The Epically Awesome Adventures With the Cullens

by LittleBlueYou7

The Epically Awesome Adventures With the Cullens. Warning: Not responsible for damaging mental health. You clicked it, remember? Written with Sebastian Silverhand, who writes most of it... cough cough... oh look, a bird...

1. Chapter 1

The Epically Awesome Adventures With The Cullens. (Whoop whoop!)

Emmett: GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAAAAAT?

Edward: What?

Emmett: I. Have. BUBBLE SOAP.

Edward: *Sarcastic* Wooow. Bubble soap. Magical.

Emmett: I know!

Edward: I don't think you picked up on that-

Emmett: Silence, young one.

Edward: I'm older-

Emmett: SILENCE! You WILL blow bubbles with me.

Edward: Uh, no.

Emmett: YES.

Edward: No. I'm going to see Bella.

Emmett: NO. BUBBLES.

Edward: NO. BELLA.

Emmett: Ha HA! You said "No Bella," which means Bella isn't gonna be in on the bubble-blowing fun! BUUUURN!

Edward: Goodbye.

Emmett: Edward *screws cap slowly off of bubble soap* you WILL blow bubbles.

Edward: No.

Emmett: Then… DRINK BUBBLE SOAP!

Edward: NO!

*15.7 minutes later*

Esme: WHAT IS THIS? *Gestures towards wet mess of her house*

Edward: He *bubbly hiccup* he *hiccup*…

Emmett: He. Wouldn't. Blow. Bubbles.

*Jasper walks in*

Jasper: Hey guys. Sup Em?

Emmett: Heeeeeeeeeyyyyyy Jazz, I got BUBBLE SOAP! Come wif me and my bubbly *hiccup* soapyyyy

Jasper: Wha?

*Emmett drags Jasper upstairs, and that's that.*

Esme: *puts hands on hips* Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, clear up this mess right this instant or you're ground for a few decades.

Edward: *hiccups and starts cleaning*

*Hiccupping sounds from upstairs, along with manic laughter and sudden bubbly silence*

Edward: Better make sure they haven't destroyed anything or I'll be blamed for that, then I'll be like Meh, and Emmett will be like HAHAHAHA…*mumbles to self*

*Edward opens the bathroom door*

Edward: OH MY HOLY FUCKING CRAP! *faints*

*Jasper and Emmett are in the middle of a steamy make out session*

Edward: *waves arms around, trying to clear the steam* WHERE THE CRAP DID ALL THIS STEAM COME FROM?

*Edward randomly falls down the stairs backwards*

Esme: Why are you on the floor?

Edward: Eh- Emmett- Jasper- my eyes-

Esme: Just clean up this mess!

Edward: *Mumbles incoherently and cleans up the messy mess*

*One clean mansion later*

Edward: Eat it, house! You're clean! BWAHAHA!

*Doorbell rings*

Edward: Bleck. People.

*Answers door. Mike is standing there, looking like a idiot, which is probably normal for him…*

Mike: Is Bella here?

Edward: No. And you didn't check her house why?

Mike: Dunno. Can I come in?

Edward: No.

Mike: Great! *Walks into house, leaving mud and junk on the once-sparkly floor.*

Edward: You Ruined. The. Floor.

Mike: Oh, sorry. Well, I'll just go…

Edward: No you won't. *Hits Mike over the head with a rubber chicken. Mike falls to the floor.*

**When Mike wakes up, tied to a chair in a dark room with a spotlight on him.**

Mike: Hello?

Voice: Hello, Michael.

Mike: Who's there?

*Edward walks into the light, dragging a TV.*

Mike: Edward! What is this? Are we gonna…

Edward: *Reads pervy thoughts* NO! That's nasty! My braiiiiin!

Mike: Oh… then are you a vampire that lured me to this room and you will videotape my torture until someone hot comes to save me?

Edward: Uh… sorta. But no one will save you! MWUAHAHAHAHA! *Pulls out a piece of pink unicorn paper* Does… THIS look familiar?

*Mike takes paper*

Edward: Say it. Out loud. Say it.

Mike: What? Okay then… "January 2nd, 2008. I HATE Dora the Explorer with a fiery passion of hatred." How did you get this page from my dia- I mean, man journal?

Edward: I HAVE WAYS! *Clicks button on remote.*

TV: Come on, bamanos! Everybody let's go!

Mike: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

*Edward walks out of room, leaving Mike in there with Dora for two days.*

Mike: *Head lulls to side and mumbling incoherently*

Edward: Have you learned your lesson? NEVER come into my house and RUIN IT! And… DORA IS MY IDOL! HOW DARE YOU! *Slaps Mike across the face, turns on light, and chucks Mike out the window.*

Edward: Okay, so I cleaned the house and took out the MikeTrash, what now?

*Alice, some girl, Jacob and some other girl all came in*

Edward: Alice, who's those girls, and why is the mutt here?

Alice: Jacob is here cause he gets us crack-I mean, he's here cause he's going out with that girl, she's called Maelee, and this is girl called Felyx. SHE'S MINE. *Alice bites Edward's shoulder.* You look like a banana….

*Edward screams and starts jumping around like a mutated bunny rabbit that looks like a banana, clutching his shoulder*

Alice: Heh.