Krieger must have done something to the disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters. This is just madness from my tiny mind people.
The Figgis Agency And The Butterfly
"You did what now?" Lana snapped at Krieger and Cyril in the bullpen of the Figgis Agency. "Explain it to me again. Because obviously I didn't hear you correctly."
"But you did," Krieger said.
"Haven't you idiots learned anything by now?" Lana snapped. "Oh God this is the exploding mice and the laser snakes all over again!"
"Lana, I was skeptical too," Cyril said. "But I think Krieger is onto something."
"More like he's on something," Lana told him. "And so are you if you think this crazy plan is going to work."
"Look you know those toys that hatch out of fake eggs are the latest rage, right?" Krieger asked. "So, I figured why not take it a step further?"
"Krieger the trouble with you is that you tend to take things ten steps further," Ray remarked as he walked up to them. "Over the line of sanity. What's this about toys that hatch?"
"You know those egg things in stores?" Cyril said. "That hatch cute little robotic type creatures?"
"Yes," Ray said cautiously.
"So why not create eggs that hatch real creatures?" Krieger asked.
"You've seen horror movies, right?" Ray asked.
"It's not going to be a horror movie," Krieger said. "Nothing is going to go wrong."
"Words spoken by the mad scientist right before the monsters run amok," Ray quipped.
"They're not monsters," Cyril said. "They're butterflies. Kind of pretty actually."
"And how big are these butterflies?" Lana asked.
"And do they shoot lasers?" Ray asked.
"Regular sized butterflies!" Cyril snapped.
"And they don't shoot lasers!" Krieger snapped. "They're just different colors and live longer."
"How much longer?" Lana asked.
"Well the average butterfly's life cycle is between a few weeks to a few months," Krieger told them.
"Monarch butterflies can live as long as nine months," Cyril added.
"My Krieger Wings can live up to a year," Krieger said proudly. "As long as you know? The climate is warm and there are plenty of flowers. And they aren't eaten by some kind of bird or bat."
"I saw one of them hatch myself Lana," Cyril said. "They're tiny little harmless creatures. What's the problem?"
"Cyril have you ever heard of the Gypsy Moth?" Lana asked. "It's a tiny harmless little creature too. Except when it's a caterpillar. And it eats every leaf on every tree in sight. And since there aren't that many natural enemies for the Gypsy Moth caterpillar it can wreak havoc on an ecosystem that can't handle it!"
"This is so not going to be a Gypsy Moth situation," Krieger said. "All the eggs containing the Krieger Wings are downstairs in my lab. They are going to be packed up and unable to hatch until they are held by someone."
"And how are you going to pack them up?" Ray asked. "Are you going to use a robot?"
"No," Krieger said. "I have Pam and Cheryl doing it right now."
"Wait hang on," Ray did a double take. "You have Pam and Cheryl packing up the eggs?"
"Yes," Cyril nodded.
"Pam and Cheryl," Lana blinked. "Physically picking up the eggs and holding them so they can package them?"
"Yes, Lana they're…" Cyril began then he stopped.
Both Krieger and Cyril's eyes widened as they looked at each other. "Uh oh."
"HEY KRIEGER!" Cheryl was heard shouting. "I THINK SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH THESE PACKAGES! THEY'RE INFESTED WITH BUGS!"
"THEY'RE PRETTY BUGS!" Pam said. "BUT STILL…"
"NO! NO! NO!" Both Cyril and Krieger ran off to see the damage.
"Do you want to look?" Ray asked in a bored tone.
"Not really," Lana sighed. "No."
"Drink?" Ray asked.
"Why not?" Lana sighed as they went to the bar. "Glengoolie Blue?"
"You read my mind," Ray went to pour them a drink.
"OH MY GOD!" Cyril shouted. "THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!"
"So Ray," Lana asked before she took a drink. "How's the dating scene treating you?"
"Like dog treats a fire hydrant," Ray groaned as he drank.
"I'M COVERED IN BUTTERFLIES!" Cheryl squealed. "I'M THEIR QUEEN!"
"Well I'm not exactly batting a thousand in my love life either," Lana groaned.
"Let's talk about something more cheerful," Ray groaned. "Like all those damn mudslides hitting the state!"
"GET BACK IN YOUR EGGS!" Krieger shouted. "BACK I SAY!"
"THAT'S NOT GOING TO WORK…" Pam began. "I DON'T KNOW ANY FAMOUS BUTTERFLY SCIENTISTS!"
"THEY'RE CALLED LEPIDOPTERISTS!" Cyril snapped.
"GOOD FOR YOU QUIZ MASTER FIGGIS!" Pam shouted back. "GIVE ME A DAMN CAPTURE NET!"
"How's this for an idea?" Ray asked. "We have a Gay and Girl's Night Out? Like the old days. You get a babysitter and we can paint the town pink and whatever color tickles your fancy?"
"AAAAHHH!" Cyril screamed.
"YOU'RE SCARED OF DAMN BUTTERFLIES?" Pam shouted. "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?"
"WHEN THEY SWARM YES!" Cyril shouted. "AAAHHH!"
"I could so go for a night out," Lana sighed. "But I don't know…"
"ALL HAIL QUEEN CHERYLINDA!" Cheryl squealed. "QUEEN OF THE BUTTERFLIES!"
"How's this Friday sound?" Lana asked.
"Like Valium and Chardonnay during naptime," Ray grinned. "So do you want to see a movie?"
"As long as it's not Frozen or anything with a cute princess I will go," Lana groaned.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Cyril screamed.
"Are there any horror movies where someone wearing glasses and a sweater vest is brutally murdered?" Lana asked. "Because I would love to see that."
"THEY DON'T EVEN BITE YOU IDIOT!" Pam snapped.
"NO, BUT THEY CAN GIVE YOU A RASH!" Cyril shouted. "THEY CARRY THE POLLEN FROM POISON IVY AND OTHER PLANTS!"
"IS THAT A THING?" Pam asked.
"THAT IS TOTALLY A THING," Krieger said. "AND SINCE I DO HAVE SOME PLANTS THAT CAN BE CONSIDERED POISONOUS AND ARE POLLENATING…Uh oh."
"I'd love to see a horror movie where instead of stupid horny teenagers get killed," Ray told her. "Stupid horny politicians get killed."
"I would totally see that movie," Lana agreed.
"GET IN THE NET YOU STUPID BUTTERFLY!" Krieger shouted. "AS YOUR CREATOR, I COMMAND YOU TO…HEY! GET OUT OF MY BEARD!"
"You know what other movie I'd like to see?" Lana asked. "Instead of those dumb romantic comedies or sappy romantic comedies. Let's have a movie where single people lead fulfilling lives and not be miserable because they are not in a relationship."
"Where they're actually happy that they are not in a relationship," Ray got it. "And are just happy having friendships and occasionally hooking up. I would totally go for that!"
"So would I!" Lana said. "I never see anything like that!"
"I would love to see something like that," Ray agreed. "Everyone I know would love to see a movie like that!"
"And Hollywood wonders why they're in a box office slump?" Lana shrugged.
"AAAAAHHHH!" Cyril shouted.
"GO MY PRETTIES!" Cheryl cackled. "FLY! FLY! ATTACK!"
"Attack of the Killer Butterflies?" Ray asked.
"Depends on who the butterflies attack," Lana sighed as she took a sip of her drink.
"Anti-Gay activists?" Ray asked. "Or right-wing politicians?"
"Yeah, I'd see that," Lana nodded. "It's kind of ironic too so…"
"Gotta love the irony factor," Ray nodded.
"GET THEM OFF! GET THEM OFF!" Cyril screamed.
"HA HA HA HA!" Cheryl cackled. "KILL! KILL!"
"I mean they had a movie about giant ants killing random people," Ray shrugged.
"AAAHHHH!" Cyril ran past them. "They're after me!"
Several multicolored pink, purple and green butterflies flew after him. Lana and Ray watched as Krieger and Pam chased them around with huge nets but didn't seem to be able to catch one.
"I have to admit there is something funny about butterflies attacking," Lana mused. "Ones without teeth or lasers."
"Butterflies!" Cheryl walked by with several butterflies on her head, shoulders and arms. "Look! They made me their queen!"
"AAAHHH!" Cyril ran by again and more butterflies followed him.
"Great!" Pam looked at Krieger. "You created attack butterflies. Congratulations!"
"They don't even shoot lasers!" Krieger snapped.
"What do they think Cyril is a plant or something?" Ray asked.
"If it was you Ms. Archer would have a fruit joke," Pam remarked. "And me for that matter but Cyril…"
"AAAHHH!" Cyril yelled as butterflies chased him around some more.
"Huh," Krieger mused. "Who knew butterflies were attracted to sweater vests?"
"GET THEM OFF! GET THEM OFF!" Cyril spun around, dozens of butterflies were all over him. "THEY'RE TICKLING ME!"
Ray looked at Lana. "What does it say about a guy when even butterflies know they can beat him up?"
"Man, Archer would have had a field day over this!" Pam laughed. "Oh man he is missing so much…"
The butterflies then started to land on Pam's head. "They are kind of cute though." She remarked. Then more flew over her. "Hey! Get off! Get off!"
"Not so funny when it's you being attacked is it?" Cyril snapped.
A pink butterfly flew over to Ray and landed on his head. "Dukes…" He groaned. "Good thing Ms. Archer ain't here to see this."
SMASH!
"Or that!" Ray did a double take.
"Go butterflies! Attack and bring me stuff!" Cheryl cackled as several butterflies threw out of a broken window.
Several butterflies started to fly away.
"CHERYL!" Cyril shouted as the butterflies flew off him and started to fly away. "Why did you throw a chair through the window?"
"Because I didn't know how to open it, duh!" Cheryl snapped.
"That's not the kind of window that opens Cheryl!" Cyril shouted.
"All the more reason to throw a chair out the window! DUH!" Cheryl snapped. "By the way Cyril this glass is really cheap."
"So are you," Ray quipped.
Soon all the butterflies flew out the window. "Well that little moneymaking scheme flew out of our hands," Pam quipped. "Literally."
"Krieger please tell me these things can't breed," Lana groaned. "And before you say it…Tell me that only if that statement is true!"
"Oh well if you want the truth then…" Krieger paused. "This may end up being a little bit like a Gypsy Moth situation."
"Or an exploding mice situation," Ray added.
"They're not supposed to explode!" Krieger snapped.
"Neither were the mice!" Ray snapped back.
"Butterflies?" Cheryl was still staring at the window. "Butterflies! Hey! Your queen commands you to come back! Butterflies?"
Cheryl turned around and pouted. "I think they left me."
"Them and every other man you've dated," Ray quipped. "You should be used to that by now."
"Yeah but I actually liked the butterflies!" Cheryl snapped.
"Okay nobody say anything about the butterflies," Cyril sighed. "Especially to Ms. Archer!"
"Yeah, she can be kind of a bitch about things like this," Krieger groaned. "I remember the scream fest she put on after the exploding mice incident."
"You know she's going to figure it out sooner or later right?" Lana sighed. "Like when she sees the broken window?"
"We'll just say Cheryl went nuts," Pam shrugged. "Which she did."
"So we're not going to tell anyone about the horde of mutated butterflies we just let loose on California's ecosystem?" Lana asked.
"I'll send an e-mail to my clone Adal to keep a lookout for them," Krieger told her.
"That's the one that's in charge of Animal Control in LA?" Pam asked.
"Assuming he hasn't been mauled to death yet, yes," Krieger nodded.
"Is it weird that I'm used to this whole clone thing now?" Cyril asked.
"In this agency, it would be weirder if you weren't," Ray remarked.
"Still worries me," Lana admitted. "About the impact they could have on the environment and the disasters they could cause."
"They're butterflies, Lana," Krieger shrugged. "How bad could it get?"
Sometime later in the future…
"An insect invasion has hit Los Angeles," Reporter Darlene Love spoke on television. "In fact, the entire state of California has been hit by an unusual explosion in the caterpillar population. With me is the head of animal control Adal Krieger."
"Hello!" Adal Krieger cheerfully waved on camera.
"Can you tell us about these particular caterpillars?" Darlene asked as Adal held some pink caterpillars in his hand.
"Yes, this is an entirely new species of butterfly called Krieger Wings," Krieger said cheerfully. "Which has mutated due to chemicals put out by Big Pharma and global warming. Definitely not a genetic engineering experiment that went horribly wrong. Nope!"
The Figgis Agency was watching the television in the bullpen. Mallory looked at Krieger. "You did something didn't you?"
"Maybe?" Krieger gulped.
"These cute little guys are the caterpillar stage of the Krieger Wings," Adal explained. "And boy there are a lot of them."
"Yes, and they're eating every single leaf and plant in sight," Darlene added.
"Even palm trees which is weird," Adal nodded.
"Just like the damn exploding mice all over again," Pam groaned.
"Or the laser snakes," Cheryl added.
"Technically they don't explode or shoot lasers," Krieger said weakly.
"No, they just eat everything in sight," Ray snapped.
"The problem is they destroying and eating plants all over the state," Adal explained. "The upside is that there's going to be a lot less leaves to rake in the fall."
"Also leading to major deforestation," Darlene gave him a look. "Without leaves plants are more susceptible to disease and other wood eating insects and they die!"
"Well there is that," Adal coughed.
"Fewer trees mean greater chances for fires and mudslides!" Darlene snapped. "Which are already happening in the hills of Los Angeles! Already a dozen people lost their homes!"
"They're just butterflies, Lana," Lana mocked. "How bad could it get?"
"I just don't care…" Mallory walked away. "I just don't care…"
"Wow," Krieger blinked. "She took that a lot better than I thought."
"I really need to get a better job," Lana groaned.