A/n: A one-shot fanfiction again for Rurouni Kenshin...This is a K/K fic.
Please read it and give me a nice review.
Disclaimer: I do not own RK or the song that I will write (or type) here.
Marrying Someone That I Don't Even Love
By: Killua K.
@~~~~~
We met that day; I saw you looking up at the heavens and wondering about many mysteries and problems involving the so-called 'life'. You were sitting on a long bench near a giant Sakura tree. Its leaves and petite pink flowers fell slowly, heading to the ground; waiting for the gravity to eat them. You wore this black hanten that hugged your masculine body. You were still looking at the starry heaven watching, observing everything around. Suddenly, snow fell.
I was startled when I felt the chill that they brought. I wasn't expecting snow that day. But, I guess, it made the place more romantic for your reminiscence; and for my own recollection, too.
I stood near your place and watched you. You suddenly moved and turned your head to me. I saw a scar on your cheek. I gaped just when you directly looked at me. I took my eyes off you and whistled. Well, I tried to whistle; but I wasn't able to do that. I couldn't do such thing. At the side of my eyes, I caught you holding a white ribbon. It was made of fine silk and I wondered where you got that.
I sighed heavily then found a bench where I can sit on. I walked towards it and threw myself carelessly to it.
"OUCH!" I cried painfully. My head hit a branch of a tree and I cursed myself for not being careful. I rubbed my head by my fingers and tears filled my eyes. I wiped them then tightly closed my eyes.
I am childish girl. I cry every time I get hurt. I couldn't control myself from doing that.
When I opened my eyes, I found a white-skinned hand in front of me. It was holding a handkerchief. I grabbed the hankie and wiped the tears that were left inside my eyes. I looked up and was surprised to find you, walking away from me. You had long red hair. It was in a ponytail. It swayed slowly as you departed from my place. The snow had stained your black hanten and made your red hair glow in pinkish color. I smiled when I saw the whole thing.
I looked down on the hankie that he gave me. I spread it wide and found an embroidered-name on the lower right side. It was nicely done in fine golden thread. I touched it for a second and admired it. The name was 'Tomoe'. I turned my eyes back to the place where you were. I found you nowhere.
'Is that his name? Tomoe?' I thought.
A light breeze passed me and sent me chills. The snow continued to fall and the starry heaven was clouded. I watched the Sakura tree as it shed off its flowers and leaves. Then I began reminiscing my past.
When I was still a child, I had this acquaintance. He's the son of the best friends of my parents. I really didn't have any special memory about this guy. I don't even remember his name or even his face. I don't know anything about this boy. We were seeing each other before. But he wouldn't talk to me or even say 'hi'. He's really quiet, shy and submissive. I didn't like him for that. We would smile at each other at times. But those would be the 'rarest' times- it's either I was feeling so light or happy or our parents force us to do so.
Years passed and we haven't seen each other. They migrated to US; we were left here in Tokyo. We would receive some letters from them. But as time passed by, the communication was lost. There wasn't any news from them. Anyways, I don't care whether I see him or I forget about him. Until...
My parents received an e-mail from his parents informing us that they would be arriving Japan. We were really surprised about their letter. After, almost fourteen years of no communication, they would send an e-mail. I wondered why they informed us of their arrival.
We were about to fetch them from the airport and give them an arrival party. Well, my parents did that but I didn't come with them. I was sick that day and I really had no plan of meeting that boy again.
When my mother and father came back to our house, they told me that we were going to have dinner with their friends. I was about to agree to their decision when I remembered that I could be meeting that shy boy- so I refused them. But they told me I couldn't refuse anymore. They said that I failed to go with them during their friends' arrival so I need to do a make up for that. I hadn't been able to reason out so I was forced to go with them.
We arrived at their big house. It's actually a very big mansion. We entered the well-built place and stared at awe. Then, they came to see us. Luckily, I didn't see any boy or guy, whatever. They told us that he couldn't join the dinner because he visited a grave of his loved one. I smiled inside me. Now, I will enjoy this.
The dinner started and my parents and their friends chitchatted with each other. They began telling their own stories while I listened; I was bored, really bored. Until they started talking about my love life...
"Hey, Kaoru...are you married now with someone?" the woman asked me. I was almost choked about what she asked. I quickly drank the glass of water in front of me.
I chuckled then smiled at them. "Well, my status is single."
"That's good. Well, we could still go on with our plans," she talked to my mother. I was confused.
"Plans?" I asked.
She looked at me and nodded her head. "Haven't your parents informed you of that?"
I threw daggers to my parents as I gave them an evil look.
"We haven't told her. We want her to be innocent of it," my father replied. I knitted my brows as I sighed heavily.
"Oh, so Kaoru doesn't know. Well, I think it's time for her to know that she is destined to marry someone," the woman said.
My mouth dropped open when I heard what she said. 'What the hell is she saying?'
"Huh? I don't understand. What are you talking about? What do you mean when you said that 'I am destined to live with...someone'?" I wanted to confirm. They all laughed.
"You are going to be married to her son. I thought you have guessed that," my father informed me.
I almost fainted in shock. No, I thought. I never wished to be married to their son. He's so weird, different. I don't like him.
"No...are you kidding me?" I tried to smile. How could they just arrange such a foolish marriage between two people who didn't even know each other? Besides, I couldn't even remember how he looked like. I didn't want to know.
"We are not making a joke out of this very serious and special moment of your lives. We planned this thing, my daughter and we believe that this will be the best thing for both of you," my mother seriously explained. I suddenly became quiet when I saw her eyes. Well, she's really a stern person. I didn't want to make any arguments with her. I knew that I couldn't win if she's my enemy.
I looked at my mother's friend. She was smiling at me then she began telling a story about her son.
"Shinta...oh, I pity my son so much. His fiancée died because of extreme hatred for us. She knew that Shinta is going to be married to you and she was reluctant about that. I explained everything to her but she cannot accept it. Actually, she thought that suicide was the answer to her problem.
"One day, Shinta was going to propose to her. He brought this ring and he really prepared himself for that. But when he entered his fiancée's house, his girlfriend's body was lying lifeless on the couch. He called for an ambulance. But it was too late. Now, he's blaming himself for what happened. But then, he could not blame himself because it was really my fault. I shouldn't have stopped them from marrying one another.
"Kaoru, I know that you are the only woman in this world who can make him realize that it is time to move on."
"It's too late, Okaa-san. I will never have the chance to move on. Besides, I don't want to forget her that easily."
I turned my head to find someone walking away from our place. I couldn't see how he looked like. He was wearing a black coat and his clothes were wet. Maybe, it rained outside. But I wasn't sure.
"Gomenasai, Kaoru-chan. He's being impolite to a lady like you. Please forgive him," his mother begged me. I was shocked to find this out.
"Daijobou..." I replied shortly. I realized that that man was her son- the man that I was going to marry.
We finished our dinner that night and I was more confused about the things that were taking place. I never thought that after all those years; we are going to be married to each other. Things were moving too fast. And I just can't keep on following its movement.
Snow fell onto the ground.
I continued looking up at the sky and tried harder to organize my thoughts.
After so many years, they came back into my life. Then they have announced to me that I was going to be married to Shinta. Shinta had a fiancée and she died because she has known that her fiancé was going to be married to someone else. And that someone was I. Now, I feel that I am the reason why she died. If it wasn't for me, then she should be still living up to this moment. I think the blame is on me.
Wind blew and I felt colder. The stars disappeared from the sky because of the dark clouds that covered them. I looked at the giant Sakura tree near my place and realized that it has stopped shedding its flowers and leaves.
Suddenly, when I turned back to check if I was the only one now in that place, I saw the man named 'Tomoe' beside me. He was looking at me sweetly and I realized that he was so beautiful.
I brought out the hankie that he lent to me from my pocket and gave it to him. I smiled widely as I showed it to him.
"Arigatou gozaimasu, Tomoe," I spoke.
His violet eyes widened in shock, I think. "My name is not Tomoe," he said.
My mouth dropped open. My face turned into a reddish color. Oh, right! Maybe, I was too confident about his name.
"Oh, gomen ne...I thought it is your name. I saw it on this hankie. It is embroidered here," I explained.
He got the handkerchief from my hand. His skin touched mine and I felt its warmth. I wanted his hand to stay longer on mine. But then, I couldn't wish for such a foolish thing like that.
"That name is my sister's. She lent it to me because I ran out of handkerchiefs this day," he told me as he sat beside me. "And please, keep it." He put the hankie back into my hand and held it for a while.
"I thought this is your sister's. Why are you giving it to me?" I said. I brought the piece of cloth to my nose and smelled its scent.
"She doesn't need it anyway. She has plenty of handkerchiefs. I believe that losing one won't hurt her feelings much," he answered.
I grinned slightly and reluctantly accepted his offer. I put the hankie back inside my pocket. Then, I chuckled at nothing.
"What's your name?" I first questioned him.
"Do you really have to know me?" he said. I nodded my head. I didn't erase the smile on my face.
"We are not sure if we're going to see each other again. Besides, we might easily forget one another. So why should you ask for my name?" he explained.
"Name is the most important aspect of one's personality. And I believe that if I would know your name, I'd be able to make a guess about what your personality is," I said.
He laughed heartily and I admired the way he made that smile. His lips were thin and they were placed perfectly on his face.
"I'm Kenshin. Now what is your name?" he asked me then.
I reached out my hand as I smiled. "Kaoru." We shook hands and I saw the glimmer in his eyes. I found him damn handsome.
We continued staring at each other. Suddenly, he smiled at me again. "My h- hand...Kaoru," he spoke. I looked down and saw my hand holding his tightly. I quickly removed mine from his and chuckled foolishly.
"I'm so sorry about that...I was just swept away by my emotions," I tried to reason out.
He nodded his head. Then he looked up at the sky and watched the darkness as it lifted away. The dark clouds were gone and soon the stars appeared in sight. I realized that snow was also gone. But I wished it just stayed that way. I thought it would be more romantic for both of us.
"Why are you here anyway?" he asked me then.
"I was just trying to clear my thoughts," I answered him.
"What do you mean?"
I sighed heavily. The great Sakura tree began shedding its flowers and leaves again. A breeze passed us so some of the falling flowers went to our direction. I smiled when a flower fell on my hand. I closed my fist and rubbed my fingers on it. It was so smooth.
"I'm troubled and I have to think very well on how to get out of my complicated situation."
I glanced at him and saw him staring at the starry sky. His scar twitched a bit and I wondered if that was because of extreme coldness. His long red ponytail kept on swaying away from his back. It glimmered in the dark and it reflected the light that the stars were giving off.
"What might that situation be if you won't mind my harsh asking?" he inquired.
"I am about to be married to someone that I don't even know. My parents and his parents arranged our marriage without informing us. I don't even know that boy. I don't like him in the first place. Why would I pretend to him that I love him?" I raised my voice. Oh, great! I was getting angry again. I tried to be more careful of my actions and the words that I'll choose.
He laughed when he heard what I said. There was really nothing funny about that. I don't see why it sounded hilarious to him.
"What's so funny about that? Is that ridiculous to you?" I asked him harshly.
He shook his head then tried to stop himself from laughing. I was getting annoyed at him that time. But truly, I can't hate him for that. I admired him more- how he laughed and how he made serious things lighter for me.
"It's strange but...I think we are suffering under the same situation," he said.
"Huh?"
"I mean, I am also going to be married to someone that I don't know. And I think that's also the reason why I came here- to clear out my thoughts and think for the best solution to get out of my problems," he explained thoroughly.
I was shocked at what he told me. I didn't know that we were both experiencing the same problem. I began laughing. Now, I understood why he laughed when I told him what my problem was.
"What a coincidence!" I cried as I foolishly laughed.
I was smiling and laughing the whole time, realizing that I wasn't the only one having that situation. Until...
You knelt down in front of me and fetched my hand into yours. You looked into my eyes and saw nothing but anxiety. You held my cheek for a long time and surprisingly, I broke down.
You were startled at what I acted. And I felt so dumb that time. I didn't want to be married to anyone. I didn't want to be married to someone that I don't even love. Now, I was just crying hysterically, childishly and stupidly in front of a gentleman like you. I wanted to throw myself to your chest and cry out all the pain inside me.
I was afraid to be married to someone. I was afraid that I won't be happy in that kind of life. I was very afraid that nothing can stop that marriage.
You wiped my tears by your thumbs and smiled sweetly. Oh, how I wish the time would just stop and we would be here forever. You were such a kind man and I believe that I am starting to have special feelings for you.
"Am I stupid?" I asked you. You shook your head.
"Then I'm an idiot?"
You shook your head again.
"I'm foolish?"
You shook your head.
"What am I?!" I yelled.
You got something out of your pocket. It was a small box. You opened it in front of me and held my hand.
"Marry me, Kaoru."
I gaped widely.
You got the ring inside the box and tried to put in on my finger. I was so amazed by its beauty and its brilliance. I thought I was the happiest person in the whole wide world.
"I c-can't..." I suddenly said. I pulled my hand from yours and lowered my head sadly.
'Why would I marry him? I don't even know him. Besides, we have just met. He's not even my fiancé. I am not sure where he got that ring. But I know that that wasn't really for me. Maybe his fiancée refused him so he's here, trying to find someone that might replace his girlfriend's place in his heart. And I wouldn't be that woman.' I wiped the tears that dried in my eyes then looked at him angrily.
"Doushite?" he asked me.
"I know you're a nice guy, Kenshin...But I think you are not for me. And I am not for you. We have just met. How could you possibly know what my attitude is? You personally do not know me. And besides, if your girlfriend refused to marry you, then don't ask anyone else to replace her in your heart..."
"I was just joking."
I was stopped by your words. Now I'm more confused. You asked me to marry you and then you'll tell me that it's just one of your antics? I don't understand it...
"Nani?"
He laughed again. He stood up from his place and sat beside me again. He looked up at the stars and smiled.
I couldn't believe it was just a joke for you...I mean I almost believed you. Well, I really believed you. It was good that I refused you.
"You're right," you said. "I can't just replace my girlfriend inside my heart just because she refused to marry me. And we have just met, as you said. Why would I fall in love with a stranger?"
I was hurt by your words though I tried hard to understand them. But I just wished you have been more careful. And I was also hurt when you said that you have a girlfriend. I was pretty sad about that.
"Yeah...you can't just- f-fall in love...with a stranger." I repeated his words.
"Actually, my girlfriend didn't refuse me. She left me the day that I was about to propose to her. I am not sure where she went. But I hope she has a peace of mind."
I nodded my head.
"Well, at least you can still try to find her. You are still lucky. But not like me...I'm going to be married to a guy that I don't like. I wouldn't be happy," I said.
You finally stared at me. "But at least, you might try to love him."
I reacted at your reason. "You don't understand. It's just that I don't want my parents to control my life."
"Well, you also don't understand what I am feeling right now. My girlfriend left me. Do you exactly know what pain I am experiencing right now? Or are you just trying to understand?" you spoke. Your voice rose a bit and I felt so ashamed of myself. You were absolutely right about that. Yes, I don't understand what you feel. But you also don't understand what I feel.
"You haven't been in love. And I believe that you wouldn't understand it unless you have experienced it by yourself." You were serious that time and I could see your violet eyes turning into a tawny color. I just lowered my head.
"Maybe I can't understand what you feel right now. Maybe I don't really know what love is. Maybe I don't really know how to love," I spoke. "But I am sure of one thing...no one should ever be in control of your feelings- because it hurts inside."
I stood up from my place then got the hankie out of my pocket. I threw it to you and gave you an angry look. "I do not need hankies to soften my heart for a person like you," I said. I turned back, when I realized that my words were a bit wrong, I faced you again and sighed. "Well, my heart w- won't soften...for you."
I walked away from you. But then, I thought getting that hankie again would be practical. I ran back to you then grabbed the hankie from you and slid it inside my pocket.
Suddenly, snow fell once more and the Sakura tree stopped shedding its leaves and flowers. I cried again. No one understands what I feel, I thought. I hugged myself in the darkness and tried to find my way out of that place. I've never felt so alone before.
Days passed and the time ran swiftly. I didn't care. I didn't want to think much about that stupid marriage. Until now, I can't believe that my parents are still in control of my life. They are still making and choosing the 'right' decisions for me. I didn't expect that they'd still treat me as their baby. But then, I understand them. I was their only child and it was just natural for them to decide what kind of life I should have.
Oh well, I am back here in this place. I'm sitting on this bench again and looking up at the heaven. I wasn't really expecting someone to accompany me here- Until, my dear acquaintance came and sat beside me.
"Gomenasai..." you spoke as you broke the silence that enveloped us for about ten minutes. I turned to you and grinned slightly.
"Doushite?" I asked. I removed my mittens and put them inside the pocket of my sweater. My hands were cold red and they felt numb. I sighed heavily and my breath turned into frost. It was winter now. And everyday, the temperature was getting lower.
"For hurting you the first time we met? I believe I've misunderstood you that time," you explained as you smiled sweetly. Your red hair was still in that ponytail hairstyle. It shone under the moonlight. It was so lustrous and I wondered how you kept it in that healthy state. Before, I thought that men having long hair are so weird and deviant; but, Kenshin, made me realize that I shouldn't judge a person by how they looked.
"Daijobou..." I replied. "I was just confused that time and I am really a childish girl, that's why nobody likes me or whatever." Snow started to fall and I felt colder. I got the mittens from my pocket and put them on again. I hugged myself tightly as I shivered in coldness.
I began laughing so hard. "Oh..." I spoke as my breath came out as frost. "I don't know why I came back here...it's just my favorite place. I always come here to think and reminisce...I never thought that I'd earn a friend just by coming here."
You chuckled happily. Your eyes were still in that violet haze color. I love the way you looked at me. "I'm lucky to be your friend." You said. You didn't know that I blushed tremendously at your words. I lowered my head and hugged myself more tightly. Snow fell continuously but it wasn't so hard. The temperature just got colder. "By the way...why did you come back here?"
I looked at you and sighed heavily. "I was just preparing myself for the- wedding."
"Preparing?" your voice raised. "Why would you prepare yourself?"
I smiled. "Because I am not ready to marry a man that I don't like."
"When you marry a person, you do not like him. You love him," you reasoned out. I just lifted my eyebrows and pretended that I wasn't getting annoyed at him.
"All right..." I just said. "You know what?" I spoke.
"Nani?"
"I am falling in love with someone right now. And I believe he has my heart. But then, he doesn't even love me. How would he know that I have feelings for him?" I became frank about that. I wish you would have a clue that I like you. But I think...
"Tell him."
"Tell him?"
"Hai."
"What if...he doesn't love me? He might reject my feelings for him..."
"I don't think so...Why would he reject a lady like you?" you spoke. I lowered my head and blushed again. You continued speaking and I just turned into a tomato. I thought that I should confess my feelings for you this time. Maybe, you'd understand that I shouldn't marry another man. I rubbed my cold hands and prepared myself for my confession.
"Well...y-you see, I am," I started speaking. "...f-falling in love with you, Kenshin..."
"Hm?" you said. I lifted my head and saw you standing beside the great Sakura tree. You were smiling sweetly. The snow fell on us and cold breezes passed us. "Why did you call me?" you asked. I was disappointed. I lowered my head again and tried to stop myself from crying. I closed my eyes tightly and breathed harder. I thought you heard what I said. I looked up at you and plastered a fake smile on my face. I stood up from my place and went closer to you. I tried to hold your right cheek. I lifted my hand and touched it; felt its very cold temperature. You lost the sparkle in your eyes and even the sweet smile you usually make. You held my hand and touched it. Your skin was smooth and I loved the way you answered me. I saw your scar; I removed my hand from yours and carefully touched your scar. You suddenly held my hand again and drove my hand away from your scar.
"I'm sorry..." I whispered.
"It's all right." You replied.
Why am I feeling this way for you, Kenshin? We met; and I have known you for a short time. And yet, I am falling in love with you...
"I love you..." I said for the last time. I hope you heard it. I looked deeply into your eyes and found your loneliness lingering somewhere there.
You smiled sweetly again and I chuckled. I was sure that you heard my words.
"What?" you asked me.
I was shocked to hear you asking me that question. "I s-said..." I started. "I said...I'll try to fall in love with my bride-groom."
I turned away from you and put my hands inside my pockets. I touched a hankie inside it. It was the handkerchief you gave me. I held it for a long time then walked away from you. Tears fell from my eyes even though the temperature was so cold.
"Kaoru..." you called my name. I stopped walking away from you and stood there to hear your last words.
"Best wishes." You spoke.
I ran away from you and burst crying. I cried hard.
I didn't want to marry anyone. My heart is just for you.
Time went by. I haven't even noticed it. Now is my marriage. I still haven't met my bride-groom. My parents insisted that they wanted it to be a surprise. But I don't like surprises really.
I faced the mirror and found myself so un-pretty. I wasn't even smiling. Actually, I cried last night and now my eyes are bulging.
We soon left our house and headed the church. I arrived there.
I began walking down the aisle. I was frowning actually. My parents were gesturing to me to smile. But I can't force myself to do that.
The altar was in front of me and I admired everything around me. When I reached it, I found no one beside me. I knitted my eyebrows and realized that the bride-groom wasn't there.
I suddenly laughed. My parents walked towards me and whispered, "Are you crazy? Why are you laughing by yourself?"
"Is it bad to laugh?" I asked them. They just got annoyed at me. I don't care. It was good that the bride-groom is not still here. At least, the wedding will not materialize. I really want to thank him for that. The priest in front of me asked me where the groom has been. I just told him that I didn't know.
"Why are you smiling?" he asked me.
"Oh, Father...I am so happy that this wedding won't happen," I replied.
"Why?"
"I don't love my groom. My parents and his parents arranged this stupid wedding for us. I don't even know him," I explained. The priest nodded his head and chuckled too. He understood me. I was sure about that.
We waited inside the church for a very long time. I just sat there and whistled in happiness.
"Shinta told me that he'll just visit his girlfriend's grave. I didn't know what took him so long. I am so sorry that he failed to come here," his mother explained.
"It's all right, ma'am. I understand him," I said.
I removed my veil then walked out of the church. I rode inside a taxi and went home.
When I got home, I instantly got a pen and paper. I laughed loudly then started writing on it.
It goes like this:
Dear Shinta,
I know that we haven't met each other and that our marriage is not right. It's unfair for both of us. I really want to thank you for not attending this wedding. I am so happy about it. At last, I've realized that my parents are much in control of my life now. That's all.
P.S. Can we remain as friends? I hope. By the way, I want to meet you at the park near the great Sakura tree. I believe you know that. I'll see you there.
Kaoru
I folded the paper and put it inside an envelope. I changed my clothes and went outside. I decided to mail it.
I came at the park and waited there. I sat on the bench near the Sakura tree and thought about what happened on my wedding. I was really happy that Shinta didn't come. I know that he didn't want to be married to someone, too.
Suddenly, someone touched my back. I turned around and saw Kenshin smiling at me. I thought he was Shinta.
"Why are you here again?" I asked him.
"Oh, nothing...Well, why are you here?" he asked me too.
"I will be meeting my groom," I said.
"By the way, congratulations," he said.
I laughed loudly. "Our wedding didn't happen. He didn't come."
He smiled.
I looked at the clear blue sky and admired its beauty.
"I want to tell you something," he spoke.
I looked at him and still smiled. "What is it?"
You held my hand and touched it. "I'm sorry I lied." He said. "I am Shinta..."
I was confused at what he said. I tried to remove my hand from him and knitted my eyebrows. "What are you saying?" I tried to understand him.
You gave my hand a light squeeze and held my cheek. "I couldn't believe I have lied to you..." you said. I frowned. I was more confused at what you said.
"Kenshin..." I spoke. "W-what- do you mean...'you've lied'?"
You removed your hand from mine and pulled out something from your pocket. It was a white envelope- nothing unusual. What really alarmed me was when you opened the envelope and unfolded the letter you got from it. You opened my closed hand and placed the letter on it.
"I received this early this morning..." you started explaining. "I knew that my bride wrote it to thank me. But I was really astonished when I saw your name written at the lower left corner. I tried to make myself believe that it was just another person that has your name."
I started crying.
"But when...I came here," you continued. "I saw you...I thought it was just another coincidence- until I learned from you that you were waiting for your bride-groom and that your wedding didn't happen."
I cried harder. How could you lie to me? How could you hide the truth from me?
You held my cheeks and wiped my tears by your thumbs. I refused your fingers and turned my head away from you. I didn't want to see you. I didn't want to hear all of your lies.
"I wish...you just haven't told me the whole truth..." I told you. My tears were falling down on my cheeks and down to my hands. "I thought you were so innocent about this..."
You just smiled at me but I knew that you were sad about something. Your eyes were speaking too much of your solitude. And I guess it is not just because of your lies to me...
"You are really like my girlfriend..." you said.
I looked at you- my vision was a mere blur. The tears were inside my eyes and they have stopped falling.
"Actually, I have lied to you about that, too," you continued. Your voice was a little bit shaky. I believe that you were about to cry that time but you were holding them in your eyes. "Tomoe...is the name of my girlfriend. And the handkerchief that I gave you was her hankie."
"Why did you give it to me?" I asked you in a pleading tone.
"She couldn't use it anymore...she's dead. I think you know that."
Oh, I clearly remember that...I held the hankie that you gave me and squeezed it. I wanted to tear it into pieces and throw them to your face. I wanted to mock you. I wanted to kill you. I wanted to shout at you...
I wanted to tell you how much I hated you for keeping all these from me, for making me believe that the person that I was going to marry was a person that I don't love...
I want to tell you that I have wished before. I have made a wish about YOU- being my bride-groom and not Shinta. And it's because I am in love with you.
You have made me learn how to love someone...yet you have made me feel the pain it brings- to love someone that doesn't even know how to love me.
"Maybe...your name isn't really Kenshin...Maybe you have made up that too," I began shouting lightly at you. "Maybe your girlfriend is not really dead! Maybe my wedding to you is not really true! Maybe Tomoe isn't your girlfriend! Maybe you don't know how to love! Maybe..." I breathed in harder and cried more. I stood up and looked down on you angrily.
"MAYBE I AM NOT REALLY STUPID TO FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE LIKE YOU!!! MAYBE I DO NOT REALLY LOVE YOU! MAYBE THIS ISN'T TRUE! MAYBE I AM JUST DREAMING! MAYBE I DON'T KNOW YOU!!!!!!" I've wasted my voice just because I needed to shout at you and make you feel what I am feeling right now.
You stood up, too and tried to embrace me. I refused you and finally broke down crying.
"I thought you w-were...my friend, Kenshin..." I said as I calmed down a little bit. "How dare you..."
You went closer to me then held me tightly.
"I didn't know that you were my bride...I thought you were somebody else..." you tried to explain.
"But why did you lie to me when we first met?" I asked you.
"It's because I don't want anyone to know something about me...Besides, I don't want to remember what happened to Tomoe...It hurts me so much. Do you understand, Kaoru?"
I looked up at you and found your sad eyes staring at me. "Don't ever call me by name again...And...we are not friends anymore..."
You suddenly loosened your hold. Snow began falling down from the sky- just like the first time we met. Before, I felt alone when I am here...but now, I feel more alone.
"I don't know you..." I said.
"Kaoru...please let me explain," you pleaded.
"What will you explain?!"
"I went to the grave of my fiancée the day of our wedding," you started. "I asked her if she would let me free this time. I think she agreed to my decision. I went to her because I wanted her to know that I am falling in love with someone- and if I will marry another girl that I don't know, I will never have the chance of...h-having that someone for myself."
You embraced me tightly and alas! I followed your simple command. I felt warmer and I wanted to stay in your arms longer.
"I didn't know that...the woman that I was going to marry that day- was also the woman I am head over heels in love with..."
It felt so right to be with you.
It felt so good to stay beside you.
It felt so nice to have you embracing me.
But it felt so wrong to live a life that is full of deceits...
I think your love for me is one of them.
I don't want to hurt myself for another time.
I am afraid to heal myself...
I released myself from your eternal embrace and wiped my tears by the hankie that you gave me. I stood up and you did too.
"Shinta..." I spoke.
"It's Kenshin. Shinta is just my pet name. I don't want other people calling me by that name," you said. You were smiling sweetly now to me as if nothing bad happened. But then, I am so sorry that I am feeling the opposite.
I reached out my hand and held the hankie in front of you. "I don't want it. I don't need it."
You seemed so shocked about what I acted but still you chuckled as you fetched the small cloth from my cold hand. You placed it inside your pocket and smiled at me again.
Suddenly, you knelt down and held my right hand. You got a box from your pouch and opened it before me. I saw a ring inside it. It was magnificent. But your act was so emotionless.
"Marry me, Kaoru." You said.
"It's not funny anymore..." I told you. "I'm tired of you- playing jokes on me. I hate it."
You became serious this time. You got the ring from the box and held it near my finger.
"It isn't a joke. This is the truth," you said. Oh, Kenshin...you don't know how happy I've become when you proposed to me...But then,
"I don't want to marry someone that I don't even love." I told you harshly. You were shocked when you heard it. But I have no choice. I don't want to be hurt again.
You have slid the ring to my finger; you stood up and held my shoulders.
"You love me, right? This is what you want..." you said as you forced yourself to smile.
"No...I don't want this. I want you to understand that I am not Tomoe. I am Kaoru- I don't want to live in a life that is full of lies. I believe that that is also what your girlfriend wanted. I don't want to be like her. I don't want to believe in you anymore," I spoke.
You stood still. I removed the ring from my finger and placed it inside your hand. "Keep it...Find someone you really love."
I turned back and started walking away from you. I looked up and saw the clear blue sky. Snow has stopped falling and everything turned white. I think this will be the last time I will go here. I need to heal by myself.
"Kaoru..." you shouted. I stopped walking as my tears fell again.
"I love you with all my heart...And if I have just known earlier that you will be my bride," you said. "I would've appeared during our wedding and marry you."
I cried harder this time. I didn't want to hear your lies anymore.
I felt you walking towards me. I wanted to run away now...but my feet were so heavy and I can't move myself. I continued crying. I faced you and looked at you.
You gave me a handkerchief.
I looked at it. There were some words embroidered on it.
Kaoru, I love you...
It's like that. I lowered my head then kept it inside my pocket.
"I will wait...I love you and this is not a lie," you told me. I cried once more. Then I turned back and finally ran away from that place.
I don't want you to see me like this. I don't want you to know that I still have feelings for you. It's just that I don't want to embarrass myself in believing your sweet but deceitful words. I have to go away from you and clear my thoughts. If I have just known that you were the one that I was going to marry...I would've waited for you...
OWaRI~~~
A/n: Please review this fic!!!
Disclaimer: I do not own RK or the song that I will write (or type) here.
Marrying Someone That I Don't Even Love
By: Killua K.
@~~~~~
We met that day; I saw you looking up at the heavens and wondering about many mysteries and problems involving the so-called 'life'. You were sitting on a long bench near a giant Sakura tree. Its leaves and petite pink flowers fell slowly, heading to the ground; waiting for the gravity to eat them. You wore this black hanten that hugged your masculine body. You were still looking at the starry heaven watching, observing everything around. Suddenly, snow fell.
I was startled when I felt the chill that they brought. I wasn't expecting snow that day. But, I guess, it made the place more romantic for your reminiscence; and for my own recollection, too.
I stood near your place and watched you. You suddenly moved and turned your head to me. I saw a scar on your cheek. I gaped just when you directly looked at me. I took my eyes off you and whistled. Well, I tried to whistle; but I wasn't able to do that. I couldn't do such thing. At the side of my eyes, I caught you holding a white ribbon. It was made of fine silk and I wondered where you got that.
I sighed heavily then found a bench where I can sit on. I walked towards it and threw myself carelessly to it.
"OUCH!" I cried painfully. My head hit a branch of a tree and I cursed myself for not being careful. I rubbed my head by my fingers and tears filled my eyes. I wiped them then tightly closed my eyes.
I am childish girl. I cry every time I get hurt. I couldn't control myself from doing that.
When I opened my eyes, I found a white-skinned hand in front of me. It was holding a handkerchief. I grabbed the hankie and wiped the tears that were left inside my eyes. I looked up and was surprised to find you, walking away from me. You had long red hair. It was in a ponytail. It swayed slowly as you departed from my place. The snow had stained your black hanten and made your red hair glow in pinkish color. I smiled when I saw the whole thing.
I looked down on the hankie that he gave me. I spread it wide and found an embroidered-name on the lower right side. It was nicely done in fine golden thread. I touched it for a second and admired it. The name was 'Tomoe'. I turned my eyes back to the place where you were. I found you nowhere.
'Is that his name? Tomoe?' I thought.
A light breeze passed me and sent me chills. The snow continued to fall and the starry heaven was clouded. I watched the Sakura tree as it shed off its flowers and leaves. Then I began reminiscing my past.
When I was still a child, I had this acquaintance. He's the son of the best friends of my parents. I really didn't have any special memory about this guy. I don't even remember his name or even his face. I don't know anything about this boy. We were seeing each other before. But he wouldn't talk to me or even say 'hi'. He's really quiet, shy and submissive. I didn't like him for that. We would smile at each other at times. But those would be the 'rarest' times- it's either I was feeling so light or happy or our parents force us to do so.
Years passed and we haven't seen each other. They migrated to US; we were left here in Tokyo. We would receive some letters from them. But as time passed by, the communication was lost. There wasn't any news from them. Anyways, I don't care whether I see him or I forget about him. Until...
My parents received an e-mail from his parents informing us that they would be arriving Japan. We were really surprised about their letter. After, almost fourteen years of no communication, they would send an e-mail. I wondered why they informed us of their arrival.
We were about to fetch them from the airport and give them an arrival party. Well, my parents did that but I didn't come with them. I was sick that day and I really had no plan of meeting that boy again.
When my mother and father came back to our house, they told me that we were going to have dinner with their friends. I was about to agree to their decision when I remembered that I could be meeting that shy boy- so I refused them. But they told me I couldn't refuse anymore. They said that I failed to go with them during their friends' arrival so I need to do a make up for that. I hadn't been able to reason out so I was forced to go with them.
We arrived at their big house. It's actually a very big mansion. We entered the well-built place and stared at awe. Then, they came to see us. Luckily, I didn't see any boy or guy, whatever. They told us that he couldn't join the dinner because he visited a grave of his loved one. I smiled inside me. Now, I will enjoy this.
The dinner started and my parents and their friends chitchatted with each other. They began telling their own stories while I listened; I was bored, really bored. Until they started talking about my love life...
"Hey, Kaoru...are you married now with someone?" the woman asked me. I was almost choked about what she asked. I quickly drank the glass of water in front of me.
I chuckled then smiled at them. "Well, my status is single."
"That's good. Well, we could still go on with our plans," she talked to my mother. I was confused.
"Plans?" I asked.
She looked at me and nodded her head. "Haven't your parents informed you of that?"
I threw daggers to my parents as I gave them an evil look.
"We haven't told her. We want her to be innocent of it," my father replied. I knitted my brows as I sighed heavily.
"Oh, so Kaoru doesn't know. Well, I think it's time for her to know that she is destined to marry someone," the woman said.
My mouth dropped open when I heard what she said. 'What the hell is she saying?'
"Huh? I don't understand. What are you talking about? What do you mean when you said that 'I am destined to live with...someone'?" I wanted to confirm. They all laughed.
"You are going to be married to her son. I thought you have guessed that," my father informed me.
I almost fainted in shock. No, I thought. I never wished to be married to their son. He's so weird, different. I don't like him.
"No...are you kidding me?" I tried to smile. How could they just arrange such a foolish marriage between two people who didn't even know each other? Besides, I couldn't even remember how he looked like. I didn't want to know.
"We are not making a joke out of this very serious and special moment of your lives. We planned this thing, my daughter and we believe that this will be the best thing for both of you," my mother seriously explained. I suddenly became quiet when I saw her eyes. Well, she's really a stern person. I didn't want to make any arguments with her. I knew that I couldn't win if she's my enemy.
I looked at my mother's friend. She was smiling at me then she began telling a story about her son.
"Shinta...oh, I pity my son so much. His fiancée died because of extreme hatred for us. She knew that Shinta is going to be married to you and she was reluctant about that. I explained everything to her but she cannot accept it. Actually, she thought that suicide was the answer to her problem.
"One day, Shinta was going to propose to her. He brought this ring and he really prepared himself for that. But when he entered his fiancée's house, his girlfriend's body was lying lifeless on the couch. He called for an ambulance. But it was too late. Now, he's blaming himself for what happened. But then, he could not blame himself because it was really my fault. I shouldn't have stopped them from marrying one another.
"Kaoru, I know that you are the only woman in this world who can make him realize that it is time to move on."
"It's too late, Okaa-san. I will never have the chance to move on. Besides, I don't want to forget her that easily."
I turned my head to find someone walking away from our place. I couldn't see how he looked like. He was wearing a black coat and his clothes were wet. Maybe, it rained outside. But I wasn't sure.
"Gomenasai, Kaoru-chan. He's being impolite to a lady like you. Please forgive him," his mother begged me. I was shocked to find this out.
"Daijobou..." I replied shortly. I realized that that man was her son- the man that I was going to marry.
We finished our dinner that night and I was more confused about the things that were taking place. I never thought that after all those years; we are going to be married to each other. Things were moving too fast. And I just can't keep on following its movement.
Snow fell onto the ground.
I continued looking up at the sky and tried harder to organize my thoughts.
After so many years, they came back into my life. Then they have announced to me that I was going to be married to Shinta. Shinta had a fiancée and she died because she has known that her fiancé was going to be married to someone else. And that someone was I. Now, I feel that I am the reason why she died. If it wasn't for me, then she should be still living up to this moment. I think the blame is on me.
Wind blew and I felt colder. The stars disappeared from the sky because of the dark clouds that covered them. I looked at the giant Sakura tree near my place and realized that it has stopped shedding its flowers and leaves.
Suddenly, when I turned back to check if I was the only one now in that place, I saw the man named 'Tomoe' beside me. He was looking at me sweetly and I realized that he was so beautiful.
I brought out the hankie that he lent to me from my pocket and gave it to him. I smiled widely as I showed it to him.
"Arigatou gozaimasu, Tomoe," I spoke.
His violet eyes widened in shock, I think. "My name is not Tomoe," he said.
My mouth dropped open. My face turned into a reddish color. Oh, right! Maybe, I was too confident about his name.
"Oh, gomen ne...I thought it is your name. I saw it on this hankie. It is embroidered here," I explained.
He got the handkerchief from my hand. His skin touched mine and I felt its warmth. I wanted his hand to stay longer on mine. But then, I couldn't wish for such a foolish thing like that.
"That name is my sister's. She lent it to me because I ran out of handkerchiefs this day," he told me as he sat beside me. "And please, keep it." He put the hankie back into my hand and held it for a while.
"I thought this is your sister's. Why are you giving it to me?" I said. I brought the piece of cloth to my nose and smelled its scent.
"She doesn't need it anyway. She has plenty of handkerchiefs. I believe that losing one won't hurt her feelings much," he answered.
I grinned slightly and reluctantly accepted his offer. I put the hankie back inside my pocket. Then, I chuckled at nothing.
"What's your name?" I first questioned him.
"Do you really have to know me?" he said. I nodded my head. I didn't erase the smile on my face.
"We are not sure if we're going to see each other again. Besides, we might easily forget one another. So why should you ask for my name?" he explained.
"Name is the most important aspect of one's personality. And I believe that if I would know your name, I'd be able to make a guess about what your personality is," I said.
He laughed heartily and I admired the way he made that smile. His lips were thin and they were placed perfectly on his face.
"I'm Kenshin. Now what is your name?" he asked me then.
I reached out my hand as I smiled. "Kaoru." We shook hands and I saw the glimmer in his eyes. I found him damn handsome.
We continued staring at each other. Suddenly, he smiled at me again. "My h- hand...Kaoru," he spoke. I looked down and saw my hand holding his tightly. I quickly removed mine from his and chuckled foolishly.
"I'm so sorry about that...I was just swept away by my emotions," I tried to reason out.
He nodded his head. Then he looked up at the sky and watched the darkness as it lifted away. The dark clouds were gone and soon the stars appeared in sight. I realized that snow was also gone. But I wished it just stayed that way. I thought it would be more romantic for both of us.
"Why are you here anyway?" he asked me then.
"I was just trying to clear my thoughts," I answered him.
"What do you mean?"
I sighed heavily. The great Sakura tree began shedding its flowers and leaves again. A breeze passed us so some of the falling flowers went to our direction. I smiled when a flower fell on my hand. I closed my fist and rubbed my fingers on it. It was so smooth.
"I'm troubled and I have to think very well on how to get out of my complicated situation."
I glanced at him and saw him staring at the starry sky. His scar twitched a bit and I wondered if that was because of extreme coldness. His long red ponytail kept on swaying away from his back. It glimmered in the dark and it reflected the light that the stars were giving off.
"What might that situation be if you won't mind my harsh asking?" he inquired.
"I am about to be married to someone that I don't even know. My parents and his parents arranged our marriage without informing us. I don't even know that boy. I don't like him in the first place. Why would I pretend to him that I love him?" I raised my voice. Oh, great! I was getting angry again. I tried to be more careful of my actions and the words that I'll choose.
He laughed when he heard what I said. There was really nothing funny about that. I don't see why it sounded hilarious to him.
"What's so funny about that? Is that ridiculous to you?" I asked him harshly.
He shook his head then tried to stop himself from laughing. I was getting annoyed at him that time. But truly, I can't hate him for that. I admired him more- how he laughed and how he made serious things lighter for me.
"It's strange but...I think we are suffering under the same situation," he said.
"Huh?"
"I mean, I am also going to be married to someone that I don't know. And I think that's also the reason why I came here- to clear out my thoughts and think for the best solution to get out of my problems," he explained thoroughly.
I was shocked at what he told me. I didn't know that we were both experiencing the same problem. I began laughing. Now, I understood why he laughed when I told him what my problem was.
"What a coincidence!" I cried as I foolishly laughed.
I was smiling and laughing the whole time, realizing that I wasn't the only one having that situation. Until...
You knelt down in front of me and fetched my hand into yours. You looked into my eyes and saw nothing but anxiety. You held my cheek for a long time and surprisingly, I broke down.
You were startled at what I acted. And I felt so dumb that time. I didn't want to be married to anyone. I didn't want to be married to someone that I don't even love. Now, I was just crying hysterically, childishly and stupidly in front of a gentleman like you. I wanted to throw myself to your chest and cry out all the pain inside me.
I was afraid to be married to someone. I was afraid that I won't be happy in that kind of life. I was very afraid that nothing can stop that marriage.
You wiped my tears by your thumbs and smiled sweetly. Oh, how I wish the time would just stop and we would be here forever. You were such a kind man and I believe that I am starting to have special feelings for you.
"Am I stupid?" I asked you. You shook your head.
"Then I'm an idiot?"
You shook your head again.
"I'm foolish?"
You shook your head.
"What am I?!" I yelled.
You got something out of your pocket. It was a small box. You opened it in front of me and held my hand.
"Marry me, Kaoru."
I gaped widely.
You got the ring inside the box and tried to put in on my finger. I was so amazed by its beauty and its brilliance. I thought I was the happiest person in the whole wide world.
"I c-can't..." I suddenly said. I pulled my hand from yours and lowered my head sadly.
'Why would I marry him? I don't even know him. Besides, we have just met. He's not even my fiancé. I am not sure where he got that ring. But I know that that wasn't really for me. Maybe his fiancée refused him so he's here, trying to find someone that might replace his girlfriend's place in his heart. And I wouldn't be that woman.' I wiped the tears that dried in my eyes then looked at him angrily.
"Doushite?" he asked me.
"I know you're a nice guy, Kenshin...But I think you are not for me. And I am not for you. We have just met. How could you possibly know what my attitude is? You personally do not know me. And besides, if your girlfriend refused to marry you, then don't ask anyone else to replace her in your heart..."
"I was just joking."
I was stopped by your words. Now I'm more confused. You asked me to marry you and then you'll tell me that it's just one of your antics? I don't understand it...
"Nani?"
He laughed again. He stood up from his place and sat beside me again. He looked up at the stars and smiled.
I couldn't believe it was just a joke for you...I mean I almost believed you. Well, I really believed you. It was good that I refused you.
"You're right," you said. "I can't just replace my girlfriend inside my heart just because she refused to marry me. And we have just met, as you said. Why would I fall in love with a stranger?"
I was hurt by your words though I tried hard to understand them. But I just wished you have been more careful. And I was also hurt when you said that you have a girlfriend. I was pretty sad about that.
"Yeah...you can't just- f-fall in love...with a stranger." I repeated his words.
"Actually, my girlfriend didn't refuse me. She left me the day that I was about to propose to her. I am not sure where she went. But I hope she has a peace of mind."
I nodded my head.
"Well, at least you can still try to find her. You are still lucky. But not like me...I'm going to be married to a guy that I don't like. I wouldn't be happy," I said.
You finally stared at me. "But at least, you might try to love him."
I reacted at your reason. "You don't understand. It's just that I don't want my parents to control my life."
"Well, you also don't understand what I am feeling right now. My girlfriend left me. Do you exactly know what pain I am experiencing right now? Or are you just trying to understand?" you spoke. Your voice rose a bit and I felt so ashamed of myself. You were absolutely right about that. Yes, I don't understand what you feel. But you also don't understand what I feel.
"You haven't been in love. And I believe that you wouldn't understand it unless you have experienced it by yourself." You were serious that time and I could see your violet eyes turning into a tawny color. I just lowered my head.
"Maybe I can't understand what you feel right now. Maybe I don't really know what love is. Maybe I don't really know how to love," I spoke. "But I am sure of one thing...no one should ever be in control of your feelings- because it hurts inside."
I stood up from my place then got the hankie out of my pocket. I threw it to you and gave you an angry look. "I do not need hankies to soften my heart for a person like you," I said. I turned back, when I realized that my words were a bit wrong, I faced you again and sighed. "Well, my heart w- won't soften...for you."
I walked away from you. But then, I thought getting that hankie again would be practical. I ran back to you then grabbed the hankie from you and slid it inside my pocket.
Suddenly, snow fell once more and the Sakura tree stopped shedding its leaves and flowers. I cried again. No one understands what I feel, I thought. I hugged myself in the darkness and tried to find my way out of that place. I've never felt so alone before.
Days passed and the time ran swiftly. I didn't care. I didn't want to think much about that stupid marriage. Until now, I can't believe that my parents are still in control of my life. They are still making and choosing the 'right' decisions for me. I didn't expect that they'd still treat me as their baby. But then, I understand them. I was their only child and it was just natural for them to decide what kind of life I should have.
Oh well, I am back here in this place. I'm sitting on this bench again and looking up at the heaven. I wasn't really expecting someone to accompany me here- Until, my dear acquaintance came and sat beside me.
"Gomenasai..." you spoke as you broke the silence that enveloped us for about ten minutes. I turned to you and grinned slightly.
"Doushite?" I asked. I removed my mittens and put them inside the pocket of my sweater. My hands were cold red and they felt numb. I sighed heavily and my breath turned into frost. It was winter now. And everyday, the temperature was getting lower.
"For hurting you the first time we met? I believe I've misunderstood you that time," you explained as you smiled sweetly. Your red hair was still in that ponytail hairstyle. It shone under the moonlight. It was so lustrous and I wondered how you kept it in that healthy state. Before, I thought that men having long hair are so weird and deviant; but, Kenshin, made me realize that I shouldn't judge a person by how they looked.
"Daijobou..." I replied. "I was just confused that time and I am really a childish girl, that's why nobody likes me or whatever." Snow started to fall and I felt colder. I got the mittens from my pocket and put them on again. I hugged myself tightly as I shivered in coldness.
I began laughing so hard. "Oh..." I spoke as my breath came out as frost. "I don't know why I came back here...it's just my favorite place. I always come here to think and reminisce...I never thought that I'd earn a friend just by coming here."
You chuckled happily. Your eyes were still in that violet haze color. I love the way you looked at me. "I'm lucky to be your friend." You said. You didn't know that I blushed tremendously at your words. I lowered my head and hugged myself more tightly. Snow fell continuously but it wasn't so hard. The temperature just got colder. "By the way...why did you come back here?"
I looked at you and sighed heavily. "I was just preparing myself for the- wedding."
"Preparing?" your voice raised. "Why would you prepare yourself?"
I smiled. "Because I am not ready to marry a man that I don't like."
"When you marry a person, you do not like him. You love him," you reasoned out. I just lifted my eyebrows and pretended that I wasn't getting annoyed at him.
"All right..." I just said. "You know what?" I spoke.
"Nani?"
"I am falling in love with someone right now. And I believe he has my heart. But then, he doesn't even love me. How would he know that I have feelings for him?" I became frank about that. I wish you would have a clue that I like you. But I think...
"Tell him."
"Tell him?"
"Hai."
"What if...he doesn't love me? He might reject my feelings for him..."
"I don't think so...Why would he reject a lady like you?" you spoke. I lowered my head and blushed again. You continued speaking and I just turned into a tomato. I thought that I should confess my feelings for you this time. Maybe, you'd understand that I shouldn't marry another man. I rubbed my cold hands and prepared myself for my confession.
"Well...y-you see, I am," I started speaking. "...f-falling in love with you, Kenshin..."
"Hm?" you said. I lifted my head and saw you standing beside the great Sakura tree. You were smiling sweetly. The snow fell on us and cold breezes passed us. "Why did you call me?" you asked. I was disappointed. I lowered my head again and tried to stop myself from crying. I closed my eyes tightly and breathed harder. I thought you heard what I said. I looked up at you and plastered a fake smile on my face. I stood up from my place and went closer to you. I tried to hold your right cheek. I lifted my hand and touched it; felt its very cold temperature. You lost the sparkle in your eyes and even the sweet smile you usually make. You held my hand and touched it. Your skin was smooth and I loved the way you answered me. I saw your scar; I removed my hand from yours and carefully touched your scar. You suddenly held my hand again and drove my hand away from your scar.
"I'm sorry..." I whispered.
"It's all right." You replied.
Why am I feeling this way for you, Kenshin? We met; and I have known you for a short time. And yet, I am falling in love with you...
"I love you..." I said for the last time. I hope you heard it. I looked deeply into your eyes and found your loneliness lingering somewhere there.
You smiled sweetly again and I chuckled. I was sure that you heard my words.
"What?" you asked me.
I was shocked to hear you asking me that question. "I s-said..." I started. "I said...I'll try to fall in love with my bride-groom."
I turned away from you and put my hands inside my pockets. I touched a hankie inside it. It was the handkerchief you gave me. I held it for a long time then walked away from you. Tears fell from my eyes even though the temperature was so cold.
"Kaoru..." you called my name. I stopped walking away from you and stood there to hear your last words.
"Best wishes." You spoke.
I ran away from you and burst crying. I cried hard.
I didn't want to marry anyone. My heart is just for you.
Time went by. I haven't even noticed it. Now is my marriage. I still haven't met my bride-groom. My parents insisted that they wanted it to be a surprise. But I don't like surprises really.
I faced the mirror and found myself so un-pretty. I wasn't even smiling. Actually, I cried last night and now my eyes are bulging.
We soon left our house and headed the church. I arrived there.
I began walking down the aisle. I was frowning actually. My parents were gesturing to me to smile. But I can't force myself to do that.
The altar was in front of me and I admired everything around me. When I reached it, I found no one beside me. I knitted my eyebrows and realized that the bride-groom wasn't there.
I suddenly laughed. My parents walked towards me and whispered, "Are you crazy? Why are you laughing by yourself?"
"Is it bad to laugh?" I asked them. They just got annoyed at me. I don't care. It was good that the bride-groom is not still here. At least, the wedding will not materialize. I really want to thank him for that. The priest in front of me asked me where the groom has been. I just told him that I didn't know.
"Why are you smiling?" he asked me.
"Oh, Father...I am so happy that this wedding won't happen," I replied.
"Why?"
"I don't love my groom. My parents and his parents arranged this stupid wedding for us. I don't even know him," I explained. The priest nodded his head and chuckled too. He understood me. I was sure about that.
We waited inside the church for a very long time. I just sat there and whistled in happiness.
"Shinta told me that he'll just visit his girlfriend's grave. I didn't know what took him so long. I am so sorry that he failed to come here," his mother explained.
"It's all right, ma'am. I understand him," I said.
I removed my veil then walked out of the church. I rode inside a taxi and went home.
When I got home, I instantly got a pen and paper. I laughed loudly then started writing on it.
It goes like this:
Dear Shinta,
I know that we haven't met each other and that our marriage is not right. It's unfair for both of us. I really want to thank you for not attending this wedding. I am so happy about it. At last, I've realized that my parents are much in control of my life now. That's all.
P.S. Can we remain as friends? I hope. By the way, I want to meet you at the park near the great Sakura tree. I believe you know that. I'll see you there.
Kaoru
I folded the paper and put it inside an envelope. I changed my clothes and went outside. I decided to mail it.
I came at the park and waited there. I sat on the bench near the Sakura tree and thought about what happened on my wedding. I was really happy that Shinta didn't come. I know that he didn't want to be married to someone, too.
Suddenly, someone touched my back. I turned around and saw Kenshin smiling at me. I thought he was Shinta.
"Why are you here again?" I asked him.
"Oh, nothing...Well, why are you here?" he asked me too.
"I will be meeting my groom," I said.
"By the way, congratulations," he said.
I laughed loudly. "Our wedding didn't happen. He didn't come."
He smiled.
I looked at the clear blue sky and admired its beauty.
"I want to tell you something," he spoke.
I looked at him and still smiled. "What is it?"
You held my hand and touched it. "I'm sorry I lied." He said. "I am Shinta..."
I was confused at what he said. I tried to remove my hand from him and knitted my eyebrows. "What are you saying?" I tried to understand him.
You gave my hand a light squeeze and held my cheek. "I couldn't believe I have lied to you..." you said. I frowned. I was more confused at what you said.
"Kenshin..." I spoke. "W-what- do you mean...'you've lied'?"
You removed your hand from mine and pulled out something from your pocket. It was a white envelope- nothing unusual. What really alarmed me was when you opened the envelope and unfolded the letter you got from it. You opened my closed hand and placed the letter on it.
"I received this early this morning..." you started explaining. "I knew that my bride wrote it to thank me. But I was really astonished when I saw your name written at the lower left corner. I tried to make myself believe that it was just another person that has your name."
I started crying.
"But when...I came here," you continued. "I saw you...I thought it was just another coincidence- until I learned from you that you were waiting for your bride-groom and that your wedding didn't happen."
I cried harder. How could you lie to me? How could you hide the truth from me?
You held my cheeks and wiped my tears by your thumbs. I refused your fingers and turned my head away from you. I didn't want to see you. I didn't want to hear all of your lies.
"I wish...you just haven't told me the whole truth..." I told you. My tears were falling down on my cheeks and down to my hands. "I thought you were so innocent about this..."
You just smiled at me but I knew that you were sad about something. Your eyes were speaking too much of your solitude. And I guess it is not just because of your lies to me...
"You are really like my girlfriend..." you said.
I looked at you- my vision was a mere blur. The tears were inside my eyes and they have stopped falling.
"Actually, I have lied to you about that, too," you continued. Your voice was a little bit shaky. I believe that you were about to cry that time but you were holding them in your eyes. "Tomoe...is the name of my girlfriend. And the handkerchief that I gave you was her hankie."
"Why did you give it to me?" I asked you in a pleading tone.
"She couldn't use it anymore...she's dead. I think you know that."
Oh, I clearly remember that...I held the hankie that you gave me and squeezed it. I wanted to tear it into pieces and throw them to your face. I wanted to mock you. I wanted to kill you. I wanted to shout at you...
I wanted to tell you how much I hated you for keeping all these from me, for making me believe that the person that I was going to marry was a person that I don't love...
I want to tell you that I have wished before. I have made a wish about YOU- being my bride-groom and not Shinta. And it's because I am in love with you.
You have made me learn how to love someone...yet you have made me feel the pain it brings- to love someone that doesn't even know how to love me.
"Maybe...your name isn't really Kenshin...Maybe you have made up that too," I began shouting lightly at you. "Maybe your girlfriend is not really dead! Maybe my wedding to you is not really true! Maybe Tomoe isn't your girlfriend! Maybe you don't know how to love! Maybe..." I breathed in harder and cried more. I stood up and looked down on you angrily.
"MAYBE I AM NOT REALLY STUPID TO FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE LIKE YOU!!! MAYBE I DO NOT REALLY LOVE YOU! MAYBE THIS ISN'T TRUE! MAYBE I AM JUST DREAMING! MAYBE I DON'T KNOW YOU!!!!!!" I've wasted my voice just because I needed to shout at you and make you feel what I am feeling right now.
You stood up, too and tried to embrace me. I refused you and finally broke down crying.
"I thought you w-were...my friend, Kenshin..." I said as I calmed down a little bit. "How dare you..."
You went closer to me then held me tightly.
"I didn't know that you were my bride...I thought you were somebody else..." you tried to explain.
"But why did you lie to me when we first met?" I asked you.
"It's because I don't want anyone to know something about me...Besides, I don't want to remember what happened to Tomoe...It hurts me so much. Do you understand, Kaoru?"
I looked up at you and found your sad eyes staring at me. "Don't ever call me by name again...And...we are not friends anymore..."
You suddenly loosened your hold. Snow began falling down from the sky- just like the first time we met. Before, I felt alone when I am here...but now, I feel more alone.
"I don't know you..." I said.
"Kaoru...please let me explain," you pleaded.
"What will you explain?!"
"I went to the grave of my fiancée the day of our wedding," you started. "I asked her if she would let me free this time. I think she agreed to my decision. I went to her because I wanted her to know that I am falling in love with someone- and if I will marry another girl that I don't know, I will never have the chance of...h-having that someone for myself."
You embraced me tightly and alas! I followed your simple command. I felt warmer and I wanted to stay in your arms longer.
"I didn't know that...the woman that I was going to marry that day- was also the woman I am head over heels in love with..."
It felt so right to be with you.
It felt so good to stay beside you.
It felt so nice to have you embracing me.
But it felt so wrong to live a life that is full of deceits...
I think your love for me is one of them.
I don't want to hurt myself for another time.
I am afraid to heal myself...
I released myself from your eternal embrace and wiped my tears by the hankie that you gave me. I stood up and you did too.
"Shinta..." I spoke.
"It's Kenshin. Shinta is just my pet name. I don't want other people calling me by that name," you said. You were smiling sweetly now to me as if nothing bad happened. But then, I am so sorry that I am feeling the opposite.
I reached out my hand and held the hankie in front of you. "I don't want it. I don't need it."
You seemed so shocked about what I acted but still you chuckled as you fetched the small cloth from my cold hand. You placed it inside your pocket and smiled at me again.
Suddenly, you knelt down and held my right hand. You got a box from your pouch and opened it before me. I saw a ring inside it. It was magnificent. But your act was so emotionless.
"Marry me, Kaoru." You said.
"It's not funny anymore..." I told you. "I'm tired of you- playing jokes on me. I hate it."
You became serious this time. You got the ring from the box and held it near my finger.
"It isn't a joke. This is the truth," you said. Oh, Kenshin...you don't know how happy I've become when you proposed to me...But then,
"I don't want to marry someone that I don't even love." I told you harshly. You were shocked when you heard it. But I have no choice. I don't want to be hurt again.
You have slid the ring to my finger; you stood up and held my shoulders.
"You love me, right? This is what you want..." you said as you forced yourself to smile.
"No...I don't want this. I want you to understand that I am not Tomoe. I am Kaoru- I don't want to live in a life that is full of lies. I believe that that is also what your girlfriend wanted. I don't want to be like her. I don't want to believe in you anymore," I spoke.
You stood still. I removed the ring from my finger and placed it inside your hand. "Keep it...Find someone you really love."
I turned back and started walking away from you. I looked up and saw the clear blue sky. Snow has stopped falling and everything turned white. I think this will be the last time I will go here. I need to heal by myself.
"Kaoru..." you shouted. I stopped walking as my tears fell again.
"I love you with all my heart...And if I have just known earlier that you will be my bride," you said. "I would've appeared during our wedding and marry you."
I cried harder this time. I didn't want to hear your lies anymore.
I felt you walking towards me. I wanted to run away now...but my feet were so heavy and I can't move myself. I continued crying. I faced you and looked at you.
You gave me a handkerchief.
I looked at it. There were some words embroidered on it.
Kaoru, I love you...
It's like that. I lowered my head then kept it inside my pocket.
"I will wait...I love you and this is not a lie," you told me. I cried once more. Then I turned back and finally ran away from that place.
I don't want you to see me like this. I don't want you to know that I still have feelings for you. It's just that I don't want to embarrass myself in believing your sweet but deceitful words. I have to go away from you and clear my thoughts. If I have just known that you were the one that I was going to marry...I would've waited for you...
OWaRI~~~
A/n: Please review this fic!!!