She had opened up herself, again, and once more she felt the sharp sting of heartbreak. She gripped the front of her shirt where her heart was and felt her chest tighten. Her breath shortened and she tried to just hold it in... it hurt but not as much as the pain of feeling her heart ripped out and stomped on.
"Yes...I think it's best." Zoro felt awful for having to do this but things had gotten too serious between them and he thought it might be a mistake to keep it going. It was just too complicated but he still felt a little pang of guilt for doing this all of a sudden after they had kept it going after the first time they had gotten together. That shouldn't have even happned. He awkwardly reached forward and placed a hand on her shoulder trying to be comforting. "Look, it's not y-"
"Don't..." Carson spun around jerking away from his touch. "Just...don't." Zoro recoiled realizing that was a bad idea as well. Carson glared at him as hard as she could wanting him to see the anger but her heart wasn't in it. He could clearly see only hurt in her eyes, "Fine...if you think it's best." She covered her mouth and turned away feeling so sick. "Thanks for everything." She shoved past him and ran off across the empty deck. He made no move to go after her.
The others had been in bed long ago and she had stayed awake to get some fresh air for a while. Zoro had came to her and she pulled him into a sweet kiss like she normally did. It had been a while since they had first gotten together. They had continued to see each other every other night or just when they felt like it. Everything was perfect then. They had each other and they were content. Carson thought maybe she had found someone she could share everything with... she wasn't thinking about anything too serious but she knew as long as he was there she felt whole and happy. He seemed just as happy to her.
Which is why she looked to him in confusion when he didn't really return her kiss like he usually did. Instead he slipped his hands to her shoulders and gently pushed her back a step. She didn't expect what happened next... his words took her by suprise that she wasn't even sure how to react. She just...reacted. It was like her whole brain shut down and she felt defensive and panicky. She didn't know what to do so she tried to close herself up like she always did but it was too late. The damage had already been done. It started as an ache, a deep ache from the core of her body. She felt As if she was empty and was collapsing in on herself but yet she felt so heavy with grief and pain. She was breathing heavy and her body felt numb like she had breathed in a lot of anesthesia. She didn't even feel like she was moving.
As soon as she made it back to her room she collapsed onto her bed and smothered her face in her pillow trying to hold it all in. "Don't be weak...don't cry... I cant cry anymore... I can't cry..." She said into her pillow but despite her words her eyes spilled over. It was too much for her. No matter how hard she tried she could still hear words he had said sink in again. She would rather be stabbed through the chest than ever feel this feeling again. She let it all out...she had to. She couldn't stop it anymore. She smothered her screams, pulled at her hair, and raked her nails across her skin trying to dull the pain in her chest. It wasn't working. How could he do this to her? What did she do? Was this her fault? So many questions plagued her mind. She tried so hard not to think about it. "I hate you...I hate you! I HATE YOU!" She screamed into her pillow words that weren't true. She writhed around in her bed unable to get comfortable. She was tired but sleep wouldn't come.
She finally screamed her throat raw and she laid still staring up into the darkness. Every now and then a tear would trickle down the side of her face but she didn't make another move. She stayed still. Eventually, without even realizing it she fell alseep. She didn't even dream...she felt like she was still awake the whole time being consumed and smothered by the darkness.
When Carson finally woke up from the worst night of sleep she ever had she merely got up to change her clothes into her pajamas. She wasn't going to breakfast this morning. She didn't want to be around anyone. She didn't want to see anyone. She didn't care if they got concerned or if she was missed. She just wanted to be alone. She wasn't even hungry.
It wasn't the healthy thing to do but she didn't care about anything.
She laid in bed the rest of the day just trying to think about how she was acting. Was she over-reacting? Was she acting childish? Should she just get over it? It wasn't that easy. She was starting to argue with herself and she grew concerned for her own sanity.
She just wanted to forget...yet every time she tried she couldn't help but remember, remember everything they had done...the way she felt with him. She could swear she was almost in love...what is love anymore? She didn't want to talk to anyone about it because she knew they would just say the same thing that everyone always does 'let it go'. But how could she? Feelings are feelings, and you love who you love. Heartbreak occurs most when you love someone you're not supposed to...
A few of the others stopped by her room to see where she was and what she was doing but she just used the 'I'm not feeling too well' excuse. When chopper came in to check on her he suggested she get a check up but she refused... and bluntly. Chopper was a little concerned but he didn't try to force her. If things got serious he was sure he could convince her to let him help.
Days went by. Carson came out of her room but she was cold and distant. She didn't speak, she barely ate, and she didn't join in any of the shenanigans that the others had gotten into like she normally did. She sat off away from everyone and trained alone or sharpened her swords. She didn't care how 'off' she was acting. She deserved to have her moping time...but maybe she was going too far...it was unhealthy. She even looked sicker.
When anyone approached her she ignored them or attempted to listen but she didn't say much other than 'I'm fine' or 'Just not feeling to well...' One time Zoro had the gall to approach her. He was worried for her as well but as soon as he came closer to her she felt sirens and bells go off and she stood up throwing her weights down between them and walked off. She definitely didn't want to speak to him.
Slowly Carson had managed to pull herself out of her stump. She wasn't sure she would ever feel ok but the less she thought about it the better it was. She locked up her memories and forgot about everything she could. Things were starting to get somewhat better for her but she still felt so hurt.
Carson stayed up late one night and sat out on the deck just looking to the dark star filled sky. It was a lovely, warm night and she couldn't sleep. She breathed in the ocean air and let out a small sigh. The sounds of boots scuffing the deck startled her out of her relaxed state and caused her to tense up. She sat up and turned looking in his direction ready to go in the opposite.
"Wait...don't run off just yet." Zoro said walking closer. "I just..." He seemed to struggle for words, "Want to...check on you. Make sure you're ok."
"I'm fine." She said simply. she turned away hugging her knees to her chest.
"barely."
Carson wanted to snap back or curse at him...even fight him but most of all she wanted to hold him. She was suprised she was resisting the different urges she had. She had to be strong for herself though. She didn't say anything. She only stayed quiet. Just for a few moments. He was still there. She could feel his eyes on her waiting for her move.
She finally pulled herself up to her feet and turned to him to face him in what seemed like forever. She made extra efforts to stay away from him. She was suprised that seeing him now...was ok. She had managed to somewhat get over him but she still felt some pain and longing. She quickly pushed it away. "Whatever."
"How are you?" He questioned.
She smiled. How was she? She had a long list of how she was...miserable? unhappy? Heartbroken? Hurt? Angry? In denial? THe list kept going. "I'm fine." She shrugged.
"Look..." He walked closer and she tensed up causing him to stop in front of her, "I didn't mean to hurt you...I just think it's better to just..." He was fumbling with his words again.
"I understand..." Carson interrupted walking over to the side of the ship. She leaned against the railing and rested her hands on it as she looked out over the water. Things felt a little awkward but she was going to stay. She would get through it. He joined her, "Do you?" "Yeah..." She felt her throat tighten but it was ok...she was ok...she kept telling herself it would all be ok. He was still quiet. It was silent between them again. The wind blew her hair back and she breathed in heavily, "It still hurts."
"I know..."
"Do you...?" She questioned quietly. He rested his hands on the railing and looked up to the sky with her but he didn't answer.
"I think maybe...one day..." he started.
"Please...don't make promises you can't keep." Carson shook her head. She felt her insides twisting. She didn't want to hear more lies...She didn't want to have any hope.
He was silent. "I promise...Right now I'm no good for you."
Maybe he was right. She didn't want to argue. She let out a heavy sigh and looked down to the water below. He lifted his hand and moved it over to hers. She clenched it in a fist and moved it back as she turned to him. "I'll wait for you...when you're ready..." but how long was she willing to wait? She felt like forever...but would she get tired of waiting?
Zoro was silent. She looked to him and he stared back trying to read her.
She wasn't sure if it was worth it, waiting for his love... She wasn't much of a patient person.
He moved forward and pulled her into a hug before she could leave and held her in his arms. She held her breath and tried not to let her tears fall again. He kissed her on the forehead softly and then moved to her lips. She gripped his shirt tightly in her hands not wanting it to end but soon he moved back and she let go. She looked to him without another word.
When she felt his kiss...she knew she could wait forever for him.
She looked to him with a small sad smile before turning away and walking off to her room. She left him alone out on the deck to his own thoughts.
She gave one last look before disappearing below deck. He was looking up to the sky facing away from her. Yeah, she was willing to wait forever for him.