Title: If He Ever Comes Back
WordCount: ~ 850
Summary: Ianto's POV as he comes to terms with Jacks disappearance. Inspired by the song 'If You Ever Come Back' by The Script. R&R please
Everything is just how he left it. I still go into his office every day, there's nothing to clean up, because he's not there but I still go; glutton for punishment that I am. I still haven't slept, not since he left.
I watch the footage over and over again, no hesitation, no regrets, just Jack running away from us, from me. They all know about Jack and I, the kiss sort of gave that one away. I still don't know if it was worth it. Toshiko already knew, I told her, I trust her. Gwen and Owen though had no idea, I don't know whether I should laugh or cry when I think about that. Is it funny that we managed to keep it a secret? Or is it depressing to think they still don't see me?
I should say didn't see me. All eyes on me now, like I know where he's gone. I cover my face, but I just can't hide the pain. I don't think any of them realise what's going on inside my head. It's like I can't quite come to terms with all this. I still order five meals at lunch. I still make two coffee's in the evening after the others have left only to find his office empty and it all comes flooding back.
The truth is I'm a liar, when I tell them all I'm okay. I never realised how many times we'd spent the night together. My flat feels empty without him around. I won't admit it but I'm going out of my mind. It's not like I thought we had anything special, but that's a lie too.
The worst part is I know he's out there. Some place, some time, with the Doctor. Knowing that he made his choice and he didn't pick me. It's so selfish, I know that, but I just wish that I meant as much to him as he means to me. In my head I try to persuade him to come back, as if he could actually hear me, as if he cared what I had to say.
At the very least I wish he was here, just to tell me he's not interested. At least he'd be here. Even if he said he wanted nothing to do with me, I'd be happy just with him around. It makes me sound so desperate and maybe that's because I am. Of course wishing is a waste of time, and it's not like he's thinking about me. He's off with his doctor, why should he spare me, of all people, a thought?
Some nights, I leave the door on the latch, just in case, but I stopped that. I was always heart broken the next morning. If he ever comes back, I'll be waiting. As much as I hate myself for that, I will always be waiting for him. If he comes back, I want to say I'll be here with a smile on my face, ready with a cup of coffee. I want to say, that I could pretend that he was never gone but I can't.
The others say I'm wasting my time, checking over rift energy and reading up on the Doctor. Unlike me they've come to terms with the knowledge that he's never coming back. People used think that the world was flat, they were wrong. I know that's a terrible, strenuous argument but I need to cling to something.
I haven't even bothered to put myself back together after he left. I'm still raw and open, and I know that I'm just asking for people to queue up and take everything from me. There's not much left though, damn my bloody minded loyalty. I gave myself to Lisa, I gave her everything, she took it all and then she died. Instead of cooling off and getting myself together, what do I do? I turned to Jack.
Well now he's gone, he's taken everything from me again. So what do I care if everyone takes the last few pieces, like hungry vultures. I know he's out there somewhere, but it doesn't matter; he's not coming back. I wish I could just accept that.
If he ever comes back, I wish we could pretend that it didn't happen. That he was never gone, that everything is fine, but that just can't happen.
I love him.
Despite everything, I love him and I miss him. I've said it now. I feel like a shell, and looking at his empty office seems to be the perfect metaphor for the emptiness inside me. I can't just forget how I feel right now. I can't forget how much this hurts. I'm not worried though, it's not like I'll ever have to face him.
It's not like I'll ever get to see him again. It's not like I'll ever get hear him laugh, or see him smile. It's not like I'll ever get to savour the moments when he made me feel like the centre of the universe again.
He's never coming back
and I swear, I'm fine with that.