I had some trouble coming up with insults and comebacks so i figured you guys must be having a headache to.
Insults & comebacks
Funny insults:
If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents.
I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.
Don't let your mind wander, it's far too small to be out by itself
People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!
If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!
I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse!
I'd slap you, but that would be animal abuse
The next time you shave, could you stand a little closer to the razor?
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but you abuse the privilege.
Don't piss me off today, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies
A girl can kiss a guy, a bird can kiss a butterfly, the rising sun can kiss the grass, but you my friend! Yes you! YOU CAN KISS MY AZZ!
Until you called me I couldn't remember the last time I wanted some body's fingers to break so badly.
Beauty is skin deep, but ugly is to the bone
Sorry I can't think of an insult stupid enough for you.
I may be fat, but you're ugly, and I can diet!
Let's see, I've walked the dog, cleaned my room, gone shopping and gossiped with my friends... Nope, this list doesn't say that I'm required to talk to you.
Earth is full. Go home
If I could be one person for a day, it sure as hell wouldn't be you
Forget the ugly stick, you must have been born in the ugly forest!
Roses are red violets are blue, God made me pretty, what the hell happened to you?
Right now I'm sitting here looking at you, trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my azz
I am not anti-social, I just don't like you
There are some stupid people in this world. You just helped me realize it.
Funny comebacks:
Insult: You fail! Comeback: So did your dad's condom
A-are you talking? Did I give you permission to talk...?
Insult: You're ugly! Comeback: Like your face...?
OK…and that's supposed to make me feel what?
Eureka! You've discovered I'm different than you.
Mission accomplished: I really feel bad now, so
move on.
We think of you when we are lonely. Then we are content to be alone.
Damn not you again...
I'm sorry I'm busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?
Oh please help me, I'm sooo hurt by your hurtful comments!
Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
Cancel my subscriptions, I'm tired of your issues!
You have your whole life to be a jerk... So why don't you take a day off?
You don't know me, you just wish you did.
My Mom said never talk to strangers and well, since you're really strange... I guess that means I can't talk to you!
People like you are the reason I'm on medication
If you're gonna act like a dick you should wear a condom on your head so you can at least look like one!
Funny coughegoisticcough sayings:
I don't discriminate, I hate everyone
If nobody's perfect, I must be nobody
You're just pissed cause you're your tampon's in to far
I may be wrong... But I doubt it
When God made me, he was just showing off
I'm not perfect... But I'm so close to it scares me!
Funny answer phone insults:
I really don't like you but if you really must leave a message, I'll be nice and at least pretend to care.
You know the drill... You leave a message and I ignore it!
I'm not here right now so cry me a river, build yourself a bridge, and GET OVER IT!
Hey, I am away from my phone but in the meantime why don't you go play in traffic?!
I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
You!...Off my planet!
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
And which dwarf are you?
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.
And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
Do I look like a people person?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
I plead contemporary insanity.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
Meandering to a different drummer.
The difference between this company and a cactus plant is that the plant has pricks on the outside.
May your daughters' hair grow thick, black, and abundant - all over their faces.
May your children be so famous every policeman knows them.
May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
I've gotten worse burns from a kid with a magnifying glass
Honey, I use big-girl words to express myself. I wasn't raised in a strip club.
I know who I am; you couldn't find your identity with a GPS.
(Nothing. When someone says 'good for you', the discussion's over.)
I went shopping with your mom last night. We picked you out some nice undies, too.
Any similarity between you and human is purely coincidental.
Are you always that stupid or today is a special occasion?
Brains are not everything. Infact Incase of you, they are nothing.
Don't think, It may spray in your brain.
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.
Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people's hair.
I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.
You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals.
There is no vaccine against stupidity.
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I'd like to leave you with one thought, but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?
Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.
He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
If I was as ugly as you were, I wouldn't say Hi to folk, I'd say BOO!
Listen, are you always this stupid or are you just making a special effort today?
When you get to the men`s room, you will see a sign that says, "Gentlemen." Pay no heed to it. Go right on in.
In the dictionary under the word, "stupid," it says, "see him."
Is your name Amazon? You`re so wide at the mouth.
Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm interested.
Hey, I remember you when you had only one stomach.
If I told you that I have a piece of dirt in my eye, would you move?
You're very smart. You have brains you never used.
Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you've got a palm.