Nothing scares you more than three small words. Those three small words cause you so much pain, you wish they didn't exist. That the horror they brought didn't exist. Nothing can hurt you more than three small words. Those three small words are I love you.
You promised yourself when you were younger you would never love, it would always be 'bros over hos'. No one would take you away from spending quality time with Jake and the girls. No one could even talk about pulling you further and further away from them. But you never expected the person you love to be one of the people you hate most.
Love is disgusting, it makes a strong relationship, but tramples over others to survive. It wrecks plans to create new ones. It keeps you from having quality time by yourself, you would always be chasing after someone. Trying to keep them, stopping others from wanting them. Being the most annoying person in public but the kindest person in private. Love is so easy to see, and yet is almost impossible to diagnose yourself with.
You were stupid enough to fall in love with Kankri Vantas.
You have no idea why you did, he is the most infuriating person in the world. He never shuts up, his voice grates the shit out of you, his sweater is stupid and you have no idea why he wears trousers that go so far up. He's better when he can't talk, you prefer him without the stupid clothing too. You wouldn't go so far to say you hate him with every bone of your body. You would never want to hurt him- you just wish he would shut the fuck up from time to time. Its aggravating, yet somehow his voice can be beautiful. Sometimes you like to hear him talk, you will say something offensive on purpose and he will go on a rant that lasts hours. Calling you out on almost every word of the sentence. Sometimes you love that. How his face goes slightly red when he's been talking too long with no breath, how he will get stressed if he accidently says a word wrong. How he will drabble for hours on one trigger warning, even though he knows there's pretty much nothing that can trigger you. That is until he bad mouths your friends. He claims you're bright, but Jane's naivety, Roxy's drunken banter and Jakes wild behaviour pulls you astray. That's when you make him shut up.
You are madly in love with Kankri Vantas, and you can only just figure it out now.
Whenever he bad mouths your friends your fist goes flying and you can't stop it. You punch him right in the nose every time. It always bleeds for exactly half an hour. You always freak out. He's muttering apologies as he starts crying from the pain, you rush around to try and find something to stop the blood with. You always put him first, if he's sad, if he's stressed, you'd be there in a flash.
You pity Kankri Vantas and he pities you.
He will listen to you talk, he will let you fall asleep with your head on his lap as he slowly strokes your hair, he will spend the next few hours constantly apologising for offending you. He will never shut up. Sometimes you wish he would shut up. You wish he would just die again so you couldn't think of him. So you couldn't love him. You would still hurt though.
Kankri Vantas is keeping you alive.
The games stressful to say the least, you have to run here, save that, and most importantly keep your friends safe. You need them, but they need you more. You can't leave them. But you always do. The whole reason you leave them is for Kankri. He is tearing your friendships apart, he is your world and you hate him for it. He looks silly but will never take your advice. He says Porrim would kill him if he lost his sweater. He said it kept him warm. You want to keep him warm. You want to hold him and never let go, but at the same time you want to leave him and never look back. You really shouldn't love Kankri Vantas but you can't stop. You don't want to stop. You never want to leave him.
Kankri Vantas is making you scared of love, and you hate it.
You hate the little things he does. How he hums under his breath when he's bored. How he will stick one hip out when he folds his arms. How he gestures wildly when ranting. How his facial expressions are always so sensitive, and can go from happy to puzzled in a second because of his thoughts. You hate how transparent he is, you hate how much he trusts you, how easily you can break him. You hate yourself for not breaking him. You could do it easily, you know almost everything about him, why he rants, why he defends others, what things he loves other than rights, you know all his interests, all his thoughts on his friends, and you know he can't leave you either. You know he hates everything about you. You know he hates you so much that he pities you.
You hate how love is just a different hate.
You hate how with love you are forced to see a person's good points first, how it's hard to focus on the negative. How you only choose the good points to fool yourself into thinking they're right, how you hurt them by not saying the truth. You hate how you let Kankri live in the fake bliss of thinking you hate him. You hate how you can't just say you love him.
Kankri has made you scared of love, and you love it.
You love how he's made you blind, because he's showing you new ways to see. You love how he takes you away from your friends, because he's helping you find more. You love how he makes you cancel plans, because he shows you lots more fun things to do. You love how he forces you out of solitude, because you make so many more memoires.
Nothing terrifies you more than three words. Those three words are I love you.
And you are most scared of them when they tumble out of Kankri's mouth towards you, because you don't deserve them. You don't deserve him. But he tells you every chance he gets, he wants to make you love him as much as he loves you, he is clueless and you have never been more scared to face the truth. You don't want people saying "I love you" to someone who shouldn't hear it. But he does anyway. He deafens you with the pleasure you hate. The pleasure of feeling like everything can be right for once.
You love three words that give you the biggest wakeup call of your life.
Those three words are I love you.