A/N: I had a lot more to say about this fic when I first started writing it, but the writing has kinda... drained me. This song hits very close to home for me, and I felt that Helga would have a similar (although slightly more dramatic) reaction to it. The song is called Sami and it belongs to Darren Criss. If it looks familiar, or if his name looks familiar, that may be because Darren is the boy who played Harry in A Very Potter Musical (which I'm sure many of you have seen on youtube) and the song Sami was adapted at the last minute to give Ginny her solo piece, Harry. If you haven't heard the original version of the song, I highly recommend it. I like it a lot better than the AVPM version.
Disclaimer: I don't own HA! or Sami.
Unrequited Love Song
Helga wasn't one for music, really. Sure, she liked it well enough and might put it on in the background when she was doing homework, but it was never an obsession for her like she knew it was for some of her classmates. That's why she was thoroughly startled to discover a song that she could not stop listening to. She was out for a walk now, but the single song was set to play in an infinite loop on her ipod. She couldn't help it. This song knew her. It wasn't just beautiful – it was haunting. Every lyric, every syllable, every sound that played through Helga's earbuds cut her to the core.
Most love songs that she knew of were trash. They talked about bad relationships, or how great good relationships were going. They never bothered about people like her – people in unrequited love. Not until now.
I've seen her face
I've heard her name
I've lost my place and she's to blame
It was exactly how she felt about Arnold. Exactly! No one had ever put the thoughts into words so precise and perfect before. Because really, who was "Helga" without Arnold around? She vaguely remembered being bored, and lonely, and crying a lot as a very small child, but not much else. How much of Helga was Helga and how much of her was simply him? How much of life did she miss out on while she stared at the back of his perfect head, or gazed longingly at his face from afar?
I can't stand it
When I'm staring in her eyes
And she's not looking back
It's not a big surprise
Sometimes, when she was lucky, she would sit somewhere at lunch that allowed her to spend the whole period staring at him unnoticed. Those days used to be pure bliss. Then Lila came along. They were bitter-sweet for a while after that, what with the way Arnold was always gazing off lovingly in Little Miss Perfect's direction. At first Helga had been angry. How dare he give his attention to that unworthy, ignorant priss instead of her! What was so great about Lila anyways? So Lila was sweet, and pretty, and popular... so? As time passed it wore on her. Soon lunches turned into long, internal monologues listing all of the bad traits that Helga had and Lila didn't. All of the traits that Arnold would never love her for. She was worthless. No wonder he never looked her way.
I've heard music,
I've heard noise
I wish she could hear her voice
The way that I do
When I go to sleep at night
And dream my life away
But she's gone when I awake
Her entire life was a fantasy after all – all the good parts anyhow. The only time his lovesick eyes ever met her own was in dreams. Blissful, incredible, romantic dreams the likes of which no mere mortal could hope to understand. Oh, if only Arnold knew the way that she thought of him at night! The words their dream selves shared! If only he could open his eyes and see through the lies! If only! If only...
But the boy was oblivious as always. Each new morning proved the world unchanged.
Sami, Sami
Why can't you see
What you're doing to me?
Looking at her surroundings for the first time in a while, Helga realized that she was at the docks. How appropriate. A dingy, dreary, isolated place to listen to a song about feeling as isolated as she did. She walked to the edge of the pier and sat, dangling her feet above the water. With a look at the overcast sky she sighed, then leaned forward a little and looked downward so that she could stare at the image of her face in the murky water. When did she get so dirty?
The way her hair falls in her eyes
Makes me wonder if she'll
Ever see through my disguise
And I'm under her spell
Was this the face he saw every day? It must have been. It was her mask. She never left her house in the morning without it. Each day Helga would get on the bus with a scowl smeared across her lips and eyebrows so furrowed that she was sure she'd have wrinkles by the time she was twenty. She was a hardened, wooden stare. Grotesque. A monstrosity.
But some days, Arnold would look at her and she would swear that he'd seen something else of her, just for a moment. It could have been in the way the light hit his eyes or his hair cast shadow over them, but he would just seem to... know. For just an instant. And in her terror at the possibility of Arnold finally managing to see what she had been begging for him to see all along, she would say something rude or cruel and the look would be gone. Back to square one.
To be honest, Helga didn't even know if she could peel off her mask for herself anymore. Did she even remember how to cry?
Everything is falling
But I don't know where to land
She just knows where she is
But she don't know who I am
Helga Squeezed her eyes tightly and shook her head, trying to loosen her sneer. It wasn't working. She tried once more, this time by holding her eyes open as wide as she could for as long as she could. She tried pinching herself until it hurt. She tried digging her nails into the palms of her hands until they left marks. She tried biting her tongue until she tasted blood. It wasn't working. It wasn't working! It wasn't working!
It wasn't working.
She couldn't cry, she couldn't smile, nothing. Helga couldn't replace Olga, or please Bob, or get a glance from Miriam, or make friends, or outshine Lila, or win Arnold's love or – or anything! A sudden, piercing wail lit the air afire. Helga screamed until her throat was raw, while tears leaked with her sobs to put the fire out.
Sami, Sami
Why can't you see
What you're doing to me?
"Helga?"
At the sound of his voice she turned around. Arnold! And he was right behind her! How did that happen? She should have noticed, she should have–!
With a new scowl she yanked the earbuds out of her ears. They fell to the wooden planks beside her and continued to whisper her song beside her. Stupid music.
"Go away!"
I see you singing on that stage
You look just like an angel
And all I do is pray
That maybe
He kept standing there, not phased in the least by her outburst. He wouldn't leave. His eyes were so big, so sad and concerned. It hurt. It hurt to see him care because she knew it meant nothing. She could hope, and dream, and cry out for help all she wanted. Arnold would never care for her anymore than he care for anyone else.
Even so, she couldn't help but feel her chest constrict from something else. Would he see her? Would today be the day?
Someday you'll hear my song
And understand that all along
There's something more that I'm trying to say
"Why are you crying?" He asked.
When I say
She turned away from him.
"I'm not crying." It was stupid and stubborn, she knew, but God! She had just been caught crying about Arnold by Arnold! It was worth a shot.
"Helga..."
"Look, I'm fine, okay?"
Arnold sighed. Then, kneeling down next to her, he placed his hand on her shoulder and asked, "Is there anything that I can do to help?"
Helga looked at Arnold then – really looked at him. He wanted to help. He really wanted to. And Helga's eyes were begging him, pleading, shouting Yes! Look at me! Notice me! I'm begging you to turn those beautiful green eyes on me the way you look at Lila! The way I look at you! Please! For just one minute! One single, solitary, perfect moment! Just once I want to be loved!
Sami, Sami
Why can't you see
But Arnold saw none of it. He stood in silent patience, waiting for a verbal response.
What you're doing to me?
What you're doing to me?
"No."
With another sigh, Arnold stood up and released her shoulder. "Alright Helga," he said, "I'm going to be at the Arcade. You can always come find me if you need someone to talk to."
Sami, Sami
Why can't you see
What you're doing to me?
"Thanks, Football Head."
What you're doing to me.
Yeah, so I originally intended for a happy ending, but it just didn't feel right. It was also supposed to be longer, but cutting the happy ending made a more abrupt ending seem appropriate. Anyways, I'm working on something a bit longer than this right now, but whether I post it or not depends on if I can manage to pull it off. In the mean time, I hope you enjoyed this, and I encourage you all to write something of your own and/or review! (you know I'll love you forever if you do 3 )