Star Warz
Episode Justice:
Jedi Turnabout
It has been one year since the Cosplayer invasion. There has been no sign of the Contractor or any hostile beings since his defeat. We turn to a darkened Jawa Home, slowly turning on the dark side of some planet. A lone voice can be heard in space...
?: So that's it, then? A chance for glory... Not like there's anything else to do. I just hope it makes a lasting impression.
(The station lights up and a huge beam is fired. We see it speed through space and then obliterate a faraway planet. Turn back to Jawa Home where we see a still-frame of a button labeled "Fire" depressed. Turn up to reveal the shocked face of Steezy the Ssi-Ruuk. All goes black, the title lights up, then goes black again. Turn to an apartment on Coruscant, where a vid-screen talks of the destruction of Wayland as the words DAY 1 Private Suite 1:39 A.M. types up. Turn to a table where Will, Sara, Anna, Cope, Jo and some Official guy are sitting around)
Anna: You're serious?
Off: I'm afraid so. One planet destroyed, along with thousands of inhabitants.
Jo: And it came from Jawa Home?
Off: Yes. Witnesses on three planets saw the beam come from the direction of Jawa Home. We've estimated it fired around 12:29 a.m. and have since sent investigators to it.
Will: So no word on who did it?
Cope: Should you really ask?
Off: Actually, he should. Upon arriving, a message announced that the owner was away on private business and was not available for questioning. Also since landing, we have gained access to the controls and are now moving the station closer here for better investigation.
Sara: But what about disrupting the crime scene?
Off: Oh, that's no major concern. The ship's computers logged the exact time and orbital position when it fired. Also, our forensic experts swept the control room and there was no trace of blood, hair, or prints anywhere. It's as if whoever pushed that button had done so without coercion.
Will: What about hacking? Could it have been fired anywhere else on the ship?
Off: No. You see, your friend the Jawa set up the system so the beam only can be fired from the control room. We did try to hack it just to be sure, but it was just a waste of time. And there was no evidence of any attempted hacks.
Jo: So what are the options?
Off: Well, first off we need to catch this crook. Our team got on there pretty fast so they shouldn't have had time to escape. Afterwards, we ask the owner some questions and move on to court. (Beeping) Oh, hold on. (Pulls out talkie) What's up? Um-hum. Really? That easy? Well good. Hold him until I get there. Over. (Puts away talkie) Would any of you care to see our culprit?
Cope: You caught him already!?
Off: Yes sir. And the station is nearing Kuat, so if we leave we should get there by the time it arrives.
(Turn to crowded hall on Jawa Home. DAY 1 Jawa Home Corridor C 2:42 AM types up. The Jedi and Official enter the scene)
Off: As you can see, all guests were sleeping or in their rooms at the time of firing. (Show guests in pajamas and sleep wear) Our criminal should be arriving at some point.
?: Hands off you cretins! Out of my way!
(Turn to a short Jawa shoving against some police)
Cop: Sorry sir. (Struggles) You can't go beyond this point!
Squishy: And why not!? I'm the owner and I demand to know what the freak you guys are doing on my vessel without my permission! (Noticing other Jedi) Oh, hey guys! What're you doing here?
Off: Let him through.
(Squishy gets through)
Sara: Did you hear the news?
Squishy: Yeah. Real, real shame it is. To think someone actually used my peace station as a weapon? Why, when I see whoever did this I'm going to mess him up so bad-
?: Hey, Squishy! My man!
(Show Steezy escorted through crowd handcuffed by the police)
All: Steezy!?
Steezy: Yeah. Real bummer. I'm going to court for massive manslaughter.
Squishy: Steezy... but why?
Steezy: Actually, I don't remember all that much.
Off: That's enough from you! It's self-denying punks like yourself that makes me glad I love to pistol whip so dang much! (Whacks Steezy in snout with pistol butt) Take him away!
(Steezy is carted off)
Steezy: Well, later dudes.
(Jedi look in shock. Squishy falls to knees, raises fists in air and yells)
Squishy: Oh captain, my CAPTAINNNNNN!
(Turn to a visitor's booth. DAY 1 Detention Center 9:03 AM types up. The Jedi are on one side of the glass and Steezy on the other. Squishy is on the phone)
Squishy: Look, man! You have to remember really big things like this. Don't you recall anything?
Steezy: Ummmmm... no, not really.
Squishy: How are we going to make an airtight defense if you have no good alibi other than "I was at the console when the beam fired with my claw on the button!?"
Steezy: Uhhh... bribes?
Cope: This is hopeless! Why are we here!?
Will: We have to be here. Court is in 4 hours.
Anna: And with the death of thousands, the punishment shan't look good.
Jo: Plus from what I hear, the prosecution has all the right evidence to convict him, along with 3 planets worth of witnesses.
Cope: Then why not give up and look for another lizard for a pilot!?
Squishy: Because Steezy was the first Ssi-Ruuk to be employed in our Military Peace Exchange and has been a **** good pilot and friend to boot!
Steezy: Word up, man!
Sara: Then what do we do?
Will: Just pray that the council will provide a good enough attorney and that everything falls in place from there.
Jo: Yeah right! Blowing up a planet doesn't really grant someone an awesome lawyer. And we don't have any good evidence or witnesses to testify.
Squishy: Wish I could help Steezy, but what with business trips... Graaaah, stupid economic obligations!
Steezy: It's okay, man. I got a good feeling we'll blow all them old coots right out of the house by setting the record straight.
Cope: May the Force have mercy on us all.
(Turn to High Council Chamber. DAY 1 High Council Chamber 1:00 PM types up. Show an occupied judge stand, a full house and the two sides on their own platforms. On the defense platform)
Jo: Where the freak is that lawyer!?
Anna: Lawyer? I thought we were gonna be the lawyers.
Cope: Because of risk of biasness such an option would be null.
Steezy: Oh man... this place is huge!
Sara: Concentrate, Steezy! You might actually remember something if you do.
Squishy: Say, who's that weirdo over there?
(Show prosecutor's platform. There is a medium-sized man with a white beard and blonde hair and dressed in a brown suit)
Will: That's the prosecutor. Hear he's pretty good with these cases. But I don't know his name.
Anna: Hush! The trial is starting.
(Everything quiets down. The judge bangs his gavel)
Judge: Court is now in session for the trial of the Galaxy versus Steezy the Ssi-Ruuk. Is the prosecution ready? State your name and reply.
?: Halifax, sir. Robert Halifax. And yes, prosecution is ready.
Jo: (Whispers) That voice sounds familiar...
Judge: Good. Defense? (Pause) Defense, are you ready?
(Cricket noises)
Squishy: Uhh... well-
(Loud door opening)
?: Hold on! I'm here already!
(Show shaggy-bearded Chris in lawyer garb walk to the defense platform carrying a case stuffed with papers)
Squishy: Chris!? You're the defense attorney!?
Chris: Yeah. Steezy is a **** fine lizard! I just can't stand around letting ingrates send him to the chair, so I'm defending him!
Anna: And exactly what do you know about law?
Chris: Not much really. But I watched more than enough CSI to know how to make the enemy turn the other cheek.
Cope: We're doomed...
Judge: Right. Defense, are you finally ready?
Chris: Yes, your honor. We're up and ready to get judicial in this house.
Judge: Um-hum. Yes. Prosecution, your opening statements.
Halifax: Yes, your honor. Ladies and gentlemen of the council, we are here today to show the wholly unadulterated crimes of the defendant in question, Steezy the Ssi-Ruuk: responsible for the destruction of a planet and many lives. This unforgivable crime was committed almost 12 hours ago aboard the space station Jawa Home. Present the map. (Map of galaxy is shown) At about 12 a.m. this morning, Jawa Home was in steady orbit around Endor and was mostly shut down for the guests' sleeping pleasure, as recorded by the station's computer. (A dot appears by Endor) Also recorded on the computer, a burst of destructive energy was fired at 12:29 a.m. on a direct course to Wayland. (A straight line goes from Endor to Wayland, where it turns red) Due to its straight course, citizens on the planets of Kuat, Corellia and Duro witnessed the beam as it sped through space. They were close enough to see it; so close, in fact, that if it got any closer then the beam would have shaved off a good chunk of planetary surfacing.
(Upset mumbling goes around the chamber)
Judge: (Bangs gavel) Order. Order! Please continue.
Halifax: Thank you. Now, the witnesses' testimonies matched one another's and it is all agreed that Wayland was officially obliterated at 12:30 a.m. And to support this information, authorities on all three planets got all the testimonies of every witness available.
Will: (Gulp!)
Judge: Yes, and may I see this list of witnesses.
Halifax: Certainly. (Pulls out small disk)
Judge: Um... maybe something a little bigger?
Halifax: You know, I've just been waiting for you to say that. (Pushes a button. The judge stand gets flooded by thousands of testimony forms)
Judge: (poking head from paper mountain) Okay, I'm convinced. Now let's clean this up and continue.
(Some minutes later)
Halifax: Back to our current discussion, authorities were immediately sent to Jawa Home to investigate. At about 1:40 a.m., police found the defendant hidden in a compartment in the control room, and was arrested on site. Since computer records showed that he was the only one in the control room at the time of firing, it'd only be reasonable to say that he did it. To further back this up, the tape I'm holding in my hand is surveillance video of the defendant performing this crime. Bring up video.
(Black & white video shows an abandoned console. Soon Steezy walks up to it. After looking side to side he stops and then pushes a button. The console brightens up a moment and then dims down. The court chamber goes into even more of an uproar)
Judge: (Banging gavel) Order! Order! I will have order you animals!
(After quieting down)
Halifax: So in conclusion, today's trial isn't about who done or why, it's about how horrible a punishment the defendant should receive.
(Cheers of approval from court)
Judge: Yes. That would seem so. However, this is a court of law and we need at least one present witness testimony.
Halifax: Understandable. Then I shall call my one and only witness: the defendant in question, Steezy the Ssi-Ruuk
Steezy: Yeah! I'm first!
Jo: I don't like where this is going...
Squishy: You said it.
(Steezy is placed before the judge)
Halifax: (Stroking beard) Now, please state your name and occupation.
Steezy: Well, my real name is in chirps and whistles, and I doubt any of you would understand it.
Objection!
(Turn to defense platform)
Judge: Yes, Mr. Chris?
Chris: Uhh... nothing, but I've always wanted to do that.
Judge: Well, cross-examination hasn't begun yet. So you're going to be penalized.
Chris: Hey! You coming on to me or something?
(Cope smacks head in disgust)
Halifax: Right... anyway, Steezy will just do fine. Occupation?
Steezy: Chief pilot and technician of Jawa Home. I'm also stand-in Party Chief when the boss ain't around.
Halifax: Uh-huh. Well begin your testimony, if there even is one. Heh-heh...
Squishy: Alright. Time to pay attention. Maybe he'll say something contradictory for his benefit.
("Witness Testimony" flashes on screen)
Steezy: Okay, let's see. Hmm... ugh... I was at the console when the weapon fired and my claw was on the button.
(Cope bangs head on desk along with Squishy)
Halifax: (Bowing) Thank you thank you thank you! Case closed, zippity do! Prosecution rest; no more evidence or surprise witnesses from me!
Judge: Thank you, Mr. Halifax. I must say this has got to be the most concise, quickest trial I've ever had on the subject. Would you still like to give a shot at cross-examination anyway, Defense?
Chris: I don't know, guys. The odds are pretty well-stacked against-
Squishy: We'll do it!
Anna: What? Why!?
Will: Yeah. It's pretty hopeless.
Squishy: We still have to try, darn it! I refuse to give up this easily.
Jo: Well look who the big motivator is.
Judge: Alright, Defense. Cross-examine already. Repeat yourself, Steezy.
Steezy: Okay. Hmmm... ugh... can only remember standing at the console.
Hold It!
(Turn to defense platform)
Squishy: That can't be the only thing you know! You were obviously doing something before that!
Chris: Hey! I'm the only one who's supposed to say that!
Steezy: Sorry, man. Don't recall.
Squishy: (Puts hand to head) This can't be right...
Cope: Face it: It's a lost cause.
Guy 1: Hey Steezy! You suck!
(Boot from audience hits Steezy in head. He then looks up brightly)
Steezy: Wait! Now I remember something!
Halifax: Hold your tongue! You must be hallucinating or making it up!
Judge: Halifax, I understand that you want to end this case quickly since you gave up your turn. But you must show respect to your opponents. Understand?
Halifax: (Grumbles) Yeah, I do.
Judge: Good. Now Steezy, format your testimony to include this new information.
Steezy: Okay. So, I was like, sitting in the boss's office at night. I was just running down the list of guests, because that's another job of mine. Then I get up to talk to someone and then complete blank.
Hold It!
Squishy: Do you recall what time it was before you talked to this person? And who was it?
Steezy: I managed to see the monitor's time was 12:20 a.m., but I don't know about the person.
Halifax: Exactly. That's the precise justification to all this necessary talk. We're back to the original testimony and nothing has changed.
Chris: But it doesn't make sense! He had to have done something up till 12:29, and what about that guy?
Halifax: That person could have been made up, coming from someone who couldn't remember pushing a button. Also, why are you budding in? What do you know about unimaginable genocide such as this?
Chris: Easy: I blew up 13 planets myself. (Crowd gasps) Uh, er... while under some one else's control, of course.
Halifax: (Stroking beard) Hm-hmm... still, you're in no position to be deciding what's whacked up in this matter.
Chris: Yeah, not like I'm on trial, because believe me, I'm a mean witness. You know what, screw it, I'll put myself on trial. (Leaps into witness stand) Excuse me, Steezy.
(Shoves Steezy aside)
Cope: What the freak are you doing!?
Chris: He thinks he's such a great lawyer, watch this! Uh-hum. Mr. Chris, explain what you saw at the scene. I don't know, I wasn't there. Don't kid yourself we know you're lying. I don't know what you're talking about!
Judge: Mr. Chris, I advise you to stop now!
(Cope gnaws on pens)
Chris: You know what we all came here for and that is the truth so speak of it! The truth, huh? Did I hear you right? You want the truth. Well you can't handle the truth!
Judge: Stop it now, Mr. Chris!
(Jedi whack heads against frying pans)
Chris: Cough it up now and stop lollygagging! Okay, sheesh, you don't have to be so loud. I said speak! No! I don't wanna! I want my mommy! WAAAAAAAAAAH!
Judge: ENOUGH! (All goes silent. A blind Justice woman leaps into oblivion below) I have had it with you and your silliness! I am penalizing you for all your worth and rescinding your "Chance in Hell" Card!
Chris: Ahhh, I was saving that for a rainy day.
Judge: Furthermore, I am hereby banning you from attempting law ever again! Now get the **** out of these chambers!
Chris: Okay. (Picks up case and leaves)
Halifax: Thank you, your honor. He was most annoying.
Judge: Agreed. Now let's get a verdict already.
Will: This is bad. We got no lawyer.
Sara: Hey, where's Squishy?
Judge: Based on the evidence provided, testimony, and how pissed off I am, I find Steezy the Ssi-Ruuk to be- (Raises gavel)
Wait!
(Show stunned faces of all in attendance. Then show Squishy in the witness booth)
Jo: Squishy? What are you doing there!?
Squishy: There's something I've been hiding all this time. (Close up on face) I was on the Jawa Home when the beam was fired! And I felt something!
Steezy: Hubba-wha!?
Halifax: WHAT!?
Jedi: Wiggity-wac!?
(Uproar from audience)
Judge: Silence, all of you! Mr. Squishy, this is most highly unexpected, and right at the closing of the trial. How original!
Anna: Yeah, right. (Rolls eyes)
Judge: But why have you not spoken? Is it even relevant?
Squishy: If you allow me to testify, I just may answer the first one.
Judge: Hmm... Mr. Halifaxy, what do you say?
Halifax: (Smirks) Heh heh heh heh. Fine. Go ahead. It'll all just be added time for your friend's doomed life.
Will: Hope you know what you're doing.
Squishy: Indeed I do.
Judge: Now, Mr. Squishy, tell us what happened on the night of the incident.
Squishy: Gladly. Uh-hum. As you all know, it was believed I was on a business trip away from Jawa Home. But in truth, I made up that information so that I could stay on Jawa Home undisturbed.
Hold it!
Jo: Why did you do that? What were you doing that was so private?
Squishy: Well... I've been seeing someone for a while now, and I thought it would've been nice to spend some time on my vessel.
Will: Seeing someone? Whaat!?
Anna: Squishy with a girlfriend? Holy crap!
Squishy: (Blushing) I'm serious, Anna.
Sara: Then who is it?
Halifax: Yes. Do tell as who this lucky lady is. Or lucky sir; I'm not one to judge.
Squishy: Do I have to? Is it necessary?
Judge: I'm afraid so, for clarity reasons. Plus I'm also dying to know.
Squishy: Okay. You see, the person I've been going out with... (Show eager looks of everyone) is Steezy's sister, Sylvia. (Show shocked and stunned faces of everyone) Sorry, man. I didn't want you to find out this way.
(Complete silence. Then)
Guy 1: That's disgusting!
Guy 2: I'm feeling ill...
Guy 3: Cover your ears, honey!
Guy 4: It's too late!
Halifax: (Shoots up arm) Permission to vomit, your honor!
Judge: Yes... This information has left me feeling a bit uneasy. (Belch) Very well, ugh. We shall have a... a 30 minute recess to (twitch twitch) fully assess this revelation and to do our... oh god I'm not going to make it!
(Everyone rushes out of chamber. Turn to lobby where DAY 1 Main Lobby 1:42 P.M. types up. Show outside of bathrooms where various vomiting noises can be heard. Later show Jedi walking up to a waiting Squishy while appearing sick)
Anna: You're dating a lizard? Are you crazy!?
Squishy: Well, I love her. Very much at that. And so does she to me.
Jo: Listen Squishy, I'm all for some sweet lovin', but there's some things you just don't do. Specifically freakin' velociraptors!
Squishy: I just can't believe you people are so prejudiced against this subject. Love surpasses all boundaries, including species.
Cope: Stop talking. I'm always thinking of more sickening scenes with every word you say.
?: I'll kill that midget! I'll kill him!
(Show Steezy pulling against some bailiffs with a murderous look in his eyes)
Steezy: You backstabber! You sneak! This entire time!
Squishy: Calm down, Steezy. I've been doing nothing harmful, and I was going to tell you when you were in a better mood.
Steezy: But my sister, man! And without my say! Just get over here and I'll tear you to shreds you b***ard!
Bailiff: Calm down, sir! Stop resisting!
Steezy: Let go of me you punks! Let, me, go! (Gets dragged away forcefully)
Squishy: Yeah... Sylvia is his only sibling, plus his only family here in the core regions. She told me he was always overprotective of her.
Sara: I never knew he even had a sister. How come she wasn't here to support him?
Squishy: She thought it'd put him on edge if she were out in public, especially since no one heard of her before. So she decided to watch the trial at an apartment somewhere. (Sighs) She's not gonna be too happy about me blurting out our secret on planetary television.
Will: (Pats Squishy's head) You did it for her brother's benefit. I don't think she'll be that upset.
(Show Halifax stumbling over to them)
Halifax: (Raising finger) You sir... sicken me and this entire establishment! No matter the purpose of your testimony, I will see it that all credibility and decency is forever removed from your being! Now, I'm just going to sit down before I vomit again. (Stumbles away)
Will: Yeah, about that, what were you trying to say before... all that happened?
Squishy: You'll have to wait. I'm in no mood to repeat myself.
(Many minutes later, everyone is back in the court)
Judge: (Wiping corner of mouth with napkin) Now, with that business taken care of, we can continue. Squishy, are you ready?
Squishy: Ready and willing, your honor.
Judge: Good. Now continue from where you left off.
Squishy: Right. Anyways, while spending time on Jawa Home with my "friend", (Steezy growls viciously) I felt this strong surge of the Dark Side. It was around 12:20, because I saw the clock in our room and it left me uneasy. Then after that it lowered a bit and ended at about 12:30. I then went to the nearest private terminal to see if something happened on board, and that's where I learned of the weapon having been fired. Knowing authorities were to arrive soon, we quickly got off station without notice. Eventually authorities did arrive and we were going to attempt a secret boarding, but then the station leapt into hyperspace. It was then I gave chase, dropping Sylvia off on the nearest friendly planet and following the station's tracking device. All the while I watched the holo-vids and learned of Wayland being destroyed by Jawa Home. Eventually I caught up to Jawa Home and went on board to find out what was going on. And that's my story.
Halifax: Yes... very drawn out, filled with disgust and questionable intuition. How effective of a different testimony that is.
Squishy: But this isn't just intuition. I felt a user of the Dark Side on board that station, and I felt it in the general direction of my office and the control room.
Halifax: Yes, yes, but so what I ask you? Even if there was someone else involved in this, I don't believe feelings count as proper evidence. And with this surveillance footage, checked for authenticity, there is only one person in question, and that's the defendant.
Will: He's right. That tape's rock solid. What do we do?
Jo: Hmmm... (Thinking) If we have the tape, then I guess we just have to work with it. (Out loud) Permission to have that tape again, your honor.
Judge: Of course, though I don't see why. You can have control over its playing as well.
(Tape plays over again)
Halifax: See! Nothing's different. It's the same perpetrator.
Sara: This can't be right. If Squishy felt someone else, where are they?
Jo: There must be a contradiction somewhere.
Squishy: (Thinks) Think Squishy think! Steezy's fate is riding on this. There has to be a fault somewhere. (Looks at replay. Something catches his eye and then says) Stop the tape!
(Tape stops showing Steezy at console)
Judge: What is it, Mr. Squishy?
Squishy: Can you zoom in on the lower left corner? (Zooms in) Now can you redefine it?
Judge: Okay, but I don't see what you're getting at.
(Image is redefined, then everyone gasps and appears stunned)
Squishy: Ah ha! Right there. And I only just caught that. (Show image of an outstretched hand) A hand is pointing toward Steezy from someone off camera. So this suggests that (Slams hands down and has close-up) Steezy was being manipulated by a member of the Sith!
(There is an uproar)
Judge: (Bangs gavel) Order! Order!
Squishy: It makes sense! Steezy has no motive to destroy a planet, nor does he remember actually pushing the button.
Halifax: What!? Pre, preposterous! There has to be some mistake!
Judge: I'm afraid not. You said it yourself that it has been checked, so what you see is what you see.
Squishy: So ladies and gentlemen of this court, this footage shows that there may be an unknown party involved with this crime, and that party could be the real criminal.
Judge: Yes, quite. After all of this revealing evidence, I can't make a verdict just yet.
Halifax: But Judge! You can't!
Judge: I'm sorry, but I can't end this case with such a big question unanswered. This court is hereby adjourned and shall reconvene at 1 p.m. tomorrow so that the defense may look further into this matter. Dismissed! (Bangs gavel)
(Some time later we're back in lobby and DAY 1 Main Lobby 2:12 PM types up. We see the Jedi and Steezy in conversation)
Cope: Well that was pretty close.
Will: But now we have something to help out in finding the real culprit.
Anna: And that means Steezy is safe for another day. Right, Steezy?
Steezy: Yeah, whatever...
Sara: Steezy! You should be happy. And you should also thank Squishy for finding evidence in your favor. Now show the gratitude already.
Steezy: (Grumbles) Squishy... thanks for the help. Maybe when I get free from this I might be willing to forgive you for going out with my sister.
Squishy: Hey, no problem. We're family, man. (Steezy winces) Uh... not yet anyway.
(Halifax walks over to them)
Halifax: Bravo, Jedi. I must say you did a bang up job making me look the fool. However, I refuse to let this criminal walk free. Come tomorrow, he shall be found guilty and you shall be revealed for what you really are, Squishy: a perverted midget in a cloak that overuses intuition. (Storms away)
Squishy: I'm getting tired of all these midget insults.
Jo: Anyway, what are going to do for tomorrow? Any other revelations, Squishy?
Squishy: None. I'm spent on testimony.
All: What!?
Squishy: But I do have an idea. First we have to wait until night, when it's all nice and dark.
Will: Oh boy...
(Forward to night on board Jawa Home in Coruscant orbit. DAY 2 Jawa Home 12:09 AM types up. After some quick sneaking past some patrolmen, the Jedi reach the main office)
Anna: That was easy. Now what?
Squishy: Now we look for clues. (Goes to desk) Let's see, he was sitting down here and got up to see someone at 12:20. What proof is there of this other person?
(They look around for clues)
Sara: What about that camera in the upper corner?
Squishy: Oh! I forgot about that! It might have some photos of those times. I'll it on the monitor.
(Looks on monitor for shots of the office taken every minute. After some time)
Squishy: That's odd... all there is is Steezy at the desk, but there's a gap between 12:19 through 12:22 and then it's all empty.
Jo: Maybe that one guy took those shots.
Cope: Meaning the camera is no help.
Squishy: Yes... but there's still one thing I want to check. (Scrolls through things) A hidden feature on this station is that with every arrival of a spacecraft, a picture of it and whoever steps out of it is taken and put on a list for insurance reasons.
Anna: Insurance reasons?
Squishy: Yeah, if someone gets too violent and causes some damage we'll have definite proof they were here. Plus, never know when a little blackmail can come in handy.
Will: Nice.
Squishy: Well, it's still there. Now let's see. (Looks a bit) Huh... at about 12:10 a ship arrived. Just a two man shuttle, nothing special. After that there's nothing until the authorities arrive.
Sara: Well what about the photo? Maybe that guy's our man.
Squishy: Alright. Downloading picture now.
(They wait in anticipation as it loads. Once done they all gasp in shock)
Squishy: Well gentlemen and ladies, we have our new suspect.
Anna: Can we leave now?
Squishy: Yes. And get plenty of sleep, because I have a feeling that tomorrow it'll be all or nothing.
(Forward to the court. DAY 2 1:00 PM types out)
Jo: I hope this works out.
Cope: Though I doubt it I can't help but know it will somehow be different.
Sara: Way to show optimism, Alex!
(Gavel bang)
Judge: The trial of the Galaxy Versus Steezy the Ssi-Ruuk is back in session. Since the prosecution rested its case yesterday, I trust the defense is ready.
Jo: Yes indeed, your honor.
Judge: Very well. Now what have you turned up on the subject of this mystery party?
Squishy: We've only found one surprise witness. The defense would like to call... (Slams down hand and close-up) Robert Halifax!
Halifax: What!? I wasn't notified of this!
Anna: Well, duhh! Then it wouldn't be a surprise witness. Poser...
Halifax: Is this some kind of joke? Or is it just a way to buy yourself some time? (Looks slyly) Ah... I see. You're desperate. Very well, I'll play along. But be warned that your little farce will be revealed the longer I'm up there. You might as well quit now.
Cope: Whatever! Just get your butt up there already!
(After Halifax takes position)
Jo: (Whispers) Remember, Squish: Just as we rehearsed.
Squishy: (Walks to Halifax) Now, there's no point in having you state your name and occupation. Just tell us what you were doing before and after Wayland was destroyed.
Halifax: Are you serious?
Squishy: Just talk already.
Halifax: All well. It's your funeral. Anyway, on the day before this unfortunate tragedy I was on Bakura. I was simply enjoying a little vacation and observing the local culture and historical sites. At around 12:30 a.m. I stood out on the terrace of my private estate when I noticed a flash in the sky in the direction of Endor. Not too long after that I learned of the station's firing. Feeling ambitious, I decided to head out to the station before the authorities could. I got there around 1:17 and searched the area and alerted the guests before the authorities arrived. Eventually, we found that fiend Steezy in the control room, and I can assure you that there was no other person in there and that we would have known if someone else was there and if they tried to escape. And that's my testimony. What do you say to that?
Squishy: Yes... impressive... very descriptive and well-detailed. I just have one word to say to you.
Halifax: What?
Objection!
Halifax: Oww! God! Right in my freakin' ear! Owwww!
Squishy: You lie, my good sir! And we have proof of this! (Gets handed photo) Tell me, do you know this person?
(Halifax looks at photo of himself in a doorway)
Halifax: Where'd you get this?
Squishy: That was taken at 12:11 a.m. on the night of the incident on Jawa Home when a certain someone arrived on the hush-hush.
Halifax: So? That could be anybody disguised as me.
Jo: Then you admit someone was unaccounted for in the investigation who looked like you?
Halifax: Well... That station is huge! That person could still be hidden somewhere!
Will: I don't know. He came on a ship that wasn't there after the investigation. (Hands over a photo)
Squishy: Explain this.
Halifax: (Sees photo of a shuttle) Hey, that's my ship! It was stolen 6 months ago and I have since to find it! This imposter must have stolen it.
Cope: Don't be so sure.
Halifax: Why!?
Squishy: Because we checked in with the Bakura tourist board and found something interesting. It turns out you were there and you did leave that night, but... (Slams hands and close up) you left at 11:40 p.m., on your own personal ship!
(Uproar)
Judge: (Bangs gavel) Order! Order! How do you explain yourself, Mr. Halifax?
Halifax: (Looking nervous) Well... uh... ah! I was mistaken! That ship in the photo wasn't mine! The ship I left the planet with happened to look like my old ship which I lost some time ago, but I switched to a new similar ship after that. I was just going on a quick space cruise and returned immediately after I saw the flash, and try telling me that nobody in this galaxy flies a ship similar to mine.
Squishy: I won't, and normally I'd agree with you. But if you look closely, you can see a bumper sticker that says "My other ship is my beard" on the front.
Halifax: ...What?
Squishy: And according to the Bakura toursit board, you left on a ship with that exact bumper sticker in that exact place and that you never came back after the flash. Care to explain?
Halifax: Um... ah... (Starts wigging out) GAAAH! NOOOOOOO! (Begins yanking beard)
Cope: Then you were the person who came on board the station before the firing!
Halifax: Ur! Goo ga ba dee AHHHHH! No! NO! NO! NOOOOOO! (Bangs head repeatedly)
Squishy: Repent then! Tell the truth and begone with your wicked lies! (Halifax is sobbing)
Halifax: Okay, fine. You caught me. I was on that ship and that station but let me explain. You see, I do surprise inspections on the station, because though it was meant for peace and "love" it also had a weapons factory and I never trusted it. So I decided that night to be another one of my inspections. So I left Bakura and got there around 12:10 like you said. I thought of paying the manager a visit so I went to the office. Yet when I got there, I saw Steezy leave and go the opposite way, so I decided to follow him. I kept a good distance yet was close enough to see if he was doing anything fishy. Eventually he got to the control room and I hid outside. When I peeked in I saw Steezy at the console about to push the "Fire" button. Once I saw that word I reached out yelling and tried to stop him, but to no avail. The weapon fired and Wayland was destroyed.. Steezy then saw me and ran deeper into the room. Rather than pursue, I ran away knowing I could have stopped this. That hand in the video was mine reaching out to stop him. The reason I didn't say anything was because of the massive guilt I received for not stopping Steezy. If only I'd known I'd have stopped him in the hallway, but not everyone is a Jedi, which are the very people trying to make me the villain. I'm a human, too, and I can feel anguish for a crime I could have stopped! (Starts crying)
Judge: Yes. I understand the pain and guilt people feel for such troubling knowledge and regrets. It'd be unkind to pressure you about something you never knew.
Sara: Oh, Steezy! How could you?
Steezy: What!?
Anna: Sara! Snap out of it! Steezy didn't do it... right? (Looks to Squishy)
Squishy: (In thought) Crap! His story fits perfectly with all evidence presented. (Sees Halifax) Hold on... he just smiled. He's a liar! But I need proof. He's got everyone by their tear sacs and I can't reveal him without strong evidence! Think you Jawa think! (Sees something in Halifax's pocket) Wait! Ah-ha! Jackpot! (Uses the Force to pull out contents of pocket to him)
Halifax: Hey! That's private property! Thief!
Squishy: (Looking over items then whispering) You're dead now, Halifax. (Out loud) Ladies and gentlemen, the prosecution has been hiding crucial evidence! In my office on Jawa Home is a camera that takes a photo of it every minute. Upon personal investigation, me and my comrades discovered photos between 12:19 and 12:22 were missing, and Mr. Halifax had them with him this whole time. And on these photos is undeniable proof of who the real perpetrator is! (Shows photos that show Halifax at office door firing lightning at Steezy) So it was Robert Halifax that warped Steezy and destroyed Wayland!
(Outroar)
Halifax: (Twitching, twitching mor ethen) NAAAAA! Bar GAAAAA ER A REEEHHHHH! Ga ga bit a do bang Zoot Chi Chi Chi! Errrrrrrrrrr RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! (His beard explodes and he collapses to floor. After a while)
Jo: Ready to tell the truth now?
Halifax: (Puts hand on booth) Y-y-yes... I do believe it's time for this charade to end... (Stands back up and is revealed as)
All: TALKER!?
Talker: Correct. I am former-Grand Mock Talker of the Fanboy Republic.
Cope: But how! You were killed!
Talker: Noooo. I was beaten within an inch of my life by that wacko assistant of mine. I was beat pretty bad and I lost consciousness. I woke up to find myself fully healed and on board an empty ship. When I looked out the front viewport, I saw the Emperor's flagship burning in Coruscant's atmosphere. It was then that I decided to lay low, later on becoming a prosecutor of the Republic and growing a beard to better hide myself. Yet I soon discovered that I had Force powers, probably from amidichlorian injection from my unknown savior. Over the years I practiced these powers until I was able to manipulate people's minds and create lightning. About a week ago, I had formed a plan that would bring me back to glory. I went to Jawa Home on the night of the incident and controlled Steezy into destroying Wayland. I also took the care to remove the photos from Squishy's camera without destroying it. Once Steezy was done I let him remember the console before him then I knocked him out. I then stuffed him in some tight space and waited for the authorities to arrive. My goal was to have Steezy convicted of mass slaughter, which would cause doubt on Squishy's operations. Soon he would be convicted of producing weapons of mass destruction, then the Jedi would fall to accusations and convictions, then I would reveal myself as the almighty b****rd who screwed over the Jedi, and by then it would already be too late to punish me. I would have finally returned to my old self.
Squishy: But why did you keep these photos instead of burning them?
Talker: Yeah. Self-confidence really screwed me there. But before you take me away, let me explain something that's been on my mind. Sometimes in my dreams, some guy in glasses would tell me what to do and what my next plan was. All this time I thought it was just me thinking that, but now I suspect it could be whoever healed me and injected me with midichlorians.
Oh you just had to say it, didn't you, punk!
(Bolt of lightning strikes Talker and disintegrates him. Then from above descends the Contractor wearing a white battle suit and sporting an awesome cape. He lands on an upper platform)
Cont: Why is it that you people are now mentioning my involvement? Whatever happened to "don't tell or go to Hell?"
Judge: Excuse me, but who are you exactly?
Cont: Are you daft? I'm God, you moron!
Judge: Sorry, but you seem like any ordinary person in a cape to me.
Cont: (Sighs) Fine, I'll prove it. (Pulls out glass of water) I shall now turn this glass of water... into Reggae!
(In a poof of smoke the glass is now red and yellow with dreadlocks and a Jamaican hat while spouting Rastafarian beats. The court is amazed)
Judge: Oh! Oh, great lord! Forgive me for my ignorance. For what reason have you graced us with your presence?
Cont: Finally, some recognition! Anyway, I came here to order you to have those Jedi and that lizard executed on the spot.
Judge: But your lordship, for what reason must we do this?
Cont: Should you even ask? Look at your eighteenth amendment. (Points to document hanging from wall) "If for whatever reason God himself should appear in any court of law, then all persons in attendance must obey his wishes without question."
Judge: Oh, oh ho ho ho. The whole judicial committee was so wasted the night we wrote and passed that.
Anna: Which would explain the Statute of Open Stupidity that was also passed.
Cont: Now enough chit-chat. Kill them!
(The people of the court get up and surround our heroes slowly)
Jo: Well, we can't kill them. They're just following orders from above.
Will: So I guess we just take our beatings.
?: Not so fast!
(They look in confusion then look up to see the skylight shatter and a Ssi-Ruuk loaded to the teeth with weapons spin gracefully downward)
All: Woooow...
Steezy: S-s-, Sylvia?
Squishy: Dang, girl! You sure know how to make an entrance!
(She lands on the judge's stand and fires stun bolts all over the place. Then she flips through the air again and drops weapons off for our heroes)
Jo: Alright, boys and girls! Let's get crackin'!
(They then start stunning everyone in sight as droves of people come rushing them)
Judge: Order! Order! May I please have order!
(This goes on for a while until the attackers are all in piles around the Jedi. Then)
Judge: It seems you're stunned them all. I suppose it's my turn now.
(He leaps into the air, somersaults three times and lands perfectly before them. He then pulls out his gavel which extends to make a nasty-looking javelin which he spins around)
Anna: Guess giving judges Mandalorian training wasn't such a hot idea after all...
(The judge then rushes them and they engage in a lightsaber duel. They leap around the place exchanging blows and tricks. After landing the Judge is held onto by Steezy and Sylvia, but he pulls them up into the air where he lets his legs do the talking. However he is soon brought down by a stun bolt)
Will: Boy, for an old guy he sure moves pretty quick.
(Squishy then notices the Contractor making his escape)
Squishy: Quick! After that jerk!
(The Jedi rush ahead and enter the hallway the Contractor went into. Soon they find him standing before a dead end)
Cont: Crap! Why don't they make exits for fleeing deities?
Squishy: Hold it right there, four-eyes!
(An exclamation mark pops over Contractor's head, then he turns around, jumps and yelps like a monkey)
Cope: Your days of making a mockery of the court system are over!
Cont.: Maybe so, but that doesn't mean the end of me. (Throws off cape and armor to reveal a leather undervest) Because you're all about to enter my Twisted Reality! (Pulls out an axe-shaped guitar and starts playing)
Jo: Oh god, don't tell me-
Squishy: You got it: A strum-off!
Sylvia: Squishy! Catch!
(Show Sylvia throw a guitar, which he grabs, raises to the air and lightning strikes)
Squishy: Thanks babe! Now let's get it on!
("Charge" appears on screen and then "Twisted Reality" from Gitaroo Man starts playing. Squishy plays some riffs while the Contractor is doing his own riffs. Halfway through Charge)
Cont.: I'm gonna chop you in half! It's over, G!
(As they continue, the fabric of time and space bend all over them. At the start of "Battle" they've all been sucked into a star-filled void. Then while Squishy and Contractor battle on, the battlefield hops from one planet to another with the Jedi facing the dangers of the planet in the background. The place keeps shifting locales and getting weird until "Final", when the Contractor runs off and comes tearing through on a huge speeder bike. Then the Jedi give chase and run into a wormhole. Inside Squishy gives off his riffs as they run all over the screen and reality begins flickering back on. Soon the Contractor crashes into the hallway wall and is held in the air by Squishy's riffs. After the final riff the Contractor falls and they return to the hallway, where everything's just the same except for the hole left by the speeder bike)
Squishy: Had enough already?
Cont: Ha... you're good, as expected. I'm getting rusty with that guitar, but don't think this is the last of me! Soon I shall return and have ven-day-ta on all your a**es! (Runs through hole)
(The Jedi and Ssi-Ruuk siblings return to the defense platform)
Jo: Well that was a heck of a day. Sylvia, a pleasure to finally meet you. You really saved our bacons back there. And those moves weren't bad, either.
Anna: Yeah, and what were you doing up on the roof with those guns?
Sylvia: Well, when I learned that the trial was going to go on to a second day, I decided to come by and get an overhead view of everything. As for the guns... well... From what Squishy told me, weird things usually result in a lot of mayhem for you Jedi. So I thought I'd bring some backup, just in case. It's crazy how prolific stun guns are on this planet.
Sara: Okay... but moving on, just surviving wasn't the only good thing about today. Steezy is now scot-free of blowing up Wayland!
Will:Yeah. Squishy really did good in the end by showing great hope in you, right Steezy?
Steezy: Yeah, sure, I guess.
Sylvia: Steezy! Are you really going to stay grumpy after all this? Your best friend just saved you from a death sentence, yet you're still PO'ed by my relationship with him.
Steezy: But Sylvia-
Sylvia: No buts! I came to this galaxy to see new culture, customs, and make new friends. And there was the possibility I was going to fall in love with one of these new people. Slim, but it was still there. I know you're just out to protect me since I'm your only sister, but you have to realize that I will have to make important decisions on my own. Just do me this one favor and acknowledge that I'm going to be with a man and be away from you with that man. Then remind yourself that that man happens to be your best friend, someone that you know to be totally trustworthy. Now, can you take it easy, for both our sakes?
Steezy: Errrrrr... alright. I'll chill, for the both of you. Squishy, sorry for being a butt about you and my sis, man.
Squishy: Don't worry about it. Relationships can have a shaky start, but as long as everyone is cool about it, it works out.
Jo: Don't know about you guys, this puts me in a mood for celebration. I say we go out and PARTAAY! WOOOOOOOH!
(Look around at unconscious bodies)
Sara: But what about these guys? They should come to the party, too.
Anna: But they're all unconscious lumps
(Squishy makes a sly grin)
Squishy: Heh, not for long.
Cope: Oh no...
(Show them piling the bodies into ships and carting them off to a sky restaurant. To the song "Tubthumping" they throw the bodies all over the place and dance with them as the credits roll. One by one the patrons awaken, get handed drinks and party. Soon everyone is having a good time despite bruises, bloody lips and a stupid entrance by Chris. Soon the screen goes black and the words "The End" are shown, then)
Usher: It's over! Now put your pants back on and get the **** out!
Scaly: But I'm not finished.
(Graphic noises. Squirt)
Usher: My eyes!
The End