And its not that its jealousy because jealousy implies a lack of knowledge, a distinct (most likely willing) ignorance of how the world works.
Not jealousy.
No.
Its a painful sort of dissatisfaction, yes, that - certainly, and it centers around other people, but thats not the same thing.
Should know by now, limits and walls and bars, and the way the world works.
Should be capital. Way The World..etc.
Should know all about that kind of thing.
Do know. Chose to ignore. It's always willing, on some level, always a dedicated effort to not be bitter, not be cold and closed - turns into forgetting certain rules, letting someone else's defense mechanisms be better than yours.
In the darker moments it still rears its head, analyzing those mechanisms, planning against them, building a bulwark against it, railing against against against.
But it falters, fails in the light of the day, in the touch and eyes and conversations.
How could it not mean what it means?
Rhetorical.
Not shaking, not now, no.
Telling all these things, cold now, a little - getting the ice back, one chip at a time, coming to a realization (long delayed epiphany)
Is it better or worse to have been voluntary?
Rhetorical. Not helping.
Not shaking, no. No.
Not forgetting, not anymore, one too many times spent watching other curl-ups, hearing other names.
Need something, need something different. Need something, at least. Something.
Can't take this nothing forever and pretend its a good thing, that takes the kind of ice that only now is coming back.
Catch 22.
Reference, analytical, intellectual.
Nothing scars a seventeen year old forever.
Nothing sends a seven year old too hell.
Rules of the world.
Winter rules.
Reference.
Not shaking.
There's a mirror, and that's not a reflection that's a companion.
That's not a smile, that's a hook.
Not. No.
It's not healthy, but it's the way things are. The way glass is.
And no eyes have ever been drier. No.
Not jealousy.
No.
Its a painful sort of dissatisfaction, yes, that - certainly, and it centers around other people, but thats not the same thing.
Should know by now, limits and walls and bars, and the way the world works.
Should be capital. Way The World..etc.
Should know all about that kind of thing.
Do know. Chose to ignore. It's always willing, on some level, always a dedicated effort to not be bitter, not be cold and closed - turns into forgetting certain rules, letting someone else's defense mechanisms be better than yours.
In the darker moments it still rears its head, analyzing those mechanisms, planning against them, building a bulwark against it, railing against against against.
But it falters, fails in the light of the day, in the touch and eyes and conversations.
How could it not mean what it means?
Rhetorical.
Not shaking, not now, no.
Telling all these things, cold now, a little - getting the ice back, one chip at a time, coming to a realization (long delayed epiphany)
Is it better or worse to have been voluntary?
Rhetorical. Not helping.
Not shaking, no. No.
Not forgetting, not anymore, one too many times spent watching other curl-ups, hearing other names.
Need something, need something different. Need something, at least. Something.
Can't take this nothing forever and pretend its a good thing, that takes the kind of ice that only now is coming back.
Catch 22.
Reference, analytical, intellectual.
Nothing scars a seventeen year old forever.
Nothing sends a seven year old too hell.
Rules of the world.
Winter rules.
Reference.
Not shaking.
There's a mirror, and that's not a reflection that's a companion.
That's not a smile, that's a hook.
Not. No.
It's not healthy, but it's the way things are. The way glass is.
And no eyes have ever been drier. No.