Title: The Letter
Pairing: Bosco/ Faith
Summary: Bosco writes a letter to Faith telling her what he can't say to her face. Yup, I'm sure it's been done a million times before.
A/N: This was inspired by the song 'Amneris' Letter', but also by the video of this song by Bree. (There's a link to it at thirdwatch dot net.) I wrote it a while ago and I don't know why I didn't post it. I guess I thought there wasn't much substance to it. Still, I've been trawling through my graveyard of abandoned fics, so when I found this I thought I'd post it. Let me know what you think, too sappy? I removed the lyrics as per instructions and I think it stands well alone. If you want to read it with the lyrics it can be found at thirdwatch dot net or boscorelli-yokas dot com
Faith picked up the envelope that had been pushed under her door. The paper was cold and crisp. She turned it over. The envelope bore only her name: Faith. She recognised the spidery, almost illegible handwriting. Her gut twisted suddenly in fear. Why would Bosco write her a note? Something had to be wrong. Hurriedly she tore the envelope open and unfolded the single sheet of thin paper.
I stare at the blank paper in front of me. I have to do this. I can't leave with so much unsaid, but there's no way I can tell her to her face. Gathering my thoughts I approach the paper warily, putting the first marks on it with my pen.
Faith,
I'm writing this letter to you because there's some things I need to get off my chest. You were always the only person I could talk to, but now I can't even talk to you face to face. I need to thank you for putting up with me for all these years. At times I've been an insensitive jerk and I know I've hurt you. I'm sorry for the tactless things I've said over the years and for the times when you needed me and I wasn't there for you.
Faith broke off from reading the letter with a stifled gasp. How could he possibly think he needed to apologise? They'd had their ups and downs over the years, but she'd hurt him just as much as he'd hurt her. It had never been a case of 'putting up with him', she'd trusted him to have her back as he'd trusted her. She'd wanted nothing more to do with him after the whole Cruz fiasco, but they'd got through that and after the sacrifice he had made for her on that fateful day at Mercy she would never be able to make it up to him. Tears filled her eyes as she remembered the sight of him, mangled and bloody, with a non-existent pulse and his chest motionless. A tear dripped onto the page and she continued to read.
I've made a mess of my life, Faith. I couldn't protect my mother or Mikey and now he's dead because of me. He's dead, ultimately because I got caught in Cruz's web. I will never be able to forgive myself for Mikey; for not protecting him as a child, for letting him become a junkie and for causing his death. But more than that I will never be able to forgive myself for risking your life so selfishly. I should never have let you get involved in Cruz's dealings. I should have found a way to deal with it on my own. You were wrong to give me another chance; I'm still a screw-up and I always will be.
She closed her eyes in horror. He was still blaming himself for Mikey's death. She thought he'd been dealing with it. He'd said he was seeing a therapist who was helping him, he was coping. She'd thought they'd put the shooting in Noble's hotel room behind them, but obviously it was still gnawing at his mind.
I can't go on living this life any more, Faith. Everything's so complicated. It used to be that the only thing in my life that wasn't screwed-up was my job. I was good at it; I thought I made a difference, but now things have changed. I don't think I can carry on doing this job. Now that I've experienced such for myself, I can't carry on seeing all the things we see everyday. I'd become desensitized; I hardly saw the dead bodies, they didn't affect me. You saw me, Faith. Not only did I not recognise my own brother, it didn't even matter to me. He was just another skel, some good-for-nothing lowlife, nothing more than the garbage he was hidden by. I can't carry on like this, Faith. It would destroy me, if it hasn't already. I used to want to change the world, or at least my little part of it. Now all I want is for the world to leave me alone. Except you, Faith, and that's why I'm writing this letter.
I wish I could say this to your face, but I don't have the right to do that. I don't expect anything from you but there's been something I've been hiding from you for a long time. I've tried to tell you it so many times since the divorce, but I could never bring myself to. You've moved on, you don't need to be stuck with a useless jerk like me.
I can't help myself though; I need you to know how much you mean to me. It's selfish but I have to get this off my chest. I love you, Faith. I've always loved you. I've always protected you with my life, because without you I have no life. When I got trapped in Cruz's net I couldn't help but turn to you. Of all the mistakes I've made, that is one of those that I am most ashamed of. I tried to stay away from you; I thought that way I wouldn't be able to hurt you, but you insisted on riding together again. When it came down to it, the only thing that mattered to me was your safety. I hope I've managed to repay some of the many things you've done for me over the years. You won't see me again, so I won't be able to hurt you. Now I can finally tell you the truth; I love you.
Bos.
She stared at the paper, unable to believe what it said. She ran it through her head, trying to come up with an explanation. Nothing made sense anymore. Her partner had just declared his undying love for her. More than that, he'd spilled out his heart, his deepest darkest beliefs and revealed to her that he though he was a worthless loser. She'd just discovered that the man who she'd thought of as her best friend, who she thought she understood, was in fact completely alien to her. Something was troubling her, ticking over at the back of her mind. Her eyes flew to the last line of the letter, "You won't see me again." She'd hardly noticed it as she'd struggled to assimilate the new information, but now it struck her. What did he mean? He was leaving? She sank slowly to ground, no longer aware of her surroundings. She leaned against the wall for support as everything that had been unvarying in her life caved in around her. Her partner loved her. Her partner was leaving her.