Alec was standing in front of Magnus's apartment building, staring at the buzzer half-hoping it would ring itself. He knew better and defeated picked up his hand to push the buzzer next to BANE.
What would Magnus think of him, showing up in the middle of the night? Would he send him away?
His thoughts were interrupted when a familiar voice boomed through the speaker, "Who calls upon the High Warlock?"
"It's me Magnus," said Alec. "Let me in."
A few seconds later the door opened, and there stood Magnus. Alec drank him in. His light denim jeans were faded and covered in glitter. Either Magnus had bought them that way or the glitter had just accumulated there over the years. The jeans hung low on his hips and there was a strip of bare skin before the hem of his vibrant green shirt started. Alec's eyes moved up and he saw Magnus's arms folded over his chest, his long slender hands were wrapped around opposite arms as if he was trying to keep warm. Alec's eyes quickly moved up to his face. Magnus was neither smiling nor frowning. His eyes gave no emotion away. "What do you want, Alec?" His voice was as cool as glass.
"I need to talk to you, about you, about us," he hesitated, "about me." These last few weeks had been hell for him. He needed solace. He needed Magnus.
Without another word Magnus stepped aside, turned, and disappeared into the building. Not knowing what else to do, Alec followed. Magnus led him up several flights of stairs. Alec was lost in thought and almost ran into the warlock when he suddenly stopped. He peered over Magnus's shoulder and found that the door was ajar. Magnus reached a hand up and pushed on the door. Warm light spilled into the hallway. Magnus stepped into the room.
By the time Alec's eyes adjusted to the light Magnus had thrown himself down on the couch. He walked over and sat across from Magnus on the loveseat. A glass coffee table separated them, but it felt like a much bigger void. Finally Magnus broke the spell of silence that hung in the air. "You must have questions. Why don't you ask them?"
"I do have questions, Magnus, but I'm not going to ask them. You're only going to tell me as much as you're going to tell me. Even if I beg or leave you alone, you're not going to tell me more."
It was better to tell Alec the whole truth than nothing at all. "Well," he began. "I've been alive a long time. I've dated many people." Of course that was what Alec wanted to know; not about his whole past just his dating past.
He watched Alec's expression carefully. Alec remained closed off watching him expectantly. Magnus had no choice but to go on. "Including Downworlders, mundanes men and women alike, and other Shadowhunters," he said thinking of Will and Camille among other past lovers. Still there was no response from Alec. "Sure, some of those people made me who I am but other events in my life have done that too. The past doesn't matter to me."
He bit back what he was going to say next and instead he reached across the void that separated them and took Alec's hands in his own from where they rested at his sides. All the while thinking: you do. You matter to me. I love you. Those three words he had never said them to Alec but he had known it was true the first time they kissed.
Alec didn't pull back or flinch at Magnus's touch; he didn't have the energy. Magnus was staring at Alec's hands his thumb stroking Alec's knuckles. His hands were pale, so pale. Had they always been this pale?
Magnus spoke quietly, "It doesn't change the way I feel about you."
He looked up into Alec's eyes. They were downcast. Magnus wondered why Alec wouldn't look him in the eyes.
Slowly Magnus stood up, careful to never let go of Alec's hands, scared of losing him forever. He came over and sat by him. Magnus was moving his slender fingers in-between Alec's, intertwining them. Alec could feel Magnus's eyes on him waiting for him to turn. He didn't.
"Look at me," his voice was gentle, but commanding.. Still Alec made no move to turn. Magnus disentangled his hand and raised it to Alec's chin. He pressed upwards slightly and Alec was forced to meet his gaze. Magnus looked into his eyes. They looked like a deeper shade of blue or maybe it was the black and blue shadows under his eyes that made them look that way. Magnus knew there should be suffering, pain, grief, and maybe rage in his eyes but there was no emotion; it was hidden, hidden well.
Alec wasn't letting himself feel anything and it hurt him to have Magnus look at him that way, with love and concern. Not after what he let happen to Max. He wouldn't let himself think those thoughts, even though they let him feel something. It was best to block out Max; forget about him. Finally Magnus broke the spell.
"I love you, Alexander."
Now it was Alec's turn to be stunned. Magnus loved him of all people he picked the measly little, gay shadowhunter. He was an outcast, only loved by family now his parents disapproved of him. Only Jace and Izzy stayed true. When Alec thought of love he thought of Izzy teasing him, his parabatai and brother Jace, and his little brother Max. That was a different kind of love wasn't it?
Oh, Max. Alec felt his face tighten. Seeing his response Magnus hastily added, "I don't know if you feel that way about me. I don't know if you'll ever feel that way about me, but it's the way I feel about you and it's not going to change."
Alec was barely listening. All the grief he had tried so hard to press down these last few weeks suddenly surfaced. He felt hot tears gather in his eyes. Alec sensed Magnus's cool hand sliding over his own feverish skin and up to his cheek. A tear spilled over wetting his lashes and leaving a wet streak on his cheek. Magnus gently brushed it away.
Unexpectedly Alec pulled away from Magnus and stood up. A great wave of dizziness washed over him. He had forgotten he hardly eaten anything in several days and had not slept through the night in almost six weeks. Alec staggered knowing for sure he was going to fall and then there was an iron grip on his wrist pulling him back towards the couch. Tears were spilling down his face freely. He no longer cared. He just wanted it to be over. This nightmare of guilt and pain.
Magnus didn't even look at him before pulling Alec into a fierce embrace. Alec began to sob. All the grief came welling up. It poured out of him, but Magnus's embrace never wavered. His strong arms enfolded Alec, pressing him closer, his hands stroking Alec's shaking back.
Alec let himself feel everything- the pain, the loss. Then his anger came up out of nowhere pulling, dragging and hauling him down into an abyss of no return. A small part of his brain said he shouldn't be mad at Magnus; after all, the warlock was only trying to protect him. Alec let it go. He was tired of feeling it all. The anger he felt towards Magnus was something he could change. The other feelings he knew would not go away. There was no substitute. He could not change them
Magnus had not expected this of Alec. He thought he had moved on. Magnus had lost many people. No one was ever there to hold. him, so he would be there for Alec. In all his years very few people had loved him the way Alec did.
Soon the tears stopped leaving Alec feeling empty. He didn't pull away from Magnus and soon his breathing became slow and even. Magnus thought he was asleep. Alec wasn't, he was fighting through the grogginess that had taken hold of him these last few weeks. Finally Alec's mind was clear enough to realize he did love Magnus. He wasn't supposed to feel this way. He wasn't going to let himself feel this way. Never the less Alec said, "I love you, Magnus." His voice was muffled since his face was pressed to the other man's chest.
Magnus's grip loosened on Alec for a split second before pressing him closer than before. Alec's arms snaked their way up and around Magnus's chest. He forced his face up and looked into those cat-like eyes. They were full of love and left over concern for him. Magnus adjusted his arms and let Alec move up so they were at eye level with each other. Alec leaned in his hands now placed firmly on Magnus's chest. He could feel his steady heartbeat under the thin layer of cloth that kept him from touching bare skin. Their lips brushed.
Alec pulled back but Magnus leaned into Alec keeping their lips connected. Alec gave up resisting Magnus and kissed back. Magnus turned his head so he was looking straight ahead. Alec started to fall into Magnus's lap with the sudden movement, so he threw his leg over Magnus to make it easier for them to be together. He was straddling the warlock, their lips pressed together. Magnus's arms enveloped Alec and brought him closer to his self.
Alec let out a gasp clearly he was not expecting this to develop and Magnus took the opportunity to run his tongue over Alec's teeth. In response Alec brought his hands up to Magnus's face. He let his hands roam over the warlock's face. His hands continued up toward spiked hair. He felt his fingers slide over the soft gelled hair. Carelessly Alec tugged on it. Magnus let out a moan, through the cracks their lips couldn't seal, encouraging Alec to continue. Alec brought himself closer to Magnus, all pain and grief forgotten. Putting more pressure on Magnus's lips Alec found they slid open giving him permission to enter. Alec explored his mouth carefully as if he was afraid.
Magnus brought his hands lower on Alec's back tugging at his shirt, wanting so badly to take it off. Instead, though, he let his hands slip under it. He felt goose bumps forming on Alec's skin. Taking that as invitation to continue he let his hands glide farther up Alec's back. He splayed his fingers across the boy's shoulder blades trying to bring him closer.
Alec was trying to urge Magnus on. He wanted him more than anything. His hands trailed down to Magnus's waist. Alec could feel Magnus trying to break away but now he was the stubborn one and wouldn't give. Magnus was persistent, and he did break the kiss only to lower his mouth to the shadowhunter's neck. He sensed the warlock's mouth gently nipping at the vulnerable skin. Magnus heard Alec whimper at the unexpected sharpness of his teeth, but struggle to expose more skin. He felt Alec move his head to the side; a desperate move to get them nearer to each other. Magnus brought his slender hands around to Alec's chest. He went to move his mouth lower on Alec's body, but he was no longer there.
Alec felt a stinging pain rip down his side, Magnus's nails must have scratched him but he continued to stand, frantic to get away. He lurched towards the door hoping to make it there before Magnus. Alec's mind wasn't clear and he could only think of escaping these bittersweet feelings.
Magnus managed to get there before him. Alec about ran into the taller man. He succeeded in stopping a few feet in front of Magnus though small gasps emancipated from his own mouth. "Let me through," demanded Alec although it sounded more like a plea.
"No, not until you tell me why you're pushing me away," replied Magnus.
Alec tried to take a threatening step towards Magnus but he faltered and fell into him. The warlock drug the boy up until he could lie against his chest.
Alec tried to push Magnus aside but his grip held firm. "I don't want to talk about it," he muttered into Magnus's chest. He feared that if by speaking about Max his responsibility in the matter would come true and would crush him. If Magnus knew he wouldn't love Alec anymore. He shouldn't love him now.
"We need to talk," responded Magnus as he towed Alec back to the couch.