my first attempt to write a 1st person fanfiction. I really hope you like it. Enjoy.
"Ugh, I am pathetic," I don't even know who I'm talking to; no one can hear me in this dirty cell.
If you asked me now: what did I do to end up here? I couldn't tell you.
Alright, alright, I am lying, I could, but I am not particularly fond of pity or people who give themselves the right to feel sorry for anyone.
You won't feel sorry for me?
I am not sure I buy into that crap but you are here and you are reading this so why the hell not, I got nothing to lose, soon they will kill me and you wanna know the worst part, I don't fucking blame them, I had it coming for a long while.
You see the thing is; this world was made for me, I am sure, some twisted divine heeded my prayers and now we got dead walking around, just so you know this was not the thing I had in mind that night when I sobbed into my sheets praying to God to make everyone go to hell. I just figured he would send them to hell not bring hell down to earth, but in all honesty, I wasn't quite precise when it came to the way I want that delivery to be made.
Well, at least now I know who ran the modern post offices.
My train of thought ran out of tracks now; I apologize.
Anyway, it's been two years now, probably more, I was not good at tracking time even when I had the clock and calendar to help me, since the dead started roaming around, poor things, I can't imagine a worse punishment than to be brought back to this shithole we call Earth.
I was good at that thing people call survival, all those years spent avoiding people by climbing on trees, later mountains and hours spent in a shooting range and gym, because I wanted to look and feel like a bad ass, finally paid off, and they told me I was wasting my time, take that suckers.
But I was not the only one who survived, so the chances of you finding something worth eating became slimmer with each passing day. I am not lazy, I would go and hunt if I could, but the thing is I still can't bring myself to kill an animal, man no problem, I ended lives without blinking twice, but an animal, noo, that was something impossible to me. Yes, I am a hypocrite when it comes to that, even now my mouth waters when I think about juicy steaks I ate every Sunday with my mama, back in the days when she could remember who I was, but to kill an animal and get that steak was something I considered barbarism.
Hey, hey, hey, no one is perfect and I for one am not even close to it so shut your judgmental mouth.
When supplies got slimmer, people become more violent so I moved, I moved a lot, mostly on foot or with bicycles if I got lucky and found one but with all debris shattered along roads tires never lasted longer than a week, why not cars…because I can't fucking drive, yes the badass who can shot a man directly in between the eyes while he is running towards her can't drive to save her own life. I tried it once, crashed into a three, I never tried it again.
With time, I ran into some groups, never considered joining them, that was not my cup of tea, but I did stalk them.
Why?
Well they had food and I was hungry, so I stole from them, no one ever caught me, I even saw some turn on each other, thinking it was an inside job, some got killed in the process.
Do I feel sorry for them?
No, I don't.
Why?
Because the food I stole from them they stole from someone else.
In this world there are no such things as murder or theft only survival, stay alive as long as you can and don't ask for a price.
Maybe I will burn in hell for that but it was something I have been preparing for ever since I learned about concept of hell from some man who told my mother she will go there because she had me but did not have a husband, well technically she did have a husband how else would she get me, just not hers.
I am particularly looking forward to that reunion.
I'm dilly dallying here, I do that a lot, it's a miracle I am this good at avoiding trouble with my short attention span, or I was good, to be exact.
Back to business, so yeah, I traveled a lot and found this amazing area with four different communities close to each other, this amount of people in such small space is bound to cause troubles, but it was not something I concerned myself with. Four communities meant four different sources of food, now if that isn't called paradises I don't know what it.
A few days ago I got into one of these communities with strange writing on the gate,
"Mercy for the lost, vengeance for the plunderers."
I took it too personally, no one threatens me with vengeance, so I decided to sneak into their little community and take as much as I can carry. It was a bad, bad idea; I barely made it out alive with less than a can of peas, I hate peas.
After that everything went to hell.
I spent two fucking days, watching this community that is held up in some abandoned factory. They had walkers tied to their fences, can you believe the shit people come up these days to look tough, but it was all for show, the more people try the weaker they are.
I was never more wrong in my life and I am a person who is wrong most of the time.
So they caught me, I thought they would kill me but no, they decided to throw me in this fucking cell to rot.
Fuck this shit, I didn't go to jail while there was an actually a jail to go to and look at me now.
I would make my mama so proud.
The sound of footsteps and someone banging on my cell door woke me up.
"Wake up, sunshine."
What the, I am no one's sunshine.
The doors opened and two men came into my cell, one had the most ridiculous mustaches I have ever seen and other one had a bat wrapped with barb wire.
Oh shit, of all psychos I manage to avoid I get caught by the worst of them, I should have anticipated something like that with my luck.
I came, face to face with that thing the man was holding as he crunched down, touching my nose with it.
Damn that tickles and he found my sneezing funny, but by the looks of that grin on his face, he finds everything funny.
"This is Lucile, and she is a beauty."
"I saw better-looking bats," one of these days my mouth will get me killed. Who am I kidding? It will get me killed today.
I could see it on his face; he didn't take my remark kindly but in a second his mood turned around as he started to laugh.
"You got some mouth on you."
Good, he is a smart one, at least I will get killed by someone like that, I think there is no worse death than being killed by an idiot, it hunts your ego for eternity and I have some ego to be haunted.
"Tell me, everything you know about Alexandria, sunshine and I will let you live."
What the hell is he talking about, Alexandria, what's Alexandria?Oh, wait… of fucking course, that's the place I got chased from with tail in between my legs.
"They have tall walls. Their people have a lot of guns but are not very accurate shots, at least the ones that tried to kill me weren't," fuck him, he can to with that info whatever he wants, like I care, I just want to get over with this shit as soon as possible.
"Don't lie to us. We saw you walking from the direction of Alexandra towards us and while you've been watching us, we've been watching you," that man with mustaches spoke.
I would give my left arm just to slap that smug grin off his face, he knows shit and yet he claims he knows how the universe was created, me from Alexandria, yeah right.
"So, tell us everything you fucking know, sunshine."
"I told you all I know already."
"Come, the fuck on, I want juicy bits, layout, how many people, who's fucking who you know nasty things."
"I don't fucking know, I am not from there."
The man smiled, tilting his head, damn it, that was one Hollywood smile right there.
"I know you are."
"I am not."
"Yes, you are."
"I am not."
"Yesss, you fucking are."
"I am fucking not. Really, man, I can go on like this for a long fucking time I got nothing better to do."
Well, he didn't look amused now. Good. Hope he will leave me alone or kill me, but you know, blow my head off kind of kill not annoy me to death.
Oh, God, that clicking sound he is making with his tongue is irritating the hell out of me, yes, he will annoy me to death.
What did I do wrong to deserve this? Wait no, don't answer that question.
"I don't want to kill you sunshine, I don't like hurting women, but I will have to if you don't tell me the truth."
"Cut the crap. Everyone is hurting everyone, that's just the way the world is. Don't let a small technicality like me being a woman kill your amusement."
And here it is again, his smile and that laughter, I am not sure should I be turned on or afraid.
"Negan, we are ready to leave."
Thank God for small miracles. What the fuck is wrong with that man's face, looks like I decided to raid a circus show.
Oh no, I hate clowns.
"I am trying to get some fucking info out of this one here Dwight and you are interrupting me!"
"They are on the move."
This man is persistent, good, maybe it will buy me few more hours of life, not that I would know what to do with them and what's wrong with me, I wanted to die just a few minutes ago, damn me and my attention span.
"Fuck!Simon, gather the man. I'll be out in a second."
Good, one is gone, one more to get rid off.
"I am thinking should I fucking bring you with me or leave you here. Maybe you would like to see what kinds of nasty shit I got stored for your friends."
C'mon man, you are supposed to be the smart one here.
"I don't give a damn. You can kill me right now," I would prefer you don't, "or take me and kill me out there somewhere, dead is dead. And for the last time, those people are not my friends."
"If you are not lying, why would I kill you?"
"I don't fucking know, out of the goodness of your heart?"
"Damn it all, I hope you are telling the truth."
And with that he closed the doors, leaving me alone in my cell. Guess that means I don't get to go on this road trip of theirs.
Damn shame, I really miss pickle sandwiches.
My dreams of food were interrupted by the sound of keys and two men talking.
"This is against the rules. You will get us killed."
"Don't be a pussy, did you see what they have down here and like anyone will believe her."
"Negan could find out."
"He won't, he and all his generals are out. Look I don't care do you want this or not I do and I will do it."
Do what, kill me? So I am not going to get killed by the smart one, go figure, even at the end of my life luck isn't smiling down on me. I never understood why, I know I am not a model but I am not that ugly not to be lookable, guess luck is one picky bitch.
"Hello, there little one," the man smiled down at me. Is he missing his teeth? God damn it, he is… oh please stop smiling I think I am going to puke.
I was wrong about him missing his teeth, he had some, it became quite clear once he dragged me in the middle of my cell and bit my hand when I tried to push him off me.
Oh, no, you won't, not this time, not again.
I was lucky he was not a particularly smart man, once I relaxed he thought I was enjoying myself and got careless, one good kick in the crunch and his knife taken away from him placed into his abdomen and he was down.
"Bitch, you killed him!"
The other man screamed as he slammed my cell door shut, locking me up again.
Fuck, just what I needed.
I'm trapped here with this rapist now, left to wait for my execution.
I did not lie to that man who came here, but I doubt he will look away from me killing his people.
I bury the knife into rapist's head. I admit I have few loose screws, but I am not that fucked up to want to be eaten alive.
To top it all, that idiot ripped my shirt and this was my favorite one, not because it was my only one but because it had "queen bitch" printed on it, it is tacky but I loved it, now it is ruined.
I am not sure why I am so upset, not like I will need it where I'm going. God, I hope I won't, can you imagine spending your entire afterlife wearing a ripped shirt. Now, I am not anal about things like that but even you have to admit it would fucking suck.
I don't know why I'm looking at this man, expecting he will wake up any moment and continued what he started, my skin is itching, I hate this. Why is no one coming to get me?
What if everyone is dead and I am alone now, left here to starve to death. I can't remember when was the last time I ate something, so the death will be quick but I doubt it will be less agonizing.
I must have fallen to sleep because I didn't hear my cell door opening, but I did not miss anything that happened afterward as I was pushed up to stand.
I hate being woken up. Why can't people let me sleep, we are in the middle of apocalypse what will I miss, doctor appointment.
"What is this?" man from before was back, he had blood all over his shirt and bat. Wait, are those? No, it can't be, how would pieces of brain end up on his bat and with that picture my dream of dying with a bullet in my head disappeared.
"A dead man," this was the worst possible time to be a smart ass.
"I can fucking see that! Why is he here? And why is he dead?"
"He came here, I killed him."
I don't get why all these questions when answers were more than obvious.
He moved away from me, taking a step back, scanning me from head to toe.
"Did he do anything to you?"
"Yes, he ripped my shirt."
"He did," the man took a step closer, taking the ripped pieces of my shirt like he was trying to glue them back together.
"Did he?" he swallowed heavily.
"Why do you care?"
And like always, when it comes to asking a wrong question at a wrong time, I hit a jackpot on this one.
"This shit does not fly around here! We don't rape our women!"
Oh, no, you didn't just yell at me,"good thing I am not your WOMAN then! So I apparently don't fall under that protection."
"That's not how these things work."
A good thing no one was here making any noise or I would not be able to hear what he said to me. The pity I heard in his voice made my nerves boil, who does he think he is, feeling sorry for me when his men were the ones who tried to rape me. And even if they were not his men, he was not the one who had those filthy hands all over him, why does he even care. No, I am sick of peoples sympathetic looks and those 'I can't imagine what you must be feeling,' speeches, no bitch you cannot, so shut the fuck up. I am not made of glass. I won't shatter if someone handles me incorrectly.
"Well, you fucking fooled me."
"Shit woman, I was not here!If I fucking knew this was going to happen, you would have come with us."
"Why does it even matter, kill me already and be done with this?
The door was slammed and I was left alone, again. This shit is getting old.
I don't know how much time has passed since someone opened the door, I am sure now, hunger will not kill me, the thirst will. That's it; I am done waiting, I'll do it myself, let that motherfucker stew on the opportunity he missed.
I take the knife out of dead man's head and bring it down to my wrists, just one slice and it will all be over.
You will turn, you idiot.
Shit, I forgot about that, I don't want to be one of those things, maybe he will kill me the moment he walks into my cell, maybe I will kill him, it's a win-win situation. But what if he doesn't kill me but ties me up to that fence, what then? I don't know what's it like to be one of those things, are you aware of your surroundings, are you trapped into that husk not able to control it, is it worth the risk escaping from one prison just to be thrown into another.
Shit, I don't want to do this, this is not me, I am not weak, I am strong, just like my mama was, I am her daughter, her creation. No, I won't go down without a fight.
The door is opened again, two men coming inside. Shit, not this again, how many of them I have to kill before this all ends.
I scoop myself towards the corner of my cell, wishing walls would swallow me up.
They take the man and drag him out of the cell.
I expected to be left alone in the dark again, but the man who was here earlier walked inside with his bat in his hand, it was clean now, it looked like barb wire was changes, he smelled so good, I forgot how much I love the smell of man perfume, I always had a bottle with myself back in the days, I would spray it all over my pillow then fall asleep hugging it.
"Here, I brought you something."
He gave me a bottle of water and a clean white t-shirt.
He places them on the floor, picking up the knife I threw there.
"You killed him with this?"
"Why do you ask questions you already know the answers to?
"I fucking love the sound of your voice."
"Nice. That makes two of us."
Damn him and that smile.
"You're not thirsty?"
"No," yes.
"You think it's poisoned?"
"Yes, but I also thought that for the last meal, before execution prisoner gets to pick what he would like to eat."
"True, so what would you like to eat?"
"Big, juicy steak, medium rare."
"Coming right up."
He is joking, he must be joking.
No, he is not joking, not few minutes after he comes back to the cell holding a plate with meat on it. Oh, God, I died and went to heaven and I didn't know. Go to hell, my ass, once again I have proven everyone wrong.
I take a meat for the plate, taking a large bite. Oh, it feels so good, I swear it is better than orgasm.
Just when I was about to take my second bite I hear him clearing his throat.
"What?"
"You might wanna use this?"
"You are giving me weapons?" what the hell is wrong with this man is he really that confident I won't kill him.
"A knife and a fork to be exact."
"Still weapons."
"Will you try to kill me with them?"
"No, no before I finish my meal."
"So I am safe for like what, five seconds."
"ha, ha, ha, really funny. Give me that."
He is ruining it for me, sitting there, watching as I eat.
"Do you want some?" I cut a small piece of steak, offering it to him.
"No, I am full. Thank you."
"Then stop looking at me with those big sad puppy eyes."
He actually listened to me. I can't believe it, but after few seconds I wished he didn't because he was now looking at the spot that man lied.
"Did he?"
"C'mon man, you are ruining my meal."
"Strict rules are placed against this kind of behavior."
"What you want to know did he fuck me?"
"Yes."
His eyes, locked on mine made my skin crawl, I am not a fearful person but this look could make a stone cry.
"No, he didn't do anything. I stopped him on time," there goes my appetite.
"Your first kill?"
I almost choked on my food trying to suppress the laughter.
"No."
"You find killing funny?"
"No. But your question, yes."
"Eat your food and get dressed. I will come for you in ten minutes."
"Will it be quick?"
"What?"
"You know… my death."
He didn't grant me an answer, he just strolled out of my cell like I wasn't even there.
So this is how it ends for me, I won't lie to you, I thought my death would be more spectacular, you know fireworks and stuff like that.
I thought I deserved that much, but I guess I don't, I will die just like I lived, as a shadow of someone I was supposed to be.