nashville)