Imperfections
It's Never as it Should Be
Make Me into Who I Am... or Break Me into the Monster I Can Become...
A/N: This was originally the first chapter to Blindsided to a Dark Desire. However, I have decided that this would be better suited as a stand-alone and chose to place this as a one-shot/prologue to my multi-chapter fic. This merely delves into the thoughts of Leonardo which precedes the chaos that is about to ensue later on in my other story. Also, you should know that the fic this came from has Leonardo and Donatello with supernatural gifts and T-Cest as well. This fic doesn't have any T-Cest involved, so have fun and enjoy.
They say good things come to those that wait.
They also say that when life gives you lemons, you've just gotta suck it up, and make lemonade.
Honestly, neither of these sayings really pertain to me anymore. Besides, I doubt that the author had a giant teenage mutant ninja turtle in mind when they'd written these words down.
At one time that notion had been fine. It had not mattered that there was a world revolving around me that had no inkling of my existence; that would never dare accept me even if they had known. Because as long as I had my brothers then my life was as perfect as I could have ever wished it to be; no matter how bad it became at times.
Even if there was no food on the table, and clean water had grown scarce, or the heat had dissipated from our home; leaving me and my brothers shivering little toddlers huddling on the concrete floor.
It didn't matter because life had been good. We had each-other, and that in itself made it an adventure of a lifetime.
It's funny though. How, in a single moment, life can take a turn for the worst.
Promises that really aren't promises...
Friends that become enemies...
Brothers who've changed... evolved into something more complex and diverse than what one turtle can handle.
It's all sad really. I shouldn't even be allowed to pity myself. There's no real basis for it, yet I still find myself struggling to actually succeed and handle this development with the prowess and expertise I am known for. I'm utterly at a lost on what it is that I must do, and that confuses the hell out of me.
Despite the fact that all four of us are still together, we are no longer as we were. Attitudes have changed, and characteristics have evolved; all leading to a change that I could sense, yet was unable to accurately pin-point.
Everyone was on edge, snapping at each other and scuttling off in avoidance. The self-proclaimed conclusion, of how I wasn't handling the situation correctly or effectively at all, was beginning to grate on my nerves.
I, who is seen as unstoppable...
Viewed as unbreakable...
Fearless in all that I face and overcome...
The turtle with a plan...
The Leader with all the answers...
Yet time, and time again, I am faced with cold, harsh reality. I am not unbeatable, nor am I immortal or indestructible. I am flesh and blood, sweat and tears, mind and body. I feel pain and sorrow, guilt and anger, remorse and pleasure. Same as any other. And it is in times such as this that these, imperfections, become glaringly obvious.
Imperfections a Leader should never carry. Flawed qualities that an authoritative figure should always avoid. Yet here I am, a most imperfect creature... brother... student... mentor...
If only I had all the answers to right the wrong. If I could unearth the reasoning behind such subdued changes, then perhaps I could better help to resolve the issue at hand. I hate to see them struggle through this, whatever it is, with no real guidance. This subtle change has affected all three of them. Raphael having shown a change more dramatic than the others. Unsurprisingly, the brunt of his anger and confusion has been directed on the one person he enjoys prodding the most - myself.
He'd begun to increasingly lash out at me with renewed vigor, growling at me under his snarky remarks, and snarling in retaliation to anything I utter in his general direction.
Fights spewed forth from the minimal interactions we managed to have. The pent up anger that radiated off of him in waves was enough to make me bristle and send me off in the opposite direction. Unfortunately, I couldn't avoid him for long, and things would get dicey from there on out. I could do nothing else but take the brunt of all that he swung at me, hoping that once he released all of this inner turmoil, then we could finally move forward; mending the rift rising between us.
Nothing. In fact it only seemed to become worse. He would either despise me for trying to talk with him, or mock me for giving him space in order to prevent an unintentional provocation. We have grown farther apart, and in my desperate attempt to shield myself from
the unintentional verbal abuse he unleashes, I have come to create a sort of barrier with him; a filter that only allows for a certain degree of functional interaction.
It's downright frustrating and suffocatingly stressful. In times such as this, I've come to find that my status as a brother, friend, and confidant slowly dissipates.
I once would have been free to enjoy my time with the other either by relaxing during a vigorous spar against Raph, helping Don test out the latest security, or beating Mikey's latest high-score. Instead I find myself building up defenses and creating a blockade for when their attitudes end up turning sour; the times they see me as a target rather than a victim.
So, I've done the only thing I could do. I've closed myself off, burying myself deep within, doming myself to drown in a bleak world of muddled gray. This is the only way I may be able to remain functional without being swept up in the madness currently stirring within the Lair.
Time has seemingly flown by as thought after thought push their way into my mind and I soon find myself creeping up on the edge of the city. I pause and contemplate my next move. There's nothing ahead of me, and there's nothing but open sky above me. I could turn back and run the same exact route I've run time and time again during the eighteen years of my life. Yet, I have no desire to turn back now. Not with everything that has been going down. So that leaves only one option...
You know what they say. What can't go up, must go... down.
The air around me frantically claws at my falling form in a desperate attempt to help my body defy gravity in order to keep me from ending up as a heap of broken carapace on the concrete. I relish it for a moment; adrenaline pumping through my veins at the prospect of death... the rush... the excitement... It all overtakes me and it's wonderful.
Years of ingrained survival instincts kick in though, and I can't help the reflexes that come into play. At the last possible second, I whip out a small throwing knife from my belt and reflexively lash out. My left arm hums with the shock of vibrations coursing through my bones as the blade embeds itself deeply into the brick of the apartment complex. With barely a grunt, I push against the building with the length of my forearm as well as the ball of my foot; successfully propelling myself to the next building adjacent from me.
Sensing a sudden surge of energy rising within me, I pause to evaluate the newly familiar feeling. It originates from the negativity I have endured, the stress that has become my life, and the worry gnawing deep within my mind and soul. Past insecurities, and present tribulations swirl within my core to create a great void that dangerously leeches off of my Chi. I take a deep breath, before slipping into a light state of meditation. Reverting my focus internally, I proceed to uncap my Ido, before falling into a world all my own; a world where the environment is streamed with a whole new different form of coding for life itself.
Solid matter is replaced by a stream of glowing blue light and a sheen of stark green backgrounds. Strobes of light fly about the atmosphere in representation of electrical currents and shifting shadows; all of it flitting in a dance unbeknownst to anyone but myself. My own skin has dissolved into a thousand dark blue cubes, each of them a delicate representation of the building blocks of my own being. And it all happens in a blink of an eye.
Every time I slip into this world it's exhilarating. The rush of adrenaline that comes with the familiarity and comfort of such a perspective helps to relieve the coil of tension building at the base of my neck. Shrugging my shoulders and rolling my neck in preparation, I chuckle softly to myself in dry mirth.
This is how it is supposed to be. Free from the responsibilities and constraints of leadership and expected perfection. To unwind without a shadowing presence of blazing red negativity and an insistent prodding jabber. I may love my brothers with every fiber of my being, but even I have my limits. And this... this is the only way for me to keep myself from falling apart. For what good am I if I can't keep my own self in a state of sanity?
Shaking my head from the thoughts creeping up on me, I break into an easy sprint. Heart thudding, blood pumping, an even measured intake and exhale of breath. I bunch my muscles in anticipation. The gap between the two building complexes grow closer and I eagerly lengthen my strides in preparation of making the jump. With a burst of speed, I bend my knees slightly, before my calf muscles bunch up in order to leap off the concrete surface. Throwing my upper body forward, I extend both arms outward, before securely closing my fingers over the ledge of the rooftop.
With a small grunt, I swing my feet up over my head in a tight arch, before using the growing momentum to push my body away from the building, and successfully catapulting through the air with a graceful flourish.
Breathe in...
I land with a loud thud on both feet, and the concrete cracks slightly at the force that has been used.
Breathe out...
Veering to the left, I take another leap up off the roof and silently land on a lone fire escape. I continue this synchronization of leaping and swinging, cartwheels and mid-air somersaults, back flips and front pikes. My muscles ache and my lungs burn but I continue to push myself. I launch myself toward a low hanging pipe, the tails of my bandanna whip about my face as I do so.
Suspended a couple hundred feet in the air, I put my upper body strength to good use, and improvisingly use the pipe in place of a monkey-bar. Once I've reached the end of the length I pipe I easily swing my legs forward and land in a crouch on an adjacent rooftop. In the next second I find myself racing across the east end of town.
A pain suddenly sears through my chest and I wince from the reminder it brought; merely another problem I had to deal with. These pains had been plaguing me with increased frequency and I had no clue as to why. I had been hoping to avoid needing Dons expertise, but from the heightening severity of the pain, I knew that sooner or later I would have to drag my shell into the lab. No matter the ferocity of my dislike for anything medical, latex, or otherwise, I sensed that I had to take care of this problem. And soon.
If only I had known that this would be the least of my worries.
If I'd just an inkling for what it was that would be in store for me later on.
An offer given to me that'd be so life altering.
Answers provided that just created more questions and confusion. Solutions that proved to be more destructive than intended. Lies. Secrets. Life, and love.
If only I could have prepared myself before being profoundly blindsided.